Non-assertive Child

Being a cheerleader is good, to an extent, but be careful not to "over-cheerlead." That will have the effect of making her feel like she's not good enough the way she is.

While you gently and subtly help her learn to be more assertive -- over time --you have to send the message that she's just fine the way she is. And you do that by NOT pushing her to be different on a regular basis.

There is a great book called "how to raise a sensitive child in a world that overwhelms them" by Elaine Aron. It was my bible for my first born. It has sections for each age group and the challenges your child might encounter. They observe to make sure things are safe before trying them, so at parties she would stay with me and watch and when it was almost time to go home she would start playing. She hated crowds but could talk to 1 new child or adult easily. She watched until she was 14 months old while sitting and then one day just got up and walked and ran. I had to rehearse certain things with her, like saying: "these are my new stickers and I like you but I want to keep them" and that it was ok to not give everything away. My daughter is now 14, doing well in school, has a close group of a few intelligent and independent girl friends, has her own taste in art and music and seems perfectly adjusted and happy. Each child is different and you cannot make a shy child into an outgoing child, but you can give them the tools to be comfortable in the settings they have to experience.

This sounds so superficial because it's advice I read in a magazine. But it's really good advice.
My daughter is a bit timid too. More than anything, I want her to be able to stand up for herself and others when something is wrong. I was a very shy child and I really want my daughter to grow up knowing she is important and that she has worth.
Almost every night when I tuck her in, I whisper "I believe in you. You're my hero", It's become a regular thing. Sometimes it makes her giggle because it does sound a little overdramatic. But some times, when I hug her and kiss her, I know she can hear the honesty in what I'm saying. My hope is that in some little way, it reassures her that she is strong and gives her confidence.

Okay, I'm tearing up now, so I'll just say "good luck to you". =)

Page makes a good point about not overdoing the cheerleading. Please read this excellent article on what is currently known about supporting, praising, and motivating children, based on actual studies and real results rather that the 'common wisdom.' How NOT to Talk to Kids, by Po Bronson: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

My own experience is that every child is born with his/her unique personality (you'll see this is also true if you watch a boxful of puppies or kittens, too!). Some are bold and adventurous, some extremely timid, some are leaders, some followers, some are independent loners, some like to carefully evaluate a situation before wading in. That basic personality is what you've got to work with, and hopefully a parent will find a respectful and realistic way to do this.

I was born cautious and watchful, and as the oldest of 4 girls, my mother pushed me constantly to be the groundbreaker, the leader, the guide for my younger siblings. What a poor fit that was for me. I remember her telling me constantly things like "Just get in there are do it! Of course you can! Nobody's going to bite your head off! Be brave! What's the matter with you? Make your mommy proud! Your sisters are counting on you! You KNOW you can do this! Don't be such a sissy! I expect so much more of you."

And on and on. I was married and divorced and well into my 30's by the time I realized I was not the person my mother "created," and have been finding out ever since who I actually am (now in my 60's). And I am non-assertive, cautious, shy, and definitely oversensitive, a bit fragile, both emotionally and physically. And all that is okay, because I'm also creative, imaginative, serious, able to apply myself to topics of interest, good-natured, strongly spiritual, trusting, able to see the big picture (can't tell you how many people have called me "visionary"), patient, and other worthwhile qualities.

I hated myself and my life as a child. Being me was a constant strain, and I woke up dreading each day. I'm so much happier now that I can be myself, and am surrounded by people who care about the actual me.

So I hope you can find a way to come to terms with your child's individual qualities. Support them without overblowing them. Notice and appreciate when your child does well, but don't insist he/she do more or be more than he/she is. Your child will very likely have a happy and accomplished life.

I think the thing to do is to recognize your child's personality. Some people are hard-wired to be assertive - with some, even to the point of pushiness - and some are more retiring by nature, but just as loving and accomplishing. You want to work with your child's basic nature, not against it. It's possible for a person to learn to be - well, not outgoing but not timid either. That may be what you want to encourage.

I bet some other moms will recommend some good reading for you in this regard.

Is your child in school? You might talk with the teacher and get some useful ideas. Some people (I'm one of them) interact better in small groups than in large ones. When I'm in a big crowd I tend just to go along (or to drop out if I don't like the way the crowd is going). With a smaller group I feel I can provide input. That happens to be the way I am. Maybe you can see that in your little one as well.

Your can't provide protection from all the negatives of the world - there are too many - but you can help build your child's confidence in being able to manage them.

My cousins... have really really extroverted, assertive, highly communicative parents. But, THEY themselves, are very shy/inward/timid and do not speak up.
It is very interesting.
They were, to many people, just so overshadowed by their parents, growing up. And they had no voice.

Just let your child, be who she/he is.
THAT will nurture self-reliance, in him or her.
My daughter was/is shy. BUT, she is VERY self-assured and knows who she is and will speak up, because we nurture her and she believes in herself. She is always, HERSELF. Not a follower. She just truly knows herself. And is comfortable in her own skin.

I too, encourage you to read books by Elaine N. Aron, Ph. D. I have the one titled "the highly sensitive child", different from the one mentioned previously (and since I have not read both I'm not sure what direction to point you). Reframe your view for a moment--if you read the book(s), you'll see that the world needs all these characteristics and that each one is an integral part to our society. And "oversensitive" as defined by who? Love and nurture who she is instead of trying to change her. Learn to see the values in her attributes and I think you'll have a new respect for her differences (I'm not implying you don't respect her now of course).

I noticed that you continue to say my child, but you haven't stated gender. People hear the words non assertive and oversensitive and automatically connect it with a female child. Whether or not your child is male or female, your doing a great job as being a cheerleader. We should all route for our children in a positive way. If the child is a male, try to get his dad, or another male figure to spend time with him. This can be influential as well.

I think being a cheerleader is the best thing you can do! That and encouraging her to try things and fail. If you provide a safe place for her to do that, then she will slowly but naturally find her own strength.