Niece Is Spoiled Rotten

Hey, Cheer up it will get better. I have been in a similar situation. I don't think that you should but out like some other moms said because you all live in the same household and kids can be spoiled. It sounds like she realizes that by crying and throwing tantrums she can manipulate a situation. Some folks may not agree but oh well.

Don't give up. Offer to watch her while her mother is home. This will help because if she acts up her mother can come in from time to time and reinforce the rules. As far as with her not wanting anyone to touch or be around her mother, sometimes you can involve her in a hug. Helping her to understand that it is perfectly okay to love mommy but there is a whole world of other family members who love her too is key.

This too shall pass.

This is normal for this age range. My daughter hit this stage a little late at age 2 and it was frustrating. As hard as it is to leave her, if she needs to leave, she should just kiss her goodbye and go out for a while. No long drawn out goodbyes as this makes it worse. most of the time the crying is over 10 min after the parents leave. most kids play favorites off and on at this age, try not to take it personally.

I think she is acting appropriately for her age. That is not to say that she isn't working out some "issue." She is learning to express her emotions and deal with anxiety or frustration. I think it is important for her Mom and Dad to be calm and consistent with her. Prepare her for changes to her environment/schedule ("Grandma is going to give you your bath tonight, but Mommy will come tuck you in.") It is probably some of earliest signs of power struggles to come in the terrible twos. But the answer with a child so young is not to withdraw or force her into certain situations or punish. Instead, her parents should be even more responsive but also firm and consistent.

You, as an outsider, may want to look for a way to bond a little more with her. What are aunts for but to show up with ice cream and toys - are you above bribery? I am half kidding - you may want to work a little harder on distracting her when Mom is going and also spend some time with her and your sister so you don't become the person who is there "when Mommy goes away." She'll start crying the moment she lays eyes on you if she makes that association.

Understandibly, when Mom needs to leave, she needs to leave. The child has to accept and trust other people doing for her as well. At the same time, her Mom needs to continue to be responsive to her. We have all gone through this phase when our child feels super-clingy. It's normal. A child this age needs to feel secure. Only in this way will she learn to cope in stressful situations.

I think she is acting appropriately for her age. If anything, she may just be a very sensitive little girl who needs a little more coaxing or a little more cuddling than another child. I think it is unwise to label her as "spoiled." That implies that she is consiously being naughty. She is still very young, a baby, and I don't believe can be spoiled in the stereotypical sense. You cannot give a 15-month old too much attention, especially from her parent. A responsive Mom will lead her to feel secure and she will be a much more pleasent toddler and preschooler than a kid whose Mom tries to seperate herself from her child prematurely or tries to make her more "indepenent."

Remind your sister, that this too will pass. In a year, she will probablky be a daddy's girl and want nothing to do with mommy. So your sister might even try to enjoy all this extra "love." Remember, a secure child will be better equiped to soothe herself and deal with stress later on. So go ahead and "spoil" her now - it may make life easier in a year or so.

The advice I have for you is to: bud out. This is not your child and not your 'right' to say anything. Further thinking of children as 'spoiled' when they are under 3 years old displays an enormous misperception and lack of understanding about child development from your part. So I would say, unless you have a degree in child development or psychology, the best you can do is zip it.

The behaviour that this 15 month old is displaying is very normal. Children are just learning how to detach from their parents and this sort of anxiety she is displaying is part of her learning process. If youre truly interested in helping (and not labeling which implies that you've made a value judgement), here are some sites which can help:

http://www.babiestoday.com/articles/behavior/the-parent-p...

http://www.minti.com/parenting-advice/1234/Preferring-One...

http://www.babyart.org/baby/toddlers-physical-mental--emo...

http://www.thelaboroflove.com/articles/toddler-preferring...

http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p...

Hi C.,
This actually sounds somewhat normal. If she were older, I would think that there may be more of a seperation anxiety thing going on, but I don't think so with a baby so young. There is a stage where kids prefer to be with one parent or family member over another. It switches back and forth. My daughter who is 18m just entered this stage. Right now she is preferring Dad for everything - bath time, bed time, riding in the car if more than one car. The only advice I have is to try your best to ignore the temper tantrums. When my daughter is in full force, I just lay her on the floor, where she can't hurt herself and wait. Its easier said then done when you don't have somewhere to go on a timeframe. I usually try to distract my daughter - 'ok, are you done... I was going to go for a walk'... things like that. Try not to bribe her with food or a treat to stop the tantrums as this will be come a learned trigger, if that makes sense. Something that works for my babysitter is that I give her a hug, sit her at the table next to the babysitter, who has a snack waiting for her, and then I leave. The snack distracts her, but yet, isnt a reward, and she's usually fine when I leave quickly and quietly.
Good luck.
M.

just stick to your guns and don't give in. it should take about ten days, but if you stick to it and don't give in. you shall have victory. good luck

This is within the normal range for 15 month old behavior and will get better with time.

Well I certainly think that other response was a little harsh! I applaud you for trying to help your sister. It is a really tough situation when you are dealing with family members children. My oldest went through a similar stage when he was about 22 months. It feels as if it lasted forever and it was an extremely difficult stage to get out of but eventually we did. Honestly I don't even remember how. It's not really great advice but just know as with all things it will not last forever and she will not be doing this when she's 13.

K. - SAHM of 2 boys, 5 and 2

I think it's important for a child to have their needs met. In the grand scheme of life, this is really a very short period of time. It has been my experience, and my firm belief that if you meet a child's needs, they learn to be secure enough to become independent. Some babies and toddlers take more time than others with this because everyone is different.

