Oldest Son

Where do you live? I soooooo think we need to get together!! I have 4 children. 18, 16, 11, and 5. The oldest 3 are boys and the youngest is a girl. The 11 yr old and the 5 yr old get along like oil and water. My 11 yr old sounds exactly like you described your 11 yr old. Our problem is that the 11 yr old resents the fact the 5 yr old was born, and has voiced this on numerous occasions. He was the baby for so long and refuses to give up the position. Which leads to an almost every day fight. I have become so stressed out over the events that I no longer recognize myself. I am turning into a resentful and angry person. One that even I can't stand. I need to find a way the two of them can co-exist in harmony. To make matters worse, the 5 yr old completely adores the 11 yr old, so on a daily basis her spirit is being crushed.

R.-- My 11 year old son does the same thing to my 8 year old daughter. I try to catch it early and say "Where or what are YOU suppose to be doing" Like you are just suppose to follow my directions of putting the movie in You are not her mother. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't I think it is just a first born thing. Good Luck M.

Have you ever read the book 1-2-3 Magic? Check it out of the library and read it- it is a quick easy read and worked wonders with my now-17 yr old and is already working with my 2 yr old twins. (yes, one tries to parent the other all the time, but that is a separate thing)- the thing that needs to be addressed now is his "taking his own sweet time" and his disobedience, especially before the other child figures out that you can be walked over/pushed over...
Good luck! Your son, like mine, will soon learn to "hate" (but respond to" "ONE- TWO- THREE" (we go to five with the twins).

I have 7 kids, ages 16, two are 15, 14, 6, 3 and 1. And my oldest are always parenting the younger ones, but that is to be expected if you ask them for thier help, no matter how small the help may be. I do however stay on top of how much "parenting" they do, and always step in when it isn't thier place ie.. punishing them, deciding what they can and can't do, except where it might be harmful. Decide for your family what would be ok and what wouldn't, and set the ground rules.

Know to the "just a second" I do not allow that in my house, if they are in the middle of something they may ask for 5 more minutes and if it isn't done in that time frame they are reprimanded, For example if I ask for the shoes to be picked up and they don't the shoes go in the trash, if I ask you to help with setting the table and it isn't done without me having to ride them, they don't eat dinner, it doesn't take to may times before they get the message. Just remember if they are in the middle of a show, don't ask when it's at the good part wait until the comercial(sp) or warn them during the show that at the comercial you want such and such thing done, if it isn't done during the comercial turn off the T.V.
There is always going to be times were you are going to feel the need to blow your cool, my household is by no means peaceful, the girls either love each other or hate each other and at thier ages they always think they are right, but by having some basic ground rules the amount of time you feel the need to blow your cool can be reduced, sometimes I wish I had " stepford children" and yet I also enjoy the chaos that comes with each individual personality. Don't know if I helpsed any but good luck.

P.S. All my kids loved Narnia includiag the 3 and 6 year olds, it is a fun and sad movie.

In our house it is to the point that we know it is going to happen so we stop our son from even talking! I'll tell my oldest not to do something and my youngest will come bak with "yeah, you shouldn't do that Brandon." But we know he'll do this so as soon as he says Yeah we stop him and say, "We are the parents and will take care of it. Thank You." My oldest has autism so the youngest likes to do things for him and we have to stop him because then the other one won't ever learn. However, I am very firm when asking them to do something, they better do it when I ask or they get a punishment. No computer, tv, no toy, etc...

My kids are 15, 6 & 4--I can totally relate to your problem! My 15 yo is always acting like too much of a parent to the other 2. I try to tell him that, while I do need and appreciate his help sometimes, he is not the one who should punish them. I agree that you have to set rules for what he can and cannot do to "help" with the younger one.

Both of my boys give me the "just a minute" line. I love the suggestions given by the mother of 7 about giving him a time limit to get a chore done and then punishment. I am sure that if they have to dig their shoes out of the garbage can they may think twice next time we ask them to pick them up. (I'm going to try that!)

I guess I didn't really have any new advice, I mainly wanted you to know that you are not alone with these issues!

My 9 year old son is like that. He parents my 3 year old son all the time. He tells him no, and even yells at him sometimes. He also does things in his own sweet time. I dont have any great advice for you. I just keep bugging him until he does whatever it was I told him to do. As far as him parenting my younger son, I havent figured that one out yet. I guess its just an older sibling thing.

It sounds like the real issue is your older son is not a first time responder. You really need to get this under control right away, or your younger son will see what he can get away with too.
The parenting thing is just a side issue, because clearly your son does not think that you know best, and if you don't expect him to listen the first time, then you are saying that he may be right.
11 is a hard age to try to get that back, but if you have ever watched super nanny, you will see how crucial it is. Be prepared for some big resistance, but you will be so thankful later. You just have years of bad habits to break, no big deal :)
Figure out what your son responds to: Would a chart work? Would money in a jar that gets added or subtracted be motivating? Or some other reward/punishment thing that would encourage the positive and discourage the negative.
Maybe start with an hour of play station time.When you ask him to do something, he says okay mom and does it - he gets an extra two minutes, if he doesn't do it immediately- he loses two minutes. Every single time. You would be surprised how quickly they can catch on. BUt then again it may take a couple of days.
To be reasonable, try your best to not ask him to do something, while he is in the middle of another task. that would frustrate him.

He's expressing his growing self sufficiency, but its also insubordination. However, he does need to be reminded that he is not the parent over the other kids and that your word will be followed. I have the same problem with my daughter sometimes- she'll try to parent the other 3 kids much to my frustration.

WOW. I think it's an adolecent problem. The older they get the more they think they know. My youngest is eight and they get into some really bad battles. It's just the age. Be more firm and be consistant. When you ask them to do something, make them do it quickly. I take away privlages for not obeying right away. Talk to them about pushing each other's buttons, and your own too, explain it to the preteen. It may help. Good Luck!!!!

Hi R.,
I would recommend you give him a choice such as

Would you like to "take your shoes upstairs" yourself? or would you like to pay me $____ to do it for you? (You name your price and If he doesn't have any money he can pay you in toys starting with his favorite ones.)

My 11 yr old responds well to that tactic.

Thanks for reading,
Melody

Hey R.!
You've basically described EXACTLY what goes on in my home as well! I have an 11yr old son who acts like he's going on 21! He's very disrespectful, lazy, and argumentative..with EVERYONE in the household! We've also tried having "adult" conversations with him and we even give him a little more "rope" than the other kids in the house. (he's my oldest of 5)...anyway...be prepared that he's entering puberty and his emotions are going to get all out of whack!! I thought my sister in law's girls were bad until my son reached pre-teen years! WOW! Good luck and thank you for posting this question! I needed the advice too! HUGZ to you dear!

Checkout the Love and Logic web site. they have wonderful books,CD's, and DVD for raising your children with out fighting! I just went to a seminar and it was fabulous!!! Now, I want to get a DVD for my husband to watch.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/

R.,

Yes, I think some of it is a boy thing. My oldest son of 6 can be like a parent but, he normally is just reinforcing something we said. As far as the movie thing goes suggest to try the movie anyway. My 5 yr old really liked Narnia. It is surprising how quick the younger ones just get it. Also, you may want to try using a timer for things if your son tends to milk it out. We have started doing that with our kids and seems to help.

Wishing you the best.
A.