No Ring

This is something, that I just don't understand. He's not willing to make the commitment of marriage, but he's willing to have a child. BOTH are a commitment. A child is a FOREVER commitment, where you can divorce a marriage. I really don't understand people who will procreate, but not commit. To me, that shows a lack of respect for what it takes to raise a child with another person. Marrying someone after being with them for a decade, is one thing. Creating a child outside of marriage, after being with them so long...that's totally different. I don't think it's something most people (I certainly wouldn't) would recommend.

This is what * I * think he said. "I don't want to marry you. 'I'm not going to marry you." If you don't want to make a child without being married, I suggest you ask what he REALLY means. Straight up honesty, you need to know if he will ever marry you. If he's not, he wants the perks, but not the commitment. Is that the life you want? Only you can decide.

You already had one child without marriage, do you honestly think he will marry you before another?

Yes, it matters. Because if it didn't matter, you wouldn't be on here asking. It matters for a whole slew of legal issues. It matters because you deserve not to have to settle for anything less than what you want. It would matter to me, as it apparently matters to you, deep down.

Technically it isn't the "ring" that seals the committment, its actually GETTING legally married. That is the key. And NO you should not get pregnant by him if you are not MARRIED, with or without a ring. Good luck.

It DOES matter, legally and financially, especially because there are children involved. You and your child(ren) deserve the security/protection that marriage provides.

Do you use his name and addres and publicly present yourself as being his wife? If so, how long have you done this? Texas has common-law marriage...I think it takes 7 years to be legally considered his common law wife. You might want to check with a lawyer about your situation.

Despite all that, he's basically telling you he doesn't want to marry you. It reminds me of the book, "He's Just Not That Into You," and how it says that a man who doesn't want to marry you, just isn't that into you. Yes, it matters.

Yes, it matters. He doesn't want to committ. He wants the sex, but not the responsibility. If he was really devoted to you and wanted to live up to the responsibility of being a father he would have gone out and bought you a ring. He would have then come home or taken you to some romantic spot and asked you to marry him.

His not wanting to make the comittment means he is committed to satisfying his needs (sex), but not willing to satisfy your needs, (marriage).

Good luck to you and yours.

Texas: calls it an "informal marriage," rather than a common-law marriage. Under § 2.401 of the Texas Family Code, an informal marriage can be established either by declaration (registering at the county courthouse without having a ceremony), or by meeting a three-prong test showing evidence of (1) an agreement to be married; (2) cohabitation in Texas; and (3) representation to others that the parties are married. A 1995 update adds an evidentiary presumption that there was no marriage if no suit for proof of marriage is filed within two years of the date the parties separated and ceased living together.

Unfortunately, based on this info, because it seems he doesn't "agree" to be married, you would not be able to fall into the common-law or "informal marriage" statutes...

You need to just tell him "I want X, Y, and Z." If he can't (or won't) give you what you want in terms of the level of relationship, it might be time to consider trying to move on in your life.

ETA: Here is the website I found the common-law marriage info at. http://www.ncsl.org/issues-research/human-services/common...

honestly, I think if he is going to marry you, he would have already. He is just getting it for "free" pretty much. I'm sorry.

Well 10 years and no ring and no proposal. That kind of sums it up. I want the perks of sex but not the paperwork. Has he ever mentioned marriage to you? If not he is not going to do so now. Check your finances and get ready to move on. I know easier said than done. You go to look out for you and your son.

Good luck to you. I hope you get your ring and the wedding before any more children with this guy.

The other S.

I think you need to tell your son that no, you are not married yet.

I think you need to sit down and think about why you want to be married. If this is really important to you, there are a lot of ways to have a wedding and a ring and not break the bank. You are asking us "does it matter" and we're not the ones who should respond. If it matters TO YOU, then it matters. Period. You need to talk to him more about your wait and his wait and WHY. It is not wrong to want a wedding before a baby, even if you've been cohabiting.

