Newly Weds with a One Year Old............

Communication Communication Communication!!! You have to talk to him about how you feel. Nothing will change if you don't talk. I've learned that communication in a marriage can be one of the hardest things to do.
I do give you credit for approaching this now and not waiting until you're really mad and bitter. Good Luck!

can i just say how shocked i was to hear of someone who can totally relate to my situation. my husband and I were married 5-28-05. He was deployed 8-2005 and i found out i was pregnant five days before he left. (we were planning to get married oct 2005 but when he found out he was getting deployed we moved our wedding up to may and planned it in a month) so i too went through an entire pregnancy and raised my son on my own as well for 8-9months. He returned home nov 2006 and we have been going through so many adjustments! i actually had moved to oklahoma while he was deployed so that my parents could help me. then when he got home we moved back to madison. so we have been going through all the adjustments of being "newlyweds" even though we will be married two years this may, plus being parents together, and just simply being back together. As glad as i am that he is home it is so hard to get used to being back together! so i understand!!! i am not having the same issues of him with the partying (he is mid thirties so i think he is over that stage thankfully) but i totally understand how difficult this. i think the hardest thing about it all is feeling like noone understands. i also keep trying to remind myself he has only been back 3 months and that i shouldnt expect everything to be back to normal (if it ever will be) so it made me feel not so alone when i saw your posting. for so long my biggest complaint is that noone can understand the hell i have been through in the last year and a half (i also got severe postpartum depression after my son was born april 2006. i would love to talk more through email since i think we can totally relate to each others situation (its a very unique situation that luckily most women wont ever have to endure). ____@____.com

Hi J.-
Wow, that sounds like a tough situation - maybe even tougher than the one you've been through with the separation. It sounds like you are working hard at giving him his 'space' but it is equally important that you realize your feelings about this matter a lot, too. Hopefully you could talk with him about it and let him know that it is a priority for you that he get his needs met, but also that he realize that he is now a father and a husband and your needs and your baby's needs also deserve to be a priority. It is time to work towards finding a balance between both of your needs and the needs of your son. Welcome to marriage and family! With him away, this is not an aspect of marriage that either of you have had to face. It may help to consider that joining as a partner with you may be completely a foreign concept for him, especially since you both have been living so independently. He may also feel at a loss over how to be a father to his young son who may seem like a bit of a stranger to him. Maybe he feels more comfortable hanging with friends than assuming these new roles. It is good and healthy to be understanding, but your concerns matter and you have a right to be heard. The last thing you want to do is become angry and resentful, which can lead to fighting and tension and drive him even further away. Approach him calmly, tell him about your feelings and invite him to suggest solutions. Find out what might be satisfying at this stage, such as one night a week reserved for 'family time', or something else that feels right for both of you. Find out what he may need from you to feel supported as he makes some big changes. See what SMALL steps you both can take to ensure tha long-term health and strength of your marriage and family. Good luck!
S.

I am not in the same situation at all, but my fiance and I have had simillar issues. The thing that we have done that has worked best is to take some time for just the two of you to be together, without your son. It may be difficult since you said your family lives out of state, but maybe you could find someone who could babysit twice a month or something. Just getting some alone time without the baby has helped us out tremendously. This is obviously only one piece of the puzzle, but it could help. Good luck with your marriage and family. You are a trooper for going through all of this alone, I cannot even begin to imagine.

Oh girlfriend... I have been there. My husband was deployed 6 months into our marriage. He also missed the pregnancy delivery and first 9 months of our first daughter's life. My husband was also VERY distant on the return from Iraq and things were very hard. I would be lying if I said that things are really easy now, but it is getting better.

Most importantly, you need to tell your husband how you feel when he is distant. It is hard to talk to him sometimes, I am sure... but he is your husband now, not a child that has no responsibility to you, so he has to accept that marriage includes talking and communication. You aren't just his roommate, you are his lover, wife and confidant and he needs to use you as a resource to get through the adjustment to being home.

