Three years ago in April, my fiance and I had to move out of our house because we learned that it was about to catch fire and needed to be redone. His mom told us that even though we did not have the money to fix the house, she would pay for it and remodel the house at the same time. Well she used all of her money to help his sister advertise for a business that went under just recently and we had only just started on the house. Two months after moving out of the house, I got pregnant with our first and only child. Since then, even with our 2 year old, we have lived with his parents, my mom, my sister, motels when he worked out of town and now we are back at his parents house hoping to get our house finished soon. When I was 7 months pregnant, his mom convinced him to leave me and he did. He found a new girlfriend and I went through well you know. We got back together and things were a little bit better but lately he doesnt have much to say to me anymore. I know he isnt cheating because he doesnt have the time and he isnt acting like he was before when he was cheating. I have told him that I need conversation but he just says that we should accept that thats the way we are and get over it. He will strike up a conversation with any one else about anything else. He says that he has nothing to talk about with me. Now that way that I see it is when you have nothing else to talk about in a relationship, then what kind of a relationship do you have? I feel as if I am only here to take care of the laundry, cooking, cleaning, our daughter and I am only here for sex when he wants it. What should I do? We are engaged to get married and I do love him and I do want to marry him but I just cant accept the fact that he has nothing to say. I just got off of depo and I have been very depressed and angry since our daughter was born and I dont know what to do. Help.
Thanks to everyone who gave me all the great advice. Wednesday I have an appointment to see a doctor about my depression and I hope that I can get something done about it and get some help. Me and my fiance talked yesterday and I told him what I am going through, really going through and I think he understands a little bit more. He told me that he would help me no matter what and that he does want to work out our problems. We also both agreed that we need to talk more so we will see how that goes. He also told me to go and do some things for my self like getting a perm in my hair so I am also going to do that Wednesday. Hopefully that will make me feel a little bit better. So we are trying to work it out. He said that he does still love me and he does still want to be with me and our daughter but he doesnt know what to do anymore and I feel the same way. So wish us luck and I will let everyone know in a few weeks after I have seen a doctor how everything is. And once again, thanks to you all.
Do WHATEVER it takes to get out of his mother's house! She's evil and controlling from the sounds of it. He's probably feeling stuck in the middle and inadequate as a man. They tend to shut down when that happens.
seek therapy, if he won't do that you need to reevaluate your situation, i know it's hard but would you rather be married and miserable? put your wedding off for awhile, this isn't only going to affect you but also your child, she learns from you and if mom's not happy, #1 you'll never learn the patience you wish for with her, #2 you'll be even more depressed, #3 she won't be happy, i could list on and on , seek a therapist if he refuses to see one, like i said put the wedding off for awhile, and at least you should be in therapy, it might help you come to terms with your feelings at least and then decide what you want for yourself and your family, if dads not willing to do what needs to be done or whats important to his future wife what makes you think it'll change after marriage? don't get me wrong i don't know your fiance but from the sound of ur 2 posts ur being stretched to a breaking point, my first marriage was the same way, i raised my 2 sons by myself only my ex spent time at his moms 1hr away after work until 8pm everyday, we rushed marriage even though we had problems and again i repeat MY FIRST MARRIAGE.
communication is what makes or breaks a relationship trust me i learned the hard way, i got lucky with my now sec. husband hes everything i could hope for granted we still have typical problems but we communicate instead of fight now.
if you do anything at all seek help if not for yourself at least for your daughter.
also if you need smeones ear feel free to email me anytime im a stay at home mom (i run my own business) but i always have time to talk ____@____.com
I am not sure what your religious beliefs are, but I have found the best way to change someone is to change yourself. Pray. Everyday I pray that God will soften my heart to my husbands needs, to make me the wife he desires and the wife God wants me to be for him. I know this is not a christian community and I may be speaking out of turn here, but just ask God to work on your husband and to make him the man that God wnats him to be and make you the woman god wants you to be, and you will be surprised at how much that works. I sure was.
Books are also a good thing. I am reading a book called the power of a praying wife. It has been a great tool to help my marriage grow. My first failed marriage was a disaster. It has been my inspiration for making sur that this one doesn't fail too.
If your therapist hasn't suggested it I strongly suggest a book called "After the Affair" even though you guys officially broke up it's still traumatizing. If you can get 2 copies and get him to read it while your reading it, fantastic. If not, just read it yourself. Very rational and realistic. I highly reccomend it to anyone going through this. Good Luck.
