Hi ladies, I don't really have a specific question... it's more that I'm at a loss on how to get out of a rut that I'm stuck in and I could use a friend. I'm a stay at home mom to three children which is my dream come true, except that, it isn't... The only thing I've ever truly "dreamed" of being is a mom and I'm so grateful that I've been blessed with three children and that I am able to stay at home with them. That being said, I feel like I'm being eaten alive. My kids are 8, 6 and 2. It starts first thing in the morning having to get them out of bed in time for school, arguing with them that "yes, you need to do everything on your morning routine and no you can't skip brushing your teeth today" even though we've had a morning routine in place and posted in the bathroom for several years now. Getting out the door regardless of whether we're going to school or Disney World is painful and always results in us being late and everyone in a bad mood. I give consequences - they lose privileges, no games or tv, must take a nap/rest time, go to bed early, just tonight they had to write “I will not fight with my sister” for about 10 minutes while I finished dinner but nothing works. They always say sorry and promise to never do whatever it was again and the moment I turn my head… there they go again. I find myself raising my voice which I don’t like to do but it’s become the only way that any of them even acknowledge that I’m talking. I’m run down. Even though I’ve been working on self help skills with them to encourage independence since they were toddlers I need to be everywhere with everyone all the time or at least that’s the way it seems. If I’m not constantly giving reminders nothing ever gets done. I need to recharge but never have the opportunity. I wake up at 6:00am to get myself ready and start the day and I usually go to sleep between 1:00 and 2:00am because late at night once everyone is asleep is the only opportunity I have to do anything that I need to get done. My husband works a lot of hours and isn’t home much during the week. He leaves before the kids wake up most days and gets home anywhere between 7:00 and 9:00pm so there are days when the kids don’t even see their dad. He loves our kids and is very involved in their lives, when he is home but I feel that’s part of the problem. On the weekends, instead of joining in on our schedule, he makes up his own and changes our whole routine. I’ve talked to him about this several times but he does what he does. Instead of helping with what would be helpful to me, he takes over and does it completely different than we do during the week. I’m grateful for his help but I still never get to do anything that I’d like to do and I feel it contributes to my children not listening to me. If daddy doesn’t follow mommy’s routines, why should they, right? On weekends, my husband cuts the lawn, runs the errands he needs to and works on projects that he has on his list of “to do’s” all while I continue to spend 100% of my time with the kids. I love my kids but I need him to spend time with them on the weekend because first of all, they desperately miss him and secondly, I need a moment to recharge and get a few things off my list of “to do’s”. My children are my life. As in the only thing in my life. I know I’ve given them too much power and it’s coming back to bite me. My problem is that I know I need to make more time for myself but I don’t know how. My husband is never home and we don’t have a babysitter. I’m at the point where I’m waving the white flag of surrender. I try to get my kids out so we can do something fun but no matter what it is, they’re always complaining. It’s difficult because I can’t be upset with my husband for working and getting things he needs done on the weekend. He works very hard to support our family and it’s thanks to his sacrifices that I’m able to stay at home with my children. I am so grateful for that. I simply want to find a way to enjoy this blessing that has been given to me. I feel like Santa Claus in the Dreamworks movie, Rise of the Guardians where he says something like “We are too busy bringing joy to children! We do not have time for children.” I get so caught up in everything that has to be done that I’m not actually enjoying my children. Has anyone gone through something similar and found a way to get their head back up above water?
Please keep your comments positive. Thank you!
You guys are awesome! Thank you for all your responses. I find it's always easier to see the answer from the outside but rarely can you see it when you're in the middle. That's what I truly needed from you all and you didn't disappoint. I never would have considered myself a perfectionist, but after reading your responses... I guess I totally am when it comes to my parenting and I need to change that. You've pointed out some big things and thrown me a lifeline. I'm going to grab on to your answers and start crawling out of my hole. Thank you!
Yup -- sounds like parenting to me. That's why most people agree that parenting's the hardest job on earth. It. Never. Lets. Up.
In hindsight, I would have gotten a p/t job, to get away from the kids occasionally, so I could enjoy them more when I was with them. Being with them non-stop is exhausting.
Good luck!
