Over the Cranky PTA Lady

Maybe sneak in through the back door. If you guys have time off or something, go out for coffee and NOT talk about the issue. Talk about everything else. Maybe she'll unload about stuff that is stressing her out and if that can be dealt with (or at least she can vent about it), it may shift the dynamic of the relationship.

Good luck!

You're both adults, so I don't see what the problem is. It's really rather simple, if she gives you attitude about something, say, "What's up with you? I don't appreciate the attitude. I'm just trying to help."

See how she responds. Maybe you're doing something that makes her mad. Only one way to find out, sugar.

I'm with JB and I have to wonder how much is possibly being VP this year vs Pres and what goes on with stepping back and letting someone else take the lead. I suspect it is not personal, but you are there all the time and you are a convenient target. I would start with a comment about how she seems stressed. They did a test on Brain Games and when someone was wronged, a little empathy from a third party could help the wronged party feel better. If it does not change, I would work on different committees, for a start.

In any volunteer organization, it always seems to be the same people all the time. Maybe she is burned out.

I would let it go. Some people are difficult people. Some people are in difficult situations. Some people I find difficult to get along with. I'd just take her and her nervousness with a grain of salt, and get what needs doing for the school and the students done.

Anything you say, either now, or later, or through the President will likely add to the poor woman's nervousness.

Best,
F. B.

I just laughed out loud while reading this.

I volunteer similar to you (I help a lot). I noticed the PTA chairs get an attitude with some questions/complains that are asked during the meeting. I just think yeah, if i was not getting paid and worked hard and missed a detail I might get defensive if all these watchers pointed out my flaws and how it could have been done better.

She may not be the best person for the job. Some are good at working and getting things done and some are great at delegating. To be great at delegating you need to ask for help in a kind respectful want and get people to actually do the work without micromanaging. The delegator is great at explaining directions and knows how to listen to complaints (as crazy as they are) in an understanding way without belittle the asker.

Odds are, you are not the only person who thinks she is a nervous wreck.

You could start with "is everything okay" in a caring voice. Her "yeah, why" "Oh I just noticed you seemed really stressed in the meeting and I wanted to make sure you did not have too much on your plate." Taking some duties away from her and giving it to a better helper could work.

Oh my, I could write a book on this one...

I have been very involved in the PTA for the last three years...I am PTA President this year....not because I campaigned for the job and won, but because I was the most logical choice given the few people left on the Board. The only longer serving Board member we had was our Treasurer and no way in hell was I doing that job...

As you well know, PTA can be difficult. It is only October but some days I wonder what the hell I was thinking with this one. Yes her behavior is bad and she needs to control her attitude. However, what is going on at the school that is making her stressed? Last month, we had our Principal change one of our PTA events without even giving me the courtesy of being part of that conversation...she told one of my Board members. My head just about exploded at the situation because it was completely unnecessary and caused a lot of headaches for me. I am pretty certain that I wasn't at my best that day.

I have volunteers that promise to do things and then don't or claim to have forgotten. I have people that show up to events right before the end and then complain about the way things were done. I try very hard to communicate with people and be clear about what help we need and when we need it. I struggle to even get responses most of the time. I have people that have very grandiose ideas about projects that they want others to do. It can be extremely frustrating.

I have a full time paid job. I spend a lot of my free time at the school and doing PTA stuff. I don't get paid for anything. And I hear lots of complaining from people...the same people that don't want to lift a finger to help out with anything.

Ask this woman what is going on. Perhaps she is frustrated at getting stuck with a lot of stuff because other volunteers won't show up. I find that the same couple people show up for everything. If you approach it with some concern for her well-being, she will likely be so embarrassed by her behavior that she will straighten up...

I wouldn't say anything, mostly because I doubt if you bring up her attitude problem that anything positive will come from it, no matter how you word it.

Likely she won't change, and then they'll be even more friction. I don't necessarily avoid confrontation, but I try to reserve it for relationships and situations that can actually benefit from a confrontation.

This is probably TMI:

When I find myself working with this person and she attempts to leave her anxieties with me through her poor attitude, I would repeat my mantra when working with difficult people: "within me there is a peacefulness that cannot be disturbed." Then I think about it like being at the bottom of the ocean when there is a storm on the surface. At the bottom of the ocean, all is peaceful and calm, even though boats are crashing and waves are thrashing at the surface. For whatever reason that helped me when I worked with a few people who functioned with high levels of debilitating anxiety.

