Not Very Happy

You have a right not to be happy, E.. What does hubby think he is doing??? he needs to grow up and be a husband to you and a dad to those little boys. I'd tell him a to be a role model not an embarrassment.
It sounds like you need some counseling but he also souds like he has way to much free time on his hands.
The drinking will be his (and your) downfall eventually.
It will drive a wedge so dep and so wide between you that your skin will crawl when you hear him drop ice in a glass.
I stayed with my husband a drinker of 30+ years for 35 years before having enough and calling it quits. I felt like a doormat. Oddly enough, my children now grown, encoraged me to leave him. I had no idea how the drinking had affected all of them over the years. The girls still talk with him the boys don't. It is his loss.
I worry about you young moms and dealing with all of this.
Again, IF he will go to counseling, I would try that. He does NOT NEED to stay out over night. What does he think this is?? 12 years old and a sleepover event? Of course he is fooling around and you are giving him the opportunity by not making him stand up to the plate and be a husband and responsible father. You and your sons deserve better than that.
Sorry about the straightforward talk. I feel that works best.
HE has a lot to lose here. Even if you don't stay together, he will have to pay you child support until those boys are 18 years old. DON'T put up with his youthful behavior another day. Always tell yourself that YOU are a worthy person and he is being disrespectful to his son's mother by acting this way. IT is the only way to look at this situation.
Good luck, E.. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Cathy
Woodstock, GA

Wow. You are in a really tough situation. I'm really sorry to hear it.

I would first try family counseling but if he doesn't or won't get his act together, you're going to have to do the thing that's best for you. You deserve a loving partner and involved family-man.

His behavior is VERY suspicious! If the family counseling goes nowhere or he refuses, talk to an atty before you tell him what you're thinking. Your atty will probably suggest a private eye. You might have a good case for divorce and sole custody. If he's into drugs or something like that, you don't want him putting your boys into danger.

Keep a diary. Just keep doing the things that show what a good mother and wife you are.

I hope he grows up and gets over whatever he's going through. It may be depression or anxiety over the responsibility he has or he may be into drugs... So many things. Whatever is going on, your job is to do the best thing for you and your boys.

Hey E.,

Sorry you are not very happy. Just from my own experiences, it sounds as though he has something to hide if he's being so defensive when you try to address things with him. And the part about not answering your texts or calls because you're checking up on him is just another excuse to hide something. Or maybe even to make you think there's something to hide. Trust your gut though. Usually it won't steer you wrong. But please don't let him keep taking advantage of you and your trust. It doesn't make for a happy marraige. Good luck and best wishes.

sounds like he's got a lot of free time on his hands and you don't so you're very focused on what he's doing. My husband complains that I'm too worried about what he does too but I fixed that--I became a member of a few email/text groups (one being marriedsecrets.com) and he was no longer the center of my attention. Chat with someone who thinks your interesting (and tells you hot stuff) then go have the same great sex you've always had with hubby. It worked for me--it made me feel sexy, got my attention off of hubby, and made hubby want me more because I was ignoring his butt. I won't cheat fully on my hubby but if he doesn't pay attention--I'll preoccupy myself for a while...:)

Sorry about the jerk. But he is just that a jerk. Regardless
of your weight, his behavior is unacceptable for married man. Do yourself a favor and leave. You will save the boys a terrible disappointment and a poor role model. Utilize other male family members as good role models. They don't need to see their mother treated this way and you don't deserve this. Buy him the plane ticket if necessary back to LA. He will not change.

hi E.,

i've been where you are - it's not a great place to be. let me be straight w/you - either he gets some help/counseling/attends AA meetings and comes clean w/everything in his life and realizes what he'll lose, or you just need to leave. he's not being straight and open and loving with you. the triangle in a relationship must have 3 equal sides of love, trust and respect. i know this may sound harsh, but i put up with it for way too long and it was harder to leave as time went on. i know you love him and your babies, but if you stay in it just for them, they'll eventually pick up on it.
there's always second chances, but maybe it'd be a good idea for you to have some sacred loving space - i hope this helps -
please contact me if you want to, ok?
A. b.

I'm so sorry to read about your situation. I hope the best advise that you get is to seek therapy. At first, try it on your own. Then at some point, once your therapist sees fit, your therapy should include your husband - if he's willing. If you are too jealous or have too high expectations of your husband, an objective therapist will help you realize that. If however you aren't those things, then this ceases to be your husband's argument and now you are set to work on the real issues. If your husband is cheating, or just simply checking out of the marriage and his duties as a father, then through therapy, you'll learn if you need more to be happy and raise happy children, therefore move on from him, or you'll learn if he is willing to change and step up. I wish you so much luck. K.

i am a family counselor and am very sorry to hear that you and the children are being hurt in this situation. all of the previous suggestion given are great. let me offer one more bit of sisterly advice. you already know what your husband is doing and that he is not invested in your family right now. the process of change starts with you. before you think about family couseling, take yourself to see a therapist. work on yourself, your emotional/spiritual/mental/financial stability and begin the healing process. when you focus on the positive, your direction will be clear. don't make this issue about what your husband is or is not doing, do what's right for you and the rest will follow.

You need to suggest counseling - Ihad a best friend just go thru this type of relationship and it didn't turn out well. He sounds very selfish - you will never be happy with that type of person unless they give an effort to change a little...if he doesn't agree to counseling - It will only get harder....good luck- hsildren need to see a positive relationship between mother and father- or else history has a tendancy to repeat itself. Stay strong and good luck feel free to contact me if you need.

E.,
I agree a lot with what Andrea said. You seem to put a lot of energy in explaining away your husband's behavior when there is NO EXCUSE for it. One thing I suggest you do is to take care of yourself. You are spending a lot of energy worrying about your husband, how to please him and make him happy,etc. What about you? You have two precious gifts to take care of and if you don't take care of yourself, then you won't be the best mom you can be to your boys. You can go to parks, join a moms group, etc. to meet other moms and get out. If you don't have family around that can watch the boys for no charge, you may be able to swap babysitting with a friend (or a new mom you meet through a mom's group). You can then take time for you.
Even when your boys are asleep, just take some quiet time for you. Turn off anything that makes a noise, close your eyes and get quiet. After doing this on a regular basis, you will be amazed at how more relaxed you feel.
At this point, your husband is not going to change unless he wants to. You have no control over his actions. The only thing you have control over is yourself. Once you begin to feel better about you, then you will have a more clear mind on what to do in regards to your husband.
I just joined this group yesterday, so I'm not sure what resources are there to find a mom's group, but you can google "mom's groups in ______" and you can do some research on what to try.
Good luck and please keep us posted on what you do to take care of yourself.
Sincerely,
R.

know this- YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON. What happens in your life is yours. You can only change you, not him. Hold your head up- you'll see that there's a big, big world up there with LOTS of oppotunities.....

from: another Mom waiting for him to change