Here's my argument:
If marriage was "nothing special" then same-sex couples wouldn't be so hell-bent on receiving that legal right.

I never would have had a child with my husband without marriage. Actually, at this point in my life I probably wouldn't be with him period if we weren't married. Right now your boyfriend could walk right out the door and leave the state. He could do whatever he wanted, even taking your son with him. And YOU would have to be the one to take him to court to set up child support and visitation. Those are the legalities. Also, reciting vows and exchanging rings all adds up to one major commitment. It's an aspect to your relationship that you simply do not have if you're not married. If he's not willing to do something that he values as entirely "insignificant" then why are you with him anyway?? He obviously is avoiding that legal tie to you. So you need to decide how important marriage is to you and make a choice.

I agree with Anita B. I don't see him committing anytime soon. How old is your son? What's really his hang up for not getting married. Get to the heart of the issue. If he will never commit time to revaluate where you need to be and what your future should look like. Penelope is also right.

Hi A.,

I think you are wise to ask for a commitment before having any more children, if this is what you truly want. Some of us are fine being in long-term relationships without the legal protection of marriage, however, I think that if this is important to you, then that needs to be honored.

For a moment, though, take your thoughts away from the ring. I'll try to say this nicely,-- a ring is a piece of jewelry and does not hold any magical powers to make relationships better or worse.

Is he asking you to wait to get married because of the ring (because some of them can be very expensive) or because he's just not wanting to get married yet? Do finances have any part of all of this? This is something you didn't express in your post, but which is very important to talk about.

I've known some couples who have lived together--through better and worse--without being married. One of my girlfriends has been with her male partner for the past 30 years and would never dream of calling him her husband. I was with my son's father for five years when we got pregnant, and then it was another year and a half after my son was born before we got married. We did it because we were ready, for many of the 'right' reasons. (We had actually had a commitment ceremony with our friends present long before we got pregnant.) Marriage does not ensure one person or the other will stay in the relationship. Optimally, marriage is an acceptance of a commitment to care for each other and the family you create together. If your boyfriend has been steady, true, and committed over the last ten years, it's still okay to want to deepen that commitment. However, if the relationship has been rocky with on-again, off-again times, marriage will not solve these problems.

Just my two cents. And do be honest with your son. But in my experience-- don't focus on the ring itself. It's the LEAST important part of a relationship. Anyone can buy a piece of jewelry-- having someone love and honor you forever is far more valuable.

A.:

In my opinion? He's not going to marry you. Why should he? You've already given him a child and everything he wants...why should he have to marry you?

he's got it all 'for free' - why should he give that up for you now? I mean - really? You've been together for 10 years...had a kid with him already - didn't matter then but it matters NOW? Why the change?

You keep spreading your legs for him, cooking for him, cleaning for him...why should he change now? Seriously? WHY?

And to top it off - you are lying to your son. Really. You are allowing your son to believe you are married. So when he finds out you are not...what are you going to say to him? Another lie? You need to tell your son the truth...he needs to hear it from YOU and not someone else.

I don't get why after 10 years you are finally "putting your foot" down and pressing for marriage. He's got the best of both worlds...

Are you concerned that you are not protected under the law if you are not married? Or are you concerned that people will look at you as a bad person because you are living with a man who is not your husband?

I believe there are 2 people you need to talk to:

One being a family or probate lawyer. You need to understand that if your home is is in his name only and he decides it's over or dies you have to know your rights under the law. You also need to establish paternity in case he should die and you need to collect orphan's benefits for your son. So for your own sake take care of this. Don't think for a moment that because you are a young couple that you will live for many years.

Two a counselor. I believe couples counseling is in order. The two of you are not on the same page. He doesn't understand the need for marriage and you can not move forward unless you are married. You need to work this out.