Get a part time job and a nanny. I'm not bring mean, that's what I did (minus the nanny) and it helps tremendously. Also, I had this blue chair that I sat in when I needed a time out. Kids knew not to bother me unless it was a dire emergency. Don't go whining to mom, she's in the chair, lol.
First of all the morning routine -- do not yell or remind. Set out clothes undies to socks and shoes the night before -- the two older ones need to be dressed before they eat breakfast. The kids need to be responsible for their school stuff and backpacks, they are ready to go and by the door before bed. In the morning set a timer when the timer goes off out the door -- toothpaste running down the chin, only half dressed, hair uncombed to bad so sad, they either get dressed in the car on the way to school or go into school in their jammies. The two yr old can go to drop off kids in her/his jammies and you can dress her/him when you get home and things are more calm.
Next get help. Hire a cleaning lady and a mother's helper. A mother's helper is a 11-14 yr old girl who comes in for about 2 hours after school to help wrangle the kids, pay her about $10/day. She helps them change to play clothes, do homework, put their laundry away, pick up their rooms -- don't do it for them at 6 & 8 they are old enough to pick up after themselves and make their beds -- if not done shut their door. While she is there go for a walk, or a cup of coffee, look on meet-up fror a mom's group find other SAHM moms to hang out with.
Lastly, go to bed earlier. Your kids will not remember if the house was always perfectly clean but they remember that mom was always in a bad mood and yelling about something. Sleep deprivation can bring on a host of other issues from panic attacks to depression. A good mom takes care of herself -- bubble baths - a night out with girl friends - a mini -pedi or a new hair-do are not luxuries -- they are necessary and help you keep your sanity. Even fuzzy slippers and a trashy romance novel have their virtues.
Just remember that you are awesome even if the laundry isn't done and there's dishes in the sink. Your kids will never remember a spotless house but they will remember a game of kick ball in the yard or a hike in the woods with mom. The time spent with them is more important than being able to eat off your kitchen floor. Less to do's and more down time so you can enjoy your life.
Okay, what I read is "my kids have to have constant supervision, to the point that I can't do anything except entertain them and give them constant attention".
Why can't they go to their rooms and play after dinner?
Why can't they go watch a movie in another room while you watch TV in the living room?
Why can't go outside and play on the weekend while you do some laundry and mop and then go take a nap? They're old enough to have time that is not supervised by mom OR dad.
He doesn't need to babysit the kids while you have free time, you need to figure out your kids don't need you to give them this much of your time.
If dad doesn't mow and do the stuff he does on the weekend are you able to provide the money to him to hire it done?
The 2 year old should be able to go to a Mother's Day Out program a day or two a week so you can go shopping, to the doc, to run errands, etc...then they should also be taking a nap. You can use that time to take a nap yourself or do something you can't do while they're awake.
Perhaps you can go to work. That's what some mom's do when the kids are all in school all day. In a couple of years your little one will be gone all day too and you can go back to school, go to work, all kinds of things.
I truthfully find it so much easier to have a daytime job than staying home with the kids all day. The house is always so much cleaner when I work and the meals and stuff is just easier. I miss working so much these days.
Several of my friends went to school when their kids were all in school.
One went to college and got her nursing degree. She worked in ICU for a few years, the night shift, and then got her masters degree and taught as a nursing professor until she retired.
Other mom's got degrees while in college and when their kids were all in school they went to work using their degrees for the first time, engineering, teaching, art, music, etc......
In a couple of years you'll have the whole world of things you can do while the kids are gone all day.
First know you are not alone. A lot of SAHMs have felt like this at one
point or another.
Let go of control.
Let your husband do it how he wants to. If he's helping, thank you lucky
stars.
Now ask him on the weekends to take care of the kids. Ask him point blank in exactly those words.
The older kids can help him with projects outside. If it's something too
dangerous for them to help with, they can watch & talk to him. They
will learn a lot from this.
When hubby is inside on the weekends watching tv, let's say, you leave
the kids with him & go do something by yourself: get a pedi, go to the
library to sit in quiet & read a book you've checked out, meet a girlfriend
for lunch (if they aren't avail, you treat yourself to lunch).
During the week, treat yourself to a pretty bouquet of flowers or a new
color of nail polish. (paint them later at night aft kids go to bed).
