Normal Behaviour for a 20-Months Old?

Hi S.,

Honey, you are closing in on the "Terrible 2's." It is subject to get worst before it gets any better. The good news is that she will eventually grow out of it. It does get better, I believe around age 4.

Let her know that that is unacceptable behavior because she can be taken and not see mommy again. I told that to my daughter when she was about the same age. I also had to teach my daughter to walk beside me or in front of me so I alway had an eye on her.

the freeze game works very well. If you can get her to stay in front of you that would be better and safer for both of you.

if she still doesn't want to listen then everytime she does the same behavior take her inside and have her sit in a time out.

Hope everything works out.

This is perfectly normal for the age group. I had the same problem with my daughter at that age. I try to look at everything from her perspective and come up with a plan that works for both of us. First I realized that I said "stop" an awful lot when she was that young, that's when their testing the boundaries and haven't figured out what is safe and what is not. I think after a while they just tune that word out. So I started teaching her "freeze tag" as a game, when Mommy says "freeze" she has to freeze until I tag her to move again. She will also say "freeze" and I have to wait for her when it's her turn to be in charge. Start in the house where it's safe, after a few days of playing she will get the idea. As she gets older you can explain that "freeze" means you stop whatever you are doing immediately until I say otherwise. My daughter is now 3 and understands that "freeze" is our safety word. I only use that word when I feel like she is in danger, and she understands that now. Hope this helps.

I think this is pretty normal behavior that you need to get a handle on now. My suggestions would be to tell her that you are going out to the playground or for a walk and let her know that if she doesn't listen, you will immediately return inside. If she is anything like my kids were at that age, she will test you 2-3 times. Even if you have to catch her first (wear running shoes), grab her hand or pick her up and swiftly take her home. She will probably cry and throw a tantrum that you should ignore. This worked for me, hope it helps.

Hi S.. My son is also 20 months old and behaves in the same manner. I just stay very close and rarely let go of his hand in a public setting. He also does not follow my directions very well, but at his age, I don't expect him to. I have just continued to patiently reinforce the importance of listening to mom and staying close. I'm hoping that as he ages, he will be able to retain and understand directions a little better. Until then, I keep my running shoes on! Good luck!

When teaching our children, we definitely have to use different approaches for different behaviors and they need to learn that different behaviors are more important than others. She doesn't need to go into time out for spilling her milk or putting a crayon in her mouth, but hitting or pushing another child repeatedly may warrant that. With street safety, there is NO waffling and while positive praise when done well and "mommy doesn't like that" when not done well is okay for things like sharing, street safety warrants different actions. We live in a townhouse community where there are cars all around. If my daughter (19 months) has one foot in the parking lot, then she holds my hand. If she lets go, I immediately pick her up and firmly say NO, you have to hold my hand when there are cars around. If I put her down and she lets go again, it happens again. She doesn't get what she wants (running around) if she's not safe.

I have three kids 6, 4, and 2 and with each of them there has been some point where they have tested me. Your daughter is testing you. I think some times people don't give young babies enough credit for knowing what you are saying. They know. I agree if she doesn't obey then you take her inside. It is a saftey issue, if she can't stay with you when you are alone on a quite street then what will happen when she is in a crowd and decides to run. Look at it as practice for the real thing, for when there is a real life threatening issue where she must obey. If she learns she doesn't have to listen then she won't. It is better to start now so she learns what you say you mean. And yes you can expect that she will not like it starting out but when she sees that you mean what you say then she will give in listen and obey. Just remember to be consistant, that is the key.
Good luck!

IT is perfectly rationale for her to follow your directions. Children have difficulty with that untilyou make them do so. There are many ways of diciplining your child and you will find the one that suits you. But pick one and stick to it. If she doesn't follow your directions, punishment happens, or in the case of standing near the street, pick her up and move her, forcefully, and keep doing that until she does what you say. If she doesn't comply, stage 2, remove her from the situation and end the activity all together. once she actually does what you say, THEN you may compliment her. THe skill of following directions, especially concerning being next to a street, is a safety issue. I trained my daughter to hold my hand as wecrossed the street. She hated it and always tried to take her hand away. I just kept at it because we were not going to cross until she put her hand in mine; period. Now at 5, she just puts her hand in mine, no questions, no problems. This is not to say that I don't have my issues with following directions, but she does know that she needs to do what I say, even if it's something she doesn't want to do(there is much moaning and knashing of teeth).

