Overbearing Mother-in-law

My friend Candice can't get along with her husband's mom either. So what she did was write a letter to her husband's mom and told her what was bothering her. His mom would keep shoving food in her son's mouth until he puked, wouldn't let him play and basically forced him to sit in her lap, kept coming over to their trailer unannounced and stuff like that so you're not the only one. My mother in law thankfully lives in another part of the state.

I don't think you will make any headway with the mom unless you and your husband can get on the same page first.

I don't blame you for being worried about the headlice issue. Have you looked very closely at your children? Sometimes it is in a household for awhile before it's noticed.

I'm sorry your going through this. I sure wish I had some advice. I don't have a mother-in-law because mine committed suicide a couple years before my husband and I met each other.

Suzi

Mine is the other way around. Its MY mom that drives me crazy. According to Nana my daughter can do no wrong. This is what I have to tell my hubby about my mom - Just ignore her!
Do things as a family, pick her up before you MIL or have someone else pick her up. When she calls raising a fit, tell her that the daughter has plans with her MOMMY & DADDY and there is only room for 3 on this night. Shes gonna think your a B**** but she will get over it and learn that the daughter needs time with you and your hubby, not just her. PLEASE do not use my exact wording. LOL. IF ya do, you can blame it on me. Its ok. LOL!

Hope this helps a little.

D. D

Although I can't fully relate (I don't have step-children), I can relate to an overbearing MIL. I have 2 children. My 14 year old is from a previous relationship and my 3 year old is with my husband. She critizises us on a regular basis. It is very frustrating because she phrases things in a way that if you try to defend yourself, you are the one who is in the wrong. When I try to speak to my husband about it, he gets mad and says "I warned you about her before we got married! You need to just get over it!"

So, I can't really help you with advice as I am in somewhat of the same boat.... But I sure can feel your pain!

(GRRRR, I responded and hit the wrong button...)

I'll paraphrase...

It's your husband's mother, it's your husband that has to put his foot down. You said he's so concerned w/ his mother's and daughter's feelings... what about yours? You need to talk to HIM. I'm sure that anything he says to the MIL she will interpret as YOU speaking for him, but that's the only way. As Dr. Phil says, an extended family is VERY important to a child, but not at the expense of your immediate family!

On a side note...
We have a problem w/ my MIL swearing around my kids. I finally told him (after he asked why I hadn't said anything) that it was HIS mother, not mine and it was HIS place. Since then, he's been calling her out on it every time.

I understand why this is hurting your marriage, but does he? Have you really sat down and talked to him about how it's affecting you? He wants everyone to be happy all the time and that's just not reasonable... besides, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Talk to him about it... when you're alone and there's no football on ;) Let him know how serious this really is! You do not want your daughter to lose your MIL, but she HAS to have some boundaries!!! (sorry, but he has to grow some balls =)

Good luck!
~K.

I agree with the others, your hubby has to develope some backbone where his mom is concerned...you both need to discuss it and support each other as a united front...he has to tell his mother that she must work around your family's schedule when and if you both allow her to have time with your daughter. Keep your rules the same and enforce them even when MIL is present. You are the parents! Have him suggest she not go overboard with presents except on special occasions. As for the part about the lice and not feeling wanted, those were gramma's words, not your daughters and had she (gramma)wanted to help the situation, she would have reassured her that that was not the case (not wanting her around when she's sick or contageous)! Gramma is wanting control and it's time for hubby to cut the apron strings and put her in her propper place as gramma. I am a gramma, but I loved being a mom and I would never try to take that experience away from my DIL. Good luck!

Hello, I too have had a situation similar to this. When i met my husband his mother had been taking care of his son and letting him do whatever he wanted to do. My advice to you is to talk to your husband and set some ground rules and then both of you go to MIL and let her know what the rules are. If the daughter is to be home by a certain time, let her know that. Let her know you do appreciate her, but set up some boundaries. Ultimately it is your husbands job to make sure everyone is comfortable. That is HIS mother and you are HIS wife. Talk to him about how you feel and what you want for your lives.