I don't know if that's helpful to you at all or if you have some other coping strategy for situations like this that you can employ, but I vote for that rather than confronting the woman.

Oh boy--the SCHOOL ( you know the place we send our kids for an EDUCATION?) made some procedural changes and angered the PTO vice grand poobah?
Tough tomatoes!
IME, at times the PTO forgets that they're they're to ADD to and ENRICH our kids school experience--not run the place and call the shots.
She's simply in a snit because she didn't MAKE HERSELF aware of the changes and looked like a fool.
She'll get over it. They always do! 😜

She's cranky. Try changing your attitude about being irritated with her to feeling sorry for her. She gets so anxious over PTA matters, she acts like a child herself. Limit your interaction with her. Keep volunteering in areas she isn't involved in. Resist the urge to vent about her to other parents or PTA members because that's just going to stir up a whole mess of drama. The focus shifts from the kids to the adults then. It isn't worth it. Lesson learned, whatever event you had the unpleasant interaction with her at today, I'd just not put myself in the position to help her out with that event again. Maybe eventually she'll figure out that in order to get good volunteers, she needs to mind her attitude. If she asks for help again, "I'm sorry, that wasn't a very pleasant experience for me last time, so no thank you" You can't control her behavior, just set your own boundaries.

If everything was fine last year and this year she's different, I would assume that some kind of stress in her non-PTA life is creeping into her PTA role. It happens, we're all human. I've been a PTA volunteer and officer on and off over the years and sure, sometimes things get tense but usually it's non-PTA stress carrying over (there was a horrifying, literal screaming match between two volunteers while setting up a large fundraiser last year, both had major issues going on in their personal lives). I'm a treasurer and my co-treasurer resigned due to health issues, my new co-treasurer was elected last week and we haven't been able to get to the bank to get her or the new president as a signor on the accounts so it's all me writing checks and I'm totally too overwhelmed with being short-staffed at work to care whether or not I get things like reimbursement checks for school supplies processed in a couple of days or a couple of weeks. The billion dollar account demanding reporting at my day job takes priority over a teacher asking for her $38 in rick rack to be repaid, but I have to try to be polite and ask people to be patient, blah blah blah because it's not their fault that I can't get to my stuff in a timely manner right now either.

So...usually when I see someone snappish in a volunteer position, there's something else going on and an empathetic "hey is everything OK you seem very stressed this year" would probably be more productive than a direct confrontation. Because at the end of the day, we all do this because we are invested in our kids' schools and want to support the students and teachers but sometimes the job of a volunteer, as you well know, is a thankless one and it shows ;-) Not everyone is as good as putting on a happy face as others.

If she bristles at that and/or it continues, then I would consider having a frank conversation or talking to the PTA president. In a volunteer organization, your time and energy are way to precious to be spent dealing with someone who is being unprofessional.

I am of a different opinion than some here. Personally, I would call her on it. I would say "Bertha, I do not appreciate the way you spoke to me at the event yesterday. While I understand you have a lot on your plate, I do as well. I am a volunteer here and enjoy it. Please do not ruin it for me with your condescending manner in which you talk to me. If you have any issues with me, I will be happy to discuss but I would appreciate a little professional decorum". Or something to that effect. I would not quit something I enjoyed because I didn't want to confront someone about their treatment of me.

There is no reason to be miserable. Life is just too darn short.

Maybe you should be empathetic. Maybe you should express sincere concern for her.

Instead of avoiding her completely (hasn't worked because she is having outbursts and you are reacting to them) you might want to face this head on WITHOUT resorting to a physical response (I know you are kidding, so am I) or anything else as unpleasant.

BE SUPPORTIVE. Be kind. Offer her a cup of water when she is acting like that. Check in with her ahead of time and see what she needs. Are there people she is close to? Ask them if there is anything she needs. Pull her aside and do a check-in with her and see if that helps.

Maybe there is some drama in her personal life. Maybe she really needs some patience right now. Maybe it has nothing to do with you or her "hating" you.

Maybe take her out for coffee.
"Hi, can we talk for a minute.... I've noticed you've been snapping at me and it's really upsetting me. Is everything OK with you? What's going on? Did I do something wrong? What are your plans for the year? What would you like to see get done? blah blah blah"

And let it sit out there in the open so she can stare at it. Let her own up to it. She will either check herself ("Ohmigosh, I had no idea I was acting like a witch, to you, I'm so sorry...") or tone it down.

