This is so silly I can't even believe it's an issue, but I'm at a loss. My daughter just turned 2 and has started to get interested in using the toilet. We got her a little potty and she gets an M&M every time she uses it. It's been hit & miss but she's starting to get it. The problem is, my 5 year old is upset that he no longers gets a treat for doing his business.
After much whining and begging, we decided that he could get an M&M for wiping his own bottom after he does #2. He was thrilled, and he's happy to announce when he succeeds. But now he's started trying to force himself to have a bowel movement when he doesn't need to, just so he can have an M&M. For example tonight he got out of bed and spent 10 minutes on the toilet. We finally just gave him an M&M so he wouldn't give himself a hemorrhoid.
So any moms have this kind of jealousy during potty training? How did you handle it for the older one? Thanks!
My son does already earn play money for certain jobs and chores, and he gets to "spend" it on treats or rewards. But I guess an M&M is such a tempting instant gratification, he could care less about a jar full of paper! I know we shouldn't have rewarded his behavior last night, but my husband made it VERY clear that he won't get an M&M for anything toilet related ever again! I love the idea of giving him an M&M when his sister gets one, that might get him to remind her to go!
How about HE gives the little one treats for going and "helps" train her. He feels left out cause she's getting a lot of attention.
That's a slope I wouldn't even start sliding on. Your youngest is being rewarded for an accomplishment...it's her accomplishment. Are you going to reward him (create rewards) every time little sister has one?
He's 5, more then old enough to understand. Did you use a similar method with him? Then if so I would explain that to him, he already had his 'turn' now it's little sisters. In away you are setting this up to be a competition.
If you want to reward him, then set the rewards up so they are age appropriate. At 5 he should be wiping his own butt, because that's what you do when you go potty. So set some weekly goals and reward him weekly.
you gave him an m&m for sitting on the toilet for 10 minutes? and he's 5?
yeah don't do that again mom :) which will now be harder because he knows you caved last time.
he's a big boy and that's it. maybe make a mommy and me date for just the two of you and talk about how little sis didn't get to do this because she's not big enough, she can't even use the potty on her own yet...play up his strengths, plenty of praise and positive attention...
5 year olds don't get m&m's for using the potty (or even wiping). it just doesn't work that way kiddo, sorry.
i'd ask him what he's going to give mommy every time she goes potty all by herself ;)
You need to completely ignore your older child on this. I bet you have given into other little signs of jealousy and so he knows how to work you. Tell him today that you are not giving him any more m&ms because he is a big boy and this is a game for babies. No emotion here -just matter of fact.
Honestly-the word NO is something that is so important and now that my boys are getting older I can see the direct results of parents who are unable to use it and let me tell you, its not pretty.
We went through a bit of this. Nothing major. My son understood that we did the same for him when he was training. But still...his sister was getting chocolate! So when my daughter earned her m&m, she also brought her brother one. It stopped the upset. My daughter got to brag to her big brother. And since he was getting something for it, he really cared and helped encourage her.
( M&Ms only interested my daughter for a short time. After than she got a penny for her piggy bank.)
I didn't have this issues, as my youngest didn't respond to treats. (Weird. It worked with my oldest.)
Have you considered simply giving both of them an M&M when she is successful? I was really lucky, because my oldest really got a kick out of encouraging his little brother. Maybe your son could get an M&M as a reward for being a good encourager.
One thing I saw recently was to get the older child on board encouraging the younger one. Every time they are encouraging or applaud to their younger sibling they get a sticker on a chart on the fridge. After so many stickers (5-10?) they get a treat.
When my son gets jealouse of my daughters learning I expalin to him we did all those things for him too. Idk how your going to get out of giving him m&m s now though. Perhaps telling him that he already earned his m&m when he was potty training and he is great at that so now its time to earn m&m for being mommys helper. clean your room you get 3m&m s or what ever your needs in training him are. getting himself dressed, shower, bringing in the mail. then eventually once she is potty trained and you will magically run out of m&ms!!
I've not had this problem but I think I would just go ahead and give him an M&M for something you want him to do. Train him at putting away his toys or putting his dirty clothes in the hamper or ? Make a limit as to how many he can earn in a day.
He's a big boy who wears underpants and goes potty all the time. He doesn't get a reward anymore. He gets different kind of rewards for doing his chores and other big boy things. She's still little and is just learning to use the potty, so she gets a reward to help her learn. End of story.
Do not give him a reward also when she uses the potty. Are you going to give him presents at her birthday party? All rewarding him too teaches him is that no one is allowed to get anything unless he gets some too. Is that kind of entitlement really what you want to teach him? What do you think he'll do next year in school when another classmate gets recognized for good work/birthday/special kid for the day/etc.? Do you want him to demand recognition also each time someone else is given special attention?
As a side note, I don't believe in using food as rewards, especially for things like potty training. All it does is teach children the basics of bad eating habits-to reward yourself with junk food-and gives food more power, makes it more desirable. See how much power the M&Ms already have? If you rewarded potty success with a stamp on the arm, do you think you'd be having so much trouble?
Just something to think about...
He's 5 so he can understand waiting for a reward. Instead of giving him m&ms each time he wipes you can tell him that if he goes through the entire day wiping and without any pee accidents he'll get XX amount of m&ms. He can choose to have them the following day or as a snack at the end of the day. Or you can do away with coupling them to the bathroom for your son by giving him m&ms if he's a good brother and helps his family.
What does it say to your daughter if big brother gets an m&m too and he did nothing...i think this is her thing, so for her benefit, she should only get them at that time, but perhaps when she is napping, you could find some reason for your son to get them, but it would not steal her "potty thunder"!
but really, if you think about it, it's not different than birthdays. you don't buy all of your children presents when one has a birthday...maybe just a good lesson to learn about being siblings and being different ages...
