One of Two Children Received a Gift for Christmas

Honestly at this point I don't think it is a big deal. I probably would not have mentioned it to her because it probably just made her feel bad. If it happened next year then I would.

I think it's tacky to send a present for one child and not another. However, I also think it's tacky to ask someone where the rest of the gifts are. A 5 month old doesn't know whether it's getting a present or not. Why make a big deal about it and potentially alienate family?

Hello, I feel for you. I have a 5 and a 6 year old both boys my ex-sister in-law tried that once and only got for the older one. Everyone was ok with us getting pregnate the first time but when I got pregnate the second time and so close together they didn't like that and when I told my ex that I wouldn't have an abortion they all heard about it and they thought I should get one as well because we really weren't ready for the first one let alone a second one. So my ex-sister in-law tried to pretend that I only had one. She sent me one gift one time and I sent it back to her with a note that said I have two kids and maybe she could find a parent with one kid that would like that be able to put that gift to use. She also tried only taking one of my boys to spend the night and my ex couldn't see a problem with that I had to put a stop to that as well. My boys haven't really been seperated but for school and things and I really don't agree with treating one diferent no matter what the age is.

you should find some aloha spirit, be thankful for what your recieve,and be grateful of what you can give to others, and keep on giving..when we stop to measure what we receieve, we stop giving..and anyways who sets up the standards in the first place?? all or nothing?? happy holidays!!aloha

I wouldn't waste another second worrying about it! Bigger fish to fry, as they say.

Let it go! It's not worth it since your sis in law wasn't being malicious.

Hi- I know how that feels. I think you made your point with her on this at this time by asking about the gift and should probably let it go, and see how it goes next time people send gifts. She may really have not meant it and may not have understood the etiquette behind it- many people are clueless. She easily could have sent something, but now may feel embaressed and I am thinking will not forget in the future.

It is a icky feeling to have someone or be left out....

I have to agree with your husband on this one. At 5 months old your daughter has no idea what a gift is, much less can she understand the concept that she's the only one that didn't get one. It doesn't offend her, and she couldn't care less. Once your baby is older, then it would be inappropriate for your sister-in-law to only send one of the kids gift.

Hi W., I understand your feelings, no one wants their child to be left out, on accident or on purpose, from anything. I just wonder, if it was because they didn't know exactly what to get, then that means they did think of her, they just couldn't find an appropriate gift for her. My advice would be for you to just try and see it as them being undecided and so they opted for NO gift. It doesn't sound like they were trying to be mean or to single her out. Family is funny sometimes, we need to make the best of things and try not to complicate them anymore than they need to be. Good luck.

I'm with your husband. I'm sure your relative didn't intend to "snub" your daughter. Wait till next year when it matters before making an issue of it (and even then, it's not much of an issue). Your s-i-l is bound to make up for it next time round.

I understand where you are coming from, but really, your 5 month old won't notice and probably has many toys and things anyway. For the harmony of the family, I'd just be appreciative of the gifts you got and let it go.

I have two children, 4 (girl) and 9(boy).
For years my sister ,who lives in NYC-(AKA shopping mecca)
has been buying my kids wonderful presents for birthdays and holidays-sending them all wrapped with love, Then this year, from my mom's bad advice- she decided that she couldn't deal and was going to send cash instead. Now as all us moms know-
X-mas and Hunnukah responsibilities all fall on us, we do the shopping, the wrapping, most of the deciding what to get for all, and everything else in between for the Holidays.
(And I for one am so glad it is over)
So I called her on this decision and said how special it was to get the kids presents that she picked out and how much that meant to them-even though they were getting so much and were pleased in the end to receive the cash for a little Holiday toy shop to pick out their own stuff.
My husband was very disturbed by this decision on her part.
It showed every lack of effort you could think of. Did she not have time or was it too overwhelming what to get?
She told me that was what she was doing and that we just had to deal with it. So I decided to let it go and not harp on it but in retrospect, I see it as a serious blemish on her auntie record. With all that I have to do and she can't manage to send out a few funky NYC gifts really sux.
So this is not really advice but maybe to just say that I understand those feelings from insensitive behavior by relatives. Sending a little money is okay but making the effort to find something to make a person feel special is really the issue. With all the choices of items to buy, how hard is it to pick out something for a baby, it is so easy, and not that hard for 4 and 9 year-olds either.
Let's hope they wake up for next year-because this sending of money and blowing off buying for the ones we supposedly love doesn't show much love at all.

