Not Sure How I Feel About This Situation...........

Hello. My MIL does this sort of thing though I am married to her son.
I limit my time with her to have to times and I am so much happier.
I went through a time of grieving when I finally realized how toxic she is, she is never going to change, and I can never have the relationship I deserved because of her problems.
Congrats on winning custody. I think it is weird that he contacts her now that you are divorced unless you all get along.

I completely can understand how you feel, but let me give you another perspective. My sisters ex.. is a piece of work. We all know he is a jerk.

But after being a child of divorce I know there are many reasons for divorce and the best thing for the bystanders to do, is to stay out of it.

Your ex will ALWAYS be your children's father. He will be in their lives as long as he lives. this relationship will never end. They love him as much as they love you.

As a relative of yours, it can be advantageous of your family members to be cordial and have contact with him, for that "just in case moment". It shows your children their father is respected by their family. They are half of him, when your family shows him respect they are respecting your children.

My mother, father and I are polite and friendly with my sisters ex. We know he is a jerk, but he is is polite and respectful to us. He has always allowed us to have access to the kids. His new wife is lovely to the children. She is now the mother of their little stepsister and so we are respectful and friendly with them.

My sister is furious that we do not act like she does. She does not think we should socialize with them, speak with them interact with them. . She gets mad at the football games, because even though it is HER choice not to sit with me and our parents.. It upsets/infuriates her that the ex and his family come and sit with us.

We do not invite them or encourage them, it is just how it has happened. We are there not for my sister or her ex, we are their to support the children and let them know WE can get along. And gosh forbid, something were to happen to my sister and the kids were only to live with their father and his wife, we would need to keep up this respectful relationship.

This is not a game. This is your children's lives, forever. Try to keep above all of this when possible.

As a child of divorce there is enough animosity between my parents, i did not need that with all of the other relatives.

You divorced your Ex. Not your grandma.

She is trying to keep the piece or keep some semblance of a relationship with your ex, I suppose, who has influence on her granddaughters life.

Keeping someone's number is not an offense. You cannot go around controlling everyone's interactions.

I think you need to take your MMP name to heart....Mind Your Own Business.

BTW, you deleted the content of the original post. Are we supposed to read people's answers now?

A different perspective here. Your ex had a relationship with ALL of your family members prior to the breakup. Your bitterness does not and should not let you hate or not trust your grandma because she happens to talk to him. What you should do now is let your grandma know how interracting with him makes you feel. You should also not disclose anything to your grandma that you would not potentially want to get back to ex, not because grandma might "betray" you, but because she does not have or see reason to stop talking to him. It's an "older person I can talk to you " mentality.that your ex has that might be the bridge between you both as far as communication.

I would be very upset if my grandmother was not loyal to me also. You should ask if its a updated number. If so then I would be careful not to get to close to her. So sad that she would keep in contact with someone who hurt you. I just think its wrong that she does not have your back.

Not sure why you posted the link to your deleted question, but I know your husband hurt you really bad, dont let him ruin the rest of your family.
I highly doubt your grandma is trying to hurt you.

I sort of had something similar. My ex was invited to my brothers wedding! (not even our mom was) It made me so angry!!!
I ended up over time just ignoring any communication that he had with my family members. I realized that I left him....they didn't...and he was still my son's father, couldn't change that. I figured I'd let my family members figure it out for themselves what a jerk he was....
it felt better to leave the drama, and not always be suspicious and angry

It sounds like you need to figure out if this was a passive-aggressive way of letting you know that she and the ex are still in contact, or if she hasn't used the number in so long that she forgot it was on the list when she asked you to look at it.

Call her, and read off the whole list, to make sure that she wants to keep all of the names on it, and if she knows if any of the numbers need to be updated. If she insists on keeping your ex's number, then I would assume passive-aggressive. And you can keep your distance from now on. But be calm. Passive-aggressive usually means, looking for drama, so a person can argue their position. Don't give her that opportunity.

Did you ask your grandmother why she had your ex's updated number? If you didn't, I don't understand why not. That would have been the time to do it.

He is obviously still manipulating her. She is obviously still letting him. You should have asked her why and told her that you should matter more to her than this man does.

Maybe you said all of this the first time. Doesn't matter - you should have said it again.

I would never tell her anything that you do or where you go. Nothing about your life. You cannot trust her to go to this guy and tell him.

I realize that you don't want to drop her from your life, but you need to say what you feel and mean what you say, with no apologies. If she thinks that it's okay for her to straddle this fence, you need to tell her that it isn't okay.

Good luck,
Dawn

Why don't you want your grandma to have contact with your daughter's father. He is and always will be her father. It is extremely important for your daughter's emotional growth to feel that he's an accepted part of her family.

Why would you want to cause an emotional break from your grandmother for yourself? She is also a part of your family. You need her love too.

Find a way to heal your relationship. Start by accepting that your ex is still an important part of your family because he is the father of your child. That does not mean that you have to spend time with him but you still do have to have contact with him. You do have contact, don't you?
It also does not mean that you have to socialize with him. However, it's not fair that you stop others in your family from having a relationship with him. Look at this experience as an opportunity to expand your ability to accept life and the people who are in it as it is and they are. Learn ways of dealing with people without cutting them out of your life. I'm talking about your grandmother, not your ex.

Because your grandmother has contact with him does not mean that she believes or even accepts his attacks on your character. Talk with her about why she's in contact and how much. I suggest that she is now wiser and will be less apt to respond to his manipulations.

Your loving communication with her will help her be less vulnerable to manipulations. What has she done that causes you to believe that she will harm you because of something he has said or done? Open communication is the way to protect yourself. When you cut yourself off from her you are doing yourself a disservice. You don't know what she thinks and thus cannot know how to deal with the unexpected. And, most importantly, you've lost out on the love and support that she has to give you.

I suggest that her having contact could be in both yours and your daughter's best interest. She may be able to influence him in a good way. If not, and if you are able to communicate with you, she may be able to mediate in difficult situations. Never cut off communication because doing so puts you at a disadvantage.

If, you're not able on your own, to repair your relationship with your grandmother, I urge you to get counseling. As you said, it will be terribly painful for you when she dies and you no longer have the option of making things right with her.

I don't know what your grandmother has done and perhaps you cannot trust her. Because you've erased your other post, I have no idea what has gone on before. I suspect that you're feeling very hurt and trying to wipe out a whole bunch of stuff in an effort to reduce the pain.

I suggest you get counseling to help yourself to heal. The little bit I read here tells me that you're very unhappy and you deserve to have happiness again. Do not let the unreasonableness of your ex destroy your life.