NO Whining!

When my children start to whine I just calmly say "excuse me, I don't understand you. I don't speak whinese". I keep saying I don't understand them until they talk in a normal voice. Also, sometimes how you word things can avoid the whine altogether. If my child asks for a cookie right before dinner and I just say "no" then there will be whine but if I say "yes but after dinner" then there is no whine and we both win. She gets her cookie, and I get her to eat dinner.

J.,

I know it may be difficult, but ignore it. If he whines when asking for something, redirect him by saying, "I'm sorry mommy does not understand what you are saying." Ask him to request again in a normal voice. Once you start explaining to him the correct way to request, he will understand that you ignored him because he was w-h-i-n-i-n-g. It is a habit for them. My daughter does it more severely when she is tired. Sometimes she just does it. She is used to me waiting for her to redirect her request before I act. I hope this helps.

Have a great day,
Danabeth

I tell me children I don't understand "whine". I don't respond to anything that is said in a whiny voice. I tell them to use their normal voice.

I know this doesn't solve the whole problem but hopefully helps a little.

D.

I know this is long - but I know what you're going through.

Regarding whining: They don't always understand what you're talking about until they hear it for themselves. So, when they start that horrible sounding voice, I speak to them the same way, exagerated. I tell them that's how they sound and I don't want to hear that type of voice. Then, I speak (lower tone for boys) as I want them to speak, exagerated so they get it. I do this until I know they get it. (which at 5 should just be once) Then, it's just a matter of not responding to them when they speak that way other than demanding no whining. When it is an utter meltdown or chaos (as I have 3), I resort to a few minutes of quiet time so that I can calm down. They are not allowed to make any noise with mouth or hands or whatever. No noise for so many minutes. You have to train them to do this with punishing them when they don't. It will only take a few times to show you mean it. Practice at home before trying it in public. They know, that after quiet time, they will be allowed to talk to me. By then, they have usually calmed down too and we can have a conversation. Use this technique wisely and not all the time. When you feel you are going to explode, just tell him that. Mom is getting angry and frustrated right now with your whining, or whatever. I need 10 minutes of quiet time and then we'll talk. Again, it only works when they know it is a rule and punishment will take place if they aren't perfectly quiet. You might just need him to not talk to you - since you're aren't dealing with fighting, etc.

In regards to getting things done and on time and not yelling: Girl, I've been there! Still am some times on bad days. But what has worked wonders for me is a timer. A timer works wonders! If they don't get it done by the time the timer goes off, they are disciplined somehow. And that needs to only happen once or twice and they get it! They will work harder and faster. Praise them when they finish early. Now, I usually only have to threaten to use it for getting ready. I also use it for chores, etc. I ask them to help pick up in the living room or in their bedroom for 15 minutes. I set the timer. They can stop when the timer goes off even if they haven't finished the task. But, if I catch them goofing off or fighting then a minute gets added to the timer each time. My yelling has minimized sooooo much because of it. You have to be willing to keep your word - let them stop when it is time and discipline when they go over time. Even when you don't want to. If you don't, it won't work. I still find myself getting ready to yell in the morning. Then I stop, take a deep breath, and tell them that I'm setting the timer for # minutes and if they don't have their shoes on by then (etc.) then they will get a spanking (or whatever is applicable).

If they throw a fit when told no, then there is no chance for conversation about it later and therefore I will not change my mind about it. But, if they accept no for an answer, they can always come to me about again later one time. If they don't, then I know they really didn't want it. If they do, we can talk about it reasonably. Also, if they don't overreact when told no, I highly praise them about it and tell them how much I appreciate it and that they are growing up so much and how much joy they bring me. It's not immediate, but I definitely see a difference each time they are told no.

