My husbands brother is getting married out of town(12 hours away)this fall. I sat down today and figured out how much it will cost us to go and I can't see spending that much. For our family of 4 it will be about $1800(this is driving down, not flying!!). This is a bare minimum. I asked him to go alone since it would save us about $1000. He is mad about it, but we just do not have the money. Besides, he is in the wedding party and will not be with us most of the time. Am I way out of line to not want to spend $1800 that we don't really have? We spent just a bit more than that on our entire wedding!
Added: I see many are suggesting staying with someone. The thing is only his brother lives down there, all the family is here. The reason it is costing so much is that they insist we are there for tux fittings 3 days before. They have set up blocks at a hotel that cost $120/night(incl. tax). Our huge expense is having to board our 3 dogs, appx. $100/night. There is no one here to sit with them for that many days. My mother is over 70 and has lupus. I can't ask that of her. Driving is the cheapest if we all go(about $250). We then have the tux rental($200), the kids and I seriously have nothing to wear so at a minimum about $100 for us 3, food will be at least $200, the gift, plus misc things. I will not leave my kids, it is my daughters birthday on their wedding day. It really wouldn't save but a couple hundred to leave them behind. If it were just my husband we wouldn't have the dog care, he could sleep on a roll away in his parents hotel room and spend 1/2 for that, to fly just him down is $100 less then for us to drive. Plus less food and clothing costs.
Can't blame you one bit for not wanting to go. Times are tough and that is a lot of money. Not to mention the stress of traveling with teens if they don't want to go...do they? Ouch. Good luck on this one.
S.
It is his brother so I would say you need to go. My husband did not come out for my brothers wedding 7 years ago and it is still a sore spot with my family. You need to go if for no other reason than keeping the peace. Try to cut costs where you can. It shouldn't cost that much if you are driving.
$1800 is a LOT more than we have ever paid for hotels and travel costs (family of 5) but I also don't know where you are going or what the hotel costs are.
Is there anyway you can stay with family to save money?
hey heidi
is there anyone who can stay with the kids so you and hubby can go alone it is his brother and if the two of you can go together that would probley make alot of people happy instead of hurt fealing it just a thought
Everyone is giving great suggestions, I hopeyou take them and go, for the sake ofyour family. One thing though, is to ask the help of your husband's family, tell them that you want to be there but just don't have the money and see if they will help. And I agree to forget the hotel they chose, look for a better deal elsewhere, and wear whatever you can. If you work with the tux shop you don't have to go 3 days in advance, and spend 3 days more on hotel and food. Many national chains of men's tuxes have programs where you can be measured at one store and pick it up at another.
I think you've hit on the best solution unless you can find a way to cut the cost like in half by staying with someone etc. I'd have a heart-to-heart with hubby and see if you can plan something else that will make him feel better and is in your budget - before or after the wedding. Being a homeschooler is such a great decision! Sounds like hubby is feeling pressure from his childhood family or wants to impress them with his beautiful family or his loyalty or both, but right now everyone is pretty sympathetic to cost-cutting measures. I am always shocked at what people spend on weddings and what expectations they have of those they choose to participate. It's just one day - come on! Please do not go into debt over this.
My husband would totally identify with you! We used to live in KY and I was always traveling back up to MI for weddings and such. Recently...before moving back...my cousin got married. We were all in the wedding and the cost was WAY TOO MUCH!
However, had we said no to being in the wedding let alone not show up at all I never would have heard the end of it. Not to mention the fact that we would be the topic of conversation for years to come!
May I ask why it would be $1800? Is that because for each person you have to give them more money or something? I know that's how our crazy family does it. For every person that attends the event you are supposed to give a set amount to cover the cost of your plate PLUS you have to give a little extra for the actual gift. Typically for just two people we would spend $120 to $200 on just the gift. It's like the God Father or Goodfellas...we just hand the couple envelopes full of $$$. I never got it...I mean...I didn't tell them to spend $80 a plate! Why do I have to pay for it??? I didn't invite myself, they invited me!
