Last night my husband & I had a huge fight. It started when i got home and the house was trashed, he was home all day and did nothing. I tried to not say anything but when i was giving the kids a bath he started telling me about the movie he watched...yup he took time to watch the movie Salt ( on ppv no less even though it was free on our netflix and is avail instantly ) after the kids went to bed I lost it. I was so mad. It irks me that when im off from work i spend my time cleaning, running errands, balancing the check book & taking care of the kids. I attempt to start movies during nap time but never get to watch more than 30minutes. All he had to say was i was playing with the kids and didnt think i would mind cleaning up since its my thing. I wanted to punch him ( I didnt) I have since calmed down & i did apoligize to my husband before i left for work. Anyone else out there have fights like this? I feel really crappy that i exploded and i know i shouldnt have but i did and i cant go back in time and change it. Am i out of line for getting mad that he took time to watch a movie instead of doing laundry & washing bottles?
*Edit* I should add that i am a clean freak, always have been and my husband knows this. I Dont like asking him to do housework ( makes me feel like im treating him like a child) but i might just have to start. If there are any husbands out there, your opinion is welcome on this one
My hubby does work full time as do I. We both have 2 days off a week. I am a nut job over cleaning, i have learned to relax but now that the kids are crawling i tend to worry more about a bunch of things on the floors. As for the house being trashed it was..there was laundry all over, my daughter loves to pull it out of the basket, and throw it. there were dishes & bottles everywhere and baby food on the wall. We had a long talk last night about what we expect from each other, and I think he finally realizes that there needs to be more effort on his part and i need to learn to let things go. Thanks for all the wonderful answers. Gave me a lot to think about before i opened my mouth again
Sounds like my husband! Yes, we have fights like this all the time. But what I've learned is that if I ask him to do something specific, he will do it. If I don't, he won't. Simple as that. It's really annoying but hey, if all I have to do is ask, then I can oblige!
Yes - do talk to him and it is reasonable for you to expect him to work when off work - but you can find a way to work it out.
However, I will add that I am a stay at home mom and yet, whenever my DH is with kids the house stays cleaner than when I am home. It drives me crazy but my husband is just far more efficient cleaning. Maybe you can work out a division of labor that puts you each in a great place of maximum productivity? For instance in my house I do laundry (while half watching a movie sometimes) but I don't touch the kitchen because it just gets worse.
Sounds like your husband wasn't "winning" at being a husband either. It's nice that you apologized to him. Next time I am sure you will be more calm. Now it's time for hubby to step up and pitch in. Give him some errands to do!
Ask him specifically, if he can do the laundry, at least wash and dry them. This way he knows EXACTLY what you are asking him to do. I make a hunny-do-list for my hubby, otherwise he wont do it. Its easier than fighting about it, which we have also done. He also isn't allowed to do the laundry (dyed everything pink). Talk to him about it and ask him if you asked him to clean certain things if he would do it while your at work so you could have more "us" time when you got home. My list looks something like:
1. dishes (may be further broken down if he acts up)
2. Wash and dry laundry
3. take out trash (may not be added if not needed)
etc..
*Edit* I have asked my hubby that is why we have the white board with hunny-do-list written at the top stuck to the fridge.
Oh, I get mad at my husband about this sort of stuff all the time. Most of the time I won't say anything but sometimes I just feel like I have to. I've learned though that if I want or need him to do something around the house to help out, I have to ask him or let him know, and you need to be specific. It's annoying for sure, because I feel like it should be obvious, but apparently to many men it isn't. I know you already apologized, but I would also have a talk with him and explain to him your point of view. He could have thrown in a load of laundry, taken 10 minutes to wash bottles, and still had had plenty of time to watch his movie. And then if there is a day where he is going to home all day, and you won't be, let him know that you would appreciate him taking care of the dishes, etc.
