Okay to Ask 3 Year Old Instead of Mom or Dad?

Totally not unreasonable! If they ask the child, and then YOU say "No", it makes you the bad guy......

I think that you are just going to have to say something like...

"I know you are really trying to be nice, but PLEASE ask me before you ask my son... I may have plans that he doesn't know about. Being only 3 years old, he is not capable of making a responsible decision."

No, you are not unreasonable. My sister does this all the time. She is really sweet and kindhearted, but she uses this as a manipulation tactic when she wants things to go her way. Family, shmamily. That doesn't give them the right to run roughshod over you.

Why is it that so many think that being related by blood gives someone the right do things like this?

Yes, they should ask the parent for things that require parental permission, such as: leaving the premises, eating certain foods or treats (never know who has an allergy), spending the night somewhere, etc.

Things I let my kids decide on their own: if they want to play with someone or not, if they want to give hugs or kisses to a family member; if they want to wear their tennis shoes or their dress shoes to the mall; if they want to use berry or bubble gum toothpaste--you know, things that are in the domain of a child's decision making ability.

I think some people like to try to look like "the good guy" by offering kids wonderfully fun things, and then it leaves mom and dad looking like "the bad guy" when we have to say "no" from time to time (might be intentional, but probably not).

We have a rule in our house; if you ask for something (playdate, sleepover, etc etc) in front of the friend or to happen immediately the answer is an automatic NO.

If I were you I would adopt that rule with the kiddos, then explain it to the family and tell them that if they put you on the spot in the future you'll have to say no because that is what you are trying to teach the kiddos. My MIL did this to some extent, it only took a few times of me vetoing her or taking away whatever she gave the kids in front of her before she started asking me first.

No, of course you are not being unreasonable, that would totally irk me, too. And this is how I would handle it: use some good old fashioned ribbing to get your point across.

"Gee, Aunt Sally! Were you going to ask his mom or dad if he could go to the store with you??" (smile planted on face)

"Hey grandma! Thank you for checking in with mom to see if a sleepover will work tonight!" (smile still stuck to face)

A couple of those and they should get the hint in a diplomatic way. If they don't, then you'll need to have the more pointed conversation.

Yes, you are being a tad unreasonable. They are family. Would you feel the same way if it were your parents asking or is it just because it's your husband's family?

Why not teach your child to say - "Yes, Grammy - I'd like to spend the night. Let's ask my mom!" That's what MY kids do when someone asks them if they can spend the night, have a treat, etc. and it's what I have taught them since they were old enough to understand questions.

You might find your life much easier if you teach your children to come to you for permission....then you won't be soo offended.

Good luck!

Sounds like you have an incredibly involved and close family. Count your blessings.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think THEY are being extremely unfair. The only place we differ is that I would absolutely make an issue of this, if it were happening to me...but my family would never ask my children if they wanted to do something unless they cleared it with me first. Life is full of enough disappointments with getting a child's hopes up just to turn around and dash them (like in the sleep overnight scenario, where he might want to but you might have to say no.)

For the questions you've posted - yes, you are being unreasonable.

Gma and Gpa are clearly in the wrong, but you have to let that go b/c you won't win the argument and the questions are so innocuous that it's not worth your time or stress.

Bigger questions - do you want a haircut? Has mommy told you where babies come from? Those are where you draw the line with family.

I'm seeing your question late, but here's what would have happened if family members would have done this with me. I would have told them privately that they HAVE to ask me first, not put me on the spot with my child. They'd laugh it off or say they disagreed, but I'd tell them point blank that everytime they do this, the answer will be NO out of principle. Then I'd make sure they see that I will not waiver. It wouldn't take long for them to stop that stuff and come ask me first. And then I'd try like the dickens to say yes.

You have to train them, C.. "Bend them to your will"! You can do it!

You are totally right. He's 3!!!! I would be really ticked if they did that to me. I would talk to them, not in front your son though.