Get more sleep. Find a way. Even if it's only 6 hours. Get that! At the
very least! Try for 8 if at all poss. If not, get 6 straight uniterrupted if
possible.
Do fun things during the week with your kids. Take a break from the
routine & monotony of things. Take them to an outdoor mall, reading
time at the library, an inexpensive lunch. At Christmas time, take them
to a tree lighting ceremony, rent Christmas videos for them to watch.
Check out movies from the library for the older ones to watch. Put them
on for them when the baby sleeps & you rest at this time.
Rest when the baby is sleeping & the older kids are at school.
Let go of control. Let go of some of the housework. I know ppl well kept
homes but nasty attitudes or stress related illnesses.
While I will not win best kept house awards, I hopefully will not go crazy!
I spend time with my kids and do fun things.
I take my kids for a short visit to the zoo. We picnic at the nearby park.
Look for freebie things to do in your local area (these are things to change
things up & get you out of the house): fairs, flea markets, reading time,
kid plays, toy stores etc.
Ask for help when you need it. Can't emphasize this enough. My hubby
has told me he doesn't read minds. I've found if I ask, I receive.
Sometimes I groc shop on the weekend just to get out of the house alone
Again, let go of the control, some of the housework (after all nobody on their deathbed has said "I should have done more housework". Let's be the first.), relax a bit, give up some of the reigns to hubby, dote on yourself a bit, take care of yourself, find joy in every day. Best of luck sweetie. You're on your way!! Hugs!!
Updated
First know you are not alone. A lot of SAHMs have felt like this at one
point or another.
Let go of control.
Let your husband do it how he wants to. If he's helping, thank you lucky
stars.
Now ask him on the weekends to take care of the kids. Ask him point blank in exactly those words.
The older kids can help him with projects outside. If it's something too
dangerous for them to help with, they can watch & talk to him. They
will learn a lot from this.
When hubby is inside on the weekends watching tv, let's say, you leave
the kids with him & go do something by yourself: get a pedi, go to the
library to sit in quiet & read a book you've checked out, meet a girlfriend
for lunch (if they aren't avail, you treat yourself to lunch).
During the week, treat yourself to a pretty bouquet of flowers or a new
color of nail polish. (paint them later at night aft kids go to bed).
Get more sleep. Find a way. Even if it's only 6 hours. Get that! At the
very least! Try for 8 if at all poss. If not, get 6 straight uniterrupted if
possible.
Do fun things during the week with your kids. Take a break from the
routine & monotony of things. Take them to an outdoor mall, reading
time at the library, an inexpensive lunch. At Christmas time, take them
to a tree lighting ceremony, rent Christmas videos for them to watch.
Check out movies from the library for the older ones to watch. Put them
on for them when the baby sleeps & you rest at this time.
Rest when the baby is sleeping & the older kids are at school.
Let go of control. Let go of some of the housework. I know ppl well kept
homes but nasty attitudes or stress related illnesses.
While I will not win best kept house awards, I hopefully will not go crazy!
I spend time with my kids and do fun things.
I take my kids for a short visit to the zoo. We picnic at the nearby park.
Look for freebie things to do in your local area (these are things to change
things up & get you out of the house): fairs, flea markets, reading time,
kid plays, toy stores etc.
Ask for help when you need it. Can't emphasize this enough. My hubby
has told me he doesn't read minds. I've found if I ask, I receive.
Sometimes I groc shop on the weekend just to get out of the house alone
Again, let go of the control, some of the housework (after all nobody on their deathbed has said "I should have done more housework". Let's be the first.), relax a bit, give up some of the reigns to hubby, dote on yourself a bit, take care of yourself, find joy in every day. Best of luck sweetie. You're on your way!! Hugs!!
You're family is young.
It's going to be like this for several years yet.
You should see your dr and read him your post - you sound depressed.
When I ran myself ragged trying to be Super Mom I ended up snapping at my Dr during a checkup when she jokingly told me I needed to get more organized.
I told her a typical days schedule for me from 4am to 10pm in 15 min increments and asked her 'How the heck can I get MORE organized? I've organized the hell out of every waking minute!".
That landed me on Prozac for 6 months - and it was wonderful!
