Nice Neighbors, But...

A friend with a pool had this same problem. She installed a flag pole, and when the flag was up, it meant come on over. When it was down, it meant we can't play. She printed a note explaining the system and taped it up on the door, and gate, then would not answer it no matter what. It works for her!

I live in an apartment complex and three of our neighbors also have boys in my son's grade. Our bell is constantly ringing. When he can't play, my son always tells his friends why (ie. doing chores, family time, dinner, etc) and will say when he can come out to play, if at all. The boys know that if they buzz again, he won't be able to come out at all. Family time means family only.

As far as the family across the street, I would put a lock on your gate, especially if you have a back patio door you can come in and out of (both for privacy, and home security). At that point, the kids (and mother) across the street would have inquired and you could have politely walked up and said "Oh, I'm sorry about that, we wanted to make sure the kids stayed out back. My folks flew in for the weekend and we wanted to make sure they got to spend as much time with them as possible." That way you're still getting the point across without sounding harsh. It's really hard to be polite to someone when they're not returning the courtesy.

I really liked the flag idea that one of the other moms posted. I'm a stay-at-home mom of two toddlers and a seven year old boy. By the time my husband gets home, I'm exhausted and the last thing I want to do is sit outside and babysit everyone else's children (which sadly happens quite often here). You're not old-fashioned (at least in my book :P). By expecting this privacy for your own family, it says that you would also extend this courtesy to your neighbors. I wish all of us were fortunate enough to have neighbors like you. :)

If it was me I wouldn't have a problem telling the neighborhood kids that your kids can't come out to play once in awhile.

As far as the parents being over. I would have politly introduced her to your parents and mention that they are only visiting for a short amout of time and you and the children don't get to see them very often. Most people would get the hint.

I hope this helps.

J. I would just tell your neighbors that you need family time so let them know you would appreciate if they would please ask if it is ok to come over, some people just need to be reminded. If the neighbor kids come and play without asking then politely ask them to go home/leave and remind them that they should ask you first if it is ok to play at your place.

Since the families have already started coming over without asking you will just have to be upfront with them. Once a 'bad habit' starts you need to address it head on, subtle hints usually don't work. I do like the garage idea, if it is closed family time, if it is open come on over... but the kids and moms should always ask to play/come over even with the above garage rule, it is just common courtesy.

I fully believe in being honest with your neighbors and not let them walk all over you, of course try to be nice about it. That way you have some control of what is going on in your area/yard.

On another note I think it is great that there are other kids in your neighborhood to play with. That shows a good healthy family neighborhood... so try to think of it in a positive way when you approach your neighbors. Be glad they want to play but just say you are a busy family and need some family only time.

Best of luck to you!

J.-

A cheaper way than the flag, but has the same affect, is closing your garage door. If your garage door is closed they can't play, if it is open they can. (obvioulsy you will have to explain this to the nighbors and their children) That is what we had to do in our nieghborhood, we live on a Cul Da Sac and everyones yard is free for everyone. A few of the neighbors and I discussed this very same problem and we came up with the garage thing, so our children would know when they could play or not without bothering them by ringing the doorbell.

Just last night we had 15 children in our garage, the summers get really long, but I would imagine that my children will only rmember what a great neighborhood we lived in and how fun it was :) At least that is what I tell myself, to keep sane.

S., mommy to three beautiful busy girls ages 7, 5 1/2, and almost 4, and a husband who deals with lots of drama :)

I ditto your feelings. I'm not big on being social with the neighbors. We live in a generally quiet neighborhood filled with "characters". The neighbors to the south of us are very nice, and will ocassionally chat with us. The neighbor behind us is "scary". The first afternoon in our house, we had a small BBQ in the backyard with our family and friends who just helped us move. In a very stern and parental voice, this neighbor called my husband by his full name, over to his yard through a line of very tall bushes that divides us from him. "Get over here right this instant!" He said. I freaked. We all freaked. I couldn't figure out how he knew my DH's first, middle, and last name since we just move in that day! My husband slowly walked over to the otherside, only to get 'reemed' out by the guy because the "kids" and our party were too loud. He also threatened to call the cops on us if the people didn't leave.

