One Year Old Having Tough Time Adjusting to Daycare

Hi J. - I feel for you, I really do. It must be SO hard to be a single parent and try to help your son adjust to all this change. It is a lot of change at once, you are right! I am a working mom of two (I'm a teacher so thankfully I have the summer off), so my advice to you is coming from the perspective of someone who HAS to work to help support my family. This may not be the most heartwarming, popular response, but life isn't always easy - my advice is to listen to them and try to accomodate on most of their wishes. I have a 13-month old, and I am worried about the nap thing too, since our day care also has kids over 1 year in the toddler room with one nap a day after lunch. Right now my youngest sleeps in the morning many days, so we are trying to break her of that and transition to one nap after lunch by keeping her busy and playful in the morning. She has done it before so we just have to be more vigilant about it. I don't know how many months over 1 your son is, but with my oldest, she did switch to one nap around 13 months and was fine. As far as the sippy cup, try giving him the cup at the times he'd be in day care, and just give him a bottle right before bed or first thing in the morning to wean him off. Day care or not, I actually think this is the right age for kids to get off the bottle, for the most part. But like you said, it IS a lot of change, so if he doesn't make the switch right away, just tell the teachers you are trying and that's the best you can do! They should understand that! The same goes for the fork and spoon, which is a pretty interesting request, in my opinion! Give it a try at home and it should carry over into day care as well. Again, try your best, but if he eats with his fingers still, there's nothing so awful about that... they should know you are trying and be happy with that. Pick your battles - I think the nap is very important, and his sense of happiness and well-being, and the rest is a process. As far as the mat goes, I am not looking forward to my youngest doing that because I know she's going to want to wander off, so I hear you!! I'd bring in a blanket from home that smells like you, and a toy from his crib too. Maybe that will help keep him on the mat and help him get the rest he needs. Some kids like pillows too.

It's understandable that your son is clingy and a little melancholy right now, the poor thing. I think that will just take time and a lot of TLC from you when you are with him. Hopefully he feels close to one teacher and can stick with him or her for a good part of the day. Their job is to help him feel part of the group and keep him playing and involved, but they also have to tell you the good, bad, and ugly, not necessarily because they expect you to change it immediately. My husband and I often say that out girls' teachers tend to mention EVERY little thing, and it can be annoying, but they have to do their job, so try to take it in stride. You have to work together with them as a unit for the well-being of your son. I know how hard this is, because you want to be with him, you wonder how he is every second, and then there is that ever-present guilt you feel. But I am telling you as someone who has been/is going through it - you are not a bad mother for working, and day care is not the root of all evil as some would like us to believe! We should be supportive of each other as moms doing the best we can for our kids, and if that means working, so be it. You do what you have to do, period. The rest will fall into place with effort and love. Your son will not suffer long-term damage from this! He will adjust and he will make plenty of friends in day care, have great experiences, and learn how to be part of a group, all lifelong lessons. I hope this helps... feel free to contact me if you need any more advice (I've gone on long enough!! :) ). Good luck!

Dear J.,

My heart goes out to you and your son. I can understand how hard this change must be for both of you. I am a former infant/toddler teacher,and am currently a nanny.
One thing I can tell you from my experience,is that it can take up to a month for a little one to adjust to a new childcare center or person. Your son is at an age when separation anxiety is common,and this can make adjusting to any change, or new situation more difficult- especially if it means time apart from you. This is usually nothing to worry about and passes in time with patience and support from the caregivers.
BUT, I am very,very concerned and disturbed about what you are describing in terms of the childcare and the demands the teachers are making on you and your son. Any good center or teacher should be aware of how difficult it is for a one year old to adjust to childcare, and should offer lots of support to both you and your child. The center and the teachers should do everything in their power to maintain your child's usual schedule and habits,and should take the cue from your son as to when he is ready to give up his bottle, change from two naps to one, or start eating with a spoon.
The demands they are making are unreasonable and disrespectful to your child. Both of you have enough to cope with right now,just adjusting to this change.Please, please listen to your gut feeling,and to your little boy's distress,and find a new center for your child as soon as possible.
If you need help doing this,contact me by e-mail,and I will do everything in my power to help you.I feel very strongly that all young children and their working parents deserve the best care and most support possible.
Let me repeat: When you are paying for childcare, you and your child deserve to be treated with respect, kindness,and support,and to have your needs met. Childcare centers exist ( or should exist) to meet your needs,and to give you peace of mind that your child is being well cared for and having his needs met while you are working.
Teachers should help children to learn new skills and grow when the CHILD indicates readiness. Children should NOT EVER (especially when they are only a year old),be pushed or expected to change to make things easier for the caregivers.
Wishing you the very best, L. S.

hi, you might want to consider looking around to another day care or at home day care. an at home daycare that is properly liscesed by the state will allow him time to adjust. ie the exra nap,the bottle, helping with fine motor skils like spoon/fork eating. its completely normal for a 1 yr old to do that, esp in a new enviroment. i am a mom of 5 and also have worked in a daycare setting. in our todler rooms, we have never pushed like that, ep if the child has never been to daycare. talk to he director. ask if you can ease him into those transistions. he will feel intimidated by the other kids esp if they have been there a long time. you could suggest that he get used to 1 caregiver there usually in the am, that can help him adjust in the beginning of his day. a gd daycare will help the child. you are right, these are alot of changes all at once. just wondering, how is the staff with him? do they make it seem like he is a daily burden or do they make an effort to help him trasistion/ maybe you can stay a little while in the am or pm to see how he intereacts with tem. also, drop by for a "surprise" visit in am & pm. see what you son is ding during that time. although i really recommend on looking for a place that will make you feel more comfortable, not stressed when you are at work. i hope this helps
B.

My son is also one year old and just starting daycare. We started him out two days last week (because he already got sick!) and three days this week to transition him to full-time next week. He takes one long nap, uses fingers to eat and prefers his bottle as well. Our daycare has been very supportive and is working around his schedule. I visited about 6 other daycare centers that had that same philosophy - please feel free to email me and I would be more than happy to give you the names of the daycare centers, etc.

Peace of mind has no price - I'd consider another daycare or home caregiver.

I too am a single mom - of an 18 mo little girl. I had my daughter in a daycare that sounds similar to yours. First of all most kids do not drop their morning nap until 15 mos at the earliest. So it is unreasonable that they have requested this from you. Most kids drop it between 18 mos and 2 yrs (I believe). This day care bothers me a little. He has only been there one week! and I am assuming he had never been in day care before - right? So it is ridiculous that they expect him to adjust immediately to this. Some day cares prefer children that will sit by themselves and do not need their attention.

My daughter was in a day care like this. I removed her. My daughter needs to be cuddled and loved and given a lot of attention - the day care I used to have her in would say things to me like "she needs too much one on one time for her to be here" - "you might be better off hiring a nanny". I hate that day care. My daughter was at this day care for 3 mos and never adjusted (at 9 mos she was taking one 1/2 hour nap in a 9 hr period) - like I said - I removed her and put her in another daycare that is much better for her and they will hold her all day if necessary. They will hold her hand, hug her and give her kisses as if she was their own child. Its amazing the difference.

I guess what I am saying is that I know you just went back to work but if these people are not willing to work with your son on easing his transition - then the probloem is not you or your son - it is the day care. And you might be better off finding somewhere else ... you can not have you son in a day care while you are at work when you are always stressing about how he is doing, whether or not he is napping, etc.

The first thing I would do is sit down with the director of the facility and see what your options are and go from there. If they are not willing to bend or understand... then you might need to seek an alternative. Good luck and if you want to talk more about this - msg me anytime!!!

If you can try to find a home based daycare. They have a smaller ratio of kids. Its only been a week and if he's never been in a daycare before it is going to take sometime to adjust. They should be helping by keeping the same schedule that he has at home. It sounds to me like they are trying to rush him into to being bigger than what he is so that he will fit in better in the toddler room. I would seriously start searching for a new daycare if they will not properly accomadate his needs.

Hi J.- my heart goes out to you and your son. We just started our 1 yr. old in daycare a couple of days a week because I'm starting a part-time job, so I understand the search for good childcare, etc.

We ended up choosing a home based caregiver for exactly the reasons you are describing- the bigger centers we talked to wanted to put our daughter in the toddler room and have her take her naps on a mat, etc. I just felt like they were pushing her to move to the next steps when she wasn't ready and I wanted her to be able to transition naps, etc. more naturally. I knew our daughter would never go for napping on a mat with a bunch of other kids around. She currently takes two naps a day in her crib in a quiet room at home-

The provider we are using only has a few children in her home. She puts our daughter down in a pack and play, which for me is definitely better than a mat-- While our daughter has had a tough time napping at this woman's house, it is getting better- Today I told her Ava (our daughter) usually sleeps with a fan on for white noise, so she put a fan on... so sweet- all that to say- home providers have more flexibility on being able to do that because they don't usually have so many kids-

I think the bigger centers are great for some kids, especially if they're nap schedules are already condusive...but at this harder age I think you might want to look into something else.