New SAH Dad (Bad Time Mgmt) & Mom Returns to Work- Advice/Words of Wisdom Needed

Well, we have been in the same situation for 2 yrs now, only with one kid. She's 4 now. In the beginning it was hard, he was distracted and also working at nights and exhausted. I learned to live with the house not being as clean as I wanted it and excepting whatever could get done. If I had the time and/or energy, I would jump in and do stuff. But I had to lower my expectations, which is hard since I like a clean house. So, now 2 yrs later, he generally does a better job and was able to get into the swing of things. He quit his night job after 10 mths and things got a lot better with him awake.

I used to make lists, he lost them. I tried a million things, but lowering my expectations was the best. The girls should be able to help with stuff around the house and be happy to be helpers. My husband has since learned to make a to-do-list and keep it on him and then he can be more focused and get more done. The past couple of months have been the best.

Congrats on having a job and try to enjoy it and not get too overwhelmed with home. :)

H.

One little piece of advice I can give is you are going to have to let go of perfection. You have to keep in mind what an ego blow it is to a man to be a sahd in the beginning anyway. It's a hard enough transition without us putting our impossibly high standards on them.
My husband stays home with the kids. He does a great job parenting them and a very mediocre job cleaning the house. But I wouldn't dare try to micromanage the way he chooses to run his day. If he tried to set my day up for me, I'd be pretty pissed. We're all grownups and we know what needs to be done. Granted, my husband does a swipe on the cleaning most days. He really keeps everything picked up and the laundry and dishes done most of the time. But on the weekend, that's when the actual "cleaning" happens. If something is important to me, I might ask him the night before - "hey honey can you please ... I've been meaning to get to it, but I just haven't been able to muster the energy." That's a very subtle way of giving an asignment. You also can not expect him to jump in feet first to ALL the cleaning and ALL the cooking. I still cook most nights. I crock pot quite a bit. He might surprise me with dinner once a week or so. And that's ok. I still do all the shopping, as well. I couldn't begin to explain to him all the home economics I've learned over the years to stretch my grocery budget and get the most for our money. So, it really makes sense for me to continue these duties.
To prepare, I would put more emphasis on his mental state and in building him up as a dad and letting him know how much you appreciate his contribution to the family. Make sure everything is organized for him as possible and that you are stocked up on everything he will need. Point out the favorite parks in the area and indoor play places, the library, etc. One thing that really helps my husband is a membership to the YMCA. He can go work out and take the kids several days a week. The Y daycare is free, so it gives him a chance to workout and keep all that testosterone up. Gives him and the kids a social outlet.
Good Luck on your new chapter

it won't be easy, but you've got to relinquish a large degree of control over how the household runs without you. look at the all posts here about how SAHMs resent the expectations of what the house looks like and how unappreciated they are! i think it will be even harder for you if your partner is a bit of a ditz, but if you can keep your cool and just be supportive and encouraging while he figures it out, it will all stay together (even if it looks very different from how you would do it all yourself.)
you also have a very new baby, which frazzles everyone.
good luck!
:) khairete
S.

A couple of possibilities might help:

1)put in a load of laundry before you leave, set the timer on the oven for your husband and ask him to finish the job. One load at a time so it doesn't overwhelm.

2)Cook with your husband. Shop together on the weekend for the whole week. Cook together when you get home. Try to cook double and freeze to prevent cooking nightly. Don't have a major meal every night. For example ask him to boil eggs during the day and put them in the frig. The two of you can make egg salad together quickly in the evening.

3) Let things go. He isn't you and he won't do it like you. Acknowledge the way he does it is good enough. And if that doesn't work hire someone to help.

.

Yep--dads do things "differently" but that's not the same as "wrong" or "incorrectly". I'm betting he'll see REALLY fast what needs to be done and he'll figure out a way to work it all in--you know, kind of like all of us MOMS have done? LOL

Managing his schedule for him sounds like a mother/child relationship to me (maybe that's necessary in your situation) and will probably cause resentment on his part, and exhaustion on yours. Maybe he can go to flylady.com and try to create and manage his own schedule and routines. Maybe go to the website together and talk about it. Good luck!

Is it that he doesn't have time mgmt skills at all or does he just have DIFFERENT priorities in those dept.?

Yes, I would write out a "schedule" for the family... But really your gonna have to just let him be and not stress about it!
My hubby is a very structured person... Me, more relaxed... Yes, I get everything done (his list for me) by the end of the week, But alot of times I am focusing on the little things that hubby doesn't see...

