I doubt anyone can answer this but if anything it will give you some idea how odd my problems are. About four an a half years ago my mom died of Alzheimer's. About four years ago my dad married the oddest woman on earth!! I cannot capture in one post all the oddities but she makes my dad happy and at 85 years, I think happy is good. She cannot cook or clean, she thinks she has a green thumb, it is black as death!
So we have them over here a lot. We started out with my usual MO, disposable everything. Cook amazing food, throw away the dishes. But she kept fishing the plates out of the trash and washing them and they were not plates you can wash. Real plates right? Then she started bringing these foam plates that were weaker than a one ply paper plate....and fishing those out of the trash and washing them! So then my wonderful husband found that crystal plastic plates from Costco!! Love that guy.
That worked for about a month. Two problems, when you wash them over and over they start to crack and of course people throw them away so she still goes through our trash.
So the current problems,
Real plates she brings cheap plates that can't hold the food.
She will go through the trash.
If you take the bag to the rolling dumpster she will go through all the bags in the dumpster.
Dad thinks it is cute and doesn't nothing to stop it.
She thinks we are joking when we say we got this.
Oh and as an added bonus she is killing my garden! Well trying, it is a big garden.
How do I get this twitchy woman to relax and enjoy the evening out? Not having them over is not an option, I love my dad and only get to see him in the summer.
Yeah, odd question.... I am sure I missed something
Rose I have some very cool neighbors that would completely understand.
Mamazita, maybe I could sell her on serving on banana leaves is exotic. Only problem is she would try to plant them in the yard and I would go nuts again.
2Kid, there are nine of us but not the problem. She hated us loading up the dishwasher, why I have no idea, so she brought the crappy plates and tried to wash them. I cannot get mad, that stupid smile my dad has stops it in the tracks. Still I have my older kids watching her. I hope they don't have kids anytime soon cause they suck at watching her. All I want is hey mom, she is at it again, nope, they just laugh.
Doris, she was 61 when dad met her, never been married, never really maintained a home, just pretty much an old lady with no skills and doesn't really remember things without her rose colored glasses. An example, her family is from Iowa and had a farm. She remembers her mom propagating plants from branches or leaves. She forgot that the process uses a lot of water and even more attention so she breaks off branches from my plants and sticks them in the ground and thinks they will grow. She just lacks all home making skills and my dad typical for his age doesn't know any better so thinks she is great! I know they are just plants but I am usually outside protecting the garden.
Oh Cat, you should have seem my birthday party. My husband begging me and the kids to get her out of the kitchen so he could cook without her throwing stuff in the pots and adding things to what is going outside. I forgot about that, which is why we have everything on the grill before they come over now. Didn't matter what he was cooking, she would go in the spice pantry and put something in there that didn't belong. I think part of it is that my dad wants to believe she is so creative but she is just not! So she does creative things that are just gross.
We tried everything with the real plates. Let her wash, not wash, she just seems to have a lot of twitchy energy. Then she started bringing her own foam plates that can't be recycled and don't hold food well and insisted we use them. Which is how this whole better disposable plates thing started. It is like she doesn't know what to do with herself so this is where she directs her energy. She knows we recycle everything which is why we stick with plates that can be recycled. We even tried letting her rinse the thick paper plates we used to use and toss them in our recycle bin.
Maybe I should teach her how to knit!?
I generally just smile, I am used to odd people but she needs to stay out of the trash and rolling dumpster. I don't want her spreading bacteria...hum, maybe I should point out the bacteria issue, haven't tried that yet.
B, I think the plant thing is born of her wanting to be a part of the family and we are all gardeners. I have pictures of my kids at two years of age like little vampires with tomato running down their chins. She wants to garden and I try to passively teach her but she feels like at her age she should know so she kind of wings it on fuzzy memories. She grew up in Iowa but lived her adult life in Miami Florida. Even I couldn't properly garden down there.
Tadpole, she doesn't drink, oddly she is a health nut, like a nutty approach to health not that she is actually healthy which makes the dumpster diving a real head scratcher.
Girlie, I shared this so others could laugh. I am not miserable, it is kind of like a jacked up Easter egg hunt. We have to find where she puts the things she thinks are clean. Clean what still needs to be cleaned. Throw away the damaged plates. It really is a small price to pay for my dad to be happy and see my kids. Every Sunday night I am shaking my head and laughing.
Buy a cheap trash can to set next to the regular trash. Then tell her all the plates go in there, you'll have the kids wash them later. Like using the recycle bin. Then throw them away after she leaves.
I think I may know of a solution to the plates situation - Have you tried snapping the plates in half or tearing them? Once she realizes that they are definitely unable to be re-used, maybe she'll pick a different oddity which does not include going through the trash. :)
She sounds quirky and interesting! Best of luck!
You win. This is definitely the oddest situation ever! I have lots of opinions, but honestly, I have no idea what to do here!!
You absolutely win.
Maybe serve all 'foods that can be pricked' - and give everyone several toothpicks and a napkin?
I am thinking meatballs of all flavors...
Weenies...
fondue of all kinds (longer forks...more napkins)
Shish K bobs (Also longer skewers)
Cheese and pepperoni???
