Obligations

If she were my daughter I'd say she has to babysit , she was the one who offered so that's it , kids have to learn that it's not easy come easy go...there I'd be the mean mom aswell ruining her life!!lol

I am a firm believer is sticking to commitments.

If my daughter made a commitement to babysit, I would not let her out of it. Explain that people are counting on her because she commited herself to do this. It would not be fair to the parents who are looking forward to this event "child free" and it would not be teaching her a very good lesson to let her back out at the last minute.

Now, if you have time to get someone else to watch the kids, then that might be a different story.

It's a good lesson for her in planning/scheduling. She made a commitment! She cannot cancel nor should she just because she got a better offer.

She will be disappointed and try to blame you. Do not let her.

This is a life lesson teaching opportunity for you. These don't come along so often and as your pre-teen is entering into teenage/adulthood, I think that this one of those boundary lessons. You can't commit to something and then back out because something more attractive comes along. This is about integrity of your word and learning that once a commitment is made that you should really stick by it. But this (obviously) is totally up to you.

Your daughter needs to keep her commitment. Honestly, It's a good lesson on how to plan ahead and to keep your commitment. My husband has a quote "Be a person of your word, because your word will always stand out." If your daughter made a commitment to babysit your event, it's a good lesson to teach her. What if she had made a babysitting commitment to a family at their house. She couldn't call and cancel her job there, this is no different.

I agree with the Moms who say she needs to fulfill her obligation. We had a similar situation recently in which both my husband and I were running a 1/2 marathon. Our neighbor's daughter has been asking if she could babysit and start getting experience, so we thought this was the perfect opportunity and gave her several weeks of notice.

I was talking to her mom outside a few days earlier, and she mentioned that the daughter had been invited to a birthday party the night before. We needed her at our house at 5:45 am to be at the race on time. Her mom (this totally surprised me) told her she'd made an obligation and needed to keep it.

It's a great life lesson, and one I'd strongly encourage you to let her learn.

Good luck!

It's not a mean mom at all. She wanted to do something, committed to doing something, and now something 'better' has come along. You are giving her a gift by letting her do what she knows is the right thing to do. She will feel better about herself in a deep way because she is keeping her conscience clean. And it is not just about one dance and one commitment - by keeping this commitment, she will be stronger the next time - and there will always be a next time.

You can give your daughter the language to talk to her friend about doing the same thing.

Good job!

We aren't raising children, but children to become responsible, caring adults whose can be trusted.

e

I love the answer from the mom (Rhannie Q.) who suggested sitting down and helping HER make the decision by listing out the positives of each. Especially reminding her that she might get more babysitting out of this gig. Life isn't about hard and fast rules, but about responsible decision making. By getting her to really think about the costs and benefits, and having her help "find" the replacement if she does decide to back out, you are teaching her to make decisions like an adult - something that will really help her in the future.

Great chance to introduce your daughter to life lessons :D Sit her down to discuss the situation. Explain that there will always be social obligations and work/study obligations to choose from and your choices will reflect the type of person you are to the people around you and those who are relying on you. Let her know that this is a great chance to start learning how to make well thought out choices.

Have her list her reasons for originally volunteering to watch the kids. Then give her a chance to list out what she'll get from going to the dance and find out if there are any other dances coming up soon. Have her think about the reactions people will have for her backing out on each event (your guests are expecting HER to look after the kids and this could lead to more chances to babysit) and (whatever her friends will possibly say). Discuss how she should back out of both situations (a call to her friend that she won't go to the dance VS maybe a note to your guests that she's sorry that she was not able to care for their children, but was able to get your husband to do it & have HER ask your husband to cover her "shift").

Then after you talk, tell her you will support her with any decision she makes, but you want her to make a choice that is well thought out for her, not just "going with the flow" and ask her to give you an answer by x time. When she gives you her answer, remind her to follow through on whichever "back out" plan applies.

Gerri,
I would definitely sit down with her and explain her that a commitment is a commitment and that plans were made based on her doing a task/job. This is the way life is, sometimes we have to compromise and when we give our word, we have to keep it. She is old enough to understand that, although she may not agree with you. But if I was you I would ask her to keep her word and be there with the children.
After your night is done and everyone is gone and if she did a good job at it I would give her at least $10.00 for being responsible and keeping to her first commitment.
Blessings

Her friend was suppose to be helping your daughter but has bailed on her for a dance? Your daughter is only 12. There will be plenty of other dances in her future. If I were your daughter I'd have to think about how good this friend was for changing her mind about HER obligations. The baby sitting is a good experience for her (and grown ups are near by if she needs help). It could also help build her customer base when she wants to earn some money in the future. A good baby sitter is worth her weight in gold! You are not a mean Mom. Her friend is not a great friend. Have her baby sit this time.

