No Support with Breastfeeding

How do you handle people not supporting something of importance to you, you ask...ignore them unless they have something worthwhile to say.

Meet her in the middle.

Try to pump enough for a bottle or 2, tell her to quit complaining, and then give her the baby and the bottle.

I ignore them. Unless someone is paying my house payment or other necessary and expensive expense, I don't need to worry about what they think about anything. And since no one is doing that for me, I can easily have the attitude "to each their own" and I can ignore and let slights run right off my back. Why? How? BECAUSE I JUST DON'T CARE WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY!

Adopt that attitude. Don't even listen - tune her out. And I would stop taking her calls or calling her until she can grow up and quit making digs at you, even if she falls short of supporting you.

I'm so sorry. She does sound immature, and she sounds resentful because she wants to take the baby but she can't.
Too bad.
This is YOUR child, not hers.
Since you can't have an adult conversation with her I would just call her on her digs.
Every. single. time.
"I don't know why you won't just give that baby a bottle"
put your hand up, "mom, I'm not discussing it"
End the phone call, walk out of the room, whatever.
Don't let her engage you.
Easier said than done I know, but you are an adult, a mother, and she can't be allowed to treat you like a child.

I'm sorry she's like this.

Truly a case of "You cannot change other people; you can only change your own reactions to them."

I agree with the person who posted that if you try to explain the benefits of BF she will not take it well. I would not bother.

It's possible that she is angry that you can't just hand over that adorable new infant to her every Saturday like you did with baby's siblings. It's possible she feels that somehow now she's not "good enough" for the new baby and your BFing is a form of silent criticism of her (yes, some people are THAT self-centered). It's possible that she is from a generation where a woman who did what you are doing never discussed it or...women didn't do it at all, and she is (sorry to use the term) grossed out at the very thought. Yes, it's a good and natural thing but it's possible that people from an older generation might freak out at it.

None of the above makes sense to any normal person and definitely none is any excuse for her making comments to you. I just mention those things possibly as explanations -- not excuses for her immature behavior!

All you can do is to ignore her. If she uses the Saturday pickup and dropoff of your other kids as a constant opportunity to just HAVE to mention BF negatively, I would coolly ensure that "This Saturday we're doing things with the kids so we'll see you next week, maybe." You don't want to lose her help, I'm sure, but if she has helped on weekends so much that she is feeling entitled about it, it might be time to ramp it back on occasion so she gets the message that your family has its own schedule and its own plans that are not locked into her schedule and plans.

It might be worth one well-planned talk AT her. Not to or with, but at, since she will not respond to a normal adult convo, as you say. Wait until she makes a comment, then calmly, calmly repeat it back to her: "Mom, please sit down. (Do this when the other kids are occupied or elsewhere and they are not distracting you and her!) I just heard you say (repeat comment). I need you to know clearly that that comment is very typical these days since this baby was born and I chose to breastfeed. I also need you know that it has to stop because it is upsetting to me. The fact that I breastfeed is not a commentary on you or anything else-- it is a choice husband I made for this baby. We love you and truly appreciate you, and that means we also want your support. Maybe you do not realize that I hear and absorb all these comments but I do. If you can't see us without commenting about BF every time, maybe we need to rethink our arrangement for weekends. I love seeing you and the kids love seeing you but it needs to happen without any comments about BF. This will end eventually but it will be harder for me to forget the lack of support."

Ignore her. Surround yourself with supportive people. If she's good to your other kids, let her continue to take them. But if she's dropping the ball, end that - if she's talking you down to them, that would be a deal breaker.

A lot of the previous generations didn't breastfeed - their moms didn't either. So often, they don't "get it". My mother or grandmother both didn't. And I don't have a relationship with my mother other than polite talking, so it wasn't an issue.

Part of the sensitivity is hormones, but part is clueless. If you can't tell her to cut it out, not sure what else to say. But you're doing your best so don't give her the power to take that away.

since you have support from all the people who matter most, you need to rely on that and not need it from people who ain't gonna give it to you. clearly your mom falls into that category. it's a pity, but you need to boost your boundaries and quit letting her needle you. whether that means letting it roll off, or having a firm (even sharp!) conversation with her that basically says 'knock it off' depends on your individual coping style.
but don't expect to find a great way to get her in your corner.
khairete
S.

My mother was also not supportive of my decision to breastfeed longer than a month (which is what she did), or any other child rearing decision that does not precisely mirror her own. And it has hurt our relationship, to be honest, because I get tired of the constant sniping. I'm sorry yours is choosing to be ugly. It is about her, not you. She needs to realize that your choices are YOURS. And you need to realize it, too. You do not need to please your mother. You need to do what you believe is best for you and your baby.