Perhaps skip the ring and get to a courthouse or JP instead? A ring, while an important symbol of commitment to many, is just a piece of jewelry. The real commitment comes with legally (and spiritually, if you're religious) binding yourselves to each other via the act of marriage. For some people, this step isn't important. For you, it seems to be and you have every reason to want that outward commitment from him before bringing any more children into the world.

Why aren't you married already? If you can get to the root of that, it might help you to figure out what the problem and solution are. If it's that you can't afford a wedding, then by all means skip the whole pageant and just seal the deal legally. If it's something else, you'll have to deal with those other issues and make some decisions accordingly.

If marriage is important to you, don't just passively sit by and accept your current situation. It's OK to say that while living together was OK for a while esp. with a baby, now you are in a place in your life where you need to know if he's with you for life or not.

What does marriage mean to you, and to him? What would being married change for you, and for him? What about being married matters to you, to him?

This is for the two of you to talk over. Are you talking about this, and are you listening to his side of this?

Your post sounds like you are resorting to threats to get a marriage license. Never a good place to be in a relationship.

do you want to buy my magical ring-it didn't work for me? You sound like you deserve to have your dreams come true-I hope it works out. There is such a thing as an "Informal Marriage" in Texas-in my state it is called a "Common Law" marriage-there are conditions that have to be met and it can have some legally binding consequences-check it out on the web. Does the father of your child have life insurance that provides for you and your child if something were to happen to him? Does he pay for your health care? Does he provide housing for you? Is your name on the Deed of the home you live in? Something to think about.

Being married provides legal protections for you and your son. If you aren't married you need to talk with an attorney and provide those protections in another way.

Sounds like being married is important to you and not to your boy friend. It's important for some people and not for others. Whether or not you get married is a decision that you and your boyfriend have to decide together.

Do the two of you generally agree on other aspects of your life together? Do you feel secure in your relationship? Do you make other decisions together to your satisfaction? If so you may have a good relationship without the need for marriage except for the legal protections. It may be that you can change your expectations so that marriage is not as important to you.

You cannot change him. It's my guess that there are rough patches in your relationship and that you're feeling that marriage will resolve some of those. It won't. How you get along now is likely to not change with a ring. Marriage will require you to face those rough patches because you won't have the excuse that things would be different if you're married.

It's OK to let others, including your son, to believe that you're married. In some states you are. It's called a common law marriage. I don't know about Texas. You are married in every way except legally in most states.

If you're not able to change your expectations of getting a ring, I suggest that you and your boyfriend need to make some specific plans. Set a date, get an engagement ring, etc. If he's unwilling to do that, I suggest counseling for you even if he won't go. You will be happier when you can either accept that marriage isn't going to happen or have some specific plans.

How come you can't propose to him?

Definitely wait until you're married! And ditto all of Bug's comments.

A ring is only a symbol of marriage - it's not the marriage itself.
You might be considered common law married at this point (I don't know Tx law)
It doesn't take much to go down to city hall and get married by a Justice of the Peace.

What does BC mean? I'm sorry I don't know all the text lingo...lol. Well, I understand that is what you want. It does matter because it matters to you! :-) And that's how he should look at it. He may be content with how things are right now, but men really don't think like us women do. We really need to express in detail how we are feeling towards them for them to get the 'hint'...per say. lol Stick to your guns, and what you want. But do talk with your partner and tell him how you are feeling. And keep talking to him as much as you need to. It is important to you, therefore it should be important to him.....after all...you all have a son together, and you are a family already....you all are "ONE" together. :-) Best wishes to you. :-)

If you want to wait, wait. Why haven't you gotten married yet? Is something specific holding him back?

10 years is a long time. Are you happy with things the way they are? Do you care if you get married or not? If you're content to be together but not married, and just don't want to add another child to the mix, fine. But if you really want marriage and he doesn't, you need to seriously figure things out and decide if this relationship is right for either of you.

You might get some better advice if you provide us with a little more info.