My daughter still whines some at 7, so I obviously haven't found the perfect answer, but here are a couple things that work when we remember to do them: we say, in a tone of amazement, "Jerilyn,are you whining?" That often snaps her out of it. Sometimes we ask that question in the exact same tone she is using, just so she can hear it, not in a sarcastic or mean way, but just so she can start to better distinguish what a whining voice is versus a calm, normal voice, and then tell her we will only talk to her about the thing she was asking for when her voice is normal and calm. For more ideas, Love and Logic books are great, and so is The Happiest Toddler on the block -- very different, but both are good for dealing with kids without yelling (which, so I am told, makes whining worse, as parent and child both battle to get their voices heard). Good luck -- I know it's really aggravating!! Our daughter's whining has decreased a LOT over the years, so the good news is that like other unpleasant behavior, it definitely responds to parents' efforts. If you hate the whining enough, and there are particular times of day you want to be whine-free, it might even be worth creating a sticker chart rewarding every whine-free morning with a sticker and with some nice reward like a trip to Chuck E Cheese for whenever he fills in the 20th or 30th square on the chart -- my kid will definitely do a LOT to get all those little stickers!!

all the best,
M.

We have that problem too and we are doing what my son's school is doing with him and that is the Nurturing Heart Approach. It is where you give postitive feed back on almost everything while telling them what they are not doing...example...I like the way you are eating your dinner quitely and not whining that you don't like it. It is positive yet they hear what they are not doing. It is working wonders around here and at school.

Dont worry J.. You have realized that he has become numb to the yelling. I reserve my mom voice for moments that get out of hand. ( older kids not mine). Once while baby sitting the girl began to whine right after asking for some juice. She got up went to the fridge stood IN THE WAY and whinned. I looked at her like she was cazy and asked her " what are you doing" she looked around and said nothing shocked i suppose. I calmly told her to go sit down and I would bring her the juice. she did. Now as for your situations..take a deep breath..then calmly ask you child to do something. The above girls brother would complain when asked to do something I would explain why and I wasnt being bossy that he actually needed to read the book or he would fail the class and he didnt want to be dumb. Or he needed to take a shower because he would stink and all the kids would make fun of him and he might get infections if he isnt clean. For him reasoning was what he needed. He was about 8 at the time. Good luck.

This sounds silly, but even Dr Jim Sears recommended it to a mom with some kids who were whiners.
*I don't remember his exact words, but you will get the idea*
When they start whining at you, tell them you cannot give them what they want because you cannot understand them when they whine. If they continue, he said to talk to them with that nasty whiney sound in your own voice. Most kids will stop to try to figure out what you are doing, after all, adults don't talk like that. He may even laugh at you. Once you have his attention, ask him how it sounded. He will probably say it was silly-then explain that is how he sounds and you need him to act like a big kid for you to take him seriously.

You might try a chore chart on his level and assign a money value to each item and the money value doesn't have to be big. We did this with our daughter a few years ago and it got her focused - she can earn up to $5/week and she has earned as little as $1 for the week.

You might put things on there like:
- Get dressed
- Eat your breakfast
- Pick up your toys
- Respect Mom and Dad's decisions
- Brush your teeth

Explain to him that everytime he whines, talks back or disobeys you will dedect money from his earnings.

Tell him he can buy something special with the money he earns - let him earn some at first and purchase something of his choosing. When he sees that whining and disobeying earns less money you might see a change.

He's whining because it works. Getting you to yell at him means he has your attention. At this age, whether it's positive or negative attention doesn't matter to him. If he did not get something out of it, he would not do it. During a calm time, when he's not whining and you're not upset with him, explain to him what your expectations are when you ask him to do something. Tell him you expect him to cooperate and to have a good attitude, and that you will not tolerate him ignoring your polite requests, nor will you tolerate his whining. Then spend some time thinking about what would be an appropriate consequence for not eating dinner, not getting ready on time for school, not getting into the car in a timely fashion, and all the other things he has been using to get your attention. If, after your calm talk about expectations, he whines at you again (and he will) ignore the whining, and calmly explain what the consequences will be for him if he does not cooperate. Take your emotions out of it, and put the responsibility on him to cooperate. If he does not cooperate, enforce the consequences. You must be consistent, and do this every time. You will want to yell, you will want to force him to do it, but don't. After a few days, he will realize that he's not controlling you anymore with his whining and defiance. You can take back the control by giving him the responsibility for cooperating, and enforcing consequences when he does not cooperate. Good luck!

