Older Husband Won't Give up Bad Habits

Hi K.,

I'm going to make a few assumptions here and give you some food for thought.

First, the smoking. I'm guessing he was a smoker when you married him, and a smoker when you decided to have children. Did he ever say "I'll stop smoking when the children are born?" Smoking is an addiction and he's not going to stop unless he truly wants to. My advise, let him know that you are very concerned for his health and that you want him to be arround to play with his grandchildren, then don't bring it up again for months. (My husband is diabetic and does eat properly and doesn't check his blood sugar - the less I say, the better it is for both of us).

Please DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO SMOKE IN THE HOUSE OR IN THE CAR. Second hand smoke is extremely damaging to a child's health. Remember even if the girls aren't in the room, the smoke still lingers and gets into the fabrics and ventilation.

Secondly the computer games. After a long day at work, I enjoy coming home and playing games on the computer. I find it very relaxing, and yes it can get addicting. But there needs to be a balance and a schedule of free time. Maybe you can comprimise with something like after dinner, he plays with the girls for an hour, then he has "me time".

I'm also guessing that since your a SAHM, that hubby works alot more than standard 40 hours. Although 47 is not old, it's not the same as 30. Depending on the type of work he does, his body may just be physically (or mentally) drained. Of course, I'm sure feel the same after taking care of the kids and house all day.

Alot of people say age doesn't matter, but I completely disagree. A couple with a large age differce can have a wonderful marraige and life long happiness together, but they are going to face many challenges that other couples don't. Have you been married a long time? Did you discuss your age difference before getting married, perhaps during premarraige counceling with your religious leader? It's possible that his friends and possibly siblings, and at a different point in their lives, such as grown children, thinking about retirement, some disposable income? He maybe feeling some isolation because he is at a differnt stage of life having 2 small children and dealing with diapers and potty training, while his buddies are heading off to a sporting event.

You mention a "heaven baby". Did you experience the death of a child? His behavior my be his way of dealing with the loss.

I hope the 2 of you can reach a compromise.

P.S. I didn't scroll down far enough to notice you had a "tell us what happened" response.

Hi K., You must get him to smoke outside. The second hand smoke is very dangerous to the children's lungs. I know it is difficult to quit due to addictive chemicals added to cigarettes but your children could develop asthma if they don't already have it. My daughter is a smoker and has tried to quit. She takes here cigarettes outside to protect her children. Please tell him he must do this. My best, Grandma Mary

Ok so he was a smoker when you married him and now he's still a smoker and somehow you think he shouldn't be? Not your choice whether he smokes or not. He's a grown up and knows the health risks involved so it's his choice to smoke or not.

My daughter and her hubby smoke and every once in a while I'll comment that I'm making sure I'm in good shape so that if they get cancer I'll be able to step in and raise their children. It's caused them to quit a couple times although they usually start again after a couple months. Smoking is addictive and from what I've been reading it might take 20 times for them to actually quit for good.

Sorry you're going through such a rough time. Having 2 small children and a Dad that doesn't pay enough attention to them (and probably you either) doesn't sound like a happy home to me. :(

My husband works a standard 40-50 hour work week (he's a manager so he has his share of stress at work), is a deacon in our church, helps around the house when needed and wouldn't dream of doing anything for himself if our 9-year old daughter wanted to spend time with him. I should mention that he had a neck injury from a car accident a while back and by the end of the day, he's pretty beat & uncomfortable. None of that stops him from spending time with my daughter - because he WANTS to spend time with her and he knows that having an attentive Dad is essential for a girl's self-esteem. There's a good book, but I can't recall the author or exact name. I think it's "What every Girl needs from her father".

I had a Dad who was home, but pretty much ignored me. I can't begin to tell you how that killed my self-esteem. When I hit those teenage years, I looked for attention from any male figure - you don't want your daughters to do that and I'm sure he's not thinking his ignoring them will have a negative impact on THE REST OF THEIR LIVES, but it will. Girls will get attention in any way they can, believe me.

Having said that, could he be depressed? Sounds like he might be. Does he interact with friends (his own friends, not couples in your social circle). Does he take pleasure in any activity that doesn't invlove "checking out" emotionally for a few hours? How's your sex life? If you answer these questions honestly and don't like the answers, perhaps it might be time to get to the bottom of WHY the computer is more interesting than you and your children.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Has he tried laser? My husband smoked since he was 14, now he is 55. He recently had a laser treatment done $300.00 and walked out of the office and hasn't smoked in 7 months. He hasn't had an urge, hasn't gained an ounce, wasn't cranky and the cough he had went away in about 7 weeks. He is so happy and proud that he's a "Non-Smoker." He tells everyone about it and many of his friends, including our son has had it done and they haven't had the urge to smoke either. The treatment also had a second treatment available if he needed it within a 6 month period for free. He didn't need it. I don't know where you live and if it's offered there but it's worth checking in to. I'm thrilled he was able to quit so easily. Good luck and I hope your husband looks in to it. D.