I don't think it is minor , it's his parents trying to work around you as parents. maybe explain it to him that way.

you're not being unreasonable....i would be the "bad guy" and say real disappointed, "ohhh sheesh honey...did you ask mommy? we can't have candy right now!' or "oh honey, awww....that's too bad that you didn't ask first - you need to come home with us tonight, you can't spend the night. sorry!" i would have zero problem having these conversations in front of them. they might be annoyed but i bet they'll start asking.

I get where you are coming from, but let's play devil's advocate-

On the other hand, sometimes, its hard to do it right. I.e. if instead of saying -"timmy do you want some candy", they said, "timmy, let's see if Mommy say's its alright for me to give you some candy," still leaves you as the bad guy if you say no. are they supposed to call you into the kitchen for a private conversation each time it has anything to do with your child?

Best thing you can do in these situations is to teach your child to say "I'll have to ask my mom if its ok." Takes the edge off the whole situation, and reminds the child and your inlaws that yours is the final authority.

good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Staying overnight, yeah they should check with you first. Anything else, to me not a biggie. What a treat to go with Aunt so and so. Choose your battles because really in the scheme of things it really is so small. Some kids do not have aunts and uncles to treat them to a special trip to the store, etc.

I don't think that's unreasonalble at all. When we are with my family if one of the kids asks for something we tell them to ask their mom or dad and my family does the same with our kids. Cause I will let my kids have a lot more than my sister in law will and then the other way around with my other brother and sister in law. So we try to make sure it's ok iwth the parents. That would make me mad!!!

I understand and can sympathize because my inlaws do a similar thing with my kids. It typically has to do with shovelling desserts their direction at parties (and there are many get-togethers, so its more than a non-issue). I will tell the kids they can have 1 soda while over there (no more, bc they don't drink it at home), and one dessert is plenty. Then, I wil see my inlaws cajoling them into taking more ("Oh, come on, have another. What am I gonna do with all of it? Just enjoy", etc). They know our rules and I think take a bit of arrogance in attempting to prove wrong my theory on parenting. I'm sure they just want to show me that "here and there" excess is no big deal, but I'm trying to instill good healthy eating habits in my kids, and would appreciate their help, not their sabotage.

If it is something that the parent needs to weigh in on, yes, it rude. We had someone tell SD (at 8 or 9) that she could be a flower girl, without running it by a parent first. I found it incredibly rude. She also didn't seem to realize she needed to give the adult the schedule of her events. I think your SIL needs to say, "ask your mom" or ask you directly. If my mom asked my DD if she wanted to stay and didn't ask me first if she could, Mom and I would have a chat about that.

You should step in anytime this is said (you and/or DH) and say, "That's a nice idea, but you really need to ask us first."

If you have a hard time trusting them when they watch the kids, is it for this reason or another?

And if they ask as you're getting ready to leave, you can simply say, "Nope, not tonight." If they ask why say they need to ask you in advance.

sorry I see nothing wrong in the examples you gave. I doubt your SIL thought it would be a big deal for kiddo to go to the store with her. I doubt she was trying to override you as the parent. And as for the spending the night, it is the same as if one of their friends asked them. They would ask your child if he/she wanted to stay, and then the child would go to the parent for permission.

Again, I don't see that anyone is trying to usurp your authority or that it is rude.

This is a great teaching opportunity for you. These people mean no harm and you aren't going to change them without hurting feelings and causing drama. So train your son. He needs to know that he has to come ask you first. He is young, but this is not out of the scope of things he can learn. Role play. Would you like a piece of candy? "Let me ask my mama first" and he runs to ask you. Get your shoes, let's go to the store! "Let me ask my mama first" and so forth. You will "train" the adults through the child. When the adults realize the child will always ask you before they do something, they will start asking you first. But it will take a while. Train your boy. It is the opportunity of a life time.

They are putting you in the position to be the bad guy. If they invite your son to a sleep over and he's excited, but you don't allow it, you will be the bad guy and they will be the hero. For small things like a piece of candy or going to the store, I don't think that's such a big deal, but over night stays or bigger requests are. I think you should let the small things go, but for the larger things, you should have them ask you first.