You get the idea to be sure.
I am just glad she outs a smile on your dad's face.
Priceless at ANY age.
More so at his!
((((hugs))))
***just cause *I* know you will hate that!
(and LOL too! ;)
I have an odd question for you (if it isn't too personal). Have you been to their place? If not, you may want to do a "welfare check" just to see the environment your dad is currently living in. I, personally, would have concerns with hoarding and/or Alzheimer's issues - which would likely show up in how clean/organized their living situation is. Just a suggestion . . .
Good luck and have a great day!
You know how lots of places have segregated trash bins now? You know, one for aluminum cans, one for glass recycle-ables, and one for actual trash? Do something like that, only label one specifically for "Disposable Plates- Only." Then, she won't have to dumpster dive at all, she can just pull the plastic bag out of your designated bin at the end of the evening and be on her way. Win-Win for everybody. Right? --
Or you tell her that you/your kids will wash everything later, and SEE? ! You've got it all set up so that they are separated, so no need to pull them out... you've got it handled! You didn't realize how wasteful you were being before (headsmack) but now that you do, you are ON IT. See? Just drop the plates in there (designated specialty bin). Scrape the food into the "real" trash and drop the plates in here. We'll wash them tomorrow.
After she leaves, toss them and put out more of the same kind the next time. :)
Walmart has some lovely melamine plates with pretty colors and such for the summer. I'd get a set with some matchy match serving stuff. Gush over how much you love then and are excited to use them for your summer meals. (Yes, yes, I know that's not really your thing, but whatevs). If she brings over foam plates, just put them away and again mention how excited you are to use the pretty plates and save money by not using styrofoam (which can't be recycled). If she wants to wash dishes, let her wash the real ones.
As for the garden? Sprinkle Seven dust everywhere and tell her that she can't touch it. :-)
OK ... I don't fully get why you're using disposable plates at all. Is this your idea or hers?
If she doesn't want to toss plates, why not use regular (non-disposable) plates?
I have lots of older relatives who do not like tossing out anything - they will wash it and put it away. I think some of it has to do with the older generation - waste not/want not. My mother will wash my empty yogurt containers - she would just assume I will use them later (to store leftovers, or for paint, etc.).
My friends' mom (80+) does the same. Goes through her trash at times if she sees something go in that she feels is wasteful. Some of it could be the start of senility but remember that generation often feels we are a throw away society.
It is extreme - yes, completely - and odd.
A good friend of mine had her mom go through the garbage bin in bathroom and separate out the Kleenex to throw in compost bin. She is older too. How gross is that?
So - if it were me ... I would switch to using regular plates (maybe she's trying to send you a hint .. that she finds it wasteful, who knows....) if you haven't already. Second, I would tell her please don't go through our trash.
Maybe you're being a little too 'nice' or indirect. How about - you know, I'd really prefer you did not go through our trash/waste. It bothers me - although I'm sure you mean well. Can we please have that stop.
I am sure your father would not be offended and if she is, well ... it's not like it's an irrational or rude request. Make you sure you add you are sure she's trying to be helpful, but you would prefer .... unless you do that, it's likely to continue.
Good luck :) Definitely odd for sure - but glad she makes your dad happy! I guess in the end, that's all that matters.
LOL, this post is cracking me up.
I suppose you've tried having her stack the disposables in the sink and then waiting until she's gone to pitch them?
I can relate a bit, my MIL doesn't know how to sit still. She truly doesn't know how to relax, and this woman may be the same. Early in our marriage, I was bothered by it (as an example, once my DH hadn't used the trimmer after the most recent mowing, and she decided to trim the grass along a flower bed with scissors, once she rearranged all the food in my pantry because it didn't match the organizational scheme she uses at her house and she couldn't find things (meanwhile, after she did it, I couldn't find anything)).
I've tried to head this off by asking her help with specific things. For example, she adores the kids, so if I'm trying to cook, I ask her to help me by taking them for a walk. It really is a help, because it gets them out from under my feet (and then she's not under my feet in the kitchen either). With your dad's wife, since she thinks herself a gardener, could you set aside a little plot of ground and ask her to help you by planting something specific there? And each time she comes over, she could tend to that plot (and maybe she'd stay out of your bigger garden). Or, could you ask her to make one specific side dish when she comes to your house so she feels part of the group, contributing to the cooking, but she's more contained by working on 'her' dish?
Hmm, I'll try to think of other specific things you might ask her to 'help' with, that will give her a purpose and a way to keep busy when she comes to your house.
Since she likes washing plates I would use real ones and let her wash them. I know you are miserable but this is a funny story. I got my good laugh for the day. Thank you.
Try ditching the plates next time and see what happens?
You know, serve them a burger or a pulled pork sandwich or burrito or some other handheld food without a plate, just wrapped in foil or a napkin?
Yeah, yeah, I know this isn't a real solution (what about the veges, the salad, the sides!) but it might be fun to see how she reacts, and whether or not she finds another reason to snoop through your trash.
Yeah, having someone go through my trash would bug me to no end.
Guess you'll have to use real plates and let her wash the dishes when she comes over.
