Overbearing Grandparents

I would've been and have been way meaner. Recently I even told my mother that if I could afford for her to not have to see either of my kids EVER, I would. I'd say that's much harsher than what you've said. I've even said nastier... But then again, so has my mother. We have a mutual understanding that we don't get along all that well, but still love each other in the end. We understand that we may not like each other all the time and maybe sometimes downright loathe each other, but we never cut off all communication. However, we have taken long breaks from one another.

Honestly, I think you're doing the right thing by setting boundaries. Your parents are acting very childish, and you have the right to live your own life. I am sure this hurts them because they feel less relevant since you moved away and your children are growing up, but that's not really your problem to solve! If this were me, I'd let them "cut off all communication" until you all cool down, and then perhaps you can speak to them again. In the end, cutting off communication with you means cutting off communication with your kids, and it doesn't sound like they really want to do that -- it would be punishing themselves in order to spite you. Stay strong. You've got the right instincts.

Oh geez... sounds like they're the ones acting like children...
I understand not responding and sometimes the adults are the ones that need the repremanding, not the kids. Unfortunately you cannot force children to do things, if they dont wanna talk, thats that, and to say no I dont want to talk to my granddaughter just my grandson... Id have been the ones cutting them off if it was me cause that plays mind games with a young child and I would not take that! you're stronger then I am on that point...

I understand them wanting to move closer as grandparents, but because of their overbearing ways, I also understand you wanting some distance!

Its very immature how they're acting and honestly, I just wouldnt respond for a while here on out just to give them a taste of what no contact is so taht they can realize (hopefully) the error of their ways and realize that they are grandparents, not parents. They care which is great, but they need to give a little and start living their own lives. Its the best part of the golden yrs!

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I don't think you did anything wrong. The sting is just still there from you guys moving away. We recently did something similar, except my son is younger so the phone calls etc haven't started. My MIL's initial reaction when we announced our move was that we somehow weren't going to "let" her be Grandma anymore so DS wouldn't know his real grandma (she doesn't view DH's stepmom as any type of real family member despite 20 years of her being around). The only thing I can say is that we told her we refused to play that game and that everyone had a right to be involved. Your kids are at an age where talking on the phone isn't really fun. Could there be a night a week where they can call and talk once things have cooled down? I really really don't agree with Grandpa refusing to talk to your daughter because that's not who he called for. He really needed to stop and think about that one, that can hurt a young kid who doesn't really understand the politics in the situation. I wish I had some more advice for you on how to handle it. All I can really say is you aren't alone. I hope they come around eventually.

I hear ya, this is your live, not theirs. No, you did not handle this wrong. You are in the right, they need to respect your family’s privacy, parenting, and not get involved. THEY NEED A HOBBY! If you don’t put a stop to it now, they will continue to be overbearing.

I have been dealing with similar situations with my mother and her boyfriend for years!! They call all the time, complain when we do not answer (hello- we are at work and school.) They stop/drive by all the time (even when we are at home-being nosy, going through my items,. etc.) They expect you to drop everything to come over to help them with stuff they can do themselves (laundry, cutting grass etc.-even if we are at work or school they expect us to come over right after to help-even in the dark) Since my kids are older (21, 18) and moving on and away from home they have to know what is going on every second and they are now "lurking" around my oldest son’s house to find out what is going on!!! It is getting to be ridiculous!! They complain about everything we do or say. God forbid if you do something that they do not agree too, they will not talk to you for weeks (this is a good thing!) Even my neighbors avoid them as they are so nosy, they need to know everything in their lives too.

I'm so proud of you and how you handled this. You are a strong and confident woman. Unfortunately, you may find yourself in the same place many of us are in as parents with parents and little ones.

Your parents clearly miss you and their grandchildren which is perfectly natural. It is your job as daughter and mother to try to find the balance and sometimes that means having to put your foot down where you must but it may also mean being a little more loving and understanding with them.

The most important thing about being in balance is to do what is best for your children. It is important for them to know they are loved and treasured by their family and to know who their family is. I would be cautious with the extra affection your father has to one of the kids over the others because this can ignite sibling rivalry.

I wouldn't worry about it too much because you have children to raise. Do the best you can like you seem to be doing but don't fall for the trap of the emotional manipulations. Your an adult and if it makes you feel uncomfortable it may make your children uncomfortable too.