Even an immature person can understand a basic choice to stop a behavior now or lose a priviledge. Will your mother understand if you tell her politely but firmly that she is not going to change your mind about breastfeeding no matter how much she digs at you, but if her bad behavior continues you might change your mind about how close you and your children will be to her because you will not expose yourself or your children to her constant negativity? The thing is, if she continues to behave badly, then you need to be prepared to follow through and not rely on her for babysitting for awhile.

You have the support of your husband, and breastfeeding works beautifully for you and for your baby. That is the important part. And you also have the support of the American Pediatrics Association and the World Health Organization.

1. Ignore her. Stop the conversation. Walk away or hang up the phone.

2. Once you stop the negativity from your own mother regarding such an important and beneficial choice for you, your infant, your bonding, etc. you will open the door to people who are supportive of BF.

3. I successfully BF my babies (beyond 2 years) and did not have any support from either of my families. I have never had anyone take my kids on a Saturday so that I can run errands. So keep an attitude of gratitude towards your mother. Be thankful and civil and accept the fact that this addition to the family has changed the routine and expectations. It always takes time for people who had the expectations to come around. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. But you need to continue to be secure in your heart and your thoughts that what you are doing is best for you both, and ignore the negativity. Don't engage her snarky comments.

My mother had a hard time when I had my first and exclusively breastfed --she wanted to feed the baby. She got over herself.

I'd just ignore your mom. When she says rude things, ignore her and walk away.

Its your baby.
That's all there is to it.
And your Hubby supports you.
Good for you and him.
My Hubby was like that w/breastfeeding.
He even 'bragged' about it to his friends.
He was proud.
And even gave nursing tips to new parents!
LOL

My Mom was of the bottle fed generation/that is what they did.
Not her fault or mine.
But at least she was not toxic about it, like your Mom.

Just remember, this is YOUR baby.
NOT HERS.
You don't even have to let her have your kids for spare time.
Get a different routine and habit, w/her.
Or she may think she has the run of all your kids.
Which she does.
I really don't think she can think or feel rationally.
She makes "digs" at you.
And I don't think it will stop.
She is showing... her character.
I wouldn't want my kids around that.

It is hard when someone so close doesn't "get it." My sister in law was like this- she did not breastfeed her kids, and she just could not understand what it meant to me. My response- just nod and uh huh when she makes comments. Sounds like responding with info on breastfeeding won't work with her, so don't fight the battle. Just stay consistent. No, I can't leave baby with you right now, thank you so much for asking, though. When we are ready to use a bottle with pumped milk, I will let you know, and I promise you will be the very first sitter! And when she says "If you would just feed the baby formula, this would be so much easier, why are you doing this?" Answer- smile, little shrug, end of story.
Stay strong, you know you are doing the best thing for your baby, that is what is most important. In a few weeks or months, you will be ready to pump and bottle feed. It's not that long. In the meantime, have her come over and hold baby while you get things done or play with your other kiddos!
Big hugs!!

She may very well feel that you are criticizing how she raised her kids (even though that is not your intent). She may also feel that she is going to miss out on the same relationship with this child that she has been able to develop with the older ones. She may view her Saturday time with baby as special time for her and baby - not really as time off for you (she may not view that time as about you at all).

If you and she are going to disagree about breastfeeding why not try to stop discussing it at all. After all, you wouldn't discuss other aspects of your relationship with your husband with your mother. Perhaps she is not interested in your breasts (yes breastfeeding is the natural way to feed but that was not how many many people grew up in our culture and for many people it has negative connotations - both socioeconomic and potentially sexual - so just not a topic of polite conversation).

You may want to consider bending on this one if you hope for your children to have a good long term relationship with their grandmother and want your relationship to survive this period. Would you consider pumping and storing some milk so that she can have the baby on Saturdays. Or if that is not an option - bring the baby over, feed her and then only go out for 2-3 hours (whatever her usual feeding interval is).

The suggestions to stay away from her seem way over the top to me. I would never consider abandoning my relationship with my mother (and depriving my son of a grandmother) because of something that you will likely be done with within 1-2 years. I do NOT believe you mother's intent is to deprive your child of the best nutrition for the sole reason that she is a selfish human being.

You said she is immature, so don't let her get to you. You know you are doing something important for yourself and if it doesn't fit her plans, so what? Call her on it. If she is likely to trash talk you with the other kids, then say that til she can edit herself, she can't take the kids. Tell her you have had enough. She won't like it, but you already said she's immature. You need boundaries with her. It is not worth a few hours to run an errand if the babysitter is someone you despise. Focus on the people that do support you.

