So not too long ago, my cousin's 16 year old DD called me to talk about sex. I gave her daughter some information that her mom refused to give her, and her mom found out about it after reading her daughter's journal. (If you want more back-story there, you can read the question I posted about it. lol.)
Sooo... I haven't heard from the 16 year old since then, until today. She borrowed a friend's cell phone and called me to let me know that she wasn't allowed to talk to me any more because of our conversation. Apparently, I'm a 'bad influence.' She had to borrow her friend's phone, because her mom keeps a very close eye on her Facebook (a good thing, IMO...) and has started going through her phone every night to make sure she hasn't tried to call or text me.
So now I'm torn. I have a very close relationship with this girl, and to be cut off from each other completely would hurt both of us very deeply. I can't even try to visit in person, since I live on the other side of the country. (we have kept in touch the last 3 years through FB and phone...)
I don't know where to go from here. One part of me wants to tell her that she needs to listen to her mom's wishes, and not to sneak around trying to keep in touch with me... BUT another part of me is screaming that her mom is being completely unreasonable, that she is 16 years old and should be able to talk to her family.
After she told me the situation, I told her that I would try again to call her mom and talk to her about this (even though I HAVE tried to call her since our fight, but she won't take my calls...) I also told her not to try and call me for a while, until I could resolve things with her mom.
I DO trust everything that this girl is telling me about what's going on at home, because I know my cousin very well. We used to be extremely close friends, and this is exactly the way she acts when things don't go her way.
Where would you go from here??? I don't want to lose my relationship with her, but I KNOW that her mom isn't going to relent on this... She has been looking for an excuse to get me out of her DD's life ever since her ex-husband passed away. (Step-dad HATES me because I'm non-religious and pro-gay marriage... When they got married, he cut me out of their lives as much as he could. Bio-dad co-parented, and allowed the daughter and I to keep our relationship strong during his visitation. He passed away a few years ago, and they were going to try to cut me out of her life then, but she was an absolute wreck after losing her father and they realized that it wouldn't be a smart move right then...)
I don't want to go behind their backs, because as a mom it would piss me off to no end for someone to go behind MY back with my DD.... BUT they are truly being unreasonable about this... and I don't want to lose my relationship with someone who is so important to me.
I'm kind of stuck in a lose-lose situation... the question is, which lose am I going to take? :/
I want to add a bit of info about my cousin...
When we were younger, we were extremely close friends. When she married her husband, she allowed him to control every aspect of her family's life.
Her husband is 'THAT' kind of Christian. The one with a holier-than-thou complex, extremely close-minded, and extremely disdainful of ANYONE who doesn't adhere strictly to every one of his beliefs. When they got married, he slowly cut every friend she had from before the marriage, and a good chunk of our family, out of her life. (Something that she allowed to happen....) I am the only one of our group who still has anything to do with her, because of my relationship with her daughter. I have noticed since then that she has become the person who doesn't talk about anything that makes her uncomfortable. So I fully believe her daughter when she says that her mom refused to talk with her...
I also believe that most of her behavior is out of spite... if not her's, then her husband's. They are very good at pulling power moves to get their way... For example... Her son graduated high school 2 years ago. Step-dad and mom wanted him to go to a specific Christian-based college. However, he was accepted into a much more prestigious college and wanted to go there instead... But because it wasn't a Christian-based school, they took away his college fund. Luckily, he earned a few scholarships and was able to take out enough loans to go to this school without their help.
A few people have pointed out that I can't take the daughter completely at her word, seeing that she is a teenager and may twist the story to get the reaction she wanted from me... BUT I do trust her story, based on past experience with this family. I have seen some of their behavior in person when I was still living near them... not to mention that the daughter's siblings usually tell me some of the same stories (from their own points of view) and corroboration from the other family members that she has actually kept in contact with.