I once read an article titled, “I love your husband”. Ha! How can you not read that?! It was good stuff. It was about a single mother with 2 young kids who works full time and strives to provide for her children while doing all the housework, cleaning, bills, etc. on her own. In that article, she said, while the rest of us married gals are complaining about their husbands’ faults, she would give anything to have a man genuinely love and play with her children, take out the trash even once a month, or just have someone there to hug her and tell her everything is going to be okay. From her perspective, we are blessed to have husbands – as imperfect as we think they may be. If your hubby helps even in the slightest bit, I would count yourself blessed. :)
If your husband works full-time and this was his day off, I really don't blame him for vegging out. Just because you can't make yourself relax and not worry about chores/errands for one day doesn't mean he can't and shouldn't. Having the house a wreck when you got home was definitely inconsiderate, but it really depends on what your defition of "trashed" is since you're a (self-proclaimed) clean freak. I'm married to one, and I can tell you that our ideas of a messy house are extremely different.
Personally, I must have married the perfect guy, because he DOES clean/fix/etc when he's off work. But even so, there have been arguments between us over certain issues like this.
You weren't out of line for being upset. From a biological, scientific standpoint, guys notice "mess" and "need dones" less than we ladies do.
However, he admitted to the fact that the house needed cleaning (he said it was "your thing"). I would let him know that just because you DO it doesn't mean you LIKE it. You do it because it's something that needs done.
Maybe give him some added incentive. Let him know how, if you weren't always running yourself ragged going laundry, cleaning, etc, you wouldn't be so tired at night. ;)
Well...it goes back to the assumption that cleaning is "your" job. That irks me. I would have been upset too. We both like a clean, tidy house and it should be perfectly clear to a grown man what needs to be done. After all, you're a team right?
My husband is like this too. He is great at watching the kids and giving me time off if I need it to do something, but every time I get home and the house is TRASHED. What the hell?! He will geek out on the computer any chance he gets and he does not think to clean up as you go during the day. It drives me nuts but I think I can not change this about him. Yes, I have freaked out on him too and gotten really mad. Maybe next time I will try making him a list as one person suggested but that just seems so controlling and like I am treating him like a child. Maybe that is what he needs though. I don't know.
Okay - reading this I feel like I am the one that wrote this! :) With that said...you are NOT alone! I am a clean freak, my husband is a paramedic so he is home 2 days a week... He doesn't clean until I get soooo angry... and then he will clean the whole downstairs bc he feels bad. I think it is a guy thing! However, when we have these type of encounters, he ALWAYS says:
MAKE A LIST, I CANNOT READ YOUR MIND!
So...maybe try it?! I have yet to try it...if it works, let me know! ;)
Updated
Okay - reading this I feel like I am the one that wrote this! :) With that said...you are NOT alone! I am a clean freak, my husband is a paramedic so he is home 2 days a week... He doesn't clean until I get soooo angry... and then he will clean the whole downstairs bc he feels bad. I think it is a guy thing! However, when we have these type of encounters, he ALWAYS says:
MAKE A LIST, I CANNOT READ YOUR MIND!
So...maybe try it?! I have yet to try it...if it works, let me know! ;)
Dont beat yourself up. This happens ALL the time with me. sometimes I share my frustration with him, sometimes I dont. He has told me that he just doesnt think of doing these things...REALLY...so he says if I ask him directly he doesnt mind, but its when I beat around the bush or get mad at him for it that gets him angry. my husband and i have many other communication issues and this one is not fixed by any stretch of the imagination. but i would try-when you are calm- explaining how you feel and have him repeat back to you what he thinks you have said. sometimes its good just to feel like you have really been heard.
Yeah, especially for a dumb movie like "Salt."
Yes, you'll probably have to ask. It sounds like he actually does think you like it. And guys often don't notice dirt and disarray.
It's not a contest....there was no need for you to apologize, however, if you are a "real clean freak", he may not feel that any cleaning he does will be up to your standards.
As for the movie, if it was free???? You could watch it together when the kids are in bed.
Is he unemployed and you are carrying the financial load? Or was this a weekend thing. What's really going on?
Blessings....
I don't think that it is fair of you to be mad at him if you have not asked him to help. He is not a mind reader, and I would bet that even if he did help that it wouldn't have been done the way that you would want for it to be done and then you probably would've let him know about that too.....just a guess......