Of course she can not go~ she made a commitment to do a job and she has to follow through. She has to know in life that she can't just back out of things, because something better comes along.
This is a big life lesson and it is better she start to learn it now. She may be upset or mad, but you aren't her friend, you are her parent and it is your job to teach her how life works and what right from wrong is. Then when she becomes and adult you have given her the tools to be a strong woman and be successful in life! There will be more dances....

In the past has she always kept to her word when she said she would do something or is there a pattern of her shrugging off commitments? If it is a first for her then I would say let her go to the dance. Obviously they don't come around often if the last one was a year and a half ago. If she has a pattern of not following thru with what she says she is going to do, then NO she needs to stay and babysit. I don't think showing your child you can be flexible in a situation like this is a bad thing.
(We aren't talking about being flexible on a punishment so she can go to the dance.)

She made a commitment I say she sticks to it. Teach her that once she says she will do something people are counting on her.

Your daughter isn't just flaking out, she has the opportunity to go to a dance. It was nice of her to offer, now you be nice and let her go to the dance. Dances don't come around that often. Hubby can babysit.

Reading below: Omigod moms, lighten up! If she had a paid babysitting commitment for someone else, I'd say yes, she has to keep it. But this was a nice gesture for her mom.

Mom, this is your daughter's childhood. Let her go to the dance and you guys can both have fun. Everyone is too rigid about this. Things happen last minute, and it's nice when we can work things out for the benefit of all. Is your husband really that incompetent with kids?

My daughter is graduating next week, and there have only been a handful of dances in her life. They really don't come around that often.

I'm sure the day before a dance, she didn't first hear about it. If it's a school or community event, I'm sure flyers went home or information was given out ahead of time. If she told you when she first found out that there was a conflict, I'd have made alternate arrangements for the babysitting but I think it's important to learn that you cannot switch plans at the last minute when you have made a commitment. It's part of growing up and maturing, that people are counting on you when you commit to something and you can't just ditch a responsibility you said you'd take on, because something more fun has come up.

Clearly some of you just do not understand the extreme importance of a middle school dance! I'm with Page, she should go be a kid and enjoy a rite of passage that really doesn't happen that often. Teaching her a lesson about comittment is so parental, LOL. Sometimes it's OK to change plans and maybe even let your own Mother down a little. You're family, not an employer and she is only 12. Asssuming she's the sweet, responsible kid you are describing what's the big deal letting her change her plans? Dances are some much more than a few hours on Friday night, especially for girls. It's picking out the perfect outfit, talking about it and looking forward to the big night and then comparing notes after on who was brave enough to dance with whom and what the heck was Mr. so-in-so the chaperone wearing? If you try to force her to babysit at this point you will not only be the Mom who is trying to ruin her life you will be the Mom who has forgotten what it's like to be 12.

Ooooohhh! I feel your pain! Tough situation but agree that an obligation is an obligation and a huge life lesson. If it is disregarded this time will it happen again?

I think that the problem is not yours to solve. Ask your daughter to solve it and of course help her as she needs. This will demand that she take responsibility for her actions, partake in the skill of decision making, and learn the life long requirement of how to solve personal dillemmas.

What do you think?

You are not "nuts" for asking this question. It's actually a pretty common and interesting dilemma. I think I'd be asking it myself. I'm torn between having her follow through on the commitment and letting her enjoy herself at the dance. I think that if you have alternative arrangements for the kids who are coming to your house (i.e. your husband) then your daughter should go to the dance. The other moms won't be upset, as long as it doesn't interfere with their plans to come with their kids and have someone watch them for a bit. Hope she enjoys whatever she chooses!

She made a commitment to help out. Peer pressure stinks. If you let her give in to it now and blow off obligations, what else is she going to get suckered into doing later on?

Put your foot down and be the "mean mom ". She will thank you later. You will be teaching her a life long lesson of keeping her word.