They are probably thinking you would appreciate a night off or a quiet few minutes while they take him to the store.... It very well may be that they assume you would want them to spend time together.

I don't think it is being unreasonable for the most part, but I think you may be a little overboard in the big scheme of it all. I wouldn't like someone to just take my 3 year old to the store. Ask me first. But if grandma and grandpa ask him if he wants to spend the night, I don't think that is a big deal, unless you live an hour away and it is a hardship. And maybe lots of times they think up these ideas in the heat of the moment and just blurt them out without thinking to ask your permission. Think of the love that your child must feel, knowing that his family members want to hang out with him, and that his grandparents want him to stay over. I don't think this should be "eating away at you". I think you should open your arms to them and appreciate everything they are doing, because they are loving on your child. Lots of kids don't get that. And I also think if you start demanding that they ask you everything first, you are setting yourself up for some tug of war with your inlaws and I wouldn't want to be in that place either.

I think most people who do this figure that if it isn't okay with mom or dad he or she will say so. Grandma: "Do you want to stay the night?" Child: "Yeah!" Mom: "Sorry. No,tonight doesn't work. Maybe next weekend."

It wouldn't bother me, but it clearly bothers you so, no, it isn't ridiculous for you to ask them to ask you first.

No you are not unreasonable. My in laws ask my son EVERY time we see them "so, when are you coming to hang out at our house?" Um, he's 3 so I guess when he can drive himself? It's SO passive aggressive. Now I just respond every time with a laugh, as soon as he can drive! It's 2 hours away by the way. I think the store thing etc is because they don't want you to say no, IMO. Just ignore it and deflect with humor. You're the mommy!

My family does this type of stuff all the time! As the parent there have been times where I've had to be the bad guy and say "oh, sorry, not tonight but maybe next time". No biggy. My kids aren't used to getting everything they want so it's not a big deal.

But each family has a different dynamic. If it bugs you that much than you need to speak up and talk to them about it.

I can see it being annoying but I also doubt they really mean any disrespect. Sometimes I get excited about making a child excited... It's just enthusiasm. I stop myself bc I'm in the midst of being a mom to young kids so I get it but I can see someone who isn't just not thinking of it. I'd tell your inlaws to pls ask you about staying over and big things like that first so you don't have to be the bad guy if it doesn't work for you. Little things I'd let go or right at the time, say "no! Please don't offer candy before dinner etc." But my dad does this... He certainly doesn't mean anything bad. He offers my kids treats and I have to say "no! Dad! Don't do that!" He's learned. But it's instinct for him to bc he loves his cookies and just wants to make the kids happy and likley make them like him. So I don't see it as rude vs unthinking. Plus - he doesn't think cookies and candy all the time are as bad as I do... He has a crazy good metabolism so has eaten this stuff all his life and is healthy in his late 80's.

honestly if you are close with them they should be trusted enough to not have to ask you first. if he has some new allergy or food issue J. tell him and them up front "oh i J. wanted to let you know bobby cant eat x today" your sil shopuld be able to take him on a fun mini excursion without asking. she;s an adult. Whenever we go to my brothers we both do this.
One of us will say hey i'm walking the kids to the store and announce for them to get their shoes on. we dont ask permission. only if its right before dinner will we say hey do you mind them eating x before dinner or should they wait until they get done dinner? but sometimes well spoil our niece/kid and give it to them anyway.
I mean how often do you see them?. if they lived with you andit was daily it would be diferent but they should be able to spoil him when you visit

I wonder does it just bother you when it's your inlaws?
You always have the option of vetoing anything proposed!

No, it wouldn't/doesn't bother me.

You're not being unreasonable, but I'm wondering by the way you're describing their phrasing to your child is this is a cultural difference. My mother-in-law and a couple of my sisters-in-law are exactly like this but my mother and sisters-in-law on my side of the family are not. The Italian side of the family thinks nothing of just going with the flow, and that took some getting used to. My side of the family has been Americanized for a couple of generations longer, so they tend to ask permission from me or my husband first (as do we when it involves our nieces and nephews).