After being on it for 2 weeks it felt like the hair on the back of my neck stopped standing on end.
I took a good look at my never ending 'to do' list and chucked half the things on it.
I think you need to do something like that.
There are only 24 hrs in a day and you NEED roughly 8 hrs of that to sleep.
Not getting enough sleep can mess with your system badly.
Since Dad is home on weekends, how about you take off for a night or two away as a retreat every once in awhile.
Even if it's just to go to a nearby hotel, use the pool/gym, order room service and not cook or do dishes or make the bed.
You could watch tv or read a book or just enjoy quiet and unwind/recharge.
Dad and the kids will survive without you for a little while and it will give Dad some great time with the kids.
As for the kids complaining when you go out - explain to them that they've missed the point - this excursion is not for the purpose of making them happy - it's for making YOU happy - and they'd better get with the program or you'll GIVE them something to be truly unhappy about.
(I always hated it when my Mom use to say that - but I've come full circle when I find myself thinking it now that I'm a parent myself.)
Typical house! Get a babysitter and get out! The older they get the easier it will get. Hang in! Do you, your friends and kids get out. I am always somewhere with my friends and their grandchildren. We all babysit them during the week. We are The G Team! We love our outings. We would go crazy without them. I mean I will get a call saying we are meeting at so and so in 20 min. We always have a bag in car, so diaper changed, coat on and out the door. Someone brings lunch. We alternate that. Kids love being together as much as we do. They are 16 mos, 22 months and two years. Two more babies on the way. Does wonders for our physche. You need to get out.
You are a perfectionist in your child care. I'm the pot calling the kettle, black.
I spent my young life pretty laid back. But when I had children, every decision seemed to be weighted with many consequences. For them and for me. I did like to do spontaneous things..on a schedule. Otherwise, routine is the crutch of the perfectionist and it can turn into a slave driver.
Try letting things go more. Read up on perfectionism. And on Saturday, tell H you are taking the morning off. Leave. Do not stay there. Go to the library and get a book. Suddenly he will find out all those pressing projects are not as important as a happy wife. But quit thinking he should do things your way. He is Dad. Not mini you. Your control is going too far.
You need to quit stuffing your feelings and start sharing the desperation we hear in your writing. Just because you love your kids and realize how blessed you are, doesn't mean you don't take care of their mother, you.
You will be a much better mommy if you take time for yourself.
Make time for church. Find something bigger than yourselves to invest in. I know it sounds crazy to add one more thing but serving others together is a bonding agent and a refresher for families. It gives everybody a new perspective. And keeps you from being so focused on your own lives.
The world is bigger than 1. Get dressed 2. Eat 3. Brush your teeth 4 comb your hair. My kids were over 8 and twelve, when I could look at them in my rear view mirror and see they both had their hair combed! You have a long way to go. Don't break down now! Search Mamapedia for establishing morning routines. Stop yelling at the kids. Let consequences be their teachers. And just let things go some times. One day of NOT brushing their teeth won't make the world stop.
There's too much pressure on everybody in your house, including you.
You are about to blow a gasket. Find a way to take that pressure off.
Good luck!
I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I seriously could have written your post myself. Mine are 5 and 2 and they are killing me. My husband also works crazy hours and then has projects around the house all weekend - so I don't get anything done because I'm with the kids while he does his projects. Yet every weekend I optimistically (stupidly?) have a "to do" list of all the things I need to do while he is with the kids. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I will be looking to see what responses you get. Hopefully some moms out there can help us both!
I just said many of the same things you posted here to my friend and suggested we run off together on a vacation so that our families would learn to appreciate us more.
I understand. I feel your pain. I've been there, I AM there. Solutions? Show your husband your post and talk to him. Cry. Make him see you at your weakest. It's ok not to be the one in charge all the time. I've got to do the same thing. Now if I can just schedule that into our routine...
HUGS!!!!! It will pass.
Maybe you can consider taking your 2 yo to a Mom's Morning Out program a few times a week. This will give you some time to recharge your batteries a few times a week. Most of these programs are very inexpensive. When my mom was keeping my oldest, she took him to the program at her church and he loved it. It also gave her a chance to unwind during the week.
