Out of Control 3 Year Old! - Binghamton,NY

I will only add that it would help, I think, to speak to him in advance, since you are considering changing behaviors. Tell him, tonight, Daddy and I are not going to come if you start screaming. I know that will be hard, but you need to get some rest and even if you don't sleep you need to just lie there and rest, so we're not going to come. Then, of course, you have to follow through!
Since this is a new thing for him, maybe you want to begin gradually by going to him the first night or two, but gently refusing his demands. Then go back to bed (and have the worst night's sleep of YOUR life ;) )
I also believe this will work, no matter how hard.
Good luck!

I am SOOOO sorry to hear your story. Gosh what a nightmare you are in. I would love to say this too shall pass but I will say you have been very patient with how you are handling this. I hope this does not come off as rude but my motto is "squeeky wheel gets the oil" right? so the louder he screams or beats thing, eventually mom and dad cave. My daughter started this (I think I have a question regarding it...but its not as severe as yours)..she would get so hysterical during CIO (for over 2 hours each session) that she would vomit, take off her clothes and urinate on the floor. mine didnt kick walls or doors so I didnt have to worry about that..just the unsanitary (and constant cleaning up) of the vomit and pee. Even after 2 hours of this going on, I went in, wiped the vomit off any parts of her naked body, dressed her in new pj's and put her back to bed. I got the vomit (on the floor...not the bed thankfully) later when she was sleeping. On a side note, before going to bed we talked to her about being a good girl when going night night and if she was naughty, she got NO candy and NO TV all the next day (I swear that is more punishment for me than her) and I stuck to it. so she wailed for 2 hours, puked, peed etc. and the NEXT day, she was not allowed to watch TV or have candy..I stuck to my guns...that night, we talked again about being a good girl at night. So her 'drama' thankfully only lasted 2 days and she still trys to manipulate us. I try to stick to my guns..doesnt always work.
Im not saying it will work for you and perhaps seeing someone will help...I guess it cant hurt right?? You do whats in your gut. I dont think you have done anything wrong. Hang in there...I wish you luck
EDIT: I wanted to add something to my response after reading some of the other responses. I have spanked my daughter on the butt when its necessary (her disrespecting mom and dad and doing naughty things like puking on the floor). But that is my last resort and I have only had to do it a few times thankfully.

I could have written this post myself! I just asked a similar question. My 3 year old had started throwing the most amazing fits I have ever seen. She was hitting, kicking, biting etc, all of which was out of character for her. I was also thinking I needed a therapist! I took her to her peditrician and he told me that it is actually quite normal 3 year old behavior. He said we just needed to crack down and be more firm. So we did, I mean we really cracked down with her and OMG what a difference. Its only been a week, but I have seen a big improvement. When she starts to throw a fit, she goes straight to her room and I shut the door and tell her 'when you calm down you can come out', and I actually hold the door shut (my dr told me to lock the door, but I just could not lock her in so I hold the door shut). A few times of this and she got the message. Now if she starts to throw a fit, I pick her up and start heading for her room, and she says 'NO NO' and calms right down. But we also really buckled down all the time, not just during tantrums. We no longer let her get away with ANYTHING. We were too lenient before and I think it blurred the boundaries. Now that there are clear rules in our house, and we don't give an inch, I have seen a huge improvement in her behavior.

Honestly I think your son sounds like a typical 3 year old. Just don't give in. In the middle of the night when he wants you to do 5 things in a certain order, you just have to tell him NO. Let him have an hour long fit if he wants. He will learn that you won't give in to him and the fits will stop. Trust me!! I have seen it with my own child. They play us like fiddles if we let them. Take the control back. Good luck to you, I know how hard it is!

You are encouraging his behavior by letting him express it in a violent manner. Time-outs, thinking chairs, and verbally expressing feelings in a calm manner are the ways to redirect his behaviors...and yours.

When you come in at night, he has trained you to act the way he wants you to according to his behavior. He has also trained you to let him get away with negative behavior because you give him attention regardless. With children, negative attention is better than none. You'll need to figure out when to leave him alone and for how long (3 minutes of silence from him)..THEN discuss with him what behavior is acceptable and what is not.

When he starts school, they are not going to put up with this behavior. If it doesn't cease, he will run into behavioral issues throughout his life and get into trouble with the law.

Honestly, it's fairly typical behavior of a 3 year old. I've had four kids so far. My first two weren't as bad as #3...and my 4th is only 14 months, so she hasn't gotten there yet. My #3 has had quite the temper. She can scream like no other kid I've ever heard!

I think it might help if you approach it that his behavior is actually quite typical for his age AND for his personality (because there are some super easy going kids that don't do this...but most do). Seeing a therapist for you guys as parents might help. It might help give you some parenting tools to react in a way that might help get better results.

Just for some ideas...my kids when they were three weren't ready to sleep in their own rooms. They go to sleep in there, but at night, they are allowed to come in our room. Right now only our 3 yr old is in our room, but we had a total of three of them in there for a while! They had little spots next to our bed. I used to be so scared when I was a little kid and always had to stay in my room no matter how I felt. I decided with my kids, they could keep coming in our room until they felt safe. So...I know that's not the most popular idea, but it is way less stressful for us as parents. When they get older, it's easier to have them stay in their room.

As for the temper tantrums, I'd look into his diet. Make sure he's not getting sugar, fast food, or things like that. It can REALLY affect a child's temper and their ability to manage it. If he's good with those things, then when he throws a tantrum, I would get on his level, see it from his point of view, and...try to give him a hug. It doesn't mean you undo anything you did that might have caused the tantrum. Such as, if you told him to not play with a certain something, and he threw a fit, you don't then tell him he can play with it...but you can comfort him for feeling upset about it. Even saying something like "Oh, I know that has to be soooo frustrating to want to play with that and not be able to. If I were little, I would probably feel upset too." With my kids, oftentimes this calms them right down. They might want to chat a little and express their feelings some, but then they are good and ready to go.

If the tantrum doesn't stop, I do put them in a positive time out. It's a place where they can go (their bed) and sit and look at books and relax. It's not meant as punishment. If I can, I will stay in there with them and help talk with them about things. But sometimes there is the screaming and no way that you can reason anything with them. If that is the case, sometimes they just need to be allowed to scream in a place that is respectful to other people - as in, not in the middle of the kitchen or living room;-) So, I'll take them into their room and let them scream.

By the way, I'm basing my answers here off of a book called "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen. She has one for preschoolers. I really like it. It's given me a way different approach to parenting. I used to think if I hugged my kid while he was throwing a fit that I must somehow be telling him it's okay to throw a fit. But...that's not what happens. Instead, they calm down WAY faster and feel like their feelings matter and that I heard them.

I'd also see if hubby working from home might be part of the issue. It's hard to work and take care of kids at the same time. I imagine it must be a huge struggle for your hubby to make sure he's giving them all the attention they need during his working time. That could also be a huge reason for the crazy behavior. I know that when I get preoccupied with my own thing (even if I HAVE to do it), if the kids dont' get the attention they need, they behave WAY worse. I'm not sure what you could do about it. Is there anyway he can do his work while you are home? I'm not sure what type of job he has.

Anyway, hope that helps a tiny bit. Best of luck!