It is so hard to get over that as a newly wed couple, you are one of the ones who really had to miss the "honeymoon" stage because you had to get right down to business and be a serious couple dealing with REAL issues. (like a deployment and the possibility that he may not return) It is scary to be a military wife and the constant worry that your husband may not return home doesn't help. Now that he is home all you really want is to hold him, hug him, hear about his time apart from you and be soooo grateful that he did return home. But his apart time from you is hard because you missed out on a lot of the newlywed stage and time with him that was no doubt difficult for you both.

Make it clear that you are glad he is back and you want time that you missed. You can't get it all back, but you can sure try to make up for some of it!;) Also let him know that you would like him to understand that though he was gone fighting in a war, that you had you own war at thome too... being a single mom and working hard to learn to be a new mom alone... you may have had support... but the real struggle was left to you at 4 am when baby wouldn't sleep adn the worry that your child would gorw up happy and healty ended up falling all on you!

And I think he needs to know that.

There is going to be a lot that he thinks you don't want to hear about his time overseas, and more than likely, there is stuff you will wish later you didn't know about the things he may have had to do overseas, but you also will need to keep in mind that he did what he had to do to LIVE and come home to you and your son. And you remind him that to be married means you need to work together and feel like a team. That includes time togetehr and RESPONSIBLE spending of money and time apart. He shouldn't be out a lot of nights in the bars drinking it up, but it may be his way to get over his time away... but it still isn't right.

Counciling helps.... really. And veteran services should be able to give you and he some sort of services for free.

Not many people know what it is like to adjust to home life after war, and the military certainly isn't helpful in making the adjustment easy either... but you can do it. I have so far and it has been almost three years since we have been back AND we have had another child since then! :)

Good luck. I will be thinking of you. Please feel free to email to chat with me anytime. I have been there and sometimes a pal just to commiserate wtih helps!

Hi J. I am sorry to hear that you guys are having trouble with this. I want to let you know that you are not alone. We have a friend who was deployed and injured and returned in a year and they also had a baby while he was gone. When he came back he had a hard time adjusting to civilan life. He would play all day games on the computer and not help out with the kids and so on. They seperated for awhile and are now working things out. I would suggest that you look for some sort of support group for you alone and ask if he would like to find one for himself. Returning from war is a difficult trasiton, he may ge suffering from depression. I would suggest you guys try to talk about what your feelings are and tell him your concerns. I also suggest marital counseling I find it is very helpful if both want to go. I will pray for you and the soldiers returning.

Jenni - I totally agree with Melisa about "the more demanding you get, the less likely you get your desired results from your hubby" part. It indeed is hard to do, but it seems to work. I was in a very similar situation and actually am still in the process. My husband came back last November. We did have the same problems you're having now when we had our first child. Unfortunately I think men in their 20s are generally like your husband (just as my hubby was) and they do need some time away from those huge responsibilities (unfortunately quite often). It was really hard to understand then but I tried to be supportive, which worked out. He will appreciate later that you endured this hard time. My husband now realizes that he was a little less than a "perfect" father and husband back then. Remembering that the child is the best byproduct of the loving relationship between you and your husband may help...it did help me. It kept me moving on even when I felt overwhelmed. I sent you a personal message with my email address, please feel free to email me.

I'm not married to military, but I live in Brooklyn Park, and I know that the community college is hosting a lot of family reintergration activities for families where one parent has returned from deployment, to try to cut down on the stress and weirdness.

I hate to say this but he is still very young and hasn't really had to be as responsible as you. My husband doesn't even bring his phone with him sometimes which drives me crazy. We actually went to counseling about this. The counselor suggested we set a time and some "rules" that we are both comfortable with so I don't sit up all nite anxious. Also, you just need to trust that he loves you and isn't doing anything wrong. It's hard to give advice without knowing your husband but if he is trustworthy then you just have to trust him. Communicate your needs and enjoy the time that you get when you are out without him as well. It will make you feel less resentful.