Things went down-hill from there. About a month later, after my husband left for work, he came up to the property line of the back yard and started up a chainsaw in a menacing way. I was on our patio playing with the kids, and "Scary" just starts threatening and challenging me to come over and stop him from cutting down a very large old tree on our property because he "didn't like it". He was just yelling and screaming about how my husband promised to get rid of it, and was taking too long getting around to it. Next thing I know, this old 9 ft Arborvitae was tumbling down. Later, he tried to have our very well behaved and professionally trained hunting dog impounded for barking. It was someone elses dog, but he blamed ours because my husband chewed him out for cutting down our tree!

Meanwhile, the neighbor who lives on the right side of us is a basically nice person, but as I said, a real "character" and as time went by, I started to smell trouble.

This neighbor was social to a fault. He made all the attempts to become one "happy family" and started borrowing stuff, just coming over to chat, and even just walked in the house one time looking for my husband who was not home. Don't get me wrong. He is a very nice man. But I knew right away, we didn't have the same value system or interests, and I didn't really want much more than an "aquaintence" level relationship after noticing that he had "parties" almost everynight since he was self-employed, and would talk my husband into venturing over for some "brewskis" and to "hang-out". The last straw for me was when he put a swimming pool in. He asked my husband to police it while he took a three week vacation somewhere because the neighbor was worried some young teens who worked for him might use his backyard for a "party".

He now somehow has opened a Day Care with his wife, and now there is alot of traffic and loud noise both day and night at the house.

I finally remedied the situation by forcing my husband to put up a privacy fence around our backyard. Between having our own resident Jason from "Friday the 13th" and a round the clock real-live "Animal House", it seemed to be the best solution short of moving. The fence instantly shut down alot of the "interference". Between police intervention, and the fence we have practically no interaction with "chain-saw" man. And we never get asked to come to parties or to lend yard goods anymore by the fellow next door.

The secret of making this work is, as soon as the fence goes up, no more answering doors for neighbors, and just making sure the coast is clear when you are coming or going from the house.

We don't let the kids play with anyone in the neighborhood. We rely heavily on playdates for social time.

I know this seems radical, but it really did improve things for us greatly. Otherwise, we were going to have to move!!

Dear J.,

I would invest in a fence!

J.

When this happens I tell the children we are having a "private" party or "family" time they can come back tomorrow and see if my daughter if my daughter wants to play.

OMG i WISH we had this problem! our neighbors suck. where do you live, we're totally coming over. hahaha

J.-
I didn't read any of the other posts so I may be repeating ideas... but here is what we have to do.

We made signs for our doorhandle and on the outside of our fence(like hotel do not disturb signs) that say "Sorry we can't come out to play" and "Have company try another night" each one a different color. Even the kids in the neighborhood that can't read know what the sign means. I do have to admit, there are times when the kids will sit at the corner and watch for the sign to be taken down but atleast they are not bugging us.

I started to look at this as compliment that these kids (and parents) feel so comfortable enough with us that they want to spend time with us. It is tough to remember at all times, but we moved from a city where NO ONE talked to one another and tried to out do one another, so happy. nice, wanting to spend time with us neighbors are great!

Good luck!

Pick a time and day that it is OK for the neighbor kids to come over, say Saturday afternoons. If the kids come to your house on a different day, you answer the door and say, "They can't come out today. They can play with you on Saturday afternoons. Come back then." Keep repeating yourself, and stick to it!

If adults come over, just tell them that you're making supper/having some quiet family time/whatever, could they come back and visit tomorrow.

Boy, Nicole's story could be a TV show. It's funny because I hear my friends in other cities talk about how everyone in their neighborhood are friends and they have BBQ's and hang out and I feel slightly jealous. I can't complain about my neighbors too much except the 16 year old and his loud music, the guy with the Harley that takes 5 minute rides every once in a while and the single guy next door who likes to talk our ears off. Those are pretty minor. I am a SAHM but if I worked like you I wouldn't want neighbors coming over all the time either. Realistically I am pretty private. My home is my escape.

I had a similar idea as some of the other women. I thought if you had a little sign on your door for readers and non-readers that you could turn to indicate that you were busy or that you were able to socialize. You'd probably have to have a break in time where you had to explain the sign to the kids.

Good luck!

You must be like the nice, young, hip fun family in the neighborhood and everyone enjoys your company.

As far as kids coming over......you are the adult (a parent figure) just tell them politely that you're busy or you have company and the kids can't play right.....their visiting with their grandparents or you're having family nite tonight.
Kids won't take it the wrong way....and most likely they will go home and tell their parents what you said......and they will get the hint (in a nice way).