I have to agree with your hubby. I don't get my neices and nephews gifts until they are older and able to appreciate them. I also prefer people don't get my son gifts at this point (he is 6months old), he doesn't know the dif and it is more stuff i probably don't need anyway. what do you get a baby other than clothes anyway, ends up being a gift more for mom than anyone else really =)

don't feel too upset, i can see how your sister in law was thinking..happy holidays!

I do feel for you. But at 5 months old, they really have no clue what a present is or what holidays are. I wouldn't make it an issue just yet. I have a sister in law who this year bought a birthday present for my daughter who turned 5 but did not buy one for my son who turned 11. I bought birthday gifts for both her boys. My husband was more upset than I was. Some people are who they are and you can't change that. Even for Christmas, the last two years she has bought them Savings Bonds. They looked at them like "what the heck are these?" No other presents, just an envelope with the coupon for the bond. I appreciated the nice thought and left it at that. But in my own mind I was thinking, at least you could have bought them a little $10 gift to open. I would just wait, like most have already responded, she may feel guilty already and maybe waiting for her 1st birthday. Like our family does, we only buy for the children in the family. No adults. It makes things easier and it is more fun for the kids cause all the attention is on them. But at 5 months, it is too young to be interested in opening gifts.

I agree they should have sent one for your daughter as well. If they did not know what to get her that is such a cop out, they could have gotten anything and even if it wasn't perfect its the thought that counts. Clothes, stuffed animal, anything!

HI W.,
I KNOW YOUR FEELING MAY BE HURT, THE ONLY ADVICE I CAN GIVE YOU, IS YOU MUST LEARN TO CHOSE YOUR BATTLES! THIS SEEMS TO BE VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU, AND I DO UNDERSTAND. MANY YEARS AGO I HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCE WITH MY HUSBANDS FAMILY, BUT A VERY WISE MAN(MY DAD)TOLD ME THERE WILL BE MANY MANY THINGS TO FIGHT ABOUT IN FAMILYS(YOURS AND HIS)AND I MUST LEARN TO CHOSE WHAT BATTLE IS WORTH THE FIGHT.
IN MY OPINION, THIS IS NOT WORTH THE FIGHT. THERE ARE THOUSAND OF PEOPLE WHO FEEL BABYS CAN BE OVER LOOKED (FOR A LACK OF A BETTER WORD):) FOR BIRTHDAYS , XMAS, etc... YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SMILE AND GET THROUGH IT. GOD WILL BLESS YOU FOR BEING "THE BIGGER PERSON".

Hi W.,

This isn't going to sound really nice, I'm sorry. 'Just feel obligated to give you an honest opinion and not necessarily one you're going to like. :(

Babies don't know the difference, so you must take responsibility for how -you- feel. I'm going to have to agree with your husband, not a big deal. The excuse of not knowing what to get her may may sound flimsy. But, one never -really- knows what your sister-in-law was thinking. Perhaps, she thought the baby would have enough clothes and toys(?). You never -really- know. Perhaps, your sister-in-law is struggling financially, (regardless of how it may seem from the outside).

Please ask yourself: Is a rift in my relationship with my husband and/or his family worth a small token gift?

Gifts are just that, gifts. I have to say: Be thankful for what you have and put your hands back in your pockets.

Hi W.,

Is it possible that since they live so far away and your baby is still so new that they unintentionally forgot?

Maybe just send a thank you note with a couple extra pics of the new baby and a short letter telling about her 1st christmas.... They'll probably feel really bad that they forgot their new niece and will make up for it on her birthday! :)

If you've always had a good relationship with your brother in law and his family there is no reason to take the missing gift personally... it probably was just an oops!

Hope this helps!

Hello,
I notice you are getting a lot of respondes to this question, but you know what at first I was thinking your daughter is young she will never know, but that isn't the point because my cousin just had her baby in October. It's Christmas I found something to get my little second cousin. This is the time for love right?!! It's the thought that counts and she counts very much to me. I am not sure about holding onto a grudge over it, but it might have just been an over sight on your sister-in-law's part. Go and have a great NEW YEAR!! Just think they will get her something next year!! Oh and for her birthday!!

I do see both sides, with you and your husband, and with the other moms....but agree a little more with your husband. First of all, Christmas has been totally turned around into being all about gifts. I do have a 2 year old son, and I don't expect people to buy my son presents for birthdays or Christmas, even though we've been blessed with people who do, and we've never had to buy clothes for him. With my fiance's nieces and nephews, I wanted to buy giftcards cause they are older, and my husband says that takes the fun out of opening presents. I say that's their parents jobs to do the whole Santa and presents to open deal, and their parents would appreciate anything, and the kids should too. I do agree that babies don't know, and clothes are really for the parents (so they have less to buy in the end.)Honestly, I think it was a little rude for you to even ask her, maybe okay if she was your sister, not your sister in law. You may have embarrased her as well. If she hadn't sent a gift for your son as well, i'm sure you would have thought the same things, right? As long as you treat your kids equally, that's all that matters, because everyone else may not.