P.S. I realize that this post may make it seem that I blame Christianity for these problems, because of my referrals to his religion... I just want to make it clear that while I am not a religious person, and I am not a fan of organized religion, I DO NOT judge all Christians simply because of their beliefs. I judge people based on how they treat me, and am a huge fan of 'agreeing to disagree'. I have quite a few friends who are devout Christians, and we get along just fine. It just so happens that my cousin's husband (and since their marriage my cousin) take it to the extreme.
With a crazy control -freak of a mom, it sounds like it is in the best interest of the girl to maintain some sort of contact with you. Even if it is behind her mom's back. Keep the lines of communication open.
Two years until she's an adult. Then she can make her own decisions.
Your niece, meanwhile, should be able to talk with her physician and her health teacher. She also has access to the web. I would recommend respectable sites such as WebMD.
Not having open communication with parents is the gateway to making mistakes for a teenager.
Good luck!
I think you handled the talk appropriately, but now I think you should tell her that she needs to respect her mother's wishes. Tell her that she can contact you if she's ever in trouble, and you will do your best to help, but she needs to do her best to respect her mother.
And FYI, not all Christians are as ignorant as these parents seem to be. I think they are setting this child up for epic failure, and it's sad.
In 2 years she'll be 18.
In the meantime, do NOT contact the girl but do try to resolve with your cousin, but if she won't talk...respect that.
It will be interesting to see how this girl reacts when she's out of the bubble mom keeps her in, won't it?
I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your cousin and talk to her about the importance of having real discussions with her daughter about sex and her body, emotional connections, self esteem, making good choices, and responsibility. I think the mom is petrified because she doesn't know WHAT to say.
My thought would be that you respect mom's wishes for now, BUT tell your neice that if she is ever in serious trouble or really needs you that you will be there for her. I'm sure you would like to continue to keep in touch at the level you have been but as a mom, for me It would just make the situation so much worse.
As long as she knows you love her, and that you respect that she needs to listen to her mom FOR NOW. then either your cousin will relent or your neice will soon be able to make her own decisions.
IF it was my daughter I'd be pissed too.
NO ONE but me tells my daughter about sex. And if there's something that's not with in my family's value system and she asks about then I will answer in a way that alligns with what my family believes.
Are you sure she actually asked her mom? You should have referred her to her mother.
To me it does sound like you are a bad influence. You need to support her mother's decisions. If she were your child would you want your cousin talking to your child about something like that? Would you want your cousin to undermine your authority? She's 16 she's already got the rebellion going for her, don't make it worse.
You HAD to talk with her about sex. You had no choice. The girl had asked her mother and the mother would not do her motherly duty and step up. This could have put this girl in danger.
But obviously your cousin is a control freak and has her head in the sand.
Maybe she wants to be a young grandmother? Keeping her daughter ignorant is the way to do that.
I think your idea of trying one more time to speak with your cousin is a good idea. It will put the ball in her court.
Then honor what she says. Then let your niece know you HAVE to honor her mothers wishes, so that no one can blame either of you... for what may come.. It will all fall on her mothers shoulders.
Remind your niece that you love her and always will, but she is her mothers child and no one can come between that and expect to be able to keep mama happy with out her approval. It will just turn into extra drama, you do not want niece to have to deal with.
Let you niece know this love will not end, it is always there, but the contact between the 2 of you will have to wait until she is 18.
Heartbreaking for both of you, but not the end of the world.
I am sorry that this has not been resolved.
I agree with Riley that it might be a while until you two can be together. I weighed in on your thread late - hope you saw my post. I hope that when you talk to her again that you can talk about the issue I wrote about, if you haven't already.
I do think that you will have to also tell her that when she turns 18, she can talk to anyone she wants. Tell her that you love her very much, and though you disagree with her mother, you have to respect her decision to step away. Ask her not to fight with her mom - it will make it worse.
I pray that your last talks with her go well and that what you say helps her get through this period with this boy to keep her from getting pregnant and to keep her self-esteem. I feel for this girl.
And I feel for you. I'm so sorry.
