My older (25 years older) half sister who lives in Florida and recently retired has been hinting that as a retirement present to herself, she is coming to visit me and my other sister who lives about an hour away. Neither one of us want her to stay with us. Her last visit with us was three years ago and we could't wait to get her back on that plane back to Florida. She is very assertive, pushy, opinionated and likes to rearrange our houses when she is here. She also can down a bottle of vodka in one night and won't shut up. How do I handle her wanting to come up and visit? How do I say no without hurting her feelings? I've been avoiding her calls lately but that seems to fire her up even more. She went through 3 husbands and her own children don't bother with her anymore. I feel very guilty that I would be very happy if I never saw her again. I welcome your suggestions. Thanks.
Wow - that's a tough one! Sounds like a wonderful visit!!!!!!
Whenever you do talk to her could you simply saw, "Wow, that would be great to see you - here are some hotels that are great....."
Why are you so concerned about her feelings when she isn't the least bit concerned about yours. REALLY - "She is very assertive, pushy, opinionated and likes to rearrange our houses when she is here."
Don't be co-dependent. Be courageous and tell her the truth in love.
It would go something like this, "Sister dear when you came to visit us three years ago, it was very stressful for me and my family. You are very assertive, pushy and opinionated and you rearranged my home without my permission. While I can't tell you where you can or can't go to visit, I am letting you know that I believe it would be in the best interest of all involved if you were to stay in a hotel and also rent a car while you visit this area."
Any protests she may have or any hurt feelings are only to be responded to with a list of affordable hotels in your area and a rental car company she can connect with at the airport. If she is lacking a drivers license give her a list of area taxi cabs.
Time to grow up. You are an adult too. She has no authority over your house or household. If you really feel as though you can't do it have your husband do it for you. Often my husband volunteers to be the bad guy when I don't want to deal with someone difficult. I hope this helps. Keep us posted.
You have to decide whose feelings are more important to you. I have a hierarchy - husband, my kids, our parents, then our siblings. If someone has to have hurt feelings, the ones that are lower in the hierarchy are the ones that I will choose to hurt. No matter what choice you make, someone will have hurt feelings. So if she is hurt, that is her choice. She chose to be an unwelcome guest when she chose to act so ungraciously. You say you would be happy to never see her again. So give yourself that gift. If she decides to never speak to you again over your recommendation that she stay in a motel, then that is a bonus! And your other sister can do what she wants - host her or not. But you have the right to not have her turn your happy home into a madhouse!
I would email her some hotel suggestions that are in the middle of both your homes, so she isn't too close to either one of you! That way, while she is here, she can "share" you. Meaning she can spend equal time at both homes without overwhelming one of you. And if she has to pay for a hotel, its likely she won't stay as long. If she says something after she gets the email, just say it would be better if she stayed somewhere else. You really don't owe her an explanation other than that. Then when she is out, hopefully you won't have that much time with her. Good luck!
If you tell her the truth be prepared that she will be hurt and angry and will blame you. Be prepared for her to say, fine, I will never visit you or see you again (or some other such temper tantrum). Don't let your feelings get hurt and agonize about it - just expect this. Just tell her calmly, I love you but you need to know these things. She sounds impossible! My own mom can be a lot like your sister...she used to come visit and constantly criticize things (our house) and would rearrange things like pictures on the wall to make them look better. She would nag my husband to get to work on house projects and drive him totally insane. She is better now about a lot of this...but she did go through a time where she refused to speak to me bc I spoke out to her about things and she took it very personally. It was worth it.
Yup, hotel. They'd be pissed if she rearranged their furniture. You could recommend one with a pool so everyone can go to the pool and swim? Maybe have dinner and a drink at the bar, then leave her there for the night...
I agree with the other posters - try to suggest a hotel.
I have a sister with the same personality and character and I hate going to her house or travel with her. She wants everybody to follow her as she is also very assertive and pushy. It's not easy dealing with her and I could feel the sentiment of the writer.