Sorry, I got away from the subject...lol.
Anywya, let me know what the cost breakdown is and maybe I can help you figure a way to cut back? If you want the input.
Being that it is his brother and not just a distant relative I can understand why he would want you all there. I don't think you are out of line to not want to spend that kind of money. However, I do understand your hubby's view. It's a tuff spot to be in.
Hope you can find a solution!
Heidi ~
I would say find out where the tux is coming from...there's no reason you can't get one here, or at least get fitted for it here.
Also, like others have said, look around for a cheaper hotel to stay at...try tripadvisor.com they have lots of places with review from people who have stayed there.
You don't have to eat out for every meal. Take a cooler, alot of hotels have small fridges, or find a hotel that offers free breakfasts, quite a few do.
You can always check out some thrift stores for outfits...you'd be surprised what you find there! Sometimes the tags are still on!
Why is it so much to board your dogs? Most vets do it for $10-$15/night/dog (I could be off a little, my groomer dogsits for us so it's cheaper, but I believe that's what other people have told me they charge). Or, would one of your son's friends be responsible enough to come over several times a day and let them out?
There are lots of options for you, and alot of good advice on here!
Go, enjoy your mini vacation!
D.
I would say HA to the 3 day tux fitting... that sounds more like a 3 day bachelor party excuse for the wives of the groomsmen. lol Or maybe the bride is worried and wants it done ahead of time.... Get the # of the shop and call them. Tell the groom that you CANNOT make it there 3 days ahead of time... how about 2 days ahead.
Check out other hotels in the area... $120.- a night as a reduced rate seems really high. Call around. You may be able to get something for half as much... Or get the expensive room for the night of the wedding (assuming that the reception will be held closer to it than your cheaper hotel) and the cheaper the rest of the nights...
Take a cooler. Instead of going to a restaurant, go to the grocery store... Buy cereal and milk for breakfasts... sandwich stuff from the deli for lunches... Stock up on snacks and keep them in your room.
Hubby is going for the wedding... Look around online and plan a vacation for you and the kids... Perhaps there are tours, parks, museums etc that would interest you and the kids spending time at...
Make sure your hotel has an indoor pool and pack your swimsuits...
Make it fun for you and the kids also... But try to go for cheap- free stuff...
Speaking as someone who got married in a different state than my whole family lived in I can say that there will never be a smooth relationship with those relatives that could have made it, but didn't even try. I would go.
As for the dogs... You know someone in the area... My friend has her old babysitter watch her pets... Maybe contact your neighbors, friends, kids friends, or church to see if there is someone who would like to make $20-$30.- a day cash. (paid when you get back and inspect the house/ pets)
where there is a will theres a way.
Hi Heidi,
I think that since it is his brother, you need to go. Like others have said, it'll probably be a lifelong sore spot if you don't attend. Try to stay with family, if possible, or find less expensive lodging. Make your husband be a huge part of the economics of the situation...don't let him hand it off to you...but remember, this is his brother...so it's important to him to have you all there.
Good Luck!
My family is 12 hours away from where we had our wedding and live now. I would have been incredibly hurt if they told me it was too expensive. As for the tux fitting, go to a local tux store, get your measurements and send them to the tux rental they have chosen. It's done all the time.