Also, the older kids are old enough for chore charts. You write out sheets for them, a list of things that must be done each day of the week. When they complete it, they get to check it off. Set a goal of the number of points they get each week, and if they meet it, they get a reward.
For my son, it works like this-Out of a possible 120 items for the week, he must earn 110. Some of the "chores" are- "Get dressed for school without fussing" or "Put shoes in basket by door" or "Brush teeth in the morning without being reminded". My favorite is "Be nice to baby sister". This gives incentive to do these things for themselves and to earn their reward. My son loves actually helping me choose what chores to put on the chart. Make sure to involve them in the process. They might surprise you!
This has worked very well with my 7 year old. By completing his chores, he earns an allowance that he can use to buy his latest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure or that app he's been wanting. It doesn't have to be much- whatever is important for them.
Hope this helps!
I highly recommend that book "The Art of Extreme Self-Care" by Cheryl Richardson. Also, books on perfectionism (try Brene Brown) and on boundaries would be helpful too.
It is no wonder you feel so overwhelmed, you have some really high expectations of yourself. I have found that expectations are the road to hell. I have learned to release all the "shoulds" and to allow myself to see "what is" and make choices according to reality. Too often we live in a world of "things should be different" and that keeps us stuck, exhausted, and ill. Life is much simpler if we simply look at what is and make choices with that. Stop trying to make choices about how it "should' be. (www.thework.com by Byron Katie is a great resource for learning how to shift to what is)
Take a Parenting with Love and Logic class and get the book 1-2-3 Magic. You will be amazed what some really good information can do to help you. Right now you are going on some assumptions and a tiny bit of parenting information. The more information you gather the more resources you will have to support you as each new parenting issue shows up.
Hire a babysitter!!!! It is vital that you start to have some time for you. If you don't you will end up angry, resentful, depressed, and/or sick!
Also, some good information about communication might be helpful with your husband. It is vital that you are able to communicate openly, clearly, and directly with your husband about exactly what is going on for you. A great relationship resource is Gay and Kathleen Hendricks. You can find them at www.hendricks.com.
What your describing with the morning routine is typical.
IMO, what needs to change is your husband & his errands, etc. with no regard for the fact that you're tethered to the house & kids.
PLAN to get out of the house Sat or Sunday.
When my son was a baby, I would get up at 6:00 am throw on hearts and a sweater, grab a book or the paper & head to a coffee shop.
That hour-90 minutes every week went a LONG way to saving my sanity.
Does your husband HAVE to work 12 hrs per day?
Can he commit to coming home at 5 two days per week?
When he does--head out the door for a walk--ALONE!
Take some tunes. Or enjoy the quiet.
It's TIME your husband acts like he has 3 kids and can be responsible for them for an hour or two here and there.
I mean that POSITIVELY! Lol
We have a saying here: "dad does things different" and that's ok.
As long as my kid gets clean, fed, brushes his teeth, etc., I don't really care HOW it's done just THAT it's done. Release that control and find some me time! Happy mom=happy kids.
Routine is key but if it’s not working you might need to switch it up. I didn’t read all the comments but can say I can totally sympathize with you. I have learned to let go.
This weekend I am getting my little ones alarms cause I get way to frustrated having to go in and wake them several times in the morning. They should be independent by now, getting themselves dressed but alas with time constraints I end up doing it.
Some tips that have helped me-
1. Organization, which I am still tweaking to get the best fit
2. Paper plates
3. Uniforms for school forces me to wash every 2 days-I have a corner that is organized with baskets. While the laundry is rarely all put away its contained. I pack the extracurricular activity bags on Sunday
And I see you have a 2 y/o too so if you can afford to do so have you thought about finding a “mothers helper” in the afternoon. Usually you can find a middle school kid to come entertain the kids while you complete your “to do” list.
