Newly Widowed Mom of 3 Seeking Help

Hi J..

I've never lost a husband (well, I divorced him, but that isnt the same), so I can't pretend to know how hard it is to be going through what you are.

I did lose my dad to cancer four days after I turned 16, and my sister and brother were 9 and 7, respectively. From the experiences my mom and I went through, I can share a few things:

#1. Put yourself first. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but look at it this way: if you are always running yourself crazy trying to meet everyone's needs, then you will have nothing left with which to meet your own. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, and getting some time to youself. Take at least a couple of hours a week (even if it's broken up over a period of days) to do something for you.

#2. Ask your family for more. At first, offers of help probably come flooding in. Then, after a bit of time, the offers aren't coming as often. You may need to ASK for it. Ask your family and in laws to help when they can - pick the kids up from daycare for you, watch them for you if they can. Maybe they can come over and help you clean your house, so it doesn't take as long. Maybe your mother in law or mom, or dad, or sister in law (whomever) is a really good cook. How about they make you a meal you can freeze and thaw when you need it?
#3. Don't sweat the small stuff. The world will not end if you wait until Sunday to do your laundry, or if you don't wash the dishes right after dinner. Really, it won't! Spend the time after dinner with your kids, and try cleaning up after they go to bed (except leftovers, which should be wrapped up and put away immedately). My mom used to clean the house at night after we went to bed, so she could spend the time with us while we were awake.
#4 Use whatever financial assistance you have available to you. You now only have one income. Even if you and your children collect social security benefits, it can be a headache getting them (AND NEVER EVER CHANGE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT AFTER YOU START GETTING THEM OR IT WILL TAKES MONTHS TO GET THE MONEY AFTER THE ACCOUNTS CHANGE). If it's possible, see if you can work fewer hours. If you still have vacation time, use it when you know your kids will be out of school (the older one, at least), and spend the time with them.
#5 Do not make excuses for your children. yes, you have ALL suffered a horrible loss. You and your children will never "get over" it. Ever. You will learn to live with it and move on with your lives, but not "get over" it. They are all old enough to help around the house. They can all put their own clothes in a hamper (even a two yr old), and pick up their own toys. Your four year old can dust furniture, the 10 yr old can run a vacuum. Your 2 yr old can be your little helper, too. I make cleaning a game for my son (who can dust the table the fastest? the best?). My house might not be June Cleaver clean, but whatever, we cleaned it together.

Allow yourself and your children to grieve. There is a program called Good Mourning that is for grieving children. Put them, and yourself, in a support group (any grief support group, through church, the community, whatever)... you'd be surprised how much it can help.

My deepest sympathies for the loss you and your children feel.

I am really sorry to hear what your family has experienced. I am a sahm with three children ages 13,11 and 4. Maybe to help stay alittle bit more organized and spend more quality time with your kids, you could make Sunday afternoon with all three of your children cooking time for the following week. Have them each pick one meal that they really like to eat and put that on the menu for the week. Then all 4 of you could cook it together on Sunday and then freeze it. Then during the week, before you head out to work pull out what you want for dinner that night to thaw out and when you get home you just pop it into the oven or microwave. Then while you are heating up your meal you can have quality time with your children also doing homework or reading time. Another thing is on Saturdays make it fun to clean your house and involve your kids. At my house we put on the radio loud and we each have a choir to do. So we are dancing and cleaning at the same time and my kids and I both make out. They are having fun and my house is getting cleaned :)! Afterwards we treat ourselves to a homemade icecream sundae!! Good Luck to you and your family!!!

I am so sorry for your loss.

I was wondering if you've been able to connect with other widows/widowers, either in person or online. It's the sort of loss that seems really hard for people who haven't lived through it to relate to.

Just based on the small amount of information, it sounds like you are expecting so much from yourself. I notice that you worry about spending more time with the kids, about being more organized. You seem to have the whole world on your shoulders. Your strength is admirable, but I hope you are also reaching out for help. I know it's a cliche, but the advice to put your own oxygen mask on first - take care of yourself and that will benefit your children - is wise. (I agree with the poster who suggested asking your employer for a break in the extra hours - who treats a recent widow with children like that??)

Also, although your loss is not something you and your kids will ever "get over," time will help, and you don't have to get everything perfect these first months and years.

Jaimie -
I'm so sorry for your loss!

Are you in a support group for widowed moms? I would imagine there are some good ones.

Also, I've heard some people really like the Fly Lady www.flylady.com to help them get organized.

Some people find that touching things only once (like putting the dishes directly in the dishwasher or dealing with mail all the way thru only once) is helpful

Getting rid of clutter and having storage areas/containers for everything is helpful for me. I've seen/read that having the kids pick out their storage containers and such is helpful to keep them involved in being organized.