Wow I have a similiar story. I have a 10 yr old daughter of my own and then a 10 yr old stepson from my husband. We went to his family event on X-mas Eve and all the kids from my husbands family received a gift but my daughter did not, I was PISSED!! The look on her face as she saw her stepbrother thank his aunt and uncle made me sad. She is a kid and if they do not like me they should not make her feel bad. I felt they were totally disincluding her as being a part of their family. Just thought I'd share, but as for you, you have every right to be upset. I told my husband he needs to tell his family that that is not okay and if he didn't I would.

I honestly do not think a five month old needs a gift. They don't need anything but love from their family and healthy mamma milk. I am sure many people feel the same way. I wouldn't be in such a hurry to make the holiday be all about material things for your children. The gift is life!
I have a two year old and she still didn't really care about her christmas gifts. She loves the boxes and a little tube of lip balm but the rest she hardly noticed. At a young age they just love the family being together.

I would just move on so as not to seem ungrateful for the gifts you did receive. Anything you say will seem contrite and could lead to impossibly hard feelings. I'm sorry you feel as though your daughter was left out but in the grand scheme of things, your husband is right, she won't remember.

I'll be blunt, I would agree if your daughter was older, but she isn't and I don't think it's worth creating family strife over!Isn't this the season of love!?

Hi W.- Happy Holidays. My best advice, when it comes to the doings of in-laws (and even family members!) is to assume that they were coming from the highest of intentions. Not knowing much about your sister-in-law, it's hard to say, but possibilities come to mind: does she have a daughter? With three children, might she have assumed that you are already inundated with baby things? Does she have a hard time in general with materialism at Christmas? Is she in financial straits?
She would be correct in assuming your daughter would feel no slight, and might have overlooked the possibility that the rest of you might notice and take offense. She surely was telling you the truth when you confronted her. If you can get past this one and forget it, you will do your entire family a favor, and hopefully she isn't meanwhile furious over some perceived ingratitude on your part. Sincerely, Ruth in Sacramento

I know you must feel hurt that they didnt remeber her....but remember the baby doesnt know right now. If this happens in the future when the childs knows then I would talk to your family about it. Let this one go and get upset when it really matters.

Hi W.,
I can understand why you're upset. While your SIL not getting your 5mos-old a gift because she didn't know what to get her is pretty lame, I do agree with your husband that your daughter will not know the difference. I know you say that's not the point, but they did send your 5 yr-old a gift, which leads me to believe that your BIL and SIL didn't mean any offense. Did they make an error in judgement? Ya, I think so. But I don't think they meant anything malicious, especially since your husband, who grew up w/ the same "gift rules" as your BIL, doesn't see the problem. For example, my mother's and father's families had totally different takes on gift-giving. I agree with you that either both kids or neither kid should receive a gift, but I can understand why your in-laws broke that rule with w/ a child so young. My advice is not to carry the burden of being upset with their choice. What's done is done, and I it sounds like an innocent mistake/different viewpoint. Carrying hurt and anger over this perceived slight will not lead to anything positive. Objectively, there really is no right answer here; both sides of the debate have merit. Perhaps you can feel good that they cared enough to send your son a gift and accept that you have different perspectives re: a gift for your daughter. Causing strife in your family over this just isn't worth it. If your daughter were old enough to know the difference, I would have a completely different answer, but she's not. Take the high road. It's the holidays after all!

I think you are being a bit sensitive. We have a 4 month old and she didn't get half of the things that our 2 year old did. It's true. They don't need anything, nor do they even know they are getting it. This is all about you, not her. I would let it go. If they don't buy her a gift in the next year or two when she realizes that she is being left out, that would be the time to talk to them about it.

I think that your husband is right! That said, a lot of our family members forget my kids during Christmas, or send unequal gifts. I equalize and tell them that it is from that family member. Basically I cover for them as I am thankfu; for what they send and don't believe it is an "entitlement".

i think you should blow it off now be the bigger person but next year if it happends again send everything back but dont let you son see he will be sad if he didnt get the gift then they will know that it's your whole family or nothing

I know your feelings were probably hurt, but I do not feel that it was meant as a slight. Many people really do not know what to get for a baby who will soon outgrow everything. My advice is to let it go. It is such a small thing. If in a few months it still bothers you, you can broach the subject when it is less raw. Also if your sister-in-law asks what may be appropriate gifts, suggest a savings bond or an item which can later be added to baby's hope chest. Many people do not realize the value of something that can be used later. Good luck! Also it is important to teach your children that getting gifts is not what Christmas is all about. We surprised my 3 sisters, and their families and my mom by showing up for Christmas ( They are a 12 hr drive away) Needless to say there were no gifts under the tree for my 4 kids.(except a few we brought so they would have something to open). Did my kids complain? No. They didn't even care. They knew that the best gift was to BE together. Imagine that! A 15 yr old, 14 yr old, 10 yr old, and 2 yr old knew the TRUE meaning of Christmas.