Hi K., My husband smokes but it's NOT negotiable that he smoke outside. Second-hand smoke should NOT be forced on my 3 year old. I'm sorry if it's an inconveniance but my daughter knows no better, he does. I've asked him to quit several times but he hasn't. I bring it up every once in a while hoping he'll try but it is an addiction. I understand it's difficult but still give him a talk.
As far as spending time together...maybe you can have a heart to heart with him and tell him how important HE is to your daughter as I did. I told my hubby he is SO important to her as a male role model for her future and this will effect her choice in men when she grows up. He was surprised and felt good. Since then he tries to be a little more involved with her.
Oh, my husband is 49 and I'm 50, my little girl is adopted. It is difficult, people say it doesn't make a difference but let's face it we don't have the same energy level we once did. All the more reason to take care of ourselves and be in the best health we can be. I want to be there for my daughter, we have family, but I want to stick around. Try talking about all this with him. Maybe you already did, keep trying, I know I will. It's worth it.
The writer, Elaina P. said, maybe there are other things going on and you may need to talk to him to discover why he feels he needs to "shut" you and kids out as often as he does. If he really needs his alone time there should be some kind of compromise here. What about you? What do you need? I'm not a professional, these are just some ideas. SINCERELY, GOOD LUCK

Hi K.,

There are actually several issues in your email:

The first thing: You don't mention it, but if he does, here's something you have to do right away: Smoke must be absolutely banned inside the house. Not only does the smoke he breathes out hurt your kids, but the deposits on the furniture, clothes etc (the stuff that creates this old smoke smell on people's clothes and in homes, even after opening the windows) is very toxic. If he complains, ask him if he wants to give asthma and cancer to his children, that should make him think.

His smoking in general: smoking is an addiction, so he may have trouble to stop even if he wants to. I would say try to find something that makes him want to stop, such as the thought that if he doesn't stop, he probably won't see his children get married; or that he's hurting their health right now (see above). You can't make him change, the best you can do is help him find a motivation to do it. Also, don't nag (it'll just make him want to do it more), and maybe someone else, such as a friend of his, actually is the best person to tell him those things. We spouses are often the worst person to illuminate a problem, because they just won't listen to us... Annoying but true. I've found that in some things I get better results if I don't say anything to my husband, but find a friend who thinks like me, and who like my husband enough to broach the subject with him.

Finally, as for Daddy not paying enough attention. I don't know what will make your husband react, but maybe looking for all the ways girls benefit from having a present father (not the ways they suffer from having an absentee father - and a father can be absentee even when he's physically in the house!) and than sharing them with him would help. Is it that he plays a lot because he's addicted to the games, he's trying to escape something, it's his way to relax, or just out of habit? My husband plays quite a lot too, but he is available to our son when the latter wants it. One thing we found works very well: he sometimes plays with our son on his lap, so that he participates too. Of course, those games are very carefully chosen...

Hope this helps,
K.

Coming from someone who smoked for many many years, I have to tell you, the more I was nagged the more I smoked. Yes I knew it was bad for me, but "it was my decision." I finally quit 14 years ago and will never smoke again, but I quit on my own, I didnt discuss it with anyone or tell anyone. I just made the decision and quit. Your husband knows its bad for him, but it is very addictive and extremely hard to stop. The best you can do is insist he not smoke in the house or car at all, ever. Perhaps he will smoke less if he has to go outside every time. Tell him you are concerned for your children's health and insist he not smoke around them.

Ask him to compromise.

Tell him you don't want to keep naggin him about smoking, so if he would please only do it outside, and never in the house. That would be a compromise. It keeps it away from you and the kids as much as possible yet he can still do it without being nagged about it.

As for the gaming, ask him if he would be willing to have a schedule of sorts for it... maybe after the kids go to bed, or something like that.

My husband was a smoker before we married, he still is. My son is also now a smoker. I hate that they do it but I also know I can't make them stop. So the rule is...outside only! Even in the winter and rain. They follow it strictly too.