Hi,
I didn't have time to read all the responses but I wanted to tell you what I did with my oldest who was also a big whiner at that age (she is now 12 and seldom whines anymore). I remember that when she was in kinder she would be very tired in the mornings and wouldn't get ready on her own, so I would literally dress her myself. It was a pain but she was just so sleepy and tired (she is not a morning person) that it was the only thing I found that would save my sanity. I would get her clothes ready the night before (let her pick them out) and then dress her while she was still in bed. I had a 3 year old that I would be trying to get ready too. At dinner, she had to take at least as many bites of each food as her age in years (so at 5, she had to take 5 bites). This was her pediatrician's advice so it became 'Dr. Ornes' rule' which seemed to make her take it more seriuosly. Also, we would make everything into a race--she is very competitive so if it was a race to see who could get in the car first, she would always be the first one in. She never got tired of this game. Anything that you can turn into a game will work wonders. Good luck!

I am having a lot of success from the book, 1,2,3 Magic and Have a New Child By Friday. Both were available from the public library. I read the books first and then told my husband about the concepts. As he started to see how they work he is adopting them too. Your responses are very normal, it so annoying to have non stop whining it really wears on you. But now you have some help with some resources. If you find yourself getting very annoyed you can ask your husband to step in or if that's not possible, change the environment, take a walk, sing a song, get him involved in a chore ... best of luck.

Hello J.,

If you get any good advice please share it with me as I have the same issue with my 3 year old

THanks
N.
____@____.com

Sounds like my daughter - who can really whine, especially about what we are having for dinner! One thing that has helped at our house is my response, "You need to talk in your Anna-voice. My ears do not hear whine. You will need to tell me again because I do not understand when you do not use your Anna-voice." (I even say this to our neigborhood kids who whine at our house. I tell them this is a "whine-free zone".) Then I ignore her until she speaks with no trace of whinig. It was painful at first because the whining continued, but now she hardly whines, except at dinnertime. It does not matter what I fix - she complains. Ignoring it is my best ploy - she now expects me to ignore her when she whines and she is keeping quieter. One thing that helps at dinner is having her draw or write a menu for dinner. She loves McDonalds, so she will decorate a sheet a paper with arches, then she draws or writes whatever I am fixing. She then plays waitress and takes everyone's "order" (of course, we all select whatever it is I fixed for dinner - lol). This has really helped with the whining.

I went through this with my son. He was going through the terrible 3s when it started. When he would throw himself on the floor I would walk out of the room. He's doing it because he gets a reaction from you even though it's not a pleasant reaction. A few times he would even get up off the floor and follow me to the next room. I started telling him that until he calmed down I wasn't going to try to talk to him. When my son would yell or scream I would do one of a couple of things. One - I would say I don't understand what you want when you scream/yell/cry. 2 - I would say if you want something you need to ask politely because if you yell and scream then I can guaratee you won't get it. 3 - After the other phrases worked for a little while and he would decide to throw a tantrum or cry I would ask him "Does that work on mommy?" his answer was usually "No" and I would follow that with "Then why are you doing it." This usually stopped him in his tracks and then he would ask or do what I wanted him to do whether eat, get dressed, bath, etc. When you are no longer paying attention then he has to find another way to get your attention and if being polite is how he does it then you'll get fewer outburst. You'll even be able to say no in a store without a meltdown. That doesn't mean that they will stop completely but as soon as they start you can ask him if that works on you for him to get what he wants and when he has to answer no you can even ask him how should you ask or if mommy says no then what should you do. When they have to think about it the tantrum stops because they can't do both at the same time. The first times you walk away it will still continue for a little while after and he may even try to intensify the tantrum but it won't take long for him to realize that's not how he gets a reaction. Hang in there and be strong. He wants your attention make sure you give it to him when he's doing something positive. Ask if he wants to help you with........ He's at an age where he wants to please you and spend time with you. Well I could go on and on. I was a single mom from the time my son was a baby until he was 5 1/2 and I had to try different things so that I could stay calm. I went through being the yeller and I hated it. Hang in there.

It seems to me that Focus on the Family did a radio show on this topic. It may have been a different radio broadcast though...one thing they were showcasing was a no whining watch. The child essentially was turned away for a brief time and told to come back without the whining voice...Hope I gave enough to google with this...