To deal with it immediately, we would probably either not let her know that any gifts were received OR buy her one and say it was from your in-laws... For the future, our family has agreed to give gifts for the children ONLY and the parents usually let the others know what they think their children would like. Now that our kids are a little older (my son is 12 and my daughter is 9) my son really likes to get gift cards so he can shop on his own and make his own purchases.

If it matters to you, then it matters. You can acknowledge your different traditions and respect them but you can expect the same in return just be clear about what that means ( when you are not feeling emotional about it!) Good luck.

Hi, I have two kids, also 16 mo. apart and I grew up in Hawaii. My daughter is two 1/4 and my son is 1.
This may sound like a stereotype but most people I know in Hawaii have a pretty laid back attitude. I would guess that they did not leave out a gift for your daughter to be mean or hurtful.

My advice would be to let it go. I will admit, since having two kids I am sometimes great at sending out B-day gifts, X-mas gifts, etc. to Hawaii (my family is still there) and at other times I totally flake. My family knows that this is not to be malicious, and that I don't love them any less if one year it's a card, and the next it's a ton of gifts!

My ex-husband's family did that to me all the time - now we don't get presents at all. I would secretly open the gifts before anyone knew they had come and make sure that everyone had an equal amount of gifts - changed the wrapping or tags if I had to. Sounds a bit silly on my part, but I got sick of them always leaving one of my daughter's out - they would send 5 gifts for one child and none for the other.

Iwas in the same situation this year. My 5 and 3 year olds received a gift but my 9 month did not. I don't think it is a big deal especially since a 5 and 9 month old don't know any better. Now if your 21 month old did not receive a gift and your 5 month old did then that would be something different.Anyways, just be thankful that you even received gifts.I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

I know exactly how you feel! I have had people do that to my children too. The one time it does not bother me is when their Godparents by the Godchild a gift and not the sibling, other than that if a relative is going to give a Christmas gift to one child, the other should be treated the same. Five months or not! I am sure your younger child could have used a new little toy or blankie! I give you kuds for saying something, I usually keep my mouth closed, which I regret! One of my husband's cousins always stops by with something for my son and nothing for my daughter, they are 6 and 4. Needless to say my four year old always gets her feelings hurt. I on the otherhand would never take anything to one of their children without something for the other two. I guess not everyone thinks as we do! I AGREE with you! Good luck!

I think there is a big difference between some of the responses which were stories of older children being forgotten and/or snubbed but in your case it sounds like your SIL did think of the 5 month old but wasn't sure what to get. I have a 2-1/2 year old and a 6 month old. A lot of people assumed that we had lots of baby toys from the first one and they didn't want to just buy us/him more "stuff." My MIL got him some clothes that were too small and I think that was it from the IL side. My mom got him some cute little board books and a toy which was nice (and which my 2-1/2 year old has already commandeered). It is different with the second child because with the first everyone is so excited and they want to buy every little thing but with the second that same "newness" and excitement isn't there for relatives and friends. They love the second one just as much but its just a different situation. To me I think it is super easy to figure out what to get a 5 month old and I had a blast buying some fun new stuff for my 6 month old but I am more in tune with what babies like and what toys are out there than maybe someone who doesn't have kids or who has older kids. Anyway, if it were me I'd let it go for everyone's sake and preserve the relationship with your SIL.

Hi W.,

While I am sure that your SIL did not mean to slight your daughter, thats exactly what she did. She could have sent a gift card or check along with a note stating that they were not sure where she was size, developmentally, etc. and to please find something useful and appropriate for her. Not ackonwledging her at all is wrong. Good for you for confronting her, I am sure many here would not have done that and just let it brew. See how it goes next year and maybe call a month or so ahead of time and let them know some of her interests and likes and sizes so that they have no more excuses. I am suprised by how many similar posts I have seen here and on other groups about this same issue. Its really kind of sad. I personally would rather not get a gift and just have my son get something. He is nearly three and its important to him. Good luck and dont dwell on it this year. If it happens again next year then speak out and say that no gifts are accepted unless both children are receiving.