We had members of the wedding party show up for rehearsal, the night before and the night of the wedding. That would save you alot. As for a gift, it would be your presence. Make something and BE THERE! In our family, we have only had one chance to be at our siblings weddings (Thank God). Don't miss it.
well...asking you to be there for the tux fittign 3 days before is just ridiculous...tux's are the most universal thing out there, he can get measured locally, and send his measurements there, then...if you are there the day before, right when they open they are capable of making the necessary changes that same day. EVERY tux shop does that.
now when it comes to your clothing...you'd be very surprised what a good consignment shop would have as far as clothes go...also...its the time of year when all the stores have prom attire clearanced out big time (that is if it's formal) ! you and your daughter can go scope a few clearance racks right now and I guarantee you won't pay more than $25 each. as far as your son goes...I've bought my son's suits on e-bay...$30 max! and they are nice.
so now your family is outfitted for about $100 total, including accessories.
the hotel...you really should only need the night before and the night of $250. wouldn't hurt to check the area...maybe there is a cheaper hotel around?
gas...can't get away from gas...i would suggest just buying a $30 gas car each week, starting now...that way...it's not such a lump sum expense the week of, ya know?
I think you could pull this off for under $700
Sorry to say, Heidi, but you've got to go to the wedding. Do your best to cut costs where you can.
Its your husbands brother, I think you should all go. Its your childrens uncle. Maybe your family isnt' as close as ours, but there's no way on this planet, I would ever consider not going to my brother or sisters weddings. We may go without other things, so we could be there, on this very important day. Just my thought. But no way, would I not go and take my family.
Leave it up to your husband to figure out how to pay for it. If you really, truly can't afford it, he will come to that conclusion on his own or he will find some way to pay for it. A wedding is hopefully a once in a lifetime event, you won't have to pay this ever again. If it is his brother, I would think it important for you all to be there and show your kids the importance of family and especially something so momentus as a wedding. Keep your eye out for cheap flights and stay the minimum nights you can.
Ugh, Heidi, I feel your pain. Both my brother and husband's brother got married in the same year, in CA and WA!! We got lucky and my parents paid for us to go to my brother's wedding, however, my in-laws were not as thoughtful. We ended up dropping 2,000 for his wedding, which was what we paid for our wedding total! This was just my husband and I, no kids yet! I would voice your concern to your inlaw's, and or your brother in law that is getting married. Kind of feel him out to see if he really wants you and your kids there. Just explain it will be a finacial struggle, but if it's important to him, you will be there. Also, start saving now. Have you looking into flights leaving from Detroit? Sometimes you can get really cheap tickets and it makes it cheaper than driving...that is only sometimes though :) If your brother in law or husband are that strong about you going, just suck it up and start making cut backs now. The more you start saving now, the less of a burden it will be when the time comes around. Good luck and I completely feel your pain!
Even if you have to camp in his back yard, you need to be there. Its worth it. But make sure that you are a happy camper and not complaining about the cost the whole time.
My husband and I try our best to do what is right for our family first and hope it falls into our budget. This doesnt always work out and obviously I would not choose a wedding over making sure my children were properly fed but, I say it's family- you should find a way to be there.
It seems like it is important to your husband. Would it be any cheaper if just you went down, provided there is good care for the two children? Any way you can stay with someone in order to save some money while there?
I would check with a local tux place to see if they can take your husbands measurement and send them to the tux place there so you don't have to go down 3 days in advance. Also I would check other hotels, with the economy, the way it is a lot of hotels are offer lower rates, just to sell the rooms. Also check with you vet to see if they have a list of people who dog sit, that they would recommend.
If your husband doesn't have any concerns about it, why not go?
I've had neighbors watch our pets. I've also had a pet sitter come in once or twice daily, and we were gone closer to 2 weeks! And that only cost $300+/-. Look in vet clinics for pet sitters. Or the yellow pages.
Motel 6 or Red Roof Inns are inexpensive.
Or you could combine all the expenses and rent a travel trailer. Then you could cook, sleep, chill out, maybe even have the dogs along.
but the best bet is to sit down and rationally discuss it. If there are bills that show up that time of year that you need to put away for, bring it up.
We have out-of-town siblings and no way around it, it can be expensive to visit. We have always made it a priority to go especially for important events like weddings and graduations.
Last year we had our first child and my sister in law didn't come up to visit. I am now more than halfway through our second pregnancy and she's not planning to come for this one either -- both times it's been because it's too expensive. I understand, but my feelings are still hurt.
