Do you feel that it is OK for a step-child to call their step-parent "mommy" or "daddy" even though they still have both biological parents active in their lives?
My ex doesn't think it’s OK and I don't see a problem with it. In the ex's opinion it is disturbing, inappropriate and wrong (he also despises my current husband). My ex tells our daughter that every time she calls her step-father "daddy" it rips a little piece of his heart out. I feel that's inappropriate!
My daughter started calling my husband "daddy" all on her own when her sister (baby with current husband) was born and we've never discourage it. Her father would like us to start "correcting" her and have her call her step-father by his first name even though she's been calling him daddy for almost 3yrs. The ex feels that it's confusing her to call her step "daddy"...I feel that it would be confusing for her to now be "corrected" not to mention confusing for her little sister. I’ve explained to her just yesterday that she can call her step-father by name or “daddy.” So far she’s chosen to call him “daddy”.
What are your thoughts and/or experiences?
***Edit:
My ex-husband and I do not get along at all. It was a bad marriage and he is a very angry & bitter person. I would try to "work something out" but he's not open to compromise.
If the ex were to remarry I would be fine with our daughter calling her step-mother "mom" or "mommy" if this is what she was confortable with. She's a sweet little girl. All I'd hope for is that if this "new mom" entered her life she'd treat her well and make her happy. I can only accept the things in my life and this would be no different.
Wow, thats hard. I guess as long as you are ok with her calling his new girlfriend and/or wife "mommy"
Personally, I would not like it. It would upset me if my daughter called someone else Mommy - even if it was her step mother.
Maybe...discuss it with her dad and come up with a compromise of some sort.
Best of luck to you. Divorces are hard for kids anyway.. Kudos for asking & getting advice.
I have a mixed family also. I have a stepson, two daughters of my own and a son that my husband and I share. My stepson because he was older calls my by my name (his choice) but occasionally he will call me mom. (his mom although is deceased but does have a family member that he saw as mom before me)
My daughters (15 and 12) have chosen on their own to call my husband daddy. He is the one that has been there for them and who has been raising them. They chose on their own to call there biofather daddy duncan. (his middle name) I guess they figured it was easier for everyone that knows them to know who they are talking about. My ex I think he just learned to live with it.
I do not believe that kids should be forced to call a step-parent Step..... They should know when they are able to understand that so and so is their step parent but that should be only be informative not drilled into their head.
Your daughter is not saying daddy to your husband to make her dad feel bad. Even though, he probably is feeling that way. She is just simply calling the person that is always there caring for her daddy.
I am not sure if you understand or if this helps.
Dear L.,
It is very painful for an "ex" to have his child call another man "Daddy" especially when the break-up was not amicable.
My answer as a Mom:
When we became a family, I asked my 8-year-old step-daughter to make up a name for me that felt right to her. I was very aware that her Mom and Dad had an unhappy ending and that her mother would have extreme pain if she were to call me Mom.
Nicky dubbed me Jaina-Mama or sometimes S-Mom. "S" is for "Soul Mom" not "Step-Mom." I explained to her that a Soul Mom is an extra adult who loves you like their own blood child. She liked that.
My answer as a counselor:
1) If your "ex" relationship is not like a Bruce Willis-Demi Moore-Ashton Kutcher relationship...END CONTACT. Do NOT poke at the bear! You couldn't change him when you were married...you can't change him now. You MUST only have a 3rd, neutral-party relate communications. Do "drop offs" only...no "pick ups" for visitation and DO NOT GO UP TO HIS DOOR!
2) It is no longer your business what he says or does...that ended when you divorced. It's horribly hard when he's saying rotten things to your child but, you picked their father and now you are experiencing the consequences of that chioce. Yuk.
3) Realize that you got the cherry on top and the white pickett fence...he's alone (by his own doing...but none-the-less) you can afford to be magnanomous and compassionate. You got the loving husband and the adorable new baby, plus your sweet girl who loves her new step-daddy.
4) Let your daughter know that Mommy needs a little "time out" from hearing about Daddy and that your daughter will be able to talk to a counselor about any issues. I always explain to my child-clients that having a counselor is like having an automatic best-friend who you can tell anything to.
5) Stay OUT of the "Drama Triangles" with your ex. A Drama Traingle is...Victim, Rescuer, Persecuter.
If you are still involved with drama caused by your ex, you never left the old relationship and you are in a 3-way with your new husband and your old one. Yuk. This is extremely unhealthy and is NOT fixable. End contact..did I stress that enough? End contact.
Alright, that's my 2-cents. Good luck my Dear. It's going to take a lot of courage and strong, healthy loving boundaries to turn this big train around...but you can do it! :-)
XXOO, J.
I have a step dad and both parents in my life. My step dad -my dad- has been through thick and thin with my mom and me. He means the world to me and i am proud to call him my dad. I was never forced and therefore givn a choice. I would not call him by any other name. Ur x just needs 2 back off some thats ur daughter to so u also have say in what goes on. As long as the step dad treats her as one of his own and nicely then whats the harm? It just means that she has more love in her life other ppl are missing out on what she has. Embrace it and let her soak it up. Some kids dont have 1 parent to love them much less 3!