Luckily, I have my children trained to ask me for permission even when Nonna asks them or informs them of something instead of her coming to me first. I don't take offense to it because I do realize that it's cultural and it's just automatic for her.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ... oh, you were serious. (In response to your post question.)

You have EVERY right to ask that people ask you before your 3 year old. Personally, my answer would be "NO" each and every time they didn't. They can't respect you as a parent, oh well, he wouldn't be staying with them if it was me.

I do think they should run it by you before taking him somewhere or offering to have him spend the night. They don't know what your plans are and it isn't fair to get him all excited about something and then have you say no to it.

For little things like candy, it's nice when they ask you first, but not worth getting upset about if they don't, assuming your son doesn't have food allergies like mine does. :D

Because it's your husband's family and he doesn't care too much, it is going to be an uphill battle for you. I think you should choose which things are most important to you - like going places or spending the night - and talk to them about it. Don't place blame, just say it like this "I love how much time you want to spend with my son and I think it's great that you two are so close, but could you please ask me before you take him somewhere or invite him to spend the night, just in case it doesn't work with our plans? I don't want him to get all excited if he's not actually able to do it. Most of the time, my answer will be 'of course!' "

I think it depends on who the people are and how close of a relationship you have with them and your son. I would have no problem with my parents, my in laws, my sister or my sisters in law saying "Okay want to go to the store with me?" to my 3 year old because if he didn't feel comfortable, he would NOT go!!! But that is just me?

I understand about the candy issue - maybe just tell them (in private) - "We're trying to curb sweets before dinner, so can you please wait until he's had dinner to feed that to him?" But again with me, grandparents/aunts/uncles are supposed to spoil my kids so if my parents give my kids candy...I don't say a word. Usually they will ask if it's close to a meal time if it's okay. But I don't worry if they do not. They raised my brother, sister and I and we turned out great...so I trust their judgement!!

Yes and no...Is it possible they feel more comfortable in this family relationship than you do?

As I read your post, I get the feeling you don't accept his family to be your family, which is perfectly okay in my book. But he is your son's family. Maybe you need to check with yourself about that.

I will however agree with you that they should check with you before they tempt a 3 year old with anything.

Maybe next time as they are offering, you should decline or say to your son, tell Grandma and Grandpa you have to ask mommy and daddy first.

Hopefully they are understanding.

Would they circumvent your wishes if you forbade something that the 3-y.o. said he wanted? If the answer is yes, then I would definitely be irritated.
If no, is it possible that asking him in front of you is their way of asking you if something is ok? I mean, it's still not ideal, but it might help you not to feel as if they don't respect you as parents.

Perhaps the best thing to do is to teach your son not to accept anything anyone offers him without checking with you first. If they hear, "Let me ask my mom first" often enough, they may start asking you first.

I understand your frustration, but with family you might not want to go there! I gave up a while ago trying to control everything that happens at the inlaws house, which is mostly just a sugar overload. Grammy always always has M&M's in her pocket and Auntie always has lollipops for the kids. This is almost always right before a meal. I gave up a while ago trying to stop them! Sometimes I will mention "hmm you didn't eat your dinner yet" but generally let it slide to keep the peace. I know they enjoy "spoiling" the kids and its not a big deal to me. Its not something that happens at home so it kind of makes Grammy's house special.

Nothing you mentioned in your post seems terribly bad, just a little annoying. Of course I'd prefer to be asked first about what is given to my kids or what plans are made, but overall you have to pick your battles.

I would say no once and let them see the melt down they caused. But all in all if it's family and they want to keep him over I'd let them anytime they want. They raised at least one kid to adulthood and he/she didn't starve/die/grow up to be serial killers.....

are they taking him in his car seat??!!

(& I mean car seat! not booster! that's ANOTHER thing that gets me going!!)

http://www.carseat.org/Resources/651_Basic.pdf

I agree that it is a little rude for them to ask your son first. Perhaps they just assume that you would be more than willing.
Having a trusted family member that is willing and offering to be in your childs life=priceless.
For me getting some involvement from family would be in the winning the lotto wishful thinking category.