I can't say that I have been in your shoes exactly, but I can relate. In our situation it's MY mother. Anyway, I finally found a good family therapist who was referred by my pediatrician. I went on the premise of bringing more structure and less chaos to our family unit (my son was acting out). For me, it was the only way to get my husband there and involved. Otherwise, he would just ignore the issues and hope they would just go away. Your MIL is overstepping her boundaries. This is something I learned a lot about from a co-dependency class I took. I learned a lot about setting and enforcing boundaries with my family. The most important thing for you right now is developing a united front with your husband. The two of you have to decide what the rules are and agree to enforce them TOGETHER. This won't happen overnight. On our psychologists advise, I had to tell my mother we were taking a "family time-out" to work out some things with our children and that extended family involvement would only confuse them or "muddy up" our work. Of course, she was livid. Mostly, about the fact that I took her CONTROL away. It got worse before it got better, so be prepared. Don't go into it half-cocked. Take your time and prepare well. Get professional help first. You have to figure out what your real issues are (pick your battles) and what you want to change. Remember, you cannot change your MIL-she's too old to change. But you do have the right to raise YOUR children YOUR way. She had her chance to be a mother now she needs to let you have yours. Your MIL sounds very co-dependent. I recommend reading a book called Co-dependency No More or a newer title by the same author. The best ammo you can have is knowledge. Be prepared to take a hard look at yourself when you are reading this. I found that I had some co-dependent issues of my own. I mean, sometimes I was creating unnecessary boundaries with my mother in order to take back FULL control. It's not always necessary. Just try to remain calm (no matter what) and be the voice of reason. If you are still reading this, then you are probably serious about making some changes and not just venting. Another thing that has really helped my family has been church. Not just going on Sundays, but taking Bible Sudy Fellowship (BSF) classes. Neither my husband or I were raised with Christian beliefs, but when I found that I had no where else to turn, I turned to God. It has only been 18 months since I started this with my children and the changes that have taken place in our lives are amazing. My husband has been resistant so I didn't push him. Last week he came to me and told me that he wanted to start going to church with us. Praise God! It has taken a lot of patience on my part but it appears that he is coming around. He wants to be a part of the change he sees in us. If you are still reading, you are probably wondering how reading the Bible will help you get along with your MIL. Trust me, it will put some things in perspective for you. Even my non-christian mother has had a hard time arguing with my "new family values". She may think I've gone crazy but she's no longer in my face with her unreasonable demands. My relationship with my husband and kids has grown stronger. Good luck and when all else fails...pray. Seriously, it works.

I really want to tell you something that is somewhat disturbing. So prepare yourself for this.

I am engadged to a man who has 3 children of his own. His oldest child is 16 yrs old now. when Cody was a small baby, my fiance's wife at the time, well her mother (his mother-in-law) brought it upon herself to tell him and his wife that "Cody was her baby, and you better not forget it." well what a nightmare that has come to. My fiance's in laws took it upon themselves to involve themselves in everything that was none of thier business. Whenever Cody did not get his way, he called "grandma and grandpa to the rescue". ( mind you they practically ignored the other 2 grandchildren).

One day (after my fiance and his ex-wife have been divorced for only 5 years), My fiance got a summons in the mail, that stated that his ex-in-laws are seeking guardianship of the oldest grandson, Cody. Cody at the time being 15 years old, was appearently living with his grandparents. None of which did his ex-wife tell my fiance.

To make a long story short. The ex-in-laws lied in court and stated that Cody had been living with them for 8 years. They have brainwashed Cody into thinking that his father wants nothing to do with him. My fiance went to court to fight for Cody, by then it was too late, Cody wanted to live with the people that bought him everything and let him get away with what ever he wanted.

Cody will not talk to his father at all, will not visit with him. My fiance's other 2 children see him regularly, and they have a very close bond.

I am worried about you, and the situation you and your husband are in. It can turn out to be a nightmare. If something is not done, it is possible your step-child will hate you. Especially if your MIL does not like you. I could imagine what she says to your child about you when you are not around.

(Someone If not you) needs to explain to your husband that some parents still think that thier kids are still kids and want to take over parenting of thier child. This situation that you are in is really not good at all.

If you would like to know more of the story so that maybe you could show this to your husband, let me know. Because my fiance's in laws ruined a father son relationship, and he now has not been able to talk to his son for about 3 years now.

I am praying for you dear. Good luck.

On the MIL side, her history taught her that the grandmother was highly involved in raising the grandchildren.

However, this is your step-daughter and you need to do what's best for her, not just to keep the peace. I don't know enough to understand why the daughter is getting picked up from school by MIL. Does she watch her after school or something? If this IS NOT the case, the school has a list of people who are allowed to pick the child up. I'd just tell the school that she is NOT allowed to pick her up any more.

Due to the craziness of the work week/schedule, I'd even say no visiting except during weekends because school is the top priority.

As for the head lice, you can't have it both ways. You can't have the MIL not be there when you don't want her, but be willing to watch a child with a contagious condition. I would have just kept her in your own home and not bothered with the MIL in the first place.

The most dificult thing is getting the husband to act on all of this, since it's his child he needs to be the one to draw the line. I'm a step-mom too and all the issues we had when we first married had to be handled by him to his mom and ex. Just plan a sit-down discussion with him and explain that this unstructured routine isn't the best for his daughter and children spending time with PARENTS is more important than GRANDparents. He needs to stand up to his mom.

Good luck!