Some plants you can grow from cuttings but many don't work that way.
Why does she want to start new plants if the old ones are fine (at least until she starts pulling them apart)?
Maybe at least some of the time you could take them out to eat - she won't go through a restaurants trash and pick apart their plants (I hope).
I think she might be coming down with a senility issue of her own.
Do you think it might help to give her a task to keep her busy so she stays out of everyone elses way?
Perhaps you could have her grow some African violets.
She can become the family expert on it.
She can propagate them from leaves.
ETA - Your SWH is hysterically funny, J! What a mess!
Original:
Oh wow. What a story, J.! Are you sure that she doesn't have Alzheimer's too? (I mean that in a respectful way, honestly.) This really sounds like it.
Play a "game" with her. Do a word memory game. Ask her to remember 3 words. Then have her draw a clock face and tell her to make the hands show a quarter to 3. Then ask her what the 3 words were.
If she can do these perfectly, then it's not Alzheimers (well, not yet.) And then I guess I'd just use new crystal plastic plates every other time.
I guess if it is just the 4 of you why not just use your real plates and then stick them in the dishwasher? She sounds very quirky. You are going to need a lot of patience with her!
Use real plates?
Let her wash them and wait til she's gone to throw them away?
Why on Earth is she bringing paper/foam plates to your house for dinner? Yeah. That's odd.
I'm not going to read through all the responses but since you said you have a large garden could you section off a small part and have it be "hers" just say we all know how much you like to garden so we created a special little space just for you. Then she can go and tend to her area while she is there? Anyone digging through the garbage would freak me out.
give her so much wine that she can't dig the trash and does mot care where the plates go..lol
or try having a heart to heart about not touching the garden so it can grow and staying out of the trash cuz its icky
I would go absolutely crazy if someone were fishing through my trash and washing disposable plates. Therefore, I would either take the trash really, really far away where she can't find it (or maybe a friendly neighbor's trash?), or I would find the most durable disposable plates ever made, or I would use regular dishes. To me the latter seems easiest. Do you have a dishwasher?
Like I really, really, would go crazy if someone were digging through the trash. That's gotta stop.
I have no suggestions about the garden. At least if she's out digging in the garden she's not digging through the trash.
People have some weird idiosyncrasies.
Recently I got to visit with my cousin who I had not seen in many years. We went to dinner and reminisced about our wonderful childhood times. She remembered that my grandmother washed the paper (foam) plates, which I thought was totally normal for the time. I certainly don't do it now, but at the time it all seemed so normal.
Maybe your kids will sit down and remember the craziness in such a wonderful way that my cousin and I did. I hope so, because it was a blast.
Maybe get some reusable plastic ones? Target, Ikea, even Walmart have some that are cheap but will hold up to multiple washings and it wouldn't be horrible if one accidentally got thrown away.
Maybe you can buy them and then drop them off with your dad and suggest he/they bring them so it's their idea??
I like the idea of giving her a section of your garden to toil.
Overall I think you sound very nice and patient. I'd be super annoyed by all this business!
Stop using disposible and let her do the dishes. If she doesn't do them well then take them out of the cabinet when she leaves or goes to bed and run them through the dishwasher.
My mom was the same way. I tried and tried and tried to explain to her that we bought them to throw away. She never stopped.
It's really not worth fretting over. Just use regular dishes and let her go to it after the meal. At least she's not digging in the trash again.
I imagine she's OCD and can't stop herself from going to get them.
omg, omg, i'm flinching and twitching just reading this. my situation is different in that the woman involved doesn't have these same issues, but the overall similarities are too close for comfort- lost little mumsie, dad found another woman almost immediately, very happy that he is happy and not dying of loneliness, but geez, she makes my nervous system light up.
my solution is to limit contact. be very very warm and wonderful when it happens, but knowing that my well is shallow, i don't over-use it. i love YOU for being so much more open and welcoming and putting your dad first.
no clue how to deal with it, though, as i'm clearly lacking in these skills. will be reading your responses avidly to try and figure it out.
khairete
S.
um seriously bag them in a grocery bag and toss them in your bedroom or under your sink till they leave
Awe! This (kinda) reminds me of my Grandmother.
Is she as old as your dad? Please try to remember that if she is, this is the generation that lived thru or were raised by those that lived thru the Great Depression!! Cut them some slack!
Waste not want not. Was one of my grandmothers favorite sayings.
She bought generic everything and would wash the styrofoam bottom that the raw meat comes in and use it as the dog bowls or to wrap leftovers in! HA!
Good Luck!
Sometimes you just need to grin and bare it.
Maybe she didn't have much growing up or as an adult so she still feels that she needs to save things (like crappy plates). As for the plants, I would get her a gardening book on which plants can grow from branches and which ones can't.
If it really bothers you having her in your garden then ask her politely to stop. There must be some nice things about this woman or your father wouldn't have bothered with her. Try looking for positives and not the negatives.
I think we all have some things about us that others would consider strange.
Get sunday dishes. Let her hand wash & dry. put them through the dishwasher after she leaves.
As for the garden, I like the idea of "giving" her her own plot.
Best,
F. B.