Start this now while she is only 20 months, and it will get easier in some ways as you go on with her life.
A.

None of my five kids were ready to absolutely follow the type of directions you describe at the age your daughter is... I just don't think babies this age are developmentally ready to do that without corporal punishment involved, or a great deal of unproductive power struggles between parent and child. She is still soooo tiny-- so, so young in the big picture. She may seem huge to you if she is your first baby, but in the big picture, she is on the way-beginning of the developmental spectrum.

At this age with my babies, we were doing a great deal of anticipating possible reactions to situations the baby would be in, and just having to be vigilant. We do a great deal of redirecting during this era-- if the baby looks like she might want to dash across the street to see a neighbor's dog, we would pick up the little person and say, "Let's go over there while Mama carries you-- it's not safe to run across the street without Mama or Daddy, because a car could squash you." I'm always teaching and explaining possible consequences for the impulse a baby might have at this age, because they are highly impulsive, and have no clue as to what could result if they don't learn to stop and consider whether the impulse should be followed or tabled.

All of this is a huge, long process that needs to be layered, and layered by the parents. One time telling isn't going to sink in, as the baby doesn't have at this age the experiences already in place to be able to apply the new knowledge to. Drop your expectations to way-down-low, and understand that when your toddler is acting this way, it isn't to be naughty, but rather she's just trying to figure out this world we live in. Layer and layer and layer the teaching into her life, and you'll start to see areas where it's starting to sink in. The more you turn it into an authoritarian situation, the longer the original concept will take to be taught and grasped, as the focus shifts from understanding what you're trying to impart to "I don't want to do what Mama's telling me to do, and I can make her a little crazy by asserting myself," and babies love to watch other people act a little crazy :)

Dr. Bill and Martha Sears have a good grasp on babies this age. If you've not read their material, it's worth checking out. It'll give you a very good feel for what is fair to expect out of your growing toddler.

Good luck, Mama! Enjoy the babyness of your little one. She'll be in kindergarten before you wake up tomorrow...

JennyC.

Hi S.,
I have 5 kids. It sounds like your language is very passive and gentle and now and occationally you need to kick in the hard and fast language, especially when it comes to safty. It's time to say imidiatly when the situation happens. STOP! DO NOT leave my side (or what ever the sceanario is) MOMMY HAS TOLD YOU THIS MANY TIME BEFORE, THIS CAN BE SCARRY AND DANGEROUS, YOU NEED TO FOLLOW THESE RULES! Sit her down right then and there (maybe bring her to whereever you are so she is closer to you, but punish her imidiatly) for 2 minuates (one minuate for each year) with no talking, this can be punishment enough and she will know that you mean business!
It sounds like (especially with safty matters, using the terms like, "Mommy doesn't like this", always isn't the right approach. It only works if the child is of that mind set. Clearly she is not, not right now.
My oldest child was very much like this. When he was about 7 I had to go to New York City. I told him stories about how meny people there were and that you must never leave my side, I even had to go to the extream and tell him that some people had guns and really scar him into staying close by me for this two day trip. It worked, and when we were walking to our car to go home he looked up at me and said, Mommy arn't you happy we didn't get kidnapped or shot!
I laughed, bent down and hugged him and told him what a great listener he was and how proud I was for doing such a wonderful job of staying close by. Sometimes we have to do the extreame to get a desent result. As he grew up he was still the kid you had to watch closely at the ammusment park or public places, (this was before cell phones), but we always found the information desk and checked out what the workers looked like before walking through the zoo or at the beach, or public areas etc.
Good luck

S.:

I'm sorry you are going through this.

She is testing her boundaries with you. You should expect her to follow your SIMPLE directions.

Set FIRM boundaries - if she goes beyond the boundary that you set - you MUST follow through with what you said will happen -whether it means she goes inside or end of the activity.

Right now - it sounds as if she knows you won't follow through or say what you said because most likely it's "okay - this is your last warning" and the game goes on. At this point - that's exactly what it is to her - a game. You must have set a firm boundary since she doesn't go off the sidewalk - that is proof that she knows when you are serious.

It seems like you might be more concerned about "damaging" her - by being firm - children MUST HAVE boundaries. They will know when it's a game and when it's serious.

Take care.