If you are not happy, DON'T MARRY. I mean if you marry and are not happy now, It isn't going to get better. Don't make a mistake. Maybe you all need a break from each other. It still sounds like you need to go and get some anti-depressants. I think you should go and talk to someone. It would help I am sure of it.
Life is to short, and there are to many wonderful people out there to live like that. Sorry, but do you want to live the rest of your life like that? That is what you will do if you marry him. Say this was your daughters fiance treating her like that. What would you tell her to do?
see a counselor about the talking issues, you alone if he wont go and your dr can help with meds for the depression and anger. i really feel that you should wait on tying the knot or YOU MAY BE IN KNOTS.
Well, I am sure some of your depression is linked to your current situation, but keep in mind some of it may be related to the depo leaving your body. Your "niccing" for it, so to speak. I have known other people who have had the same issue with depo. As far as your relationship with your fiance is concerned, consider this-- what is the definition of a "relationship"? it is to "relate" to someone. Would you hang out with your fiance if you weren't engaged? Is he someone you would consider to be a friend? I personally talk to my friends on a regular basis, and if we can't/don't/won't talk, they aren't my friend. And after almost 5 years of marriage, I know for a fact my hubby and I would not have made it if we weren't best friends above and beyond all else. I would suggest counseling for the 2 of you, and counseling for you each individually. And consider all your options, sometimes being married isn't necessarily the best for the child, a terrible marriage is not only a bad example to her for what marriage should be, but can also be hard on her in the long run, she won't understand why mommy and daddy don't seem to like each other. Children are very perceptive that way. I hope I do not seem like I am trashing your fiance or the relationship, but based on your post you don't seem to have a relationship much anymore. And always remember, you are strong enough to do it on your own if need be, you won't sink or fail or anything else. I am not a feminazi who thinks "well, you don't have to have a man", I firmly believe in healthy relationships and marriage and partnerships. But I don't believe you should have to rely on someone either, because push comes to shove (and it seems you are at "shove"), you can do it alone.
Seems like you have a lot going on in yoru life. I hate to say it, but it seems like you're there for his convenience, your his maid service. And why would you want to be part of a family to wherehis mom can tell him to leave you, and he does it! I would NOT want that as a mother-in-law! You only have one child, I say, get back on depo, you don't now want to have another child right now with this man, who is never home, imagine what two would be like. I too, do everything by myself with our son, my husband works long hours, and he's tired when he gets home to the point that he eats dinner, plays with our son, and off to bed he goes because he has to get up early. I know it's not easy doing it by yourself, do you have any of your family close by? Any friends you can turn to? I wish you the best of luck, but please, this man is going to make your life miserable, the #1 important key in a relationship, is communication, and I'm sorry darlin', but you just don't have that.
Until your fiance can step up to the plate and be a man, leave him! He hasn't learned how to be responsible for his own family (you and child), sounds like his mother's opinion means more than yours. Do you want a relationship with him or his mother?
Run quickly in the other direction!!! Sounds like his mom is too involved and has too much of a hold on him and your life. You're already doing it all yourself...this is not what marriage is like!!! I've been there and done that too and as hard as it was at the time, I found the most wonderful man since and am happier than I could ever be or could ever imagine, I had no idea what love was really like!!
Remember, things will not be solved by getting married, if anything, they will be harder. And kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. You owe it to your daughter and yourself to be happy.
Have you spoke to your doc about your depression and anger...could be some postpartum depression and sometimes meds will help you get over that hump...and with all your going thru anyway, something like Prozac may be very helpful in so many aspects.
Good luck and thinking of you!!!
I personally would not stay in a relationship like that. If things are not so great now, it is only get worse when you are married. I don't know how much he talked to you when you both first started dating. If you both do not have much in common then it sounds like to me that it is not going to work out. You need to do what is best for you and your child, but that is just my opinion. Good Luck!
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Things will get better for you. Don't let him get you down. Always remember to be positive!!
T.
It sounds like you have put some things into motion and that is good. Help yourself first.
I'd still like to say a few things if you dont mind. First off put off the wedding and even the engagement at this point. Dont "do it for your daughter", she would be better off raised by 2 parents that are apart and happy then by 2 that are together and miserable. You have tons to work on before you can live the rest of your life w/ this man.
