Oh Husbands

Hi M. H.,

My husband does that all the time when a crisis comes up and this is what I have been able to translate it to:

"There is a problem, and as a man it is my job to fix all my family's problems. I am out of town and so unable to do anything to step in and actually fix it. I am feeling the financial pressure of fixing everything and here is another and I don't know what to do. I am a man and it is my job to fix things and know what to do, and I can't do either right now!"

It actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Having said that, it doesn't make it any less frustrating or hurtful. And, yeah, you are responsible for all the problems and have shared just this one so you would think his coping skills would be more on point, but that's not how it works for them. YOU are his fix for all the other stuff - he is out of town but you are filling in and fixing it. But here is something you can't fix and he can't be there to do his job.

Let it roll, mama, as hard as that is. He will calm down and collect himself and you will be able to talk about it more calmly.

Sorry you feel bad and sorry your husband acted so man-like. It will get better.

when men aren't there to "care" for their family - they get stressed...

if money is tight and they hear that you are stressed - then they get stressed...at least that's the way it works in my house...my husband is the "He-Man provider" (thumps chest!!)...he is also a GREAT Handy-man! So he can fix what I break!!

If my husband has been traveling for a week and is away from home for a week and the weekend he's due home, I'm sick and there's stuff to be done and he takes off again to see his sister - he better be taking the kids with him too so that I can get better!

For me? It's easier when I try to wear my husband's shoes and I talk to him about stuff that needs to be done....my husband is NOT a car repair guy - he can do body work, but engine work? Nope. so since we have a high maintenance vehicle, I rely on MY knowledge and just tell him what needs to be done...that's what works for us...when it's something he knows about - then I ask...talk, etc...

I hope your husband takes the kids with him so you can rest.

GOOD LUCK!

This is a little off the point, but... I just saw something the other day - some funny article about what would happen if men wrote personal-advice columns. Some woman, I think, writes a letter about how her car made funny noises and stopped running, which meant she had to catch a bus home, which meant she arrived home early, which meant she caught her husband with another woman. She asked what to do. The male columnist replied with detailed information on how to fix the car.

Believe me, what happened at your house is not in any way unusual!

Look at it this way: On this site women post questions about a lot of things. Let's say a mama is posting about her experience of the night before, when her baby was running a temperature, she was concerned, and her MIL (one of those EVIL MILS!) shrugged it off. It's very likely that one answer will focus on the evil MIL, another will focus totally on the baby's temperature, and yet another will be about whether the mama worries too much.

You mentioned car repairs and... ZAP! That's where your husband's brain went! (Not only that - his brain went to the part where *action* was required - specifically, monetary action. Guys generally go for the action scenes!) He lost everything else because his brain stuck to that part of your conversation like a magnet. It's not just men. Women do this. I think everybody has brain-stick periodically.

You're right: your husband started thinking dollar signs and was getting upset about that. If you get upset with him now, he simply won't understand why, because you know what the financial situation is.

I don't know if this can really be overcome, but a little communication might help. Yes, I know, but it's worthwhile at least to try. Something like: "You know, Jim, I'm going to be scared to ask you anything about the car from now on. I thought I was doing the right thing being concerned about its acting up, but you took your frustration out on me. So if you'd rather find out these things yourself, just let me know and I'll keep quiet." If his brain goes off again about expenses, say calmly, "Well, then, you'd rather find out these things for yourself." If he says, "No, no, I need to know them," you can respond, "Well, then, please don't shoot the messenger." You say this calmly (you're on the same team, remember) and then you *go away* and give him a chance to process it (and save him from making the further mistake of answering, "Well, it's YOUR car!").

I've always had to struggle with this sort of thing because my husband and I have very opposite types of brains. These days, when I run into some problem like yours, I'll preface the conversation with, "Well, I'm just about to make your day a little brighter." Then he knows there's a problem coming up. If I'm upset about something and want some sympathy (rather than wanting something fixed), I'll ask, "Is your sympathy department open today? Because if it isn't, I'll keep my pity party to myself." I know it sounds dumb, but sometimes it's helpful to give a guy a clue right up front about what his brain needs to focus on.

He needs to know he hurt your feelings. Men dont'get it sometimes and just lash out. Some women too.
Mine has had some issues since Afghanistan but refuses to listen to me to go to couseling. So I very clearly say That was uncalled for and hurtful to me.
I also let him have it right back, I know not the healthiest, but my Sagittarian self cant' help it and sure flies off the handle fast.

Yes, my husband does this, too. However, I'm very quick to point it out to him when he does it, in a nice way, of course. Then I steer clear of him for a while. He usually says I'm right and says he shouldn't have acted like that. Sometimes this opens the door for talking about what he's really upset about, sometimes not. You can't change another person, but you can let them know how their actions make you feel. Hope you're feeling better soon!

Why not just be open and honest with him and call/text him that you are 1) sick 2) working while sick 3) dealing with kids 4) worried about the car and being able to get out and about so you can take care of kids 5) don't have any support or any down time 6) also worry about the money 7) miss him and 8) do not appreciate him being snippy with your for something out of your control.
I find that my husband does not take hints, I have to spell things out.
As an aside, my sister pointed out something: people process information differently and think others process the same - I think best when I write stuff down and think for a while, my husband processes while talking. So if I ask him what he is doing this afternoon instead of telling me he is going to hang a picture, he'll talk about going to the hardware store to get nails, and finding the hammer in the basement and where did I put the stud finder, blah, blah, etc.etc. I just want to hear "I am going to hang a picture". I, on the other hand, would need to look at my list to know what I have to do, and he may wonder how come I won't answer him without looking at a list. People often get snippy with one another when they do not understand differences in this processing method (visual, verbal, kinestetic, emotional, etc).
PS:we love texting because it allows for a response when one has time.