FWIW, nobody took my DD anywhere for any length of time other than daycare for quite a while. My mother would never have wanted/needed/tried to take a 1 month old baby from me. And that has nothing to do with nursing. I suspect this is more about her and less about your choice to nurse this baby.

I really think that you just ignore her. And try to put her comments out of your mind as soon as she says them. This precious time will be over on it's own before you know it, don't let her spoil it for you.

I'm so glad that your DH is supportive. That is the most important thing.

By the way that she is acting, I'm going to guess that you and any siblings you had were bottle fed. Although it's totally irrational, she probably sees your choice to breastfeed as casting judgement on how she chose to feed you and is feeling judged and defensive. Of course your choice is about your baby and you and not her, and you're not judging her with your choice, but sometimes people are irrational about this, moreso if they are immature to begin with.

If I were you, I would just throw it out there: Hey Mom, I could be off-base here but you seem to be offended or have have a problem with the fact that I'm breastfeeding this baby. This might sound crazy, but it crossed my mind that maybe you think that now that I am breastfeeding and enjoying it, I'm somehow judging you for not breastfeeding. Please know that this choice has nothing to do with how I was fed, and that I love you and don't judge you. If I'm way off base then I apologize, but it crossed my mind and I just thought I'd bring it up in case there is any accuracy in that."

She probably won't admit that that's what's bothering her (if it is) but you might see a change in her behavior.

If calling her out on her insecurity doesn't help resolve it, then you just need to carry on with setting boundaries and ignoring the comments. Come up with an appropriate phrase that you can repeat every time she goes there..."my feeding choices are not open to discussion" or "that comment is offensive" or "please stop saying that" or whatever. Don't let her comments upset you, but don't let her just continue either.

Good luck with this and congrats on your new baby! If she really won't stop, then draw the line and let her know that she's welcome back into your lives when she can behave but until then, her presence is neither helpful nor welcome.

So really, what you're saying is you have no support from mom, whom you see often. I am so sorry. I know that a lot of breastfeeding mothers have gone through this. I exclusively breastmilk fed my 2nd baby for over a year, after formula feeding my first, but all of my family had breastfed so there were no comments like that.

Your situation is difficult because pointing out to mom that every authority recommends breastfeeding and considers it the optimal and preferable form of infant nutrition will probably make it sound to her like you're criticizing her for not doing it for her own kids. You can ignore the digs, you can tell her that you wouldn't leave a one month old newborn even if you were bottle feeding, you can remind her that being left with a bottle would not benefit the baby whose needs must come before Grandma's. Is your husband home during the time that grandma comes to help? Maybe you can leave the house before grandma comes and hubby can get home before you, or hubby can drop the older kiddo's at grandma's and pick them up so that you don't have to interact with her during her babysitting times.
Give her plenty of visit time with the whole family where she can spend time with the baby. How much time would she really spend with the baby if she was caring for the two older ones also, or vice versa?

Whether your Mom likes it or not, we're mammals.
And the defining characteristic of mammals is - we feed milk to our young.
In some cultures where breast feeding is the norm, grandmothers can lactate (they can do it beyond menopause) and help to breastfeed their grand children.
Certainly if you can't or don't want to breast feed then formula is a good alternative but as long as you want to and the baby is thriving then your Mom needs to deal with it or at least keep her mouth shut.
You really have only 2 alternatives.
Accept her as she is and ignore her attitude - some women of our mother's generation have a personal distaste for breastfeeding.
I don't know what was being taught back then but some of them just get creep-ed out at the thought of it.
Or if you can't accept her attitude then get another baby sitter for Saturdays and see her less - then she can have any attitude she wants but you don't have to deal with it at least until you are finished with breast feeding.

I bottle fed my first and managed to BF my second and third. I Had one that refused the breast, one that refused the bottle and now one that will take both. A BF baby who takes an occasional bottle is a gift from heaven. At some point you will want to get a break, and a willing grandma to babysit is a God send too. Tell her it won't be long before you let her give the baby a bottle (formula or expressed milk), but not until you have established your milk supply.

You just don't engage in the battle. Did you have disagreements with her before now or just specifically with the breast feeding? I want to suggest that if your son is only 1 month old you may be a little bit on the emotional side and things that will just slide of your back in a month or so might drive you batty right now. You have your husband for support right now. Cling to that. I'm not saying she is ok to be rude to you. Just that sometimes hormones and emotions take time to even out. Keep doing what you need to do for your family and ignore the outside influences. Oh and congrats on the new baby.

