Obligation

I don't get it. Did you buy the headstone already and now you're asking for reimbursement from your siblings? Also, what is an 'ex-brother'? If your siblings can't afford it, then they can't afford it. If this is something that you want to do, then you do it, and feel good about it.

How you feel is how you feel. You like like you do because you expect them to have the same desires you do which by their actions they do not. My mother passed in June of 2011. My aunt and me paid for her funeral. She has no headstone and probably won't have one unless someone else wants to pay the expense of that.

My sister has other more pressing matters and our mom was of the mind that you don't put money in the ground. She too had no insurance even though I thought she was insured at the time of her death.

Cut yourself some slack. If you want your beloved mother to have a tombstone, go ahead and foot that costs yourself because it is your way of honoring your mother. A last act of love towards her but don't drag your unwilling and/or unable siblings into your desires for your mother's grave.

If you let it by changing how you consider this matter it will be better for you.

By the way I had no hard feelings about my sister's inability to pay, it was what it was and I was just trying to do the best I could for our mom. Enough said. My deepest sympathy to you. I know just how hard it is when you feel what you feel.

Change your thoughts and your feelings will change too.

Peace to you.

Money after a parent passes seems to be a common divide of siblings. Did you include them in the process before purchasing? If not, it's possible they feel that you made the choices and planned to pay for them.

They're your feelings and I understand and agree with them, but decide if you want this to always be a wedge between you and your siblings.

So sorry for your loss.

Your siblings should chip in. You are not wrong for wanting them to contribute and for being hurt/miffed because they haven't. She was their mother just as much as she was yours!

CoMoMom makes a really good point. CoMoMom, I really hope that when your sister throws that up in your face again, that you say flat out to her that she chose what she chose with no thought as to your feelings on the matter and spent money that SHE could afford on her lawyer salary when she knew that money was a big problem for you. You should say the same thing back to her everytime she brings it up. Make it uncomfortable for her to needle you and she'll stop doing it.

Now, NT, I'm not saying that you are acting like CoMoMom's sister. I don't know how much you paid for the funeral or what kind of funeral you chose. Family members have to be buried (though there is a difference in a full funeral and no frills.) I'm sorry the sibs didn't chip in for the funeral in addition to the stone - I'm glad two of them at least said thanks and helped pay for the stone. Unless the others are unemployed or totally overextended, I don't understand why they couldn't at least help with $120. At the very least, they should have thanked you for your efforts, but told you that they were not willing to help pay for it. Then you'd at least have some closure on this slight.

I agree with the poster who said to never front anything for those siblings again. Don't take the lead in anything, even if another parent dies. Someone else will finally step up if you don't. And if they ask you for money that you don't feel comfortable paying or can't afford for a group gift or whatnot, send out a group email (for transparency sake) and just say that you are unable to participate. Don't offer explanations except that it's not in your budget.

You know the old adage "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Don't be fooled again.

Dawn

You feel the way you feel, and you're entitled to those feelings, but your siblings are entitled to feel the way they feel too. And while you may feel they're obligated to repay you certain amounts of money, they may not feel that obligation at all. You can't force them to pay anything to you legally. If they haven't paid you by now then they probably aren't going to, and if you have any interest in maintaining a good relationship with your family members then I urge you to forget the money. The money isn't what's important.

If they haven't paid you back, then yes, what you're asking is too much for them to give.

First, I'm sorry for your loss. Was there an agreement on the purchase of the headstone? Did your sibling agree to this "obligation"? If not, no they aren't obligated at all. My thought is you have a stone for your mom and you are a loving daughter.

This is something that is probably still between my sister and I to this day.....

When my dad died my sister paid for the headstone. She picked out a REALLY nice one.... way more than I could afford... even splitting it between all of us, even now this would be a LOT of money for me to come up with.... and I wasn't consulted about the type of stone. She just did it and then told me what my portion was. She could easily have afforded the entire stone on her own (she's a lawyer). She still will bring this up... that I still "owe" her money.... from 1994!!!!!!!

Now, $120..... not tons of money. But maybe for them it is??? Maybe it's the point? Maybe they didn't want a headstone.... maybe they have a different priority?

I would say that you could have a conversation with them about it... but after that I would drop it. Next time you are the one to pay and get reimbursed..... don't take the ownership unless it's something you are prepared to shoulder.

It 's a tricky situation because no exact dollar amount was discussed. Also, some people would like to be in on the decision process if they are contributing.

Communication is so important or there could be hard feelings. It's a terrible thing to have any friction between family over something like this. Money is always a tricky thing.

At this point, I would tell each of them privately that you apologize if you overstepped your bounds. Then ask what they would like to do or what they could do - no pressure. Everyone has a different feeling on what should be spent for someone who is gone. Then eat whatever can't be reimbursed and chalk it up to a lesson learned. And then NEVER bring it up again. In the end, I'd rather be in debt than lose my close relationship with my siblings.

But do you begrudge having bought your mom her headstone? Of course it's right for them to pitch in, but even if they don't, is that the last memory and nagging emotion you want to have about your mom? ugh If they don't do what's right, be happy you did, drop it and move on.

You are on your own on this one. They do not have to give you a dime. Sorry.

They may just not want to spend the money or may not have it. If you want your mom to have this headstone then buy it for your own peace of mind. I know they do need one though.

If they didn't respond try one more time, talk to them person to person. Ask them if they wanted to contribute, if they don't that's okay.

I didn't do anything for my mom's funeral, I almost didn't even go to it. I didn't really like her or care that she was gone. It was one less stress I had to deal with. I moved a hundred miles away from her to get away from the drama.

I would not want to help out with anything for her funeral or resting place. I don't know the circumstances around your family or with your mom. Perhaps they feel the same way or were so distressed they don't even remember reading the note from you about the cost.