Sounds like you two need to sit down and talk about finances and you yourself should read the book of rules it is a dating book--but pretty much sum s up that men like to conquer as wierd as that sounds and women need to be elusive(busy)insecuritys are un- attractive to men(as well as women)--they like secure women that are busy --make yourself hard to get ahold of --like he has been--and yes sounds like a game but it is the game of LIFE
in youth we go through the ups and downs and this guy sounds very immature-he should be taking care of his family and not partying-spending $ you need for your family, but you both also need your friendships--it is hard -im pretty much same boat but ive been married 2 times, am 43 and my 2nd husband travels alot alot like being deployed--i see him 8 days or less a month
but we talk everyday and we make sure we have retirement savings ,college funds going and bills taken care of and that we love each and we nurture our friendships as well--as our relationahip-

-my first husband was a wonderful person but an alcoholic and after 20 years together --sobered up and became this sarcastic jerk and went to aa and shared all our personal stuff with strangers --got tired of the holier than thou attitude and level of disrespect. (he tried to get back with me for 2 year after the Divorce) i couldnt take steps backwards)
--so left him

and as i was saying my husband a nd i have been married 4 years but are like newlyweds with how much time we have spent together (not much) have moved 4 times and have a 3 year old ,your new husband should be taking care making sure you are happy and your baby is getting his attentions as well--if you are too busy for him he more than likely will come around wanting more of your attention--(reverse psycology)
that is all i have to share at the moment--been there done that ,bought the ticket rode the boat....read the book i suggested,and im telling you it will reveal--when you were dating what signs he was giving you and how to interpet --whether he is in the relationship --or not,as far as being elusive when hes out drinking--it would raise red flags for me personally--read the book you may be surprised at what it reveals ---i wish my mom would have given it too me when i met my first husband i wouldnt have married him ---(pretty sure)reading the book would have saved me many years of heartache and i am in my new relationship with eyes open --and always leave my husband wanting more ----(time with me)
M.

Dear J.,

I am by no means a counselor, but I can understand how both you and your husband feel. From watching a Dr. Phil show, I learned why my husband does not "keep in touch" while he is out. The reason is this is him time with his friends--the point of being out. Unless it is an emergency, you should try to let him be while out with the guys. However, if there is an emergency, you need him to answer your call. You should sit down with him and discuss this. Let him know that you are going to repsect his time with his friends but if you do call, it is for an emergency (and stopping to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home is not an emergency)and you would like for him to answer your call. You should also let him know that you do not mean to minimize the importance of him spending time with his friends, but that you missed him too while he was gone and began your married life and raising your child alone while he was gone and would like to begin your life as a family now. I have learned that the more you demand, the less likely you are to get your desired results. I'm sure if must be very difficult on your husband to have been gone for so long, miss the "honeymoon" stage of your marriage, miss your pregnancy (which generally gets the man prepared for the birth of the child) and to come home to be an instant dad. With everything your husband went through while gone, he must have a lot of stress to deal with (not saying that you do not) but he was off in almost another world and life was completely different. I'm sure it's going to take some time for him to get readjusted back to a normal life. Open communication is so very important. You need to be honest with your husband about how you are feeling, and really listen to how he feels. You will both need to comprimise, but that is what marriage is about. And let your husband know that it is important he bond with his son now or as your son grows, he may resent his father not being there for him (which my husband and I are dealing with this with our 12 yr old due to my husband's lack of time spent with our son as he was growing up). Good luck. I hope some of the suggestions help you both to work past this.

I would think that after having been "on his own" for 15 months he's having a hard time adjusting to family/civilian life and having to check in. Parenthood itself is a big transition, which you had to deal with on your own, and he's not catching up to you. I don't know that I have any advice other than telling him how you feel, and coming to some kind of compromise about how much time you're comfortable with him being out, and wanting him to check in with you. Good luck!

Communication is extremely important in a relationship. He's not communicating with you and reallly doesn't sound like he's digging this marriage thing. I would think after coming back he would be excited to be a father and spend time with you but then again he's use to solely hanging out with the guys like he did the past 15mos.Maybe try counseling or something.