Our 10 Year Old Daughter Keeps Playing Sides and Her Mother Always Plays into It

I'm a stepmother, and I understand completely how much you love her and how much you want to influence her for the better. I also understand working with a jealous, even vengeful and perhaps manipulative bio mother. Here's my advice.

Stop calling this child your daughter. You can love her endlessly and jump in front of a train for her. But please, for the sake of everyone, stop referring to her as your daughter. Your husband must parent her in your house, period. If he can work with his ex in any way/shape/form, he should try. If they go to parenting class or mediation or a counselor, even better.

Your stepdaughter should not be calling one parent all the time when she is with the other. My husband had a set time to talk to his daughters, and by and large, that scheduled was followed. If your stepdaughter has her own phone, that should get put away when she visits you. Your husband should make it clear that he's not getting in between daughter and mom, but trying to establish a routine. He should offer a sensible plan for calling his daughter when she's at Mom's. The child needs to be told by both of them that she's not going to play one against the other. Your husband should be the one saying "It's how things are" or "different people have different rules. That's how it is with teachers and employers and college professors - you do what's expected and you learn to adjust." Not you. Your husband.

The most you should say is that the reason there is time to do nails is that the chores are done. Many hands make light work. If everyone works, the job gets done faster, and there's more spare time. If she doesn't do her chores at Dad's, then stepmom isn't doing nails or going for a bike ride. But your answer needs to be, "Talk to your dad." "Your dad will talk to your mom." And especially, "Don't say bad things about your mom in front of me. I won't listen to that. Your mom works hard on your behalf and you will speak about her with respect.

None of this "You don't have to go to your dad's" if that's what you're saying. Your husband and a counselor - or a lawyer - can work out parental alienation. Visitation time is visitation time, period. Changes in schedule get worked out between Mom and Dad without the child being in the middle.

Part of the reason the mom is doing this is that she is jealous of you and feels that it's all Party Time at your house and that you are trying to replace her or even equal her. You have to work harder to prevent that.

This will blow up in your face when she's a tween and a teenager. Get ahold of it now. And yes, walk away from the drama and don't get sucked into it. You're being played here a bit.

You have to realize that she is not your daughter. It's admirable for you to treat her as your own, which you should but you are not her mom.

You have to step back and not allow her to get to you. By reacting you are letting her know it pushes your buttons.

She's 10! You've got a way to go until she's 18 and out. Get a thicker skin and continue to treat her well and not play her games.

Please stop writing run-on sentences when you come on to this site to ask questions. Your post is very hard to read.

Considering your other question where you and your husband are fighting about something so trivial as shaving her legs, you can't expect there to be no drama when you are part of creating drama yourself. She is 10 years old. She's not an adult. Stop expecting her to act like one. Kids play games because they learn to.

So what if the ex says that it must be nice to have all this extra time? Ignore it. If the child actually tells you that her mother said these things, tell her "There's no reason for you to tell me what your mother says about me. Let's talk about something else." When you stop being a party to this kind of stuff, she will stop doing it. If your husband ignores the comments his ex makes, he will be a lot happier. And you don't need to be taking her calls.

Everyone here is correct when they remind you that you're the step-mom. You aren't the mother. Stop trying to be. You need to require that your husband step up and be the one who manages his daughter.

How oh how could you show your STEP daughter that drama isn't the answer?
Think
Think
Think
OH I KNOW!!! Stop being dramatic!
Some woman yells at my daughter and hurts her feelings then I am probably going to call and "flex my muscles" as her mom. It MUST be nice to have extra time to spend with her daughter. Bet she wishes she could have some time too. How do YOU know what routine is like at her biological mother's house? Do you live there? Or are you taking the word of a 10 year old?
I mean, really. Let's act like adults. Adults who purport to care about this child. As I said on your other post...back off. You are the step mother to a child who comes and sees you on the weekends. She has a mom. THE ONLY WAY you are going to make this better...because you and your husband and the biological mom are the ones that control this...is by ALL acting like adults.
I get it. Divorce, separation, shared custody. It sucks. But you know what sucks more? When adults can't get their sh!t together and act like adults.

You can't let her get to you. You really can't. You have to find a mantra. "It really is nice that I had some free time and was able to spend the day with you. I hope we can do it again soon." "I'm sure it's nice to live in a house where you don't have to do chores, but we have different rules here. Every place has different rules just like school, Grandma's house, friends houses, church, softball, etc."

You guys have to not react, which probably means your husband has to not react. Her mom is allowed to and should have some say over how things go. She and your husband do need to co-parent. But you can't just at everything. You can't allow her to upset you and react.

You are not the mother, these issues are between her and the father. But yes, you will start to encounter behavioral issues at this age, and it will only get worse as she turns into a teen, it would be nice if the parents could get on the same page and learn to be civil with each other and back each other up better. I would suggest having your husband sit down and while respecting that SHE is the mother, see what the two of them can work out for better communication and agreement.

Discussions about visitation ("oh well kiddo it's how things are", her mother says she doesn't have to go to your house, etc) should be handled by her father, between her father and mother, you should stay out of that.

Well, I don't have experience with blended families, but your SD sounds like a typical 10 year old. My husband and I have two kids together, and they try to use us against each other ... and we're married to each other!

You can't control or change how her mother acts or behaves. You can't even control or change how your husband behaves (I mean, what wife doesn't want that power from time to time?).

The only person you can control is you. So, how can you respond better? What can you do to show your SD that drama is not going to help her "get her way?" What can you do to show Mom that her drama is not going to affect you?

It does sound like it would be a really good idea for you and your husband to talk about this and come up with a plan together. All parents do better if they let their kids know in no uncertain terms that the parents are a team and they are not going to win by going to the other parent. United front! Of course, you have the added burden of a blended family. While you and your husband need to be on the same page, as much as possible, your husband and your SD's mom need to be on the same page. They are the ones who need to co-parent. But you need to do your best to support your husband and not give in to the drama.

Well, #1 she's not your daughter. No matter how much you think she is, she is not your child. She is your step child and even though you sound like it's a good relationship, her mother is her mother and she should always come first. Not you.

#2. Her mom is supposed to take her side. She's her mom. This girl isn't playing games, she is supporting her mom. She should be doing this. You and her dad need to work on the relationship between all of you. Her mom needs to be included in as many decisions as possible.

Here's what's going to happen, this girl is going to wake up one day and be tired of living with you and her dad and she's going to go to her mom's and never come home. When a child gets over 8 years of age, in some states it's higher, and she will go to the judge and tell them she wants to live with her mom. So they will grant this and then you and her dad are going to be the ones trying to get her to come over to visit. But she won't go for it at all.

Sounds like the daughter is growing up to be quite the manipulator.
Maybe her dad can have her check her phone while she's at his house.
Total attachment to her mom (through technology) even while she's at your house is a bit over the top.
When she's at Mom's - you and Hubby don't bother her when she's there - and when she's at your house - her mom shouldn't bother her either.
You've got 10 more years until she's 18 - it could be a bumpy ride.