Yes, we do have fights like this. My husband is really good at justifying why it's my job. Even in our early years when we both made exactly the same amount of money working exactly the same shift and both of us taking 2 classes per night per week, it was still MY job to do the cleaning because HE was studying for OUR future. REALLY? Get this. My husband is an artist. I was taking business classes. He told me that as his wife I had no business taking business classes and if I wasn't interested in the same things he is, then I wasn't being a good wife.
As the years went by he always had an excuse. But over time, from time to time I'd win an argument here or there. He cleaned up vomit from a daycare child once because I was pregnant and in bed sick already. I remember once when we were about a year into our marriage he did the laundry when I had the flu. But I'll be DANGED if I didn't find a bag of POT in the laundry when I was better! Let me just say that neither of us smoke, drink, or do drugs. But he had a tiny little past of doing a little before we were married that I knew nothing about. It took me about 18-20 years to get him to admit that he bought that pot!
Fast forward many years later and about 6 years ago when he was unemployed for a year...he was a louse during that time. He slept in, bothered me when I was trying to work, and did NOTHING good during that 10 months. He stayed home, didn't take up any new or expensive habits or anything like that. But he didn't contribute financially. I screamed and yelled and shamed him into doing his own laundry. When he finally went back to work he kept doing his own laundry and never stopped.
Marriage stinks sometimes. Men are jerks. But they say the same about us.
I think you have to consider if it is possible for him to go at the pace that you do. I know that many husbands and wives welcome the rare opportunity to watch a movie while the kids are down for a nap. My husband is guilty of what you said about the movie, both overpaying for things that he didn't think through the cost of as well as getting mad at me that we are paying a few dollars for something we could have gotten cheaper or free. If you believe his lack of effort on that day may be part of an ongoing pattern discuss what your expectations are of one another when home for the day and if you don't think its part of an ongoing pattern let it go and try to get back to what you were doing well before the argument
Your upset is understandable, but the way you handled it was inappropriate. I'm glad you apologized though. :)
He probably thought it was "your thing" because you've allowed him to think that by always jumping to do those things. I think he really had no idea you want to share the load and now probably doesn't know how to go about it. I think you two should come up with a schedule to alternate days/time to handle the chores so the responsibility isn't solely on you.
P.S. You are most definitely still WINNING at being a wife. (hug)
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Do not be hard on yourself. If the same thing happened to me (coming home to a big mess), I'd be upset too.
Here's my suggestion, as a person who is a bit particular about certain aspects of cleaning: break it down for him. What do you need for him to have done? (I am assuming he's a SAHD?) Do the dishes need to at least be in the sink, or stacked beside it? Would it help if he did a walk-through once a day for all the clothes to go into the hamper/laundry pile? Talk to him about what he thinks he can reasonably do during the day?
Guys tend to compartmentalize, from my perspective. I believe women are often better at the start/stop of caring for children amidst accomplishing the household tasks. My husband gets up early with our son on my 'sleep in day', and not much gets done. He likes to play with him most of the time, so when I come down, there are usually dishes on the counter and Kiddo's in his pjs. So, the talk: "Could you make sure the bowls you use for cereal are rinsed? Would you send him in to get dressed right after breakfast, please?" They are so into their 'guy time' that some of this gets forgotten, so I do try to remind him in a friendly way, perhaps the night before.
I also post a schedule of what needs to be done for our house to work well, and that seems to help. Put it on paper, talk it over with him to see what works, re-tweak, and give it a try for a bit. If something isn't working, figure out how to move that job to a different time/person.
Hope things go better for you.:)
No, you should not have become upset with him unless you laid out expectations of cleaning up. My personal issue with this is unless you laid out the expectation of coming home to a clean/fairly clean home you can not be upset that he did his own thing with the kids. Oh and the more you express your expectations on situations the fewer fights you will have in the long run.
Hi. My hubby works nights so he sleeps half the day and then by the time he gets up he has to get ready for work again, I have not been working for since Jan but we have 6 1/2 yr old son who needs lots of attention and i do not get some stuff done and he will get mad at me, and he blowing up on me before, but sometimes if he knows he out of line or hurt knew he hurt my feelings he apologizes and then back to our normal life, it will be even more harder for me to do things once my son is out of school if I still do not have work by then.
