Over Eager Helpers

Congratulations on both your pregnancy and your health! (I had 24/7 nausea during my entire first pregnancy. It was like having the stomach flu for 8.5 months!) If I was your neighbor I would probably be one of those annoyingly helpful ones, too - but it wouldn't be because I felt sorry for you. It would be more about paying it forward (people were really helpful when I was so miserably pregnant)! My suggestion is to give your neighbors something to do that will make them feel useful. (Do any of your neighbors bake or cook? Are you having any cravings? I'll bet someone would be delighted to bake you a cake!) Your neighbors will feel great about feeling helpful. And about mowing your yard: Just tell the lawn mowers that, even though you appreciate it, your OB has encouraged YOU to mow your lawn so you can take advantage of the fresh air and the exercise. Then let them know that as soon as your OB tells you "no more lawn mowing" you will let them know and ask for help. This should help them relax a bit!

wow I was reading alot of these and getting angry I am totally with you when I was prego I worked with a lot of men they didn't have any problems letting me do all the cleaning before they found out I was prego and the minute it slipped (20 wks) all of a sudden it was oh you can't do that you should just sit behind the counter and help customers but honestly I don't like going to classes to exercise I get my exercise from daily activities and I enjoy doing them. maybe next time you neighbors offer to help simply explain to them that you enjoy mowing the lawn and right now you feel great and that even if your hubby were there you would still be doing it but if later you need help (36+wks) you will ask and it will be greatly appretiated. trust me they won't stop after the baby is born either and then you get everyone under the sun wanting to give you advise even when you don't ask for it they will tell you everything that you are doing wrong even if you don't want to hear it so just start getting used to brushing people off cause you got to do it your way. keep up the good work it will help you later during delivery;)

i personally would ask them to save there "need" to help until after you have the baby, because that's when you'll really need it. even though they mean well, sometimes, just being nice isn't enough. if its really getting to you, then maybe its time you just be blunt. good luck.

I'm a navy wife and I know the feeling of enjoying my independence and staying as busy as possible so I don't think about him being gone. I love to do things on my own - but I also know when to give up. My husband worked nights when I was pregnant and I did everything on my own. When the baby dropped, I couldn't even drive my car - it was painful! My mother had to come down and take me to the store, or go to the store for me. If people are willing to help - take it! You may feel great right now, but in a few weeks you're gonna feel a lot bigger and you won't be able to move as easy. You're very lucky to have such supporting people that care about you. Appreciate them! Also - you shouldn't be mowing the grass - the fumes are not healthy for your baby. Good luck!

while I understand how frustrating and embarressing it can be to have everyone offering to help, I wanted to say, this is their way of showing their love and support, and you must be very loved! Accepting their help will make them feel just WONDERFUL and you might just appriciate having some things done, especially towards the end of your pregnancy. Just learn to say no, firm but nicely and not give in when you really mean no. Otherwise, if someone wants to mow your lawn, maybe just let them this time and beat them to it next. At least they are trying to be useful instead of critical and telling you everything you shouldnt be doing but not offering a solution. Your loved! Jen

Hi A.,

Keep looking on the bright side. Pregnancy is only temporary. People love and care about you. Most people, including you probably, love the opportunity to do something nice for someone else. Usually is is win-win and also makes the world a little nicer and a pregnant person is just a huge becon for random acts of kindness. Think of it as a community service on your side; you are making all your neighbors a little happier obliging them. BUT if you can't stand it, be assertive. Sometimes politeness doesn't do anyone justice but you can be assertive and polite at the same time. Getting what you want but keeping their feelings in consideration......

Find something that you could tolerate them helping you with and say so. "Thanks for the offer but I really need the outlet working in the yard. You could help me by.......(helping paint, cleaning gutters, cat box, or other things you shouldn't do or hate doing). Or "Can I take you up on your offer some other time?Then in becomes win-win. Feelings and sanity stay in tact.

It could be worse! Good luck - K.

Hi A.! I had a similar experience when I was pregnant, people get crazy. I was working at a hotel and many woman felt free to comment that it was a horrible thing for me to work. I just kept working and listened silently. A lot of other things bothered me though, I felt like I couldn't do anything simply because I was pregnant, I made the mistake of not talking to my doctor and listening to everyone around me. Some people told me I couldn't swim because of the stuff in the pool, come to find out, swimming is one of the best things you can do when you're pregnant. I can't see how mowing the lawn would be a bad thing to do. It gets you excercize if you are using a push mower and excersize is esstential when you are expeting. My mother (an RN) said you could continue doing active stuff, or even lifting weights if it was what you were doing before pregnancy. It seems you were mowing the lawn before pregnancy. Perhaps you could tell your neighbors the Doctor said it would be good for you, not just that it's okay to do, but that it's actually good for you. :)

There are two issues here. One is you are getting tired of having to respond politely to people who want to help. You would probably prefer it if people would simply stop asking. However, that's probably not going to happen. Put the shoe on the other foot. If you knew someone in your position, would you not like to offer help? So getting individuals to stop asking probably isn't going to happen.