Dawn
You are right that the Mom is using this an excuse to cut you out of the girl's life. Mom is not going to take your calls. How about writing her a letter - the old fashioned, snail mail kind. In it, ask if you can write the girl letters also - encouraging the Mom to read them before she gives them to the girl. If she says okay, write a letter a week, keeping it light and chatty - you need to start somewhere.
While I normally don't condone circumventing parent's - in this case, if all attempts at reconciliation fail, then contact the girl through her friend. You could, at least, maybe exchange letters through one of girlfriends.
She will be 18 in less than two years, then can openly contact you then. But, in the meantime, she sounds like a teen who desperately needs you.
Don't think about what you want for you. Think about this teen girl. Will she be punished for keeping in touch with you?
What's really sad here is if her mother is giving her no information on sex, she will get this info elsewhere, like from in-person conversations with friends, which her mom cannot control unless she grounds her forever. I have a 17 year old daughter. This mom is way too controlling, checking every message and what not. This girl needs a bit of freedom so that she's prepared to live independently at college. My suggestion is to tell your teen cousin that you won't make contact with her out of respect for her mother's wishes. However, if the girl contacts you, out of your love for her, I would speak with her. Don't tell her this though, don't invite her to disobey her parents, but if she does call or message you, reply as you wish. If you're willing to forfeit your relationship with your cousin for the teen daughter, that is.
I always told my 17 year old daughter that if she has an issue that she is not comfortable speaking to us about, she can always talk to my niece (in her early 30's), and when my niece was a teen, I was that person for her.
I responded to your last post saying that I believe you overstepped your boundaries. I am all for teaching kids about sex and having an open honest dialect. But I believe you should have told the girl that you need to speak to her mother first and NOT believe the teenager that she did ask her mom but got nowhere.
Put yourself in the moms shoes. Whether or not you agree with the moms parenting, you have no right to judge or step on her toes when it comes to her daughter.
Personally I think you owe the mom a big apology for overstepping your boundaries. Maybe you should consider a card or a note with a perfuse apology, flowers, whatever will let her no you are sorry and that you understand how she feels and it will not ever happen again.
In the meantime tell 16 yr old that you will try to mend relationship with her mom so that you both can have your relationship again.
When my daughter was 12 she asked her step mom to take her to the store so she could buy thong underwear using her own money. Supposedly stepmom asked her if I would be ok with it and my daughter told stepmom she already asked me and I said yes. So stepmom took my 12 yr old daughter to buy thong underwear. I found 3 pair of thongs in my daughters backpack. I was very upset when I found out the story. She learned that kids will lie to get what they want.
I understand it's easier for a lot of kids to talk to others rather than their own parents BUT you still need to be mindful of the moms feelings.
When was the last time you were really close with your cousin? Do you feel the problem is that she is in a controlling marriage and all this is something her husband is demanding and she is unable, unwilling to disagree with him? Or does your cousin really feel so strongly about you talking with her daughter? They are two diff issues. But either way the key is to keep trying with your cousin, send letters emails whatever you think she might read. Do not discuss religion or other contraveries, remind her of fun you had as kids? Send cards to your niece that say nothing more than LOVE ya or "I'm thinking of you" in the hopes your cousin will not see them as threatening their family values and allow child to receive them. Letters and cars make this "out in the open" not sneaky. Tell your niece she can write to you but you will prob share the letters with her mom. Again, try to patch the relationship with your cousin in the hopes she will allow you to communicate with girl. If things change one day and someone feels you are needed they will not be embarrassed to contact you after months, years of no communication if you have been sending letters all along.
I went back and read your first post. You handled things well then--she needed to have enough information to make informed decisions about sex. It sounds like her mom was or is in denial about this. I'd keep trying to talk to your cousin but if she is just going to be stubborn I'd keep in touch with her daughter anyway. It won't be that long until she is 18. If her mom is being stubborn and short sighted she needs you more than ever!