Write down the IMPORTANT things... Then let him deal with the consequences... YOU are going to work... so it is then HIS responsibility to do the laundry, cook, etc... Just as you would do it if he was working... Sit down and TALK TO HIM... Talk about what You expect, what HE expects and see what happens... The kids are also old enough to help out with picking up, cleaning off/ setting the table, gathering laundry, etc... Between the 2 of you, come up with a chores chart for the kids... Respectfully tell hubby that his work will be easier if he makes them stick to theirs too! :-)
Since he is going to be the full time care giver, you need to make sure that you are backing HIM up when you get home. :-)

You have 3 kids...the house is not going to be perfect and dinner isn't going to be fabulous! Your hubby will have to find his own routine and rhythm but you could ask him if he needs help getting started. Things will be rough for a month or so and then he'll probably be a pro at juggling the kids' daily activities. I am a SAHM and I caution you against expecting that your husband is a super hero when it comes to housework! With two kids (5&4) I still struggle to keep order in my home....and a baby adds double the amount of work to anyones plate so be patient, kind and helpful when you get home. You know how you feel about not having enough time right now...that is how your hubby will feel each and every day! In short, the way I handle all of my daily responsibilities is to try to be calm and accomplish whatever I can each day and I try not to beat myself up over not getting ALL the laundry done, or leaving the dishes in the sink for the next morning if I am just too tired at the end of the night. Best wishes to you and your family!

I didn't read all your responses but I wanted to weigh in because my husband became a SAHD (kind of) about a month ago. He works Fri-Sun so we pulled the kids from daycare Mon-Thurs and they go to a friend's house on Fridays. I am very organized and Type A personality and my husband is not. I worried that he would be the same way. But for the most part, things have gone really well. Sure there have been a few times I got home and the house was a mess but for the most part, I get home and he's cooking or has dinner made, laundry has been worked on all day (he never used to fold but now does this) and sometimes the floor has been vacuumed. I can't ask for much more! I asked him if he wanted anything from me (meal planning, scheduling activities for the kids, etc) and he said no. So I would not push it with your husband because he may feel like you are trying to run or plan out his entire day and he'll resent that. I do think, that when you get home from work each day, you need to give him the option to go and be by himself, spend some watching tv, on the computer, working out,etc to just gather himself again. Even though you worked all day, you still have the commute to and from work (and for me lunch during the day if I want to get away, time in the morning to get ready sans kids) so I have really realized how important that has been for us. He really appreciates the few times alone (and sometimes when I offer he doesn't take me up on it) but there are times he does!

I only have two kids but what I do as far as cleaning is I pretty much clean as I go. Husband and I vacuum probably 2x a week. I clean the bathrooms (we have 2) usually every other week (1 of them only hubby uses the shower and kids rarely use the toliet) but it's in our bedroom and I honestly don't care if that is as clean as the main bathroom! That one, I usually clean while the kids are in the tub. And Chlorox wipes are my best friend! You can do every portion of the bathroom while the kids play! Sometimes I'll sit down and scrub the floor with a magic eraser (hate how our laminate floor retains dirt) but most times I just do a thourough job of cleaning the toliet and sink.

Hubby and I both work on dishes - he'll usually take care of them during the day, I take care of them after dinner or if I put the kids in the tub he'll do that or tell me to leave them for the next day. On the weekends, I take over and make extra meals for him since he works 12+ hour days. We make sure to tell each other if there is laundry to be done so we keep that going all week. In the basement, his man cave is his area so I don't clean or take care of that. He'll vacuum it usually every week. And our unfinished portion of our basement has a play area and scrap area for me but we keep it fairly clean.

Good luck! My husband and I talk about a third kid and I think his biggest fear is taking care of three kids during the day...which is a valid fear, but I think if we planned, we'd have another when our oldest goes to kindergarten, which is similar to your situation. I think if you can assist in getting your daughter ready/to school or on the bus before going to work that may help. Or ask your husband if it would be more helpful for you to go to work early (if this is an option) and get home earlier in the evenings.

If you have family/friends around, enlist their assistance with the 4 and 3 month old. Every other week my mom takes both kids for a few hour playdate then the other two weeks a month she'll take my 3.5 year old on an 'outing' (she wants them potty trained before taking them out and about for a day and my son is only 1.5).

Good luck mama!!!

Hi there! My DH and I work fulltime and have daughter age 5, and two boys ages 3 and 13 months. It is very hard and I hope someday to be home as it is very stressful. LOL :)
In the meantime my DH and I are partners so it makes it easier for me because he does more than his fair share to keep us on track.
Sometimes the dishes do sit for a day and not everything gets cleaned up because lets face it there are only so many hours in a day.
Why are you returning to work and your hubby at home? Do you make more? Was he laid off? Why can't he stick to a routine? Adult ADD or just the fact he will be Mr. Mom? Seriously if it will be hard for him to stay at home then he needs to find a job so you don't go crazy doing double duty and becomming resentful.
If the only option is for you to be the breadwinner than I would have a conversation with him about realistic expectations and what will get accomplished. Turn to crock pot cooking, doing laundry on the weekends and split the errands in half.

Exactly what Tracy said. We did this for a year with only 1 child and it was a lