As a mom I'm wondering whether or not anyone else has a contentious little manifestation between an older son and a younger daughter in their family circle? My son is twelve years old, but his 9 year old sister is very competitive with him when it comes to attracting and receiving my attention. The relationship between them is fine. That is, they get along well and are supportive of one another, but my daughter is both bigger and stronger than my son is. She's three inches taller and she outweighs him by a good 16 pounds. They get into these roughhousing tussles in which she easily and routinely overpowers him. At times when they both come to me to ask my permission for something she'll lift him off his feet and put him down out of the way so that she can be the one standing in front of me rather than him. She's also started picking him up and carrying him around while they're in the house . When in public they seem to behave differently and she's much more restrained, but while at home they seem to have established this pecking order between themselves and its ongoing.
My son appears to take it in a good natured way, but there have been times when they've been wrestling and tussling that I've observed him really trying to beat her, but he's never been able to. I suppose that because he's no match for her as far as size and strength go, he's just come to terms with it. My question is; how long might this sort of interaction between the two go on? I'm wondering if I'm going to be seeing it throughout their teen years when they really want to demonstrate individualism? By the way, my son takes after my family - we're fine boned and not at all very substantial or tall, while my daughter favours her father's family, who were larger and sturdy. The contrast between these two kids is really marked! Thank goodness they're not really hostile toward each other and that they get along well.
She needs to stop. She's playing some power games - even if they are not "adult", she is using her size to get her way, and using her size to manipulate others. THAT needs to stop and be unlearned.
Your son likely won't always be smaller than your daughter. Do you really want to allow the precedent of "survival of the biggest" in your house?? Would you be as nonchalant about this if it was your SON bullying your DAUGHTER?
Your daughter needs to be more respectful of her brother. That means NO invading his personal space. NO picking him up and moving him (you seriously think that's ok??) And YOU need to be the one to enforce this, not your son.
Nip this in the bud because sometime soon, he is going to -- justifiably, to me -- lose his cool with her. No one should be OK with someone else picking them up and moving them to be first in line. Sometime sooner rather than later, she is going to pick him up to move him or carry him around and he will snap, no longer finding it amusing or tolerable, and then HE will be the one in trouble for walloping her when she cries, "I was just playing."
Don't LET her do this any more. Tell her that it was funny when they were younger but they are both too old for this. It's not nice or appropriate, to physically move another person out of your way. And it may have been OK before for her to carry him around the house but it is no longer OK -- she is old enough now to understand that rules change. And she needs rules on this, or they both will end up in trouble soon. He needs to learn he CAN say no, stop it, when she tries this.
You say that "I suppose that because he's no match for her as far as size and strength go, he's just come to terms with it." You "suppose"? Have you talked to him about it? I would never suppose this -- In fact, I'd assume that he is probably pretty ticked off about it but says nothing partly because she is bigger than he is and party because you allow it to happen. Don't set him up to be the one punished when he finally snaps over this. They get along well otherwise, so it's time to end the horseplay that puts him at such a disadvantage.
If he ever has a friend over and his sister starts in on the roughhousing or the picking him up -- don't you think that his friends are all going to know that "his little sister can beat him up" by the very next day? Don't set him up for that kind of mess. She needs to keep her hands off him and find other ways to play.
It will go on as long as you continue to allow it. Your daughter is being unkind and you aren't stopping it.
At 5 and 1, my daughter (1) has a much more forceful personality and will run all over her big brother... but we don't allow it. Even at their ages, we will tell her to "be kind" and encourage them to share or take turns, but don't "insist" that he let her have his things.
They are far too old to be tossing each other around. Time to make a "no wrestling" rule and put your foot down with your daughter's aggression AND your son's passivity. Neither are particularly good things to nurture and they could really learn from one another.
ADDED: I am 9 years older than my "baby" sister, but she's a good 7" taller than me. She used to try to carry me around the house because she thought it was funny. My father flat out said to her "That's your older sister. You treat her with respect. She's not your doll." That ended it and I appreciated it. I was probably 16 or 17 at the time and we were pretty close in size.
You need to stop this behavior at once. She can no longer pick him up and carry him around. That is demeaning to an older brother and would be so embarrassing if his or her friends found out. Also, you might want to get your son involved in tae kwon do or one of the marital arts. They teach discipline, self-confidence and ways to protect yourself and stick up for yourself. He will need this as other kids become bigger and stronger than he is.
We simply don't allow physical tussles in our home. If they want to get into it in earnest, they're required to take it outside. Nobody puts their hands on each other in our house in any violent way, playing or not.
I grew up with three younger brothers, and we wrestled around like that sometimes--but never in front of friends; that would be disrespectful to each other and bad manners with company! So in my opinion, as long as your son is okay with it (not just that you "suppose" he is), it's good-natured play (stopping when asked, and not trying to hurt each other) and they don't do it when other kids are around (just family play), I wouldn't worry too much about it. One or both of them will most likely grow out of it over the next few months, and it will stop, or you can tell them when you feel they're getting too old for it and encourage other games and activities for them to do together (table tennis, mini-golf, card/board games, video games, etc.).
However, please don't assume you know how your son feels about it, simply because he smiles and tolerates it and he's a laid-back kid. ASK him, privately and confidentially, whether he likes or dislikes it. It may have a huge affect on how you should handle the situation.
I also definitely agree with Leigh R. that you need to step in regarding your daughter physically moving her brother so she can be first in line. That is becoming (or will become) a *respect* issue. She's showing disrespect for him and trying to control him simply because he is physically smaller than she is. You don't want to be encouraging that. In fact, you need to *discourage* it. She needs to know from you that this is NOT appropriate--she needs to wait for her turn. We don't use our advantages (whether size, intelligence, or whatever) to disrespect others, to take things from others (even their place in line), or to force other people to do things. We all need to learn to respect others, regardless of our differences.
That said, if they compete for your attention, how about setting some time aside for each of them (separately) to have your full, undivided attention apart from the other? Perhaps you could give your daughter a half-hour before bed, and then at her bedtime, give your son a half hour before his bedtime (which also results in his getting to stay up a little later, because he's older). Or you could plan weekly outings or activities with each of them, and encourage them to choose personalized activities--something they may enjoy that the other sibling doesn't.
HTH!
My grandchildren, ages 10 and 12, have had difficulty with wrestling turning into someone being unhappy. So. a couple of years ago, their parents decreed that there was to be no wrestling at all and that each was to keep their hands to themselves and off everyone else. It's helped cut down on the hurt and hurt feelings.
It just seems logical to me to have the rule of keeping one's hands to themselves just as it is in school. There is no need to play in a physical way.
I also suggest that some actions, such as picking him up and setting him down, are disrespectful. Respect requires that one recognizes another person's physical space.
Focus on respect instead of size and competition.
My daughters are 14 and 17 and they STILL wrestle from time to time. I actually hate it (I have to leave the room) but for the most part they seem to enjoy it, so I just let them go at it.
My son is 20 and he has NEVER been into this kind of play. He's always been roughly the same size as his sisters, so that's not it, he's just not as into the physical play and expression that the girls are.
Funny how he takes after me this way while my girls take after my husband!
ETA: I wouldn't allow your daughter to pick your son up and move him out of the way so she can be "first." Even if he doesn't seem to mind that's really rude and disrespectful on her part. She shouldn't think that just because she's stronger she gets her way, that's NOT a good precedent!
We never allowed any physical tussling - ever.
It didn't matter who was stronger or bigger - no wrestling, fighting, tickling, etc. if you don't allow it, you won't have any issues.
LBC
Be careful to make her feel bad about her size, but put her in sports so that she can put her rough house manner to better use.