I wonder what his mother told him about you to make him leave you. That is crazy. I'd tell her to mind her own business and stay far away from her meddling. Perhaps you should have let the house go and gotten another one, would that be an option? Its bad enough to have relationship problems but add the problems from the house and that can surely make for a disaster.
Perhaps the 2 of you need time apart. If he cannot talk to you then you are right, whats the point of being married. Marriage wont change that. Obviously by the way he is acting something else is going on w/ him that he hasnt shared w/ you. You dont want him staying w/ you out of pity or obligation and it sounds like that could possibly be an issue. Its just something to think about. You 2 definately need more time to talk and put everything on the table.
I wish you luck.
I have been married for 12 years. I have a 11 year old and a 9 year old.It does not change when you get married. I am in a one sided marriage. I feel like you do about what I am there for cooking,cleaning,our kids, sex when he wants. I felt like it was all my fault that I did something. I finally desided that it wasn't me. When he comes home I ask him about his day, he eats and either watches tv or leaves to go to his friends. When he desides to watch tv or leave I focus on the kids.I learned that even if he don't need me my kids do. I love my husband very much. It is hard to tell someone to do or try something,that may or may not work for them..
My advice is find someone to watch your daughter and go somewhere you went when you was dating, And tell him how you feel and ask him what his problem is. His problem could be his parents tell him things that aren't true or he might be worried that you will be living with them forever.
But you need to find out now before you in up in a one sided marriage.
Do you know what his mom told him that convinced him to leave you in the first place??? If not, then maybe find out. It could be the root cause to the problem now. But if you are that unhappy then you have one of two choices, try to get the lines of communication open with him so you can work together to take care of home and family or walk away taking your daughter with you. He obviously holds dear to what ever his mommy says and that is a tie you are going to need to sever. He is a father and a husband/boyfriend and has to put that first and foremost. If you are really that unhappy and feel that the relationship is lost, then I'd say move on. Make a happy home and life for your child. Don't regret it either, he obviously had no regrets leaving you 7 months pregnant.
Hugs!! It's a crapy situation to be in and I was there once myself with my daughter's father. I got the courage to leave him while she was 6 months old and it was probably the best decision I ever made!!
S.
that sounds like a bad situation, do you have any of your family to stay with? I would get out while you still can, obviously this man doesn't love you, or he wouldn't have cheated on you while you were carrying his child, and he seems like a mommas' boy too. I know its your decision in the long run, but I could never marry a man that left me while I was pregnant and treated me like your fiance treats you. you deserve something alot better than what he is offering you. best wishes on whatever you decide to do.
Hi J.
I think you got your answer when he doesn't talk to you.Your daughter and yourself is who you need to think about.If you marry him it could get worse.Listen to your heart ask yourself do you want to live like this the rest of your life?????Good luck.Lets us know how it all comes out for you.J.
I think we all go through rough spots in our marriages...here's something that helped us out A LOT and I would recommend it to everyone and anyone...even those with healthy marriages.
Sweetie, you need to seek the Lord on this one. Living with a man before marriage is socially acceptable in our culture, but it is still not acceptable with God.
I understand that you are committed to this relationship but it does not sound like he is. He has cheated on you, let you live out of motels and other people's houses, left you, and now he is ignoring you. This man is not committed to you or your ideas of what a relationship should be.
Look in your bible, knowing that if you ask God for an answer to your problem He will answer you, but be ready for an answer that you may not like. God will always tell you to live a holy life. It is not always easy but it is always profitable for our lives.
Jerimiah 29:11
You are in my prayers.
W. S.
It sounds like to me that your fiancee isn't ready. If you don't have communication now you won't have it later. You shouldn't settle for anything in a relationship, but you can compromise. Also, if he left you while you were pregnant based on his mom she may be a problem if or when you get married. Also, another problem may be his is feeling the brunt of responsiblity. You know wife, kid, etc. Alot of men don't handle stress very well and can't handle it. Sometimes love isn't enough. You need trust, communication, and some form of security. You may love him but now you have a child to think about. I know it may sound harsh, but I was in a similar situation about 6yrs ago. I got married my husband wasn't ready. Spent time with everyone but me and our children. Now I am divorced and a single parent. I also still managed to work full time and finish school with the help of family and friends. You can do it.