Why haven't you gotten married in the last 10 years? It seems he's already committed to you and your family. Why doesn't he want to get married? Some people just don't want to be married, but have the same commitment just without a marraige certificate. If he really doesn't want to get married ever and its something that you need, you will have to take a step back and decide if that's a deal breaker for you. I'm not saying to give him an ultimadum, but you have to decide what you can and can't live with. Everyone has to create their own "marriage". What works in one marriage won't work in another exactly because everyone is unique. It's possible he doesn't want to get married because he doesn't want to end up like his parents/sibling/your parents/neighbors/whoever. You can define what your marriage is. Your relationship doesn't have to do a gravitational shift in order to get married.

Best of luck!

In the state of Texas, the law says after 10 years you are technically married even without a ceremony. Tell him that then see what he has to say. If he balks, I'd get out quick. You're protected under the law, so you get 50/50 of everything ring or no ring.

First of all, please read LOVETEACHINGMATH's response and ignore everything else that people are saying about "common law" marriage. In Texas, it is called an INFORMAL MARRIAGE and the rules are that you must live together (not for any specific length of time) *AND* you must AGREE to be married, either by filing a legal notice of informal marriage or by both representing yourself as married to others (i.e. stating that you are his wife, filing jointly on income tax, etc.) He has not agreed to be married, so you are NOT married.

As for getting married, I agree with you that you should not have another baby with him unless he agrees to marry you. That is for the protection of you and your children! If he loves you and his son he will want to make sure that you are taken care of if anything should ever happen to him... As it is, you and your son will be left with nothing if he should decide to leave or if there was a horrible car accident or any other tragedy that took him from you.

As for you relationship, you have to follow the good advice that people are giving you... sit down and think really hard about your relationship. Are things good the way they are? Does he treat you guys well and take good care of you now? Then talk to him about really standing up to be a man and make sure that you will be safe and cared for forever. Then, whether or not you get married, make sure he makes you the beneficiary on his life insurance, bank accounts, etc. and writes a will leaving everything his estate to you or your son. And also make sure that his name is on your son's birth certificate or that he has filed a declaration of paternity.

Definitely explore with him what his reasons are for not wanting marriage. He obviously is commited to you after all these years. He wants to have another baby with you. Why the hesitation to get married? Then, let him know that he needs to take the legal steps to protect you no matter what. And, no, don't have another baby with him unless he marries you!

Good luck!

Updated

First of all, please read LOVETEACHINGMATH's response and ignore everything else that people are saying about "common law" marriage. In Texas, it is called an INFORMAL MARRIAGE and the rules are that you must live together (not for any specific length of time) *AND* you must AGREE to be married, either by filing a legal notice of informal marriage or by both representing yourself as married to others (i.e. stating that you are his wife, filing jointly on income tax, etc.) He has not agreed to be married, so you are NOT married.

As for getting married, I agree with you that you should not have another baby with him unless he agrees to marry you. That is for the protection of you and your children! If he loves you and his son he will want to make sure that you are taken care of if anything should ever happen to him... As it is, you and your son will be left with nothing if he should decide to leave or if there was a horrible car accident or any other tragedy that took him from you.

As for you relationship, you have to follow the good advice that people are giving you... sit down and think really hard about your relationship. Are things good the way they are? Does he treat you guys well and take good care of you now? Then talk to him about really standing up to be a man and make sure that you will be safe and cared for forever. Then, whether or not you get married, make sure he makes you the beneficiary on his life insurance, bank accounts, etc. and writes a will leaving everything his estate to you or your son. And also make sure that his name is on your son's birth certificate or that he has filed a declaration of paternity.

Definitely explore with him what his reasons are for not wanting marriage. He obviously is commited to you after all these years. He wants to have another baby with you. Why the hesitation to get married? Then, let him know that he needs to take the legal steps to protect you no matter what. And, no, don't have another baby with him unless he marries you!

Good luck!