Out of Town Funeral / Bereavment Gift

We each grieve differently, and you don't have to justify your feelings to anyone.

As someone who's had cancer with 2 very small children (diagnosed the day before my son's second birthday and 10 weeks after my daughter's birth), I can say that the people in your lives help you get past the shock of the situation. Of course, our situation is much different.

My only thought is that having you there, knowing the loss you're feeling may actually be helpful to them. However, if you can't for your own reasons, I'd be honest. I'd tell them how much you want to support the family in their time of grief, but you're still dealing with your own - no one can fault you for that.

If I were in your situation, I'd send a card now - they'll be receiving a lot from other people, but the donations and generosity will die down quickly over the next few weeks. The father and children will be dealing with the loss for many, many more years. I'd probably send something for the girls randomly in a few weeks/months - put a lot of care and thought into it and let them know they're always in your thoughts and prayers.

Almost 2 years out from my diagnosis, few people bother to ask how we're doing anymore. Life moves on, people forget and think you're OK when it's a daily battle not matter how well you do putting a convincing game face on for the public.

Good luck with your mourning!

I think your gift & your prayers a good enough, I am sure your friend's family will understand why you can't attend.... I am sorry for your recent losses

It's not selfish. Do you think you can write a note to your friend expressing how much you want to be there? I'm sure he will understand. A care package for the children is such a nice gesture.

HI L.,

EVERYONE should understand. A kind note expressing your sympathy and the fact that you are still grieving the loss of your sister should suffice. You gifts should be greatly appreciated.

God bless and please except my sympathy. I can't imagine what you're going through.

M.

P.S. If you haven't thought of where to donate the money may I suggest the breastcancerfund.org. Their money goes to research and prevention unlike the American Cancer Society that only funds pharmaceutical research.

I think that this is the best thing for you right now. Even with your own grieving, you are able to think of others and reach out the best way for you now. I am very, vry sorry about the (sudden) death of your sister. May time and wonderful memories help you through this difficult time in your life.
SIncerely----M.

You can and should push yourself to attend. I am not telling you this to be heartless. This is a one time deal to be there for these people. You woul not want to have the regret of missing out on saying your goodbye to your friend. This death has nothing to do with your sister. It sucks when people die, but it is a ppart of life. You have the power to help this family move on and you never know, they may help you through your loss at the same time.

L.,
Be kind to yourself. I'm glad you decided not to attend. I lost my older brother suddenly due to an accident 3 years ago. He was 40. I understand too much what you are going through. It took me a full year of intense grieving to even be remotely ready to come out of my haze.
I'm sorry for your loss. Your sister will be in your heart forever.

Dear L.,
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your sister and your friend.
I, personally, don't think it's selfish not to attend your friend's service given your own bereavement so recently.
You can send a card for now, and I think the idea of doing something for the children or sending a care package is a lovely idea.
One of my dearest friends passed away when I was out of town because my aunt had passed away. I couldn't be in two places at once and felt really bad about it. I sent a beautiful card and money to help with her children.
Anyway, her family was very understanding. I had a nice visit with her mother after I returned and it was nice for just the two of us to have that time to remenisce after the flood of all the arrangements, food and cards and flowers and well wishers had settled somewhat.

If you're not up to going, you're just not up to going. And, as someone who has had my share of losses lately, we tend to be a pretty understanding bunch.
I look at things this way...
My friend knew how much she meant to me in life. She wouldn't want me stressing or beating myself up on her account. Her family felt the same way.
I have a feeling your friend's family will be the same.
Maybe you can plan a visit when emotions aren't so raw.
This is obviously on your heart so it's not a matter of not caring.
Give yourself the time to process it all if you need it.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

L., its okay if you can't go. Just because you don't attend a funeral, doesn't mean you won't grieve her loss. I think sending a monetary gift and care package is totally appropriate--send it with a thoughtful handwritten card/note. Maybe mention some good memories you shared together. After the funeral is over, this family will need help and time to heal just as you do for your sister. Maybe you can go in a few weeks and offer to help with the kids or something. There will probably be a ton of people at the wake/funeral, but this will taper off afterward and that will actually be a good time to lend a hand. Just do what you can, it will be enough. I wish you the best in this hard time.

Send the care package with a note saying sorry for your loss. No need for more. Sorry about your loss. A.

I had a friend who passed away last year and he had 2 twin girls who were only 2. What I did is I got the girls the book Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen and I got his wife the book Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert. This book would also be good for you. I am sorry for your loss of your sister and your friend.

If you don't feel strong enough to go, then don't. He'll understand.
I had a thought that you could send a bereavement throw to the funeral or to the house. It can be the kids special blanket for when they feel like they want to be near mom. Sorry for your loss and the loss of your friend's wife.

It's okay. Along with your gift, send a card saying briefly why you couldn't come.

Hugs, I am so sorry for your recent loss! I think it's perfectly understandable for you to skip the funeral. They may not even think twice about it, being that it's not a local friend. I think it would be lovely to send the children a gift (and a note with some nice memory/ies of their mom if you have some to share) and the donation to their fund would be very nice. I am sorry for your loss, and for your friend's loss and the children.