I'm so sorry about how you are feeling. First thing you need to do is take care of yourself. Once you do that, you'll be able to take care of your daughter better. You should consider going to your doctor and talking to him/her about how you are feeling. It is very common for young women/mothers to go through depression and anxiety because of everything that we are having to do and all the people we are expected to care for. You doctor may recommend an anti-depressant. As far as your relationship goes, this does not sound like a relationship to me. Every women deserves a man that will love her unconditionally and treat her with honor and respect. If you are not getting that from your fiance, you should consider the fact that perhaps this is not the person for you. Do not rush into a marriage if you are unsure of your future, it will just make things worse. You deserve better and there is better out there for you... I wish you the best - take care of yourself!
You deserve so much better than that! I know you have a child with him, but you deserve so much better...you are also teaching your little girl that is how you are suppose to be treated in a relationship. She learns that from you!!! If you dont take care of that and her AND yourself, no one else will! Teach her that you are worthy of someone loving you the way you are suppose to be loved...and she will feel worthy when it's her turn...teach her not to settle!!!!! That (you) she deserves the best, not mediocracy!!!!! You are a wonderful woman and he ought to be proud to be with you. And if he was proud and wanted to be with you, he would give 100% to the relationship! There is someone out there who would love to give you 100%!! OK, with that being said, my advice is to seek pre-marital counseling ASAP!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Jacquelline,
My grandmother told me that the only thing worse than no marriage was a bad marriage. She was right. I was in a sitation where my ex-husband was manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive, but wonderful to everyone else. Sound familiar? One day after he had been just plain mean, I said to him, "I wouldn't let you treat a child the way you treat me." Then, I started thinking, why would I let him treat me like that? Do you want him to treat your daughter like he treats you? If not, fix it or leave. It only gets worse after you're married. Please do not get married until you have it all worked out...it just makes it harder to leave. You deserve so much more than the way he is treating you.
After you've been in an abusive situation for a while (and you're in an abusive situation) it becomes harder and harder to see yourself as being worthy of more. Try this, write down every miserable thing he has ever done to you and everything you DON'T like about the way he treats you. If you can read all those things and realize that that is as good as it's going to get, then stay. I don't think that will be the case. Do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. By the way, it's not your job to say yes every time he wants sex. It should be OK to say no sometimes. When I ticked at my husband, he hears no a lot.
Good luck and please take care of yourself!!
You're definitely in a tough spot. If your needs for communication aren't met now, they won't be after you get married.
Hi J.,
I know you received a lot of responses and it thrills me that you read them and put some of them in motion. I'm not sure if anyone mentioned this, but the book "Five Love Languages" by Dr. Chapman. This book explains the love langauges and how to relate it to your loved one. It will help the way you feel. Also a good book is called "Creative Counterpart."
But please keep in mind that marriage is work and not romance, but it also can be wonderful. Also, take care of yourself, if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of others, especially your little girl.
I have been married almost 8 years this next July and two kids later and I still get giddy when I talk about him. But it has been work.
Quel
Hello!!! I read most of your comments. Well, my thoughts are that you have to listen to yourself....only you know your situation. As fast as his behavior changed for the worst, that's as fast as his attitude can change for the better. I will never tell anyone to give up on their relationship because, I don't know both sides of the story. But, for your sanity I think it would be best to indulge in something that pleases you. Find a hobby of interested that only involves you therefore you can enjoy this at anytime you choose. Your fiance knows that his lack of communication is making you angry so, unfortunately he is using this as a weapon against you. So take that power away from him. Control you happiest!!! I have and occasionally still am in your situation, So I decided to not give you the control of making feel happy or complete. DO IT FOR YOURSELF!!! All of the time and concerned that you have wasted on trying to fix his problems are not worth it. Don't give him the choice, time is too short, enjoy your daughter and your life being a mother.
Remember: It's easier to leave a fiance rather than a husband!
Well J. i was in the the same relationship you are in. But we was married and when he left he had another child with that person. God only knows how i felt but i took him back. and accepted the child in our life which he is a joy and i love him but what i did with the lack of comunication was talk about his work and find something that he is intersted in and talk to him about it my husband loves computer games called battelfield 2142 so what i did was starting playing the game with him and to tell you the truth i kind of enjoyed it that was the first step know he doesn't shut up he talks about every thing with me his ideas what he is thinking all kinds of stuff. The whole point is try something he likes may be ya both could talk about that.
I hope i gave you an idea
god bless
from D.