Good luck & know we are with you
I'm not a SAHM so can't totally relate but I do have kids around the same ages as your older two. At those ages it'd gotten pretty easy to get things done while they played... It sounds like yours fight too much though. I don't know if my kids were born this way, bc we had a nanny who is different maybe than mom, or if it's been parenting style but mine play well together (does go through phases a little) and are so good about getting ready for school. I'll never know if they're this way via luck which lead me to praise them for being so good about getting ready etc or they're this way bc they've gotten so much positive reinforcement instead of punishments. But you could try a positive reinforcement approach and see if it makes a difference. When they play well together I'll tell them how it makes my heart so happy to see and they're so lucky to have each other. I also will point out bad behaviour in other kids and say how glad I am they're not like that. It might be sisters fighting or hearing how kids in our neighborhood are so difficult to get out the door for school. I remember my oldest not being nice to my youngest once and I used an example of sisters we know where the older one is so obnoxious to the younger. I said how no one looks at this older girl more favorably but instead think how she's not a nice big sister at all. I asked if my oldest wants people to see her that way or think "wow, what a nice big sister" as we see with other friends. I said how our nanny is so impressed with the older sister in that pair. It seemed to make an impact... I almost feel the more I tell my kids how great they're doing at something, the better they want to do or at least keep doing it well. As I said, it may all be luck. Maybe you've tried this. But if not, might be a new approach that changes things up. Btw - usually kids this age really look up to their teachers. Tell them if they're late all the time, their teachers are going to be really disappointed in them. I think guilt goes way further than punishments... :)
You need to find a hobby. My hobby has brought more joy into my life than I ever anticipated.
Also, could your 2 yo go to preschool 2 days a week for about 2 hours a day? That also may give you the break you need.
I also love Reverend Ruby's advice,
Our kids are 8,6 3 and 1 and I can tell you that our life is very similar . We can not afford a sitter, but if you do try a mother's helper (a child over 12). We have a lot of homeschooling kids who do it and they are usually do not charge that much. I hear star rewards work well for some kids, where they get 5/10 cents for every routine activity they do without complaining and by themselves .
I feel your overwhelmed soul.
I work full time as a teacher, and sometimes the only time I get to myself is to go to work. It is ironic, but it feels that way sometimes.
At other times, because I work and because I too am a momma with the DD at night while hubby is at work, I feel I never get time alone to myself.
It's the little moments every day that allow you to recharge. The shower. The drive if you happen to do that alone at any time. Sleep.
Go ahead and find a babysitter for the daytime and two times a week for a couple of hours and . . . sleep. The babysitter can take your child to the park.
Or take a nap when the two-year-old takes a nap. That's recharge time for you.
Eight years old is old enough to begin doing some chores, like load the dishwasher. Start the training.
You say your husband makes sure he gets his needs met. It is your duty to make sure you get yours. Go to bed in order to get your eight hours of sleep.
As far as the weekend schedule, I cannot imagine that he is waking the kids up earlier. If you want the same morning schedule, just do it. Tell the kids dad needs extra sleep. Or, you sleep longer, too, and enjoy that. I also can't believe he's telling them not to brush their teeth. Put your foot down and say that the baby needs his nap at the same time every day. Are you referring to bedtime routine? You go to bed, and let him put them to bed. That is exactly what I do the nights hubby is home. That way, I get my rest and hubby gets daddy time of giving baths and reading bedtime stories.
I'm the one who leaves for work before anyone else wakes up, so I have no good tips for that. When it is my turn to do it, I find it excruciating. Kids find transitions hard. They also take longer to do everything. At times, both hubby and I have coats and shoes on and stand at the door and say, "We're leaving for grandma's / the park / wherever. Bye." That seems to hurry up DD.
I have but one DD, and I imagine the kids feed off of one another, and fight, and complicate things. Perhaps it is time for the older ones to be responsible for getting the youngest one ready? For at least some of the needs? Perhaps you can start routines of songs for transition times that everyone sings, or helps the baby sing? A lot of pre-K and K teachers do that.
We also have family time on the weekends. We make a point to go to the park or elsewhere together for a minimum of two hours, sometimes five. It is sacred time for us. Can hubby and you agree to that? (My complication for this is sometimes I need to check papers).
For us, the projects come last. Perhaps hubby can have apprentices for his projects. That way, your children also learn a skill and get special time with daddy.
I don't get "project time" in my own life, unless it involves DD as well. The most I can manage is to sneak off and take a walk once in a blue moon. At times, I revel in going to the grocery store--alone!
You need more sleep and a small amount of alone time. You can do that. And everyone will be happier.
Best wishes.