Actually I just did some googling and I think this is the "No More Whining" site and there are several radio spots they did...I think I heard the Family Life Today one. Good luck! Remember that anger is just an indicator that there is something that needs to change...and the best way to deal with it is by dealing with the behavior before it escalates. I comiserate with you!

I like the other responses, but you've got to sit him down and explain it to him when he's NOT whining. Tell him he's now at the age that you expect him to do things when he's told. If he objects or wants to do something else, he needs to let you know in a normal voice. Does he understand what a normal voice is?(ask him) If he does it in a whiny voice, you will not listen. If he doesn't understand what a whiny voice is, would he like you to point it out when it starts? Let him be part of the solution. Let him know his actions are not appropriate and that you aren't going to listen to them anymore. Sometimes kids are just pokey. I sat my son down and told him that it was rude to be late, that it stole the other people's time and it would not be tolerated. If I made plans, I told him what they were and how much time we had. I showed him a clock and explained that from now on, I would tell him how much time till we walked out the door. Every 10 minutes, I'd announce how much longer we had. If he wasn't ready to go, he would have to wear whatever he had on when it was time. Follow thru, he only wore him pajamas once to preshool - it never happened again. Give him a little credit and let him be part of the solution. When he objects in the CORRECT voice, tell him his big boy voice is wonderful, and don't discount his question. But be firm about what you expect. At 5, he's just trying to manipulate you, you're the parent, control yourself and you'll be modeling self-control and he'll be better at it too!!

The ONLY thing that worked for me was saying, in a very nice calm voice, "I'm sorry, I don't hear you when you talk like that. Please go to your room until you can talk in a nice voice.".......over and over again. Then help him to his room gently if needed, and DON'T HEAR whatever he's whining. It will work with patience.

The hardest thing is -Don't yell. He's either whining because it works or because he doesn't realize what that whining voice is anymore. Stay calm- walk away- quietly say "please stop whining, use your regular voice" -anything but blowing up. Kids love a reaction-attention of any kind-whether it is good or bad. He's learned that when he whines he either gets his way or a big scene from mama.
With my son when he was little -4 or 5- I took to wearing a card that was green on one side and red on the other around the house. Whenever he started with the whining or misbehaving- I flashed him the red card. Otherwise I "wore" it on green. It was a very obvious non verbal signal for him. The whining started and I would just grab that red card and hold it up. Didn't need to say a word. It didn't cure the problem but it did help. If we were out somewhere it got where I could just say "red card" and he would listen. I also talked with him about good attention and bad attention- baby #2 had come along at this point so he was willing to do/risk whatever to get my attention. Lots of praise when he does talk to you nicely. And good luck- the whining will stop eventually. That same boy of mine is now 17 and I can't remember the last time he whined!!

We use the 'I only hear big boy/girl voices and it works really well. You just have to ignore it when it happens which is easier than it sounds. If they continue then you model what they are doing and what a normal voice sounds like and say when you use your big voice I can hear you.

Love and logic book helps. good luck

I have four children and went through this with the older three. My husband and I just started saying very calmly, "I can't hear whining" or "I can't understand you" and then ignore them until they spoke appropriately. We would also say, "You can say the same thing without whining." We would also model for them how they should say it. I remember exactly what we said because we had to say it a lot before the whining stopped all together. We would also reward them with positive words and attention when they used the appropriate tone of voice. My kids do not whine at all now because they know it will get them nowhere with us. My almost three year old has yet to whine at all, but if she ever starts I'll know what to do ;)

Someone else suggested using positive rewards for when he does the things he is told to do. A points system is a great way to start. There is a book that helps with this called The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child with no pills, no therapy, and no contest of wills. You can check it out of the library and it comes with a short DVD outlining the easy method. You can get your sanity back!! Good luck!

I have posted this before, but I know what you mean.
Ah the whining.

Each time he whines, tell him to use his "regular" voice.
The other response is "I do not hear whining voices". The secret is to not back down. Each time he whines, just ignore him. If it goes on long enough that you want to pull out your hair, ask him to go to his room till he can calm himself and find "his regular voice".

When our daughter was young we had 12 girls in our neighborhood. All of us (parents) said the whining was the most annoying behavior and we all agreed on this response to all of the girls.
It worked great.

Give him a hug and thank him when he uses his regular voice, especially when he normally would be whining.

