On the Fence--again

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you will go through this battle until the day you are well past child bearing years. I am 45 years old and my husband won't touch me with a 10 foot pole because I am a pregnancy magnent. Every month I am fine with my age and know I don't want kids. That is, until I get within a few days of ovulation. Then the longings and the dreams set in. I'm just happy to pass that time of the month.

It's really hard and honestly, I go through the same thing, except having another baby isn't even really an option for us, because of medical issues on my part (I had problems with blood clots after my daughter was born and I've been told that if I became pregnant again, between that and my age, I would be in the "high risk" category, and we've decided it's not worth the risk). Most of the time I am fine with it, since we had already decided for all the typical reasons that we weren't going to have more, but now our daughter (who is 4) is noticing all her friends have baby brothers and sisters, and she LOVES babies and thinks she wants me to have another baby too. And I feel so torn, because part of me wishes she could have a full sibling and I know she would be a fabulous helpful big sister. And it would be easier for me to have another one now rather than when DD was 2, since DD is now doing preschool, she's more self-sufficient, she's potty-trained, etc. But then I also am happy that, thinking back on the hardest things about babies (waking up at night, needing diapers changed, the toddler years, etc.), I am NOT going through that again!

Point being is, I think what you are going through is very normal. If you say you are depressed, or having feelings of depression, then you need to address that with your doctor, because I suspect that many women try to deal with their depression by having more babies. I'm not saying that's what you are doing, but for some moms, having another baby becomes their way of coping, because they always have another baby to look forward to, rather than dealing with their depression head-on and treating it appropriately.

You didn't mention your age, but to me having kids that close together would NOT work for me. You can always give it another couple of years and see how you feel. You can also always decide to adopt. That would be an option for us if we really wanted to, but unfortunately, DH isn't as on board with the idea as I am - but I'm okay with that.

ETA: After reading about some the things you added, I just wanted to say a couple of things myself. 1. Sometimes depression is NOT something you can just "snap out of" - sometimes it's a true chemical imbalance and medication really does wonders, so personally, for what it's worth, I wouldn't be so apt to dismiss it. I don't doubt some of it could be hormonal as well - I get the same way. 2. I know a lot pf people that had babies at 40, and beyond, and while they don't at all regret it, the one thing that they've all said was that they didn't realize how tired they would be at their age, trying to keep up with the little ones. It's one thing to be 33 with a 3 year old, another to be 43. I am going to be 40 next year and again, that's one of the big reasons I am not interested in having another. 3. Like others have said, having issues with depression is not the time to making such huge life-altering decisions like having another baby. And if finances would be that tight, you need to consider what your kids that you have now would possibly go without because there is another sibling to take care.

As someone who suffers from depression, my advice is to not make any major decisions like this until you're no longer depressed. If this is just a passing thing for you, wait until then. But if you've been depressed for several weeks, you may want to discuss it with your doctor. A medication may be what you need. I've been on Wellbutrin and it makes all the difference in the world :)

My other thought is that it doesn't have to be now or never. You have your hands full with 2 little ones right now. In a couple of years, you'd have one in kindergarten and potentially one in pre-school. It's a lot easier when the siblings are bigger. They're old enough to help and old enough to entertain themselves.

Best wishes with whatever you decide!!! =o)

I go throught this myself over and over again. Until now, we couldn't financially afford another child. My son is 7 now, and we do get on that fence from time to time about having another child. For me, it's psychological due to my insecurities and anxieties of being pregnant and going through all of the stuff I had to go through the first time around. I also had an emergency c-section, and am petrified of anything going wrong this time. I know you need faith and belief that everything will go fine, but its a very hard thing to do sometimes. Especially when you had that faith and belief, and something traumatic happens anyways. It's the way life goes, I know that, but its still there.

In your case, you are on the fence of having a third child. You basically have to ask yourself if you can live with a decision regardless, as well as stick with it. You need to make a list of pros and cons, outweigh them both and then see how you feel.

I have always told myself that if I don't have another child by the time I am 35, that I will be fine with not having another one. I say 35, as my son will be 10 that year, and I would love to get back into my field and work full time.

I've also discussed with my husband that if we would want another child, or more that I would always be open towards adoption. I find ,especially working in my field, that their are countless children that are in need of a good home to grow up in. What could be more rewarding then to adopt? That is another option I have given myself.

Oh, I so understand!! I am totally on the fence...usually on the side of not wanting a third...then there are days when another seems such a good idea.

We really can't afford a third...we have medical insurance so it isn't that aspect...it is the paycheck to paycheck life we are living right now with me as a SAHM.

My youngest will start school next year and I can go back to work and replenish our savings account, start the 401Ks back up, save for vacations, oh and that little thing called college.

If we had another...I would be home for another five years, not that I don't love being home, I do and wish I could continue to be even with the kids in school.

Also, I am almost 40...do we want to be in our 60s by the time everyone is out of school?

Argh! I will read your posts with interest. You are not alone!!

I would NOT try for another while being tired, depressed, and stressed about finances. Take care of YOURSELF first and foremost. There is a saying about putting on your own oxygen mask first before putting it on those in your care. You may be nutritionally and emotionally depleted, and probably lacking good sleep.

By the way, about the Wellbutrin suggestion... that is a pretty good, stimulating sort of non-SSRI antidepressant. My daughter was on that for many years, and we thought it would be forever. I was put on it and it just caused me anxiety, but it didn't do that to her. Both of our "Depression" was fixed nutritionally (see www.ItsNotMental.com). Mine was simple, as it was just stress related, but she needed help for her energy.