Print out this webpage or send her the link:
http://www.womenshealth.gov/breastfeeding/why-breastfeedi...

It sounds like she's in the dark ages regarding breastfeeding. Tell her that breastfeeding your baby is one of the best gifts you can give him, and the benefits are long-lasting. Her that her lack of support suggests that she is trying to deprive him of this wonderful gift, all for her own selfishness. (She wants to be able to feed him, but for his sake she needs to realize that her desires are not what's best for him.)

It may help if you are able to pump sometimes, so she can feed him and feel like she can still be as involved in his care as she was with your first two children.

I'm going to answer going from her point of view. She is not getting time with a grand kid that she has always had with the other two. She may feel left out and expressing it in the wrong way. To maybe compromise do you think you could pump a bottle or two so your baby could spend a few hours with grandma. If not that's fine it's your baby. But I would maybe try and compromise with her maybe go there and feed the baby give your mom a bottle in case and go do your errands then come back 2 or 3 hours later to feed and head home.

Hi T. - Sorry - I don't have time to read the other responses, so this may be repetitive. I breastfed both my boys until around 18 months of age. I had absolutely NO support (except for my husband) - both sides of my family actually thought it was weird and unnecessary. I would beg you to attend your local la leche league meetings - they are only once per month and the experience will just further support your decision to nurse your baby as needed. You will be surrounded by woman who are truly dedicated to this cause and it is so empowering - I think that is why I continued for so long. you truly need this support system if you don't have friends or family that breastfed their infants. Also, I know you said your Mom is somewhat immature, but can you share with her the health and emotional benefits of nursing that make you want to be devoted to feeding your infant? Maybe she is unaware of the many benefits - it probably wasn't studied as much back in the day when she had her children. Good luck and congratulations!!

Can she still take your other kids? At least that way you still have some time to get your own things done even if you have the baby with you. Sometimes, you have to take the good with the bad in terms of having your mom help. Some generations of women just were not into nursing and she sounds like one of them. It is a huge commitment to exclusively nurse...stay the course, this is a temporary problem.

If she is so immature that she woud talk to you like this, then why do you want her to take your other kids on Saturdays? She talks like this in front of them, doesn't she? You don't want her to talk like this about you and the baby in front of your kids. You said she won't respond to a normal adult conversation, so instead of TELLING her to stop (which obviously doesn't work), don't send your kids with her now that you're breastfeeding. When she asks why, tell her that you aren't putting up with her nasty comments anymore. And then stand your ground.

Get your husband to take the kids instead.

Good for you reaching your breastfeeding goals!
:( So sorry for your predicament though! Have you tried explaining to her how much it hurts not to have her support? Did she formula feed you? Is it possible it makes her uncomfortable that you are breaking away from the way you were raised by her by breastfeeding your 3rd child? Once you have talked about it (and hopefully clear the air)--reassure her this is not about disapproving about her choices as a mother or trying to be holier than thou, perhaps she could watch the children in the house downstairs while you get some chores done or better yet take a nap upstairs for a few hours. Make sure to feed the baby right before you slip away. I hope you find a way to relate to her about this--it sounds like she has been supportive in the past.

Also-let her know you'd be willing to pump (if you are) soon once this early period is over so she can watch the baby more--let her know if you just give the baby formula though you won't be able to keep up your supply.

Talk to her. Tell her she is making you very uncomfortable with her negativity. It needs to stop

T.,

Congratulations on your newest addition!! Congratulations on breastfeeding!

Why can't you pump breast milk so your mom CAN take him? Maybe she's upset that she can't take care of him and instead of being an adult...she's jabbing you.

She cannot "MAKE" you feel anything. You are allowing her this power over you. If she's immature - why are you allowing her to care for your children? Can she be trusted?

If you can't discuss it with her? You need to shut her down EVERY TIME she makes a jab. Either by walking out of the room, hanging up the phone or whatever you need to do. I would tell her how I felt, personally. As walking away is NOT going to fix the situation. Will she change? most likely not. But you CAN stop her jabs by telling her ENOUGH. This is MY life. This is HOW I'm going to do it. If you CANNOT support me? DO NOT SAY A WORD negative towards me. PERIOD.

I would not be around her or have her around. Upsetting you and hurting your feelings is not worth the "me" time that her efforts allow. I'm sorry she is unable to cherish you and delight in your love. You might point out to her that complete strangers have more admiration and support for you than she does; and that she needs to change, otherwise, she may do irreparable damage. All the best!