My 2 girls went through this phase. My husband too is very passive and didn't seem to be much help. I decided to try "his way" and found that although it was very difficult at first, it has helped me keep from losing my patience many times. I grew up with a "screaming" mom and knew that I didn't want my kids to remember me being that way for the rest of their lives, like I remember mine.

You might want to try the following. I have found that it is the easiest, but don't become discouraged if you don't notice immediate changes or feel that it will never work for your son.
When the whining begins, walk away and go to another room. Do not look at your son or say a single word. If he follows you, go to restroom and close the door. It may sound strange, but at his age he is well aware of restroom privacy and although he may throw a fit at the door, he knows he cannot come in and will eventually stop. Your silence will also let him know that you are not willing to argue any further on the matter.
Applaud him when he does something well, but never bribe. I used to do that at times, and found that it only encouraged more fits.
Always hold him accountable for his actions. If you say you are going to punish or reward him in some way, always follow thru.
I noticed a huge difference in a matter of days and the whining and crying maybe happens once every month or so.
Children will do anything for attention, whether it is positive or negative attention. Receiving either of the two types reassures them that they are important to you.
Children are little creatures of habit, so it may take some time to break this one. :-)

I calmly tell my daughter that I will talk to her when she can use a calm voice (at first I would model what I meant by calm voice, and repeat what they just said, but quietly and politely). Then I walk away and pretty much ignore her until she can. Sometimes she throws a fit first, but I ignore that as well. They crave attention, even negative attention like yelling, so the most unsatisfactory thing you can do for them in that situation is ignore. Good luck!

It's amazing to read some of your responses. Here is my suggestion. (I never had whinny kids, since I would not put up with it.) I broke my nephew from it, and my niece learned from him not to get in trouble with Auntie Lynda. As someone else said. Calmly speak to him, and tell him that you do not understand what he's trying to say. If he continues to whine, let him. I used to tell my nephew that when children whine like they, they don't get to play, or watch TV. It took me two weeks, to completely break him from that mess. To this day, him and my niece use words to express what they want and need. If my sister tells them no, the get mad and go to their rooms, but they don't whine.

I have started using the love and logic method. Works like a charm. You can get the books online at Amazon.com. I highly recommend it. I used to be a yeller myself and hated doing that, I have to work at it but the stuff they tell you works.
Blessings,
D.

Hi J.,

I agree with the other moms. My son tries to whine but we nip it in the bud. A suggestion about the getting dressed for school, set a 10 minute timer, tell him he has 10 minutes to get dressed. Make a game out of it and like the other mom said if he isn't dressed he wears what he has on or he doesn't go (the second option takes a more planning because it means either you or your husband has to stay with him if he doesn't get dressed).
Try a naughty mat, every time he whines tell him he has to go sit on the naughty mat for whining at least then he knows what the offense is and that their are consequences for bad behavior especially behavior that is not tolerated in your house.

Good luck,
H.

I'm actually interested in reading comments on this one. Our kiddo turned four this week, and she has just started the "NO!" "Mommy, but I said this..."

Sorry I cannot offer solid advice right now, but I am thinking of you. We are in a similar situation - I usually turn into bad cop and the hubby is the laid back one.

Cannot wait to hear the feedback, and hope I can use it myself.

We've had and on occassion still have this issue with our now 8 yr. old--what we have found, she needs to be in bed by 8:30 and asleep by 9:00. She didn't appear tired, so when the counselor (I just called the school counselor, b/c I didn't know what else to do) suggested an earlier bedtime, I thought ok, we'll try it but it won't work--boy was I wrong. We have found that if she doesn't get enough sleep, whether she has to go to bed early for school or sleep late, she grows "horns" by the end of the day. Another issue is when she's hungry--she can't tell you she's hungry, and she will argue with you that she is not, but as long as she has a high protein snack when she gets home from school she is fine. When my DH lets her have junk or doesn't make her eat (we don't have to force it but we have to remind her,) she is a little monster in the evening.
Hope this helps. Good luck.

My 4 year old daughter used to be a whiner. It was like that was her default attitude. We finally started putting her in time out at the first sound of a whine. That lasted for several weeks. Now, it is much better.