Opinions...My Mom Lives with Us, Sometimes We Butt Heads...

Well this may sound so mean, but the thing is you and your husband are in authority of your home and your children. I think you might just have to take this case by case. If you don't want the kids to have sweets before dinner then I believe you just have to tell her point blank, "Don't give the kids sweets before dinner." Accept no objections. When she asks who you were talking to, just don't give the report, say "a friend" You don't owe mom an explanation about your life because she is living in your home and has to play by your rules. You are not responsible for your mom's decisions either. If she doesn't like the way you run things, she is free to go and of course you guys will be there to support and love her no matter what decision she makes. Now having her there as a support, valuing her counsel, showing her that her opinion counts by asking questions and really considering the advice she gives is all great and totally necessary. Putting a vase of roses in her room occasionally to remind her how much you love her and that her presence in your home is a blessing is great, but letting her run the show and oppose you in your home is not a good thing in my opinion. Those kids are your responsibility and you are the one in charge of raising them. I know my mom and my Grandma actually had some of these issues growing up and I ended up resenting my Grandma because I could sense my mom's frustration. I really thought they just didn't like each other and I took my mom's side so I missed some years of really enjoying my Grandma. We eventually worked all this out, but I think it is best if just avoided all together. So I think it is time to put your foot down. You don't owe your mom an explanation for your time, outings, phone calls etc. You certainly do not have to put up with criticism about your parenting. If you don't put a stop to this, your relationship with your mom could be damaged and that is not an outcome either of you want I am sure. Tell her you love her, do whatever you can to make her feel appreciated and welcomed, but take your house and kids back! Her choices are her responsibility, but always let her know that you love her dearly and want the best for her and for your family. Best wishes and hang in there:)

BLESS YOUR HEART! You are a better daughter than me. I will send you strength, good thoughts and patience.

It is very difficult to have two women/ mothers living together in one house. It also sounds pretty crowded with 8 people. I once read that parents in general, still see their children the age they were when they left their childhood homes.. My mother jokes with us, we "are never too old to be spanked"...

I think you are doing great so far. I am sure you have spoken to her about the things that bug you and I also believe she heard you, but does not think you are serious.

Sell her home. It is costing her money to just have it sit there. It is also a liability to have an empty house with no one caring or protecting it. Call an agent and have them go by and do an appraisal. Then make a plan with your mom to design a small living space onto your existing home or build a garage type apartment, so you can each have your own privacy. I would also encourage mom to attend church or a group of people her age. It can be a book club a volunteer group, but something with people her own age. She needs her own life as well as being part of yours.

When she asks you all of those questions, I am guessing, she really does not care, she is just interested in what you are doing because she wants conversation that is not just the household. I know you feel she is all up in "your business", but I am sure she would do well to have
"her own business" going on...

Does she have a good friend that she would like to visit, to travel with? I would take some of her profits from her home and have her dash off for a while.. She deserves it and so do you...

My mother did this to me, and she didn't live in the house with us. My mother is the same way. It's all or nothing. Either I let her have all the power or else she won't speak to me. She's the same way with my sister.

I truly hope you can find a way to take care of this without having to go the route I did. But I have almost completely cut my mother off. I now talk to her maybe once every two weeks. I'm actually much happier since I've gotten her out of my business. My children are getting back to the way they used to be, and things at home are running much smoother.

Wow, mom's can be challenging. I think in a calm way, you should tell your mom that some minor things need to change in order for this situation to continue to work. That lessens the pressure. Is it possible for hubby to watch the kids so you and mom could go out to lunch and discuss? I know it's hard, and sadly, mothers can manipulate us the way no one else can. It is your house and your children. You make the rules. If she can't adapt or at least compromise, then she needs to go.. I wouldn't say it that harshly to her, but that's the bottom line. God entrusted those kiddos to you and your hubby... Make sure she knows how much you hope things can be fixed...

In addition to Jen Bs response. You are a grown up with children and your home: time to draw the lines - one little issue at a time. Start by -privately- making a list of your necessary boundaries. Perhaps it's time for a key lock on your master suite to ensure that boundary. In my life, I have found that when I write down the end-goal, the little bridges toward getting there become more apparent.

My (impossible) Mom lived with me for a short time. She has no boundaries. In the end my solution was regular 'house' meetings, a list of house rules posted on the frig, a key lock on the master suite, and when she still was problematic toward my son (my priority), a very rude and forceful ejection from my home.

Ejection was my last resort and took yrs to heal, so I hope you are able to avoid it.

can you build an annexe, or an extension on your house so that you are separate but still close?
i just think it is too much to live with another adult female in the same house, you will always have an undercurrent of one upmanship, even if its your own mother.
i live next door to my mother in law, who is 71, she is a great help to me, and i to her, but i am so glad we are not in the same house, it would drive me crazy after a while - people usually mean well, but this is your time to raise your children. she also tries to give me parenting "hints" most days, and thinks she knows best because of her age etc, she does have very good advice though most of the time, so i do listen and take what she says on board.

my mother in law also asks me where i have been, and where i am going, my stock answer is shopping, and i leave it at that. i think most of the time she is just asking out of courtesy and conversation, so she doesnt really care what the answer is lol.

bottom line, i could not live with any other adult female, but i can live next door, and this is the way to go for you - have your space, but the closeness also.

i dont see how selling her house can be that much of a problem, i mean you can use an agent, and have someone move/sell her stuff, people do estate sales all the time. nag her like she nags you lol

I am in the same situation. My mom is in her 70's and lives with us. I decided a long time ago, that she is right, about everything. I don't argue with her. I don't want to set the example to my kids that they can argue with me. I take my anxiety medication and pray alot! I got a part time job as well so I can get away from her for a little while because I need the break. Don't argue with your mother. Go along with it, you never know how long she'll be around. I have six siblings that are combative and arguementative with my mom and she is so hurt when they argue with her. I look at it this way, her help way out weighs her mishaps. I hope this helps you feel better. Good luck.