It's so hard not to take these responses personally. Try to think objectively and put yourself in his shoes. Maybe letting him know that you understand and be sympathetic. Sometimes we have to take the higher road. HANG IN THERE!! ((((HUGS))))

Anytime we are already stressed out, we get snippy if something else gets added to the pile---no matter how small.
You said you didnt need to hear his ranting and raving right before bedtime and he probably didnt need to hear that something might be wrong with your vehicle right before bedtime. I think that was tit for tat.
Enjoy your sick wknd with the kids, make them play doctor and nurse. Centralize yourself on the couch in front of the tv, let them wear their pj's all wknd and eat cereal. Make things easy on yourself instead of more difficult.

Yes, my husband gets snippy when he is stressed, or had a long hard day at work. Occasionally I feel like I'm walking a tightrope, b/c like you, I just want to let him know about something or get his opinion on something I don't think (or it can't) wait for 3 more days until he is "stress-free" (his weekend). It doesn't go well sometimes, because of course, he feels like it is "one more thing" I'm dumping on him when he is unable to DO anything about it right then. I have come to realize that when I do that, I am unintentionally setting him up to fail. Not reality, but that is likely his perspective. Men like to DO things to FIX problems. Not mull over and consider the options for a week. So if I let him in on something that is coming up 2 weeks from now, but WILL be an issue, then it adds pressure to "fix" whatever it is right THEN. KNOWING that it won't be able to be done until later. Which just sorta tends to make a guy feel impotent. That's how they behave anyway.
Maybe if we preface the "information" with something like:
I don't expect this to be done right now, but I wanted to just let you know that this is going to be coming up soon, and we can figure it out later. Just didn't want it to be a "surprise".. and then share whatever it is. It seems to be received a bit better.

And no, my husband doesn't always respond that way, only when he is still very stressed from work or has a quick turnaround (gets home late like 10pm and goes in early the next day-gets up at 5:30 to go right back to work). Other times, he is the most wonderful husband! :)

My husband has been in Europe going on TWO stinking weeks. I have to say that I am the snippy one and it comes from frustration, not him. So, don't take it personal, seriously...his filter isn't as good as yours when dealing with things that promote stress. Geez, I don't want my son to have that trait...I will make an effort to strengthen my filter :) He's probably doing dinners and meeting that he's not really into and just wants to come home. That's how my husband feels right now. I'm sure he misses my snippiness in person ;) LOL!

Maybe if you look at it from his point of view you won't be as upset? He is spending this time without you guys. He doesn't get see what you guys are up to. Maybe he would rather be with you guys instead of away from you guys?

My husband works out of town Mon thru Fri and I used to get these feelings as well. "You get to be done with work and just relax or go have a few drinks with the guys while I get to be done with work, come home, cook, clean, bath the kids, etc.... It is not fair". Until my husband just yelled at me one day and said "Do you think I would rather be out here everyday with out you guys then with you guys!" Once he said that it was like "oh ya.. he is scraficing his time away from us to help us/our family".

I hope you have a better weekend and hope you feel better.

M. H, I can honestly say that I am the one that reacts badly when stressed. There have been 1 or 2 times in the past when husband has called me at a bad time, when I am super stressed, and I have been snippy or rude to him. When this happened, he promptly hung up on me. My lesson was learned. I no longer answer the phone if I am in the middle of juggling 10 things. I am much better now at just taking a time out in the bathroom instead of being rude to the person I love. Anyway, my point is- don't let him treat you this way. Tell him, "I know you are stressed, but I feel that you are taking it out on me", or if needed, hang up on him. Show him you will not tolerate it. We don't let our kids speak to us that way. If it continues, a long talk or counseling may be in order, but start by just telling him to knock it off.

Hi. M. h. 1st, sorry you are sick. 2nd, you are so wise and think you answered your own questin. he is probably stressed and does not know how to say "i am stressed." men can be like that :) So please don't take it personally.

and i know when i am sick, things seem bigger than they are. Hang in there. try to do nice stuff for you as well! and next time your husband a bit over reacts, you can say to him maybe "sounds like you are stressed...sorry...how can i help"...maybe to deflate it????

hope this helps. jilly

I feel you about being sick and working. I too had strep throat and a sinus infection this week and made the mistake of going to an urgent care that is one of my clients....more work at 9pm!

Traveling for work is hard and stressful, even if there is time off in between it is still work. I have been to some amazing places but I get really sick of 15-16 hour work days and not feeling like I have any control at home. What can I do if the cat is sick and I'm 3,000 miles away??? I bet he is upset about the cost and would rather be with you and the kids in his own bed.

He's stressed. He sounds like my husband too. I'd give him a break and remind yourself tha you are right - he's not mad at you. He's likely stressed that there are house repairs and you're sick and now there are car repairs? There is only so much money and he likely feels like he's not able to make it all happen and that makes him upset. If it were me, I'd not call him and let him just call you. I'd give him time to cool off. He can't help you with the kids while you're gone, so there's no sense in telling him about all your troubles.