Optimism or Realism?

I think mental illness is a completely different topic than the question of optimism vs. realism, and neither optimism nor realism leads to mental illness.

But on the subject of the two types of parenting, I believe in a mix, with a slight sway towards realism. This recent graduation speech at Wellesley High is some of the best advice for young people I have ever heard. The theme is "You are not special."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lfxYhtf8o4

Moderation in all things has seemed to me to be a safe AND rewarding way to live. Even the healthiest things (think water, oxygen, love) become smothering or destructive in excess. Optimism and reality both enhance our lives, when kept in balance.

On praise – it's good, and needed in moderate amounts. But it goes seriously off-track if lavished on a child for everything and nothing. Children raised this way can either stop believing what their parents are telling them, or suck it all up and think they can do no wrong. Rude awakenings await.

This link explains in depth: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

First, I think there's a difference between mental illness and getting the cold slap of reality, which is sometimes what happens with the 'delusions of grandeur' parenting you describe.

That said, the delusions of grandeur parenting is also a hallmark of narcissistic parents. They impose their desire for success on their children so it reflects back positively on themselves. (Their children are not their own persons, but an extension of the narcissistic parent's self.) To be very clear, too -- I am *not* saying your FIL was a narcissist, this is just an observation. However, if he was, children of narcissistic parents do struggle a lot as adults.

Getting to the other end of things-- there's a good book available called The Self-Esteem Trap, which discusses the problems with the parenting-trend of "you can do anything, you are special". And yes, being raised with parents who do not introduce some reality into those discussions of the child's future potential can really mess a kid up too. Mindlessly being a child's cheerleader is not the same as being supportive and celebrating their accomplishments -- and then giving them gentle encouragement to move forward toward their reasonable, achievable goals.

I think you have a very good awareness of the differences. And you will do your best to keep them safe, knowing the difference.

If you are concerned about the possibility of mental illness affecting your children, this is probably something to discuss with a professional. I don't think most of us are 'trained' to give you the information you are seeking. Balanced parenting certainly puts our kids at a better advantage. I'd talk to a pro about what sorts of things which might be an indicator of mental illness-- overall, though, I think a grounded approach to encouraging a child-- really assessing where their talents are and discussing effort and practice and discipline is better than 'pie in the sky-- golden child' parenting.

I have Bipolar Disorder along with some other issues. Both of my children are perfectly normal, successful adults. I really do not worry about them having my disorders because they seemed to turn out to be perfectly fine. I don't believe in giving kids false praise in order to try to inflate their self-esteem. Kids need to be supported and nurtured for what their natural talents are. I always encouraged my children to do their best doing whatever they did. Sometimes a "You can do it" is necessary when kids lose confidence. I treated my students the same way while I was a teacher.

I'm a realistic optimist. :)

I expect my kids to succeed in everything they try until it is proven beyond doubt they are not capable of it.

I don't think I have ever told my children that they are exceptional, I suppose that is one of the reasons they are. It is kind of funny when you look at my two adult children as children. I didn't realize it at the time but they were pushing themselves like crazy to be better at everything because they wanted the same praise their friends always got from their parents.

It is kind of crazy when you look at the big picture. There is this faction of parents that would say how awful it was that I raised these two children desperate for praise that they only got when they were exceptional. Yet this same faction looks at them as adults, strong leaders with amazing self esteem and wonder why their kids turned out less than when they lavished so much praise on them.

Just something to think about. I didn't mean to be a mean mom but looking back I am glad I did.

Oh, just for the record, all of us, me included, have some form of mental issues. :)

Oh funny side note, my older two say I am too easy on the younger two. :p

Well, I'm going to tell my kid he is wonderful and can be anything - if he WORKS REALLY HARD for it. My husband noticed the trend in self help about desire making things happen, but that's not the case. It's desire plus a buttload of hard work on top of it. Past generations knew this. I think the recent generations (mine included) want a quicker fix. Like in Happy Feet 2 - a character says "If you want it, will it. If you will it, it will be yours." - that is NOT true - if you will it AND work for it, it will be yours - if you are really capable of it.- i.e. penguins can't fly, and no amount of flapping will make it happen, but strategizing alternatives to flying to get out of a situation will make something happen. Willing won't do it alone. That is a message I want my child to learn.