If it is bothering your sister, maybe she can get her husband to spend time with her and baby together fairly often, instead of handing her off to go do something else (not saying that's bad, but that's what we tend to do when we want others to watch the baby) maybe she's just not ready yet to be with other adults without mommy. If Mom is available, and not working outside the home, it's worth it to meet the baby's needs.

If Mom does work, it will be more difficult.

Separation anxiety is a NORMAL PHASE and she is not spoiled. Children go through a phase usually between 1 and 3 years old were they are attached to one parent and ONLY one parent. This should not deter your sister from going out. Make aure she is fed, changed and happily occupied before leaving. Don't make a big deal out of it and this will pass eventually.

Your neice is not rotten, she is learning what makes the people around her tick. Using a firm voice whenever she is acting out should make the toddler straighten out. The mother and all others must learn not to tolerate the behavior. The child cries because it works for her; she's able to get what she wants via crying and falling out. She may not even be crying. notice if there are any tears. She may just be yelling. But even if there are tears, as long as you know her needs are met, it's okay to let her cry. Eventually, she will stop. Whatever you do, don't give in to the behavior. Notice that as soon as she gets her way...she goes back to "normal". Tough love will benefit the child in as she grows up. Good luck and God bless.

I think or should I say I know that your sister needs to break that right now. What she is creating is a monster. Not the child is a monster; however her behavior is that way. If she doesn't take control now, when I say no one is going to want to be bothered with that child and she will have a hard time when she starts school. I had to tell a friend of mines the same thing. I took her home with me for a few days and when she would throw her temper tantrum’s I just let her cry. This also can lead to problems in her marriage as well.

I agree that some of this is typical for the age. Your sister needs to be firm with your niece and realize that there will definitely be a period where your niece will spend a good deal of crying because she is not getting her way. She needs to "pretend" that the crying does not bother her, even though I know that as a mother, it tears us apart to hear our children crying. If she needs motivation, tell her to imagine this behavior in a 12 or 13 year old. It can only get worse if she feeds into it. I have a son-10, and 2 daughters - 8 and 3. Good Luck.

I have to agree with some of the others. This is totally normal at this age. My son is 14 months old and is the same way. He has been getting better because I have just been letting him cry. When my husband comes home he'll take my son into the playroom where he can't see me anymore and he's fine. Once I go in the room, he'll start crying to be with me but stops pretty quickly now. It's gotten a lot better and he'll even reach out for his daddy now when he comes home from work. Tell your sister she has to start leaving her with you or her husband for bits of time here and there without her in the room. She'll then start learning that mommy is coming back.

It's not that your niece is spoiled she just has seperation anxiety. It is something that your sister definately needs to address sooner than later or it will become a big problem when she starts school.

That is fairly typical behavior for some normal 15 month olds. Children go through stages (very common at about 15 months) where they may have separation anxiety.

While I know it can be tough, your sister just needs to allow other people (especially the father) to hold her/ tough her/ feed her.

This will pass.

Unless you believe your sister spoils your niece, then I'm not so sure her problem is that she's spoiled. She does sound like a mama's girl, and my niece was the same way, though maybe not as bad. I'm assuming your sister is a stay-at-home-mom. My sister-in-law is too. The best advice I could give is to suggest that your sister start your niece in some form of daycare so she can learn that someone other than her mother can care for her. It will probably be a rough transition, but it sounds like your sister (and the family) could use the break. Maybe try just a few mornings a week. My niece became a MUCH nicer, better behaved, child once she started preschool. Good luck!

C.,
My daughter was very similar to your niece. She still prefers me at 4 but is very well adjusted to other caregivers. I agree with the other posts that your niece is in a normal developmental stage; however, your sister still needs to remember that she is a person beyond her child. If that means taking some time to recoupe, then so be it. It is hard to walk away from a screaming child but you have to do it. My daughter was very colicky but I went yard-saling every Saturday morning in the spring-fall. I needed to take the time so that I could come home and be a better Mom. My daughter was with her Dad and very safe.

I think because I was "stong" enough to realize what I needed, I was able to help my daughter realize others can care for her.

My only suggestion is to make sure your sister does not drag out the good-bye. Don't try to prepare your niece for the separation because, as with my daughter, it makes it much worse. Just kiss her, say goodbye and walk out.

I applaud you for trying to help your sister. It is hard when children are in this stage of development.

For those who have harsh words, keep it to yourself. She is just asking for advice to help not to intrude. If people feel attacked or scolded when they come here for advice, they won't ask when it is really important.

Hi C.,
I was truly overwhelmed when I read some of the harsh responses that you received from some of these "mothers". However, that just lets me know that these are the types of parents who do not want anyone telling them how to raise their children therefore they should not be providing advice to anyone either. Your description of your niece as being "spoiled rotten" was truly taken out of context by some. Like I always say, I am from the old school and that is what our grandparents use to say. Now since "mothers" seem to be raising their children from books it is no longer acceptable to use such terminology. I applaud you as well for taking the time to help your sister. It use to be a time when that is what we all did, help family members raise the children. I guess the books teach differently. I agree with the advice that allowing your niece to cry when her mom leaves will not hurt her. Try to distract her with toys and other things that she may like to do. It would also be good for her to start spending time with others so she will not be so attached to Mom. And one more thing, I do not feel (in my unlicensed and unprofessional opinion) ha, ha, ha, that your niece has behavorial problems. That is another thing that we as parents need to get away from. Every issue that a child has does not require therapy. God Bless you and you continue to be a helping hand to your sister!!!