That said, you say, "My neighbors have refused to allow me to mow my lawn." Whoa, these are NEIGHBORS. There is no way they can mow your lawn without your permission. When you say, "I've been polite," you indicate that your "No, thank you" may be so weak as to be ineffective. This is your house, your life, your pregnancy. You do not have to accept others' generosity if you don't want to.

Let's say someone says, "I'd like to make some dinners for you to have in your freezer."

"I appreciate your intention, but no thank you."

"Oh, but really, it's no trouble. I'd like to do it."

"Thank you but no."

"How about if I just make up one or two."

"Thank you but no."

Get the idea? Hopefully the helpful person will as well.

It's really difficult to say "No" without giving an explanation and also mean it. I think we teach people how to treat us and your neighbors at least, have learned that when you say No, you don't mean it. If you really don't want people doing things to help, then you need to stand up and just keep saying "No," until they get it.

Another thing to think about though is giving a bit. For instance, are there things you might want help with once the baby is born? Maybe you'd like help with laundry or babysitting or fresh veggies from someone's garden. Offering an alternative to anyone who would like to help creates a win-win situation.

My guess is that you will come to a place where you can use some help and by thanking people for their generous offer but adding something like, I'll bet I will be able to use some help once the baby comes, so I'll call you, will be useful.

Finally, I think that all this needs to be said in a tone of real appreciation. I have many clients who would be grateful for ANYONE to step forward and offer a hand. Reciprocate someone's generous offer in a way that is clear, confident, yet kind.

Hope some of this helps.

Warmly,

L.
www.CoachWithLynn.com

Hi A.,

It sounds like you do not want to be rude, so I might suggest telling your over eager helpers that you are just pregnant, excited, and while the gestures are appreciated they are not necessary. I would remind them that pregnancy is a natural occurrence, not a medical malady. Have fun with your pregnancy!

T.

How funny A.-I was just having a similar conversation with one of my best friends from college, who is pregnant with her first child also. She is beginning to hear the same thing! People often do this as some sign of kindness but it just really got on my nerves. Of course I accepted some kind gestures to help but when it came to mowing my lawn, picking up some boxes, etc. I would tell those who would say "you shouldn't be doing this" what did women do when they were working on the ranch? I refer back to how women have always been fit and kept up a household back in the "Little House on the Prairie" days (chuckle) and that it is my belief, that a healthy, pregnant women who continues to do MOST physical things throughout her pregnancy will have an easier labor. For heavens sake, women have been pregnant for hundreds of years and the womb is a safe, extremely padded bubble for your little one to grow! I understand your ligaments are much more sensitive to injury so I watched some of my bigger activities but I continued mowing my lawn up until 2 days before I had Jace, and much to my neighbors' protests, but my happiness :) ! Sounds kind of cheesy but I believe it is sweet of others offering to help, accept some help, but stick up for what you believe!

Not to be rude, but take the help while you can get it. You might not be so lucky when you need it and there will be no one there to help you. Example: Later on down the road you have a couple kids at home in elementery school and one of them break out in head lice. Your husbands gone, and suprisingly then no one wants to help you. Your stuck with going through the entire house and cleaning and laundering everything. The couches the cars and you'll swear you've got it too. And the constant picking of nits every night until you don't find anymore, cause if you miss one they will remulitply and you'll be cleaning all over again. It's amazing then who will not show up to give you a helping hand. I have four kids and sometimes I wish someone would come help us and my husband is at home. Just something to think about.

Hi A.,

I'm with the other Momma here who says take the help! This time is for you. If you were on your way out the door to mow your lawn & your sweet neighbor wants to do it for you, go do preggo yoga! If you were going to go grocery shopping & your MIL wants to, go to the park & breath some fresh air & talk to your baby girl. These precious moments go quickly. And once you have the baby, you're going to wish you had had more of them. Also, if you alienate these people who want to help you, they might not come back around after you shoe them away. You also don't want to do anything that will force you into bed-rest. Trust me, it's NOT fun! You have been blessed with the burden of people who care A LOT about you, your baby girl & your husband. Some people don't have anyone to help. Be thankful for what you have and accept it. I know how it is. I was a very independent woman working 50 hours a week on my feet restoring a 1920 house by myself when I got pregnant. Then I had to go on bed rest & accept help from friends & family. I was always the one to help. I look at it as the Universe coming back around for me.
Good luck Momma!!!
S.