Not Listening and Downright Disrepectful 6 Year Old Boy

Hi Shelly,

well congratulate yourself first for seeing a problem and wanting to make positive changes for yours and your child's sake.

Now the first thing to do is to actually be calm when he acts up. yeah, easier said then done. But the reason why it's not easy for you to be calm is because you don't have the tools to. So here are two links of responses that I've written in the past in regards to discipline. I hope you'll find it helpful. If you don't end up reading it, just no these two things and google it: Logical and Natural Consequences. You won't have to get excited or upset. Just implement these and your son will know that you mean business!

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/10908830979552509953
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/11648171422332813313

best of luck.

Look at www.oneweekparentingmiracle.com. This is directed at preadolescent kids who are acting out. It has some great advice for promoting positive behavior. One part I like a lot is the three house rules: 1) Obey the first time 2)Respect yourself others and property 3) Talk it out instead of act it out. It has helped a lot with my two children, our home is much more peaceful. See what you think. Good luck!

My son who was normally very well behaved and polite also did this around age 6- and usually only to ME. It really was maddening, so I feel your pain.

However - looking back, I do realize that some of this was just his age. Not the snottiness, but the 'not paying attention', lallygagging, taking forever, forgetting stuff, etc. I think boys are especially prone to this, and now, at age 10, my son finally seems to be coming out of it!

But be sure to separate just his brain processing a lot of stuff from him actively misbehaving or being rude to you- they are definitely two different things. One- the wandering attention- is harder to deal with and you just have to be patient and keep directing him calmly and reminding him what he needs to be doing.

The actively ignoring you or being snotty or rude, I didn't put up with either. I think the key thing- the same as with a toddler- is to confront him about it RIGHT WHEN HE DOES IT.

If my son talked back to me or said something snotty, I would stop and just give him 'the look'. Then I would repeat back what he said in exactly the same tone of voice and ask him "Why did you say that to me? Why did you say it in that voice? That is NOT a nice way to talk to anyone and you are NOT allowed to talk to me that way."

I would ask him to apologize for using a snotty tone of voice and say" If you have something to tell me or you don't like something, that's fine. but in our family we are respectful of ourselves and other people and we talk the way we want other people to talk to us."

I also make it clear that I am the final authority. 'This is not a democracy- it's a dictatorship' was and is our mantra, lol. A kind and benevolent dictatorship, but still!

Punishment never really worked, although we would take away tv privileges and playdates. But again- an immediate consequence seemed to work best. I also made him write lines " I will not be rude to my mother" and just made him sit in a chair where I could see him, doing NOTHING, for a while. Because those things happened right away, they seemed to have more effect.

It's just like dealing with the 2 year old version- keep your cool, try not to take it personally, and stay calm. You're the mom- you can do it!

On March 29th, Tina M. asked a question about her child not listening. she was given great advice. Here is part of mine Both you and your husband must do this every time.

Start your requests to your son with "listen to my words." then give him the direction. After you have given him the instructions tell him "tell me what I just said." Have him repeat it to you. Then tell him to "go and do it now." In your case, I would start the above with the request with :Look at me."

For safety problems like continuing to walk when you have told him to stop. let him know if he does not follow your directions, he will have to hold your hand the entire time and then do it. Or you can give him a time out in public. Have him stop and sit on the ground next to you for 3 minutes. Do not speak with him. If he gets up or continues to act up, let him know "until you sit quietly, your minutes will not begin."

Disrespectful talk is not acceptable. Let your son know that he needs to use his "regular voice". Also if you know why he is upset, frustrated, angry.. say the words. "I know you are frustrated, because you cannot go outside and play."

At home time outs in a time out chair is also excellent.

Make sure he is getting lots of active play. Young children in school all day really need to be able to run and play, shout and get all of that energy going.

I am sending you patience and strength.

The Bible contains wonderful child training advice...especially the book of Proverbs. I also really like the book To Train Up a Child" written by Micheal and Debi Pearl.

My 6 yr old son was having MAJOR behavioral issues. I started doing the whole rewards for good behavior thing and it wasn't really working. I would give him poker chips when he did good and when he got 5 chips he could pick a prize out of the box. When he was bad, I would take a chip away....the problem was that he was bad so much sometimes he didn't even have any chips left to take away so I came up with a new plan.

I put 50 poker chips in a cup every morning. Each chip is worth a penny. EVERY time he says something disrepectful, curses, hits his brother, etc.... I make him take a chip out and give it to me. The next morning we count how many chips he has and I give him the money for them. At the end of the week, I take him to the dollar store and let him buy something with his money. It's been working like a charm, we've had a total transformation and I LOVE IT!

"Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Trip

Blessings!
D.

I have found that when my kids are struggling with obedience, that I take them aside one on one and talk to them about it then I tell them that I KNOW that they are good and I KNOW that they are smart. I tell them that I love them and need them to listen to me especially when safety is an issue. I continue to compliment them and tell them all that I see them doing that is good. I tell them that they are good but that sometimes there choices are bad. Not making them a bad person. I ask them if they will work on listening to me. And that I in return will work on being more calm and positive. So I tell them to remind me to be calm and loving and I will remind them to obey. When doing this we are both working on becomeing better. Example: "Jane please listen to me...remember you promised me to do better at listening and I promised you to be patient with you. Now lets go...or hold my hand we are crossing the street and I love you and want you to be safe" ect....ect... Hope this is helpful. It works at my house with 6 kids.

I have a very similar problem with my daughter and I am getting her into counseling. Your son actually sounds a lot like my nephew. He would also do things that would put him into danger. One time he was found 4 blocks away. They had him evaluated and he was found ADHD. He takes medication and it has helped tremendously. They have been reducing or skipping doses ove the past year and he is doing really well. I do not agree that all children are ADHD but sometimes... I did have my daughter evaluated and it was a no.
I also agree with S.C. about remaining calm when reacting and responding to your son. It is very difficult not to react/respond immediately. I have been trying very hard to think first so i do not react with the same intensity to my daughter to make a hard situation worse but it can be done.

check into books/cds from love and logic, it really helped me.

Try the 1-2-3 Magic system of books, DVDs, etc. Kaiser had us use this with our son during the early stages of ADHD. It didn't work for him due to his condition, but we did pick up valuable tips that work for our daughter. It's really good in helping you remain calm when dealing with a defiant child. You basically use a counting system of warnings and then boom, immediate consequence.

Your son is provoking you into arguments and testing you. He needs immediate consequences and consistency with those consequences.

Good luck! I've been there, so I know how challenging and draining this can be.

I have a 6 year old boy also and hes actually a very good kid :) thank goodness, but I can understand what your going through everytime i ask my son to do something or if I am making dinner he tells me he doesnt like it or he doent know how to do this and that and everything seems to be an argument. Fortunetly hes has some what fear in my husband when he misbehaves I usually express to him that it hurts my feeling when he lies, or does what ever it is hes getting in trouble for when i tell him if hurts my feelings he usually feels so bad he doesnt do it again. Good luck!!

I went through the same thing with my oldest son when he was a year younger. I was just beside myself. I actually called DHS and asked if there was any counseling I could go to. They told me about a six week parenting class. I was able to go at no charge. I actually was able to take him with me to the class. He was taught appropriate ways to handle things and express himself, and I was taught ways to curtail rebellios behavior without losing my mind! They did not shame me or make me feel like a bad mom for being there. I actually missed it and the fellowship of the other people too when it was over. So did my son. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself and my son.