You don't need to quit your position if you love it so much. I would ignore it if it didn't stop and do my best (if I cared that much about the position).

"Several of the parents on the PTA have noticed that you seem really stressed this year. Is there something going on that we could help with to reduce your stress? You seem upset and annoyed with us, which is creating a tense environment. I know we all want to enjoy these events and help the school together. It should be fun to be a part of the PTA. Is there some way I could be of help?"

I wouldn't make it too personal. Don't make it between you and her. Try to be a help instead of fostering more animosity. I know you're feeling offended by her demeanor, but approach it with grace and expect grace in return.

If she responds in a truly rude fashion to your gracious offer of help, I suggest that you make an appointment to talk with the principal about voting to relieve this woman of her PTA duties. She clearly has no love for the other members and wishes to act unilaterally. Not okay.

M., for a lady who describes herself as 'laid back', you sure do contemplate 'calling people out' a lot!
there's a lot of middle ground between ignoring her and punching her in the face. so, instead of calling her, how about if you address it all 'laid back and taking things in stride' when it happens?
'marietta, i'm working as hard as you are and i don't think that tone is appropriate. i'm going to go work on (xyz) on the other side of the room and give us both a chance to take a breath and get some perspective.'
there's really not a lot of need to start a middle school dramafest by calling her out, or involving the president in the spat.
khairete
S.

I'm going to follow SouthernYankee's lead and "name" this woman Bertha too, though my approach takes a somewhat different tack.

I think the best things -- in this order -- that you can say to someone in this kind of situation are as follows:

"Bertha, I want to tell you how much I admire how much you've taken on. All these things [name specifics] are amazing. I really hope the teachers and the principal and the other families appreciate it too. AND, I'm wondering if there's anything I can do or say to help us work well together. I really like what you're doing with [random specific thing], and I really want us to work well as a team."

That way, you're making her feel comfortable without bending over backwards, you're not blaming her, but you are (very politely) giving her responsibility for cleaning up her own damn mess, or at least for communicating in a polite but straightforward way.

If she responds poorly to that kind of overture, THEN you may want to consider leaving, but you can do so saying you really tried to patch things up.

Mama-san, you could call her up and say to her "I have finally decided that I can't continue with the PTA if we can't have an honest conversation, so here it is. Last year we seemed to get along fine. This year you have changed so much to me that I feel like you hate me. Have I done something to you that warrants this?" Then let her talk. If she says she doesn't know what you're talking about, tell her how cold she's been. Give her examples.

You can do so much other stuff at the school that's not part of the PTA. Life's too short to put up with this. Make sure if you decide that she is going to continue to treat you this way after the talk, that you go to the President and explain it all to her. You might all be adults, but you're also not being paid to be treated poorly and you just don't have to stay in the position. I promise you that when people ask you why you aren't doing it anymore and you tell them that this woman is mean to you and you decided you had had enough, that she will learn what happens when you treat people this way. NO ONE will want to work with her.

People like this need to have consequences to their actions - having trouble finding replacements is enough of a consequence.

I would arrange to meet her for coffee away from the school and compassionately ask her what is going on this year. I suggest that she is different because she is stressed over something in her personal life. It's possible that she is feeling that she has little control and is therefore over reacting when she's feeling responsible for something and it's not going as planned. She may need a friend and is unaware that she's pushing people away.

if talking with her doesn't help, I'd ask for help from the president. You could just say, "I'm having difficulty around so and so. Could you suggest what I can do to once more enjoy being involved with the PTA?"

Not Bertha! That is my deceased Grandmother's name. I will call her, Salty Cheryl.

Salty Cheryl should be ignored and you should sign up for whatever committee Salty Cheryl is not on.

This is why I avoid the PTA. If this were a job, you would not get to quit every time you didn't like someone and you made a commitment. While you are allowed to quit, my advice is to ignore her and gut it out. Her issues are about her, not you.

Hi, M. C.:

Yes, the woman is affecting you with her attitude and verbal remarks.

I would let the Principal know you would like to have her and the V-P meet with you to discuss an incident that happened on....
Take someone for your support so the meeting will be equal.

In the meeting:
1. Tell what happened.
2. Say what you thought when you realized what happened.
3. Say what impact this incident has had on you and others.
4. Say what has been the hardest thing for you.
5. Say what you think needs to happen to make things right.

Good luck.
D.