Dear Geri, I guess it is too bad this dance came along. I do not know your
daughter but my only fear is that she would be resentful if she had to stay home. I do agree that she made a committment and there will be other dances. There is no easy answer and I am sure as the mother of a grown daughter , they take every opportunity to say you're ruining my life. Even my 7 year old grand daughter has said it to me. If you insist she stay home, is there any way you can offer something else. Is there any friend who is not going to the dance? I have heard myself say so many times... "life isn't fair" Just get used to it. Hope this helps, Grandma Mary (mom of 5)

If she is mature enough to babysit then she needs to come up with a solution. Perhaps she has a friend who is available or she can work out a compromise such as her preparing some activities for the kids if your husband will be there to supervise. I started babysitting at that age as well and often would recommend friends if I was busy.

Tough one. On the one hand, she might learn the lesson of following through on commitments and not letting people down (which is a great lesson). On the other hand, she might learn the lesson of "don't ever commit to anything because if something better comes along, I won't be able to do it" (which is NOT a good lesson, but a very good chance she'll learn it in this case). If this exact scenario happened to me, I would let her go to the dance for several reasons. 1)dances are rare and at this age will be the topic of conversation at school for a long time. Your daughter would be totally out of the loop, social suicide for 12yr olds, 2) my daughter would need to demonstrate understanding that this was a one time only deal, in this case she would be letting me down, but I'm her mom, I will get over it and still love her, it would be a different deal if she'd agreed to babysit for another family - no backing out there ever - her rep would be shot and she'd get fewer babysitting jobs (and I won't be making up the difference financially to her) 3) she will NEVER be able to fling "you're so mean, you never let me do ANYTHING!!!" into my face ever again, thus letting me be strict in other areas of her life. She would owe you and your husband BIG TIME! Good luck making your decision, this is a prime example of how fun parenting can be!!

I would let her off the hook THis time, tell her this time okay, but from now on, when she agrees to a babysitting job ahead of time, she must commit to it knowing that other things may come up but you stick to your commitments when other people are counting on you.

Discuss her options with her. Remind her that she didnt have a very good time at the last dance. Remind her she made a commitment and will be letting people down that are expecting to have help with the kids. Let her know that being a baby sitter means being responsible and forgoing fun sometimes. Tell her that part of being mature is making choices that might be hard and then let her decide. She is only 12 and perhaps didnt realize the party and dance were the same night. Meanwhile the parents with kids can cope also.

WOW...I'm beginning to think the other moms are a "little" to tough on their kids...but that's my opinion!!!

Here's my thought: I don't know what time the dance starts or what time your party begins, so I will just use my own times to plug in here: I would first sit down with your daughter and explain to her that you understand how important it is to go to the dance and how much you are wanting her to go, however she did make a commitment to babysitting 1st. After that is said, see if you can get a compromise out of the situation... for example: If your party starts at 6:30pm and her dance starts at 8. Have her get her attire ready before your party begins, and once our guest arrive, make sure you make them aware that your daughter has the chance to go to the dance, however she will be helpful in getting the kids settled while your party begins, after which your husband will tend to the children. Explain to your daughter the importance of keeping with commitments and being able to balance (or multi-task) by utilizing her time...have her get all the kids settled in...taking their coats/shoes, showing them where they can hang out, getting juices and snacks, set up board games, video games and/or movies, pulling out toys, and attending to them until its time for her to leave, at which point she can explain to either you or your husband what has been completed and what is still left to do, and then its off to her dance and all is well with EVERYONE!!!

At the least you will be explaining to her that its not the end of the world, there are possibilites and most of all you are teaching her the responsibility of keeping her word and learning how to Multi-task and being a team player all at the same time!!! Good Luck and I hope this helps!

That's a tough one, bc missing a dance at the age is the end of the world and you'll never hear the end of out :/ BUT she DID make a commitment... But honestly, if it was my child, I would let her go to the dance this ONE TIME, after explaining that this will NOT happen again. This is not 'giving in', this is about teaching a lesson. She HAS to understand the difficult situation she's putting you in... maybe even have her call each of the parents whose children are involved to say she can not do it... explain to them before hand that the kids are still welcome. Sometimes the embarrassment of having to decline holds more water than the tiny bit of guilt associated with you having to cancel for her. Like I said, this can NOT happen again... she needs to get herself a dry erase board calendar and write things on it the second they come up. Like I said, tough situation. Best wishes!

As a mom going to that party, I would be disappointed to hear that your daughter backed out of the commitment without making an alternate plan for someone to watch the children. I would not hire her for future jobs, feeling that she is unreliable. As she is only 12, I agree that you should help her look at all her options to make the best decision. Why is it so important to go to the dance rather than make some future babysitting connections? Is this a reliable friend who will stick by her in the future?

Only let her go if she can find a replacement babysitter. When you have a job and you want off, you get someone else to cover your shift. Just an idea.