Sounds normal and like you need a new routine. For starters, you need more sleep. Without sleep, you will get depressed and irritable. Getting more sleep is essential. As to getting things done, I'm not sure why you need to stay up getting things done every night. I have a 5.5, almost 4 and 8 month old. I do get things done in the early morning before they wake, but I get 90% done during their waking hours, and I homeschool. Do you fly lady? Do you know how to freezer cook? I swear by both.
Also, your hubby needs a kick. I do most of my errands on the weekend, and every weekend hubby picks up lots of slack...he cooks, helps me with freezer food, etc. And we take turns minding the kids while projects get done.
Also, our routine is different on weekends. The kids love it, and I love it. I use to hate that hubby would be feeding them breakfast an hour late. Now? Whatever. I give the kids cheerios while they are waiting, and I worry about other things. They are his kids to worry about too! Now I put baby down for a nap, and head out to the grocery store while he is making breakfast, etc. It took me two years to train hubby this way. He has become an amazing contributor in the last few years, because I was very direct with him about what I needed. I also took him shopping with us a few times, and he saw how hard it was to handle the then 2 year old and 3 year old. He SAW that I needed help.
As to not getting caught up in the "to-do' list. I pause my list every day twice. From 10-11:30, I'm with my kids. I then spend from 3:30-5 with them. The rest of the day? If we are home, I do chores, and I have them do chores. My 5.5 year old is getting good at helping me clean her room, etc. My house is mostly on a system, so I only occasionally have big projects that take up lots of extra time. For those, I ship the other two off for a morning or afternoon with a babysitter. I do this about once a month.
It does really sound like you need hubby to participate more. My hubby has days when he doesn't see the kids too, but when he is at home, he is all about them (bathing them, helping them get ready for bed, etc.) This gives me the break I need. It also gives me a chance to do housework.
First of all, it sounds like you are not following through on consequences. I say this because this was myl ife several years ago. Now when I explain to my children (10, 8, and 6) that if they do not do what they are told when they are not told, there will be a consequence, they know I mean business. So with that, I make it something I know I will follow through with. If the kids do not get up and do what they have to in the morning, take away 10 minutes of TV time at night, or dessert, or give them an extra chore...something you know you will make them do or lose. My sister told my 4 year old niece if she was bad she wasn't going trick or treating - yea freaking right. Don't do that, but do something you will follow through with.
The older two are old enough to understand when they are using acceptable/appropriate behavior and when they are not. When I catch my kids doing something they shouldn't I simply ask them if what they are doing is appropriate or acceptable. If their answer is no, they know to change their behavior immediately or there will be consequences.
Second, you need help!! There is no reason your kids can't help. Even the two year old can have some "chores." They all have jobs, and one of those jobs is to be responsible for the house (not in the same way we are, but still). They make messes, they have to clean up. They eat dinner, they can set and clear the table. They use dishes, they can load their own dishes in the dishwasher and unload when it is done. My kids pick one of three parts of the dishwasher to unload (silverware, top, bottom). I rotate who gets to pick...but if one person argues, they get to do the whole thing alone. There is time to have fun with them if they help do things that need done.
Third, you need sleep!! Stop going to bed so late. If the house is a disaster, who cares. If you have a huge pile of laundry to fold, it will still be there the next day...no big deal. If you have grilled cheese and hot dogs for dinner because you don't want the mess, it's all good! Give yourself a break. You need and DESERVE it.
Being a mom is the hardest job in the world...but you have to find a way to make life work for you. I promise you, when you implement rules, rewards, consequences, etc...life will be smoother for you. Also once that baby is a little older. 2-5 are always challenging, especially with the last one. So give yourself a break, let things go, have fun with the kids but be firm with them...and things will change.
As far as your husband. If he doesn't want to help with what you need and raising the kids (though he is working hard for the life you have) then he needs to let you do it. He doesn't need to come in like a tornado and change things on the weekend. But you also keep in mind that weekends are and should be differnet from the week.
I'm sorry - I went off track here I think, but you just need to change some things within you and how you handle situations and life will get better. Sit and talk with the kids, make certain they understand you, and go from there.