Mental Illness is not created - it is wired in their dna.

What does the doctor who gave you the anti-depressants say? Does he or she think that mental illness comes down through family? What type of mental illness? Depression (like yours?) Nervous breakdowns (what was that caused from?)

You would first need to know your husband's family's diagnoses, and understand that your depression is also a factor. Two parents with some issues probably up's the probablility.

I would get your doctor to refer you to a counselor so that you can talk through this and figure out how best to handle your kids, considering that you are worried about this issue. It certainly won't hurt, and perhaps you can mitigate it from early on.

Good luck,
Dawn

I'm a realist married to an optimist. I need that a lot, and I love him so much. But sometimes he's an idiot! ;) Hes very successful & a hard worker though. And he's smart too....Sorry that doesn't really answer your question. I'll raise my kids to be smart about things, but also to believe anything is possible...if you are smart about it....

I encourage and support and CHEER them on, but if they ask me, "Can I be president" it is a 'yes, if you work really, really hard and that is how you think you can make a difference."
no gradure, I pull the curtain back to let my kiddos know what it takes to get to where they think they want (I mean, honestly they are 8 and 5 so withing reason LOL).
I also am sure to let them know that very few people acheive some lucritive jobs (ie race car driver) But since one wants to be a paleontologist, I can easilty encourage that :)
So, perhaps I straddle the fence. However, I am not sure if encouragement and how it is delivered can result in mental illness. Antisocial behavior, oddity, perhaps. . .but I'm not a psychologist.

I have a much younger half sister who has a lot of mental problems. She has been diagnosed with OCD and ADHD, but if you meet her you can tell theres a lot more than that going on. My mother and stepfather refuse to acknowledge theres anything wrong. Last I heard she was attending college, which they were paying for, and my mother was 'helping' her with all her schoolwork. Basically they were doing it for her, she was still not doing well in school and was failing many of her classes. My mother kept talking about when my sister was going to go to graduate school and that she was going to be a child psychologist. (keep in mind she isnt even allowed to pick up my dd since she held her over the stove and almost burned her) She us unable to hold a normal conversation with another adult and has no real understanding of social norms or appropriate behaviors. I am all for encouraging your children to reach for their dreams but what they are doing to her is really cruel. The goals they are setting for her are things she could NEVER achieve. They are not realistic with her limitations or problems. I think its really mean.
With my kids I plan to encourage them to try their hardest at everything. But not everyone is good at everything, sometimes its okay to admit what you are and are not capable of. For example, my dd is in gymnastics, she has been since she was 18 months old. She has not improved, babies in diapers are able to do more than her... so Im not going to encourage her to pursue the Olympics, lol.

I've always been more of a realist with a sprinkle of optimism. I think the optimism is more appropriate at younger ages then I move to more of a realism approach, if you work hard you can usually achieve what your goals are. My kids are 15, 13 and 8. I've just moved to more of a realism approach with the 8 year old and he's doing ok with it. My 15 year old responded well to it, she is motivated and works hard to achieve her goals. My 13 year old has not responded at all to it. Now I have been their full time "mom" since they were 3 and 4, but am not their biological mom. She lost custody ages ago and for many years only saw them an hour a week, and now does not see them at all. She has bi-polar disorder. There is quite a range of functionality with people diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Their mother is not completely disabled, but is unstable, never being able to hold a job or an apartment for more than a year. She is also grandiose which is part of the illness. I thought for sure that nurture would make a big difference. I know my dtr is only 13, but right now I'd say I was dead wrong. Although my dtr has been raised drastically different than her biological mother was, she exhibits the same traits, feels she's entitled to things she hasn't earned, wants to praised for the most minute of things, blames others for her problems/mistakes instead of being accountable for herself. I'm sure that there are environments that will negatively affect someone who might be pre-disposed to something, but there are times when it is just in your genetics and no matter how good or bad the environment is, the traits will develop. It's no different than my son inheriting asthma from me, my dtr inherited mental illness from her mother. Now, unlike her mother, she began getting help at the age of 12 and in the end I hope it is this that will make a difference in her life, but I realize now there is no guarantee. Just know the signs to look for and trust your instincts if you feel your kid needs help as they get older, then get it for them.