Since they sound like a tantrum-throwing kid, I would do the same thing I would with the kid -- IGNORE THEM.

Don't even try to make contact. They are the ones who treated you like this and chose to delete you and e-mail you those things. They're trying to bait you -- trying to make you upset and angry. So for now just ignore them. Let them wonder what you're thinking and doing. Maybe they'll come crawling back. If they don't, then I'm sure you have nicer people in your lives to hang out with.

Get the book "Boundaries", it helped me tremendously!

There's been so much emotion on both sides, sounds like everybody's reacting from the gut. It's pretty hard to sort things out from there.

You might want to look into a wonderful process called Non-Violent Communication. You can learn four basic steps that will help you put the situation in perspective in a way that honors the genuine needs and feelings of all parties, while observing clearly the facts of what's been happening. You can respectfully help the other party clarify their needs, and ask for them to respect yours.

It's a "simple" process because the guidelines are clear, but takes some practice and will probably feel a little stiff and artificial at first. But it works beautifully, and is considerably less "work" in the long run than dealing with family dysfunction. My husband and I have both learned the process, and use it in all sorts of situations with all sorts of people. This is an exciting tool – google for explanations and examples, books and videos, and classes near you.

Mommy 3,

OMG is all I have to say. I don't know who is more immature - your mother for calling you names and deleting you from her FB and telling you not to contact her anymore, or your father for refusing to talk to his granddaughter!!!!! And they both left you rude messages on your answering machine??? No way will you allow them to move to your town, or anywhere near it!!! They behave like this and then expect you to welcome their move to your town? LOL! This is outrageous. I am guessing that your parents are very young - maybe they had you when they were teenagers? This is what this sounds like to me. Anyway, tell them that you do not want them moving close to you, and if they do, they will only be allowed to come over once a week (or whatever you decide), or (and better yet), you and your family will MOVE!!! I strongly suggest you telling them that you are very much against them moving to be by your kids, and if they do, there will be repurcussions. Besides, if they move close to you, it can very much hurt your daughter, since your father wanted to have nothing to do with her over the phone, so why would he give her any attention in person? Your parents need to grow up!

um...yeah that's pushing it, just quit answering their calls turn off your answering machine so the phone just rings and rings and rings and.....if it's cell, then just hit ignore and what not if you can with your e-mail, just delete it if it seems rude, eventually they'll get the hint that you're not playing the game no more
gparents THINK they have as much right as parents when in fact if parents CHOOSE to give them rights they do if not, they dont' end of story...(i'll have that issue to deal with when my hubby and i have our first.....then again maybe not)

Wow, I'm sorry. I would write them a letter explaining you know they miss living close to your family, and that you do really want them to still be an important part of your lives, but they cannot expect any young children to want to come talk on the phone (children are often phone shy, and cannot be forced), especially if Grandma and Grandpa call them so frequently. Also, tell them it is hurtful to your children who DO want to talk to them to be told, "sorry, Grandpa only wanted to talk to your brother" And, you are a normal family with school, work, and activities, it is not reasonable to expect you to wait by your phone 24 hours a day for them to call. They are wrong if they assume a phone call not answered immediately is being deliberately ignored when you are actually all out of your house doing something. Ask them if you call all talk as adults with mutual respect to figure out some common ground with communication frequency.

For sure your parents have acted immaturely and rude to you. You have every reason to feel upset by their recent behavior.

But, do you really want to cut off all contact with your parents? Maybe after the dust has settled and you are calmer, you could email them and suggest a set time each week - or every other week - or once a month - whatever you are comfortable with - that the children can call the grandparents and talk to them. Make it understood that the Gparents talk to BOTH children, and that you will initiate the call. Any other calls from them will not be guaranteed talking to the kids or you b'c you don't have to answer the phone.

You can email them photos and updates - take the high road on this one. Eventually they are going to contact you and want to talk to the kids. You actually have the upper hand in this dynamic right and this is the perfect time to firmly establish the boundaries that you want.

Good Luck - just because we love our families it doesn't guarantee smooth sailing with them.

On your side you could build it up "On Sunday at 3 pm we call Mamaw and Papaw!!!" so the kids will be excited to talk to them and not