My daughter is 14. She's very outgoing, has alot of friends, does well in school. She's a normal teen with eye rolls and boy trouble. What I need advice on is sometimes in public when she's with a group of friends she can get overexcited...I guess is the word. She can get a little loud sometimes and very goofy to the point people have told her it's embarrassing to the group she's with.
She called me from a concert she went to with a church group. She was told by one of the adults that she was being embarrassing...after a few of the boys told her she needed to stop acting up. The thing is I know she can be this way. She was upset and I believe maybe she finally felt embarrassed about it.
I want to sit down and have a talk with her without making her feel bad about herself. So I was wondering if any of you have advice on how I can approach the subject. Thanks.
One of mine can get like this a bit. I will say (and have been forever) "too far" quietly so he gets it.
I explained it that not everyone is comfortable with carrying on - even if it's in fun. Some people don't like the attention that is drawn to the group. Address the issue (loud, silly, possibly inappropriate) don't make it about her - personally.
I wouldn't come down on her, just listen to her and be there for her because her peers are helping her correct this behavior.
It's just like when there's a young teen who doesn't practice good manners, doesn't keep clean, too loud, etc.... parents can't get the message through but Peers have a tendency to correct some negative behavior by calling someone out in it.
Her feelings are hurt because it was brought to her attention. I would bet that she'll be more aware of her behavior after this experience. She'll figure out how to correct her behavior if peers pull away from her and/or call her out on it.
My question is, what specifically is she doing? Her laugh is " too loud"? She makes dirty jokes? She jumps around and becomes physically "goofy"?
I think it's important to ask yourself whether she is being unfairly singled out because she is female. Is she doing things that would be no big deal if a guy did them, but are "unladylike"?
At her age, I would proceed very cautiously if you are about to head down the "telling her to be more ladylike" road, simply because that becomes a slippery slope into stuff like making her feel like she should not speak up in the classroom. But if she is doing specific things that would be bothersome from any gender (for example, physical goofiness like pulling people's hair), I think it is fair to point those specific things out to her and remind her to stop doing those things.
ETA: I mentioned "dirty jokes" above because I was trying to think of what would possibly make an adult pull her aside. There are teenage games like "seeing who can say the bad word loudest in public"...in some company that might actually make your daughter more popular (rightly or wrongly), but that would be an example of a behavior to tell your daughter to "think about the audience" first (maybe: okay at the mall, not okay on a church outing).
Suggest to her that she needs a code word to let her know without embarrassing her that she needs to get a grip on herself.
You and her friends should know what the word is and use it when needed.
And when she hears it, she shouldn't get upset about it but be more like "Oh, thanks for letting me know!" then turn her volume down.
It will take a little practice at first but will get easier sooner or later.
My kid is 13 and is very loud. She knows this about herself and I have to constantly remind her to tone it down. It does bother some of the other kids too -
You can't change who they are, but they can learn to have more self control
She's figuring it out...she even said..."When I start high school, I'm going to try to be less annoying"
I told her she wasn't annoying, just a little too loud.
Hi S.,
That is such a tough age!! neurologically she can't see around that corner quite yet. Absolutely sit her down but start by asking her questions about how she feels about the situation. by doing this you can gauge her insight into herself and her behavior. once you've evaluated where she's at in terms of her self awareness, give her some coping techniques to employ when she starts to feel herself ramping up. ask her how she feels during these spells and ask her if/what she's thinking. it's like experiencing any other "emotion." there are arcs to them. if she can practice deescalating her goofy arc then she's more than half way there. as always approach her with love and empathy. it's been quite some time since we were that age but we were and we lived through it.
good luck. she'll grow out of this. S.
i wouldn't sit her down and have a Big Talk, necessarily. maybe at some point, but not until a lighter touch has been tried. a Big Listen would work better.
like most things, ongoing open door conversations work best for this. when the opportunity to make a point arises, take it. and if you're looking for them, they will- watching a tv show, when she's telling you about something that happened at school, or just going to the mall with her. 'dang, that boy is over-acting a little, isn't he? he's clearly making his friends uncomfortable. hope he gets a grip before they ditch him.' and if that's not enough, when YOU witness it, a quelling look and 'that's way over the top. knock it off' should help.
it's good that she was upset and embarrassed by being called out on her behavior. the chaperones and her peers did exactly what they should have done.
i'd let it ride and see if it has the desired effect. i'd also open the door to her talking to you about it, and take the opportunity to listen sympathetically but without making excuses for her. let her talk more than you do. ask her what solutions she can think of.
of course you don't want to make her feel bad about herself, but more importantly you want her to be self-analyzing and capable of initiating the change herself.
khairete
S.
I used to do this ... probably still do sometimes. I would get really excited and not even realize that I was getting louder or goofy or anything.
First, empathise with her. Let her know that you realize she's just getting excited and doesn't even notice she's doing it. Then ask her if there is a friend she can trust. Maybe come up with a signal - a code word or a gesture - that that friend can do if she's starting to get loud. That would let her know to take it down a notch without embarrassing her.
I think it's unfortunate that one of the adults would tell her that she's embarrassing the group. It would have been much better if that adult had taken her aside and let her know that she was being a bit too loud and needed to try to reign in her excitement just a little bit.
Let her know that there isn't anything wrong with her and that she isn't doing anything wrong and that this is an awesome part of her personality. She just needs to tone it down a little bit sometimes.
Perhaps you could video her when she's acting like this. And a video of her acting in a way that's NOT overboard. Then sit down with her and gently talk it through. Tell her that it's normal for young teens to act silly. But if people are talking to her about it, like these folks did, then she needs to try to figure out what ways to change her behavior.
Show her the videos. See if she recognizes the difference.
Tell her that sometimes adults do this too and don't know what they look like to others...
My daughter is 13 and I feel incredibly blessed because we rarely have eye rolls and never boy trouble. She is too busy for that and sees the drama it causes her friends...with that being said. We use every opportunity we can as a learning/teaching experience. If you see another kid doing what your kid does that you don't approve of, point it out to her. Show her what other people see when she does those things.
I wouldn't make this a big long conversation, but just try to find more teaching moments. Sounds like she needs it!
If you have several adults and her peers saying its a problem, its a problem. Is it over excitement or does it come across as immature? That could be what gets her peers and embarrasses them. They feel she acts like a little kid.
I would use this as a teachable moment. I would empathize with her, show compassion but you also need to tell her that she might want to modify or take it down several notches. Role play with her. Being excited is great, acting like a twit is not.
Keep it short and sweet. "Honey, sometimes in public you get a little loud and goofy, and it can be kind of annoying. Try to tone it down a bit."
This doesn't require a long conversation. It may take her a while or a few years to moderate this behavior.
Maybe just a polite reminder that we use our inside voices, even outside, in polite society & amongst groups. Nothing too major, I wouldn't come down on her hard either, just helpful real life wisdom...no one really likes a spazz sweetie, kinda thing...but with real love behind it.
Then a comforting reminder that there is a time & a place for everything & one of these days she'll find the right time with the right people to be free & goofy & loud...like maybe in college...at a concert...or her 21st b-day amongst her closest peeps, ha!