If you don't go, especially for an event as important as a wedding, you're essentially telling your brother-in-law and the rest of your family that they're simply not a priority in your life.
Here's how I would make it work:
Say no to the three-day tux fitting. It's excessive. You can get there the day before, and the tux shop can work around it. Call the shop directly and ask to speak to a manager to arrange this.
If you have a babysitter or have used one in the past OR know friends who have a reliable babysitter, ask them if they would be willing to dog-sit. We found a reliable 15-year-old who will stop by 4 times a day for $20 a day (once in the morning, twice during the day, and once right before bed). My hairstylist is young and single and offered to stay at our home for $30 a day (not per dog, total). I call every day to check on them. If you're willing to be open-minded, there are a lot of more affordable options than boarding the dogs.
Take another look in your closet. This is family we're talking about, you don't need to impress anyone -- you just need to look presentable. Surely there is SOMETHING you and the kids can wear. If you're truly not just being picky, and really have not a thing that could work, go to a resale shop.
Pack a cooler of food and drinks that will at least cover breakfasts and lunches while you're gone. Then just add new ice every day. If you pack well, you will only have to eat out once a day. And for that meal you can go to McDonald's (or Subway, etc) and spend $20 instead of going to a sit down restaurant.
Find a cheap hotel. Last time we had an out of town wedding we found one for $65 a night by looking around online before we got there. It wasn't great, it didn't have a pool, and I brought Clorox Wipes and wiped down the bathroom before I would touch anything. =) I would have never chosen it as a vacation destiniation. But, it was affordable and allowed us to attend the wedding.
Lastly, enlist your family's help. Tell them it's too important to miss, and you need their help. Let them help pack the cooler, assign them the job of finding an outfit that would work for the wedding from their closet, and have fun giggling over the hotel you have to stay in. You'll have more fun than you think if you have a good-natured attitude about it, and you're teaching your kids an important lesson about the importance of family.
Bottom line, if you don't go, it's beacuse it wasn't a big enough priority for you to figure out how to make it work, and you're making a bigger statement than you realize about their place in your life.
WOW! $1800.00 is a lot of money. I am trying to figure out how you came up with that dollar amount though. We have family that live in Tennessee which is 12 hours away and it cost us about $150 in gas round trip. Are you adding in cost for outfits, hotel stay and food? Still seems high if you are. My husband, my two daughters and myself are all standing up in my sister in laws wedding this August and with the dresses and a tux it cost us $500.00. If your husband is the only one standing up doesn't seem like it would cost that much for outfits. Make your stay minimum so you are not spending a lot on a hotel, try priceline.com to get a deal or use expedia or Orbitz if you want to know exactly where you will be staying. This is your husbands brother so I can understand that he would like his own family to attend the wedding, but I also understand $1800.00 is alot to shell out just to be a part of the day. I would go back over the figures and try to work something out. Just a thougt, good luck!!
there is no reason why your husband has to be fitted for a tux there. your husband could get measured at any tux place and send the measurements. this happens ALL the time for weddings for men and women, and women are harder to fit. if you explain to them that you can't swing the extra hotel nights, maybe they'll agree to this. otherwise, they're being unreasonable.
could you find a neighbor or friend to look in after your dogs, and pay them 1/2 price? my sister just got a twenty-something daughter of a friend to come to her house to look after her 4 smelly labs, for $40/day, so i'm sure you could find someone. teenagers LOVE to make money this way...
perhaps your kids could borrow clothes from a friend? or check out a thrift store?
also, consider packing your food to save money on the road.
i personally think that it would be ok for just your husband to go, but it is his brother, so i can see how it would be important to him.
one thing to consider that may not apply to you. i always forget about our credit card rewards. with our rewards, we can get gift cards to TONS of places. if you have this, you could use the gift card for the gift, which would save you some cash...