You have to learn how to compromise with each other... it's the only way to survive marriage together. lol

Hi K.
Hey you may think that 47 yo is old but unless you did not project down the road at all you knew that when you married him. I am guessing that he smoked when you were married, and probably played video games too. So what to do now?
As a SAHM, I did all I could to have dad involved, but the best idea came from my mom when she told me to make the time with the children more fun than anything else that was happening. If he doesn't join you, at least you and the kids are having fun and building those memories for them.
You cannot change your husband, only he can choose to change. You might want him to be there for the girls but you can't do it for him or make him. In my opinion, if he's not dad to them be mom and dad til he chooses to join you. Remember joining you has to be more fun than video, and more fun than TV, or anything else he chooses. Laugh, have fun. 3 year olds love to make cookies and most dad's love to eat them. The smell usually brings them to the kitchen. Early evening is great for that.
Another strategy mom liked was cleaning up the kitchen. She said dad would play with us, so she could get the kitchen in order. Didn't work at my house because we have barn chores on the farm and until the kids were old enough to go out to do chores, he couldn't take them, but might work for you, especially if he like my dad hated dishes in the sink. Mom said she would listen and know we were having fun, albeit not her kind of fun with dad. I do remember that, and we didn't have to do evening dishes etc because "we helped her make dinner" That was always the deal. She would do dishes if we set the table etc.
God bless your family with joy and give you wisdom
K. SAHM married 38 years -- adult children 37 coach, 32 lawyer married with 5 mo, and twins 18 yo, and in college after homeschooling.

I'm a mother of 3 and although I don't live with my parents they are smokers for over 40years. They watch my kids a lot. We would get in huge fights because I wanted them to stop smoking. Not only for my kids, but for their health too. I slowly learned that when you have a habit for so long they are the only ones that can break it. I backed off, as long as they don't smoke around the kids what can I do, but just let it go. Approach your husband in an understanding way. Say you understand it a tough habit to break and you're not asking him to quite. All you're asking is for some quility family time. Make a schedule, after a certain hour he can go smoke and be on the computer. We all need times for ourselves to stay sane. Tell him that, both you and him need to respect that "me time" to catch your breathe. He might respond a little differently if you approach him with understanding. I'm sure he works hard to support you and the girls. He comes home to de-stress. Tell him you understand his needs but as a team to please help you for and hour or two with the girls. After bedtime, it's his time to do what he wants.
I hope this helps.

K.,

*Warning* Strong opinion here. It will take a lot of will-power on your part to make this work. If you don't like what I have to say, simply move on. Please.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that he smoked and gamed before you were married.

Gently, I can only say: You have asked him, but you cannot expect him to either quit, or understand. It is the same with any person, and it is unrelated to age and gender.

He will quit if and when he is ready, and not for anyone but himself, if he wants to make it work. Using his children as leverage simply puts them between you and him, and will not give him the proper 'incentive' to quit, either.

I'm not quite sure with your sentence structure whether he is gaming to escape being with his kids (when they're awake) or he is 'playing' that his baby wants his attention when she really wants you.

I too want my husband to give up his bad habits, but he hasn't and he won't. He's tried, but there are many parts to 'giving up' a bad habit, and all of them have to be in place for it to happen. You can't make it happen, and trying to only makes it worse. For example: If he does give up x, y, or z for you - and you suddenly make new demands, he may go back - for whatever reason. He had to give up smoking, but that was only because if he wanted a medication to work, he had to quit cold turkey.

It's not the fact that your husband older. It's not the fact that he has bad habits. It's the fact that it's bad a) for the babies and b) for him, that gets to you. Age wasn't a question/factor when you married him. Neither were these habits. Giving him an ultimatum not only isn't going to work, it isn't fair. (It sounds backwards, bc he's doing something bad for himself, but it truly isn't fair to step in and say m, n, and o are unhealthy, you need to stop. You didn't say 'I won't marry you if you don't quit smoking, did you?)

And chances are you have helped him see the light. He may be powerless to stop these things from happening - both smoking and gaming are activities that can lead to addiction.

Your best chances of giving him incentive to quit are laying off the subject ENTIRELY (and I don't mean just for a day or two) and leaving it solely up to him. Making comments or anything will not help his (or your) situation.

Even if the babies are sick - he may not stop. He may not be able to. So be prepared for that too.

You married for better for worse, richer, poor, sickness, health. Well, you married HIM, and all the faults, foibles and idiosyncrasies that make him HIM. You didn't marry him because you thought you could turn around his bad habits and help him live a longer life.

So you actually have a better chance of him quitting (rather than you being responsible for him quitting) if you leave off the subject altogether.

Good Luck,
M.