I truly believe it is the children's job to push the world around then and figure out how it works. It is our job as parents to set limits and guide them. She does understand you and is looking for guidance, inside the house as well as out. When she doesn't listen to you, try and figure out a consequence (not punishment, you are teaching here). So if she doesn't want the toast you gave her and throws it, say "we don't throw our food, you can try again when you can use your words to ask for something else" and get her out of her high chair. She'll pitch a fit because she isn't getting her way, so say "I don't like that kind of behavior" and leave the room for a few minutes. My son would never sit still for a time out, it just gave him more attention when I tried to get him to sit. But he did NOT like it when I would leave the room. I think if you are firm with her for a day or two you will be pleasantly surprised in her attitude! When I get relaxed with my son for a few weeks or months, his behavior slowly deteriorates and when it gets to driving me crazy I get firm again, and he's more pleasant in a day! When he was about 2 1/2 I started working on tone of voice with him and what a great thing that is. If he whines I ask him try and say it again and one day I made him try it four times and that was a real breakthrough. Now he might start a sentence whiny, hear how it sounds, and be pleasant by the end of the sentence! Good luck to you! D.

Hi S.,
Unfortunately this type of behavior is totally age appropriate. I have an 18month old and we are going through the same thing. Miss Independence. It is so frustrating but it is just a phase.

B.

Just to put a slightly different thought - our preschool had an early childhood specialist who said at that age, they are learning to multitask, and their brains are having trouble interpreting language and motor skills - i.e. they have trouble making their body move (running from you) and hearing their name (listening) and making their body stop (giving their body a different command). She said that they hear you, but at that age, their whole thought process is one foot in front of the other, and navigating cracks in the sidewalk, step ups and downs, and trying to process such a simple direction as "stop" requires multitasking, which their brains are getting better at, but are by no means adept at, accomplishing.

That being said - my second one is 13 months, and I have always said the age I find the toughest is 12 M to 2 1/2, when they are highly mobile, and don't listen worth a darn! :) Keep with it, they will learn to multitasking, and shucks, she is a girl - one day she will be good at it!

It is normal behavior. You must hold her hand.

20 months is too young ot walk independently. Certainly if she will walk next to you without holding your hand, great. But no child that age can just be put down and expected to stay with you. Don't just tell her not to run, don't let her. She's playing with you.

You want her to be a kid who grabs your hand the second you go outside. Then you can decide when to let go. It should never be her decision. Even with my five year old, if she is the one to let go (like in a parking lot), she gets scolded.

It may be a quiet neighborhood, but she needs to hold your hand all the time because that should be the standard for the park, the mall, etc. Not holding her hand should be the exception. She will be closer to 3-3.5 before she can follow directions like "STOP!" consistently and even then you can't fully trust them. It is also personality driven.

A trick that worked for me is to get a doll stroller for my daughters to push. It keeps them focused a bit more and slows them down. But if she takes off on you, stop playing/walking, go inside, etc. This is a safety teaching moment. And it's not just about running in front of a car, it's about getting lost as she gets older too. She must obey.

It's normal. My son was this age and always stayed next to me. One day we got out of the car in our driveway and I grabbed a bag of groceries and he just darted out into the road and started running up the street. I dropped everything (broke eggs, cans rolling down the driveway) and ran after him (cars came racing down that street all the time). I caught him, and we were fine, but my heart was in my throat. At that age they see something that catches their attention and they just run and see / hear nothing else. They don't understand danger or traffic or strangers. We had to put a leash on him in the mall, and when I went to ATM's (there were no drive through ATM's at the time) I put him up on my shoulders so I could conduct business without him running off or leaving him in the car.

The next time you are getting ready to go outside tell her, "If you run away from me we are going back inside." Then when she runs, I would catch her, pick her up and go inside. Remind her once you get inside that this was the agreement. Don't lecture, don't yell, just act. She's playing a game with you. You need to win.

When we were taking classes prior to adoption, one of the things we were told was. If your child keeps running away and not listening; have a friend she doesn't know come walking down the street, pick her up and put her in a car.
Then you go and very lovingly "rescue" her.
It will be scary, but then explain that sometime this could happen for real and mommy wouldn't be able to come after her. Hopefully this will help.

I've done something several a few times in stores. I will go up to a child running away from mom and tell them, sometimes bad people can be in stores and they should stay with mom. They usually are happy to get back to mom and the moms have thanked me.
Grandma N.