I think you need to let go of the to-do list. What if the kids forget to brush their teeth? What's going to happen? Probably nothing. So try to ease up on what needs to get done. My husband also has long hours at work and spends very little time with our daughters. Even on the weekends, he has to be prodded to do something with them. You need to ask your husband to take responsibility for them for a period of time - specifically ask - can you watch the kids between 10am and 2pm while I get some housework done? You need to be assertive with him. Just a warning, I don't know if your kids are truly difficult or if they aren't good at adhering to your schedule but beware the tween and teens years (11-14) are coming; they were hard for me. Now that my oldest is 15 she is wonderful - the switch was flipped. Before that...yikes! Being a SAHM is somewhat thankless. No nice dinners, company retreats, or child-free meetings. It's always juggling and thinking ahead. You are not alone. Being a SAHM doesn't mean you have to be perfect. Your house doesn't have to be perfectly clean or have a fantastic meal on the table every night. The advantage of being a SAHM is that you are there with your kids when those funny/sad/mad things happen. But some days the bad will outweigh the good and that is OK. Good-luck.
I can relate. I have been stuck in that rut off and on over the years. My kids are now 11, 8, and 4. I can tell you that it gets easier to get more done around the house when the kids are a bit older. For now, I suggest you set up a weekly schedule for cleaning the house. Some things have to be done every day like the dishes and laundry. But other things can be done a few times a week. Do a full bathroom cleaning twice a week, then just quickly wipe everything down with a Clorox wipe the other days. Get large baskets and keep one in the living room, family room, at the bottom of the stairs. Pick up the toys every day before lunch and dinner. Put toys and other belongings in the baskets and have your kids put the stuff away. Unload the dishwasher and wipe down the kitchen while your 2 yr old is eating breakfast or lunch. Do a couple loads of laundry while the 2 yr old naps. There is no reason that you should be staying up until 1-2 am. I do what I can throughout the day. The majority of everything is done before dinner. After dinner, I clean up the kitchen and load the dishwasher. I may finish one last load of laundry, and set clothes out for the morning, but that's it. Once my kids are in bed, I read or watch TV. I don't stay up much past 11.
As far as errands, can you do any during the day when the older kids are in school? I know that shopping with a 2 yr is challenging, but if he or she is good, try to do some during the week so you don't have to fight with your hubby over who's errand trumps who's on the weekends.
Search online for a Moms club near you. They have them all over. You could take your 2 yr old and meet some other SAHM's I did that for awhile when I first became a SAHM. It's great for the winter months when you're cooped up all day with a young child.
Tell your husband how you feel. Let him know that you need more from him on the weekends. I finally started doing that with my husband and I was much happier. Usually on Thursday night, we look at the calendar and see what we have going on for the upcoming weekend. I'll ask him what, if anything he needs to get done, and I'll tell him what I need to get done. I sometimes have to remind him again as the weekend gets closer that I'll need to go to Target, go get my hair done, etc...) but it helps him to have the heads-up.
As far as the crazy morning routine with the kids, it sounds like they need to get up a little bit earlier. If it means going to bed earlier, so be it. Try rewarding them for being ready on time. Set up a system of behavior bucks (you can find these online, and print them off) and give one to whoever does everything they're supposed to and is ready to go right on time. They can cash them in at the end of the week or real money or a prize. You can use them at other times of the day too. They are very motivating!
Hang in there!
I was always amazed at my sister who was able to just say, (even when she was stay at home briefly) well, see ya honey, I have exercise class. Probably the best way if you can't get your husband to 'see' that you need help is to start a little by having something specific to do without the children and let him handle the kids his way (too many women make out lists, provide safety certifications so they don't screw up) and go somewhere. Even if it's a trip to the library for magazine time. Obviously the well desired hot bath might not be in the cards at first, because it is at home and the kids usually figure out how to unlock doors. You also have to tell yourself, I need some time to myself and I need help and stop feeling guilty. Just because you are a stay at home mom you didn't sign anything saying you are supposed to give up you in the process. If you continue to do this and be assertive about it, I can about guarantee it's going to work. aND do not get into a two hour explanation of why. Men stop listening after the first thirty seconds. And in the rest of your life, stop doing things that take so much time. You don't need to bake bread if you can buy it. You don't have to simmer spaghetti sauce every weekend, get the bottle. It's amazing what we do to ourselves isn't it?