Other thoughts:
Make meals once a week in bulk at home (or do Super Suppers or Dinners by Design type places to get all your meals done for the week in a 2 hour timeframe)

Lay out the kids clothes for the week on Sundays and hang them in day of the week/sweater hanger storage pockets

Unload the dishwasher 1st thing in the morning

store gargage bags inside the garbage container, under the one being used

store things where you use them the most (ex: kitchen knives near the cutting board, cups near the water faucet etc)

make to do lists

have a family calendar

Good luck and hugs!!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I am a mother of three and don't know what I would do without my husband. I can give you a little advice that may help you....
1)always make time for the kids...no matter what! the laundry, dishes, cleaning can wait. kids grow up so fast. they wont remember that you had a tidy house or that you always had a nice meal on the table.
however, they will remember that you played with them. that you ate popcorn with them and watched movies, etc.

2)buy a busy moms calendar...they are wonderful

3)get the kids to help you out around the house..reward them if you want to

4)never turn down help

i hope this helps.
A.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I have lots of little ideas that I can help you with. What do you need organized?

My parents used to set aside one or two Saturdays or Sundays a month just for the "family" to go out and do something special together to have some quality time. I would say make a family night weekly as well. Play games, watch movies, go out to dinner (old country buffet is decent and has lots of different stuff and generally isnt' to expensive and has a bit healthier choices then say Mc Donald's or Burger King)

Let me know what you need help with. I am also a stay at home mom of two so if you ever need a babysitter p/t or f/t i would love to help out. I know how expensive daycare is so I wouldn't require a lot of money. :)

Have you ever considered work from home? I started doing it in August and since it's my own home-based business, I get to set my hours and schedule according to what the kids need and how the rest of my day is. I'm a full time student as well and go to classes three nights a week, so that means I ahve to set my hours of studying, homework, and the rest just kind of falls into place. It's really helpful if you follow a routine. You can always change it up a bit so that it doesn't get boring and makes it fun for the kids too.

Organization? Depending on what needs to be done, make a game of it and get the kids involved in playing the 'organization game'. Try it out and see what happens.

I have my days too where I can't manage or things don't go as planned and I do one of two things; I just say forget it and hang out with the kids or if it's something that CAN'T WAIT, I try to get the kids to join in and make a game out of it.

I'm so terribly sorry for what you and your kids are going through. If you need to talk, you can send me a private email; I'm a great listener and I can also give you more tips; I have four boys...10 1/2, 9, 4 1/2, and 3. Yes,they're my little men and I try to give them the best entertainment a Mom can give to herself and the kids.

Good luck.

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you need a really good support system. Even though I don't know you, I think you need some help. I have 3 children also and it is very tough to stay organized. Your kids are old enough, would letting them have friends over to play help you get things done while they are having fun and playing? It sounds kind of backwards having more children over but I have found that when just my oldest has a friend over, I can still pay attention to what is going on and clean the kitchen or fold laundry.
The biggest thing I think you need to do, is ask for more help. That way you can spend more time with your kids and get things done. Don't feel guilty, everyone in the right mind should know that you need some assistance because 3 children is tough! Good Luck! If you want to keep in touch and need someone to talk to feel free to email back. I understand if that feel akward though!

hi J.!

my name is N. and i have been a professional organizer for over 10 years. my daughter is a first time mom and we share mamsource messages all the time! she saw your message and sent it to me-how can i help? i go all over the chicagoland area, western suburbs and beyond to help people organize their lives and being the mother of three grown children,2 small grand daughters and the oldest of 6 and i have seen it all! let's talk!

There is a website called Flylady.net. It is a great way to get your life and house organized and some tips to keep you going. I used it when I first had my son and now back on the steps again. She talks about baby steps and how to get your life and house back in order. I hope that works.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I work full time during the day and then part time at night. With a husband, 20 month old, and 3 yr old, I completely understand trying to find time for your family. My part time job at night is at Dinner by Design. This is where you can prepare anywhere up to 24 for dinners in a 2 hour session. This is such a huge help for my family. Most of the meals you just have to throw in the oven for about 30 minutes. It's wonderful. Please contact me if you need any help or just need someone to talk to. Take care.

Hi J.,
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, it must be really tough. Jaimie if I had to say anything first and foremost. If there is anyway to cut your hours at work DO IT!! With all the stresses you have you will soon become overwhelmed with life. Sit down and make a budget of all of your monthly living expenses and see just how much you will need to bring in your household to make it and adjust your hours at work accordingly if possible. Hopefully your boss will understand your current situation and will be willing to work with you Are you and your children able to recieve SSI benefits from your husband? If so J. use those monies for your support right now and give yourself some time to I am definately able to get with you if you need. Please send me a private message letting me know. Take care J..

warm regards,L.

I agree with the PP about everything she said. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please contact me if you need anything even just to talk.

Jamie,

I feel so sorry to hear your story. I have tears when I read your request. You are too young to go through this, but have faith and belive that you can do it. My advise for you is do not try to organize everything all at once. First and for most your well being is number one! you are the only one their for these three kids so take care of yourself first. If you are not working over the week end, try to do the cleaning and the laundery during the week, then you will have some time to sapre with your kids over the weekend. Or go to the movies with the two oldest kids while your family taking care st of the little ones. Have dinner at Mcdonald's with the kids at least once every other weekend. Take your bills and mails to work, use your 1/2 hr brake to eat your lunch and the other 1/2 hr to pay your bills.

I hope this helps!
Take care
E.

Jamie,
My suggestion would be to not get too stressed out over things that may get left undone. It's okay if the dishes were left in the dishwasher or if laundy gets done on Sun instead of Sat. You are flying solo now and that's a new adjustment that may take a little more time than you're allowing. You just lost your husband a few months ago. We just had a second baby in Nov and we are still adjusting to the word kid with an "s" on the end. Take the necessary time to adjust to being a single mom. There's no rule book that says you should be well adjusted and organized 4 months after loosing a loved one. Give your kids the time they need because they're adjusting too. Then slowly add in other things piece by piece.

God Bless,
M.

Dear J.,

I am so sorry for you loss. I wanted to give you some ideas on how to spend time with your kids and get the houswork done at the same time. I also have a four and a just turned 2 year olds. Here are some of the things that we do together around the house.

Takeing out the garbage and recycle...
I take out the bag of garbage and my two kids take out the recycle. I put it in a grocery bag for easy carrying.

Dinner...
My 2 year old put the silverware and napkins on the table and if we need anything like the ketchup and mayo she also does that. My four year old take the plates and gets the milk or juice. They both even help me carry bowls of food to the table. We dinner is over they carry their plates to the garbage and my 4 year old scrapes his own and I help my 2y/o. While I do this we talk about whatever they want.

Laundry..
My kids like to help fold the washclothes(they may not be perfect but they feel better) I also have them put away their own clothes even my 2 year old. I even put little laundry baskets in both of their rooms and now they put their dirty clothes in them. My kids also like to help put the clothes in the washing machine.

I let them help me if they want. There are some things that I make them do and now it is not an issue. Like the dirty clothes. I found that a lot of times they just like to help so they can spend more time with me. If you have any ideas let me know. I know in the fast pace of life we forget to take a couple of minutes out and spend time with our children. but just remember they grow up fast. I hope you can find the time to spend with your kids. But you also need some time to yourself. I am a single mom and I work anywhere from 40-70 a week. But I am lucky because I do daycare out of my home, so I am with my kids, but don't always get the quality time. When things get a little stress full I pack up the kids and go to PLayWorld in Rockford. It only cost me $6 for a whole day worth of fun. I even pack a lunch and keep it in the car and when we get hungry or thirsty we just go to the care for a break and then come back in. If you go you might want to buy knee pads for yourself. I go and play with the kids and no one has said anything to me. Good Luck and if you need anything please let me know. Talking to others might help.
B.

Jamie,

My prayers are with you. Here are several suggestions that might be of assistance. First, if you family and in-laws are watching your younger children while you are working, ask if they would be willing to do a load of laundry or clean a room for you once a week.

Second, consider using one of the new services where you go in and prepare a weeks worth of meals at a time. They package for your freezer - you put in the oven to cook. Use paper plates when you feel overwhelmed. It won't ruin them for life.

Label each child's clothing and keep separate laundry baskets for each child. If you can, do each laundry basket separately. You then keep each child's clothing ready to be put right away in their drawers.

Purchase five crates and label for each child. As they come in the door, place boots, hats, clothes in the bins with backpacks on top of the bins. No need to search for items as you are leaving.

Be sure your 10 year old uses an assignment notebook and a homework folder. One pocket for work to be done, one for completed work. You minimize the possible of lost papers for school.

If you can, hire a teenager to come on Thursdays after school to clean your house. Teenagers love the money for the weekend, are less expensive than services, and you don't have to spend the time yourself.

Set a calendar up on your refrigerator. Give each child a day several times a month when they get to choose the activity for the family. Can be as simple as the choice for dinner.

Roll your children's bedtimes. This way you get to read to each one individually. If you can, have your 10 year old read to your 2 year old while you read to your 4 year old. You then get to spend time with your 10 year old.

Keep your bills organized. Be sure to file everything so you have them ready for taxes next year.

Finding a system takes time. You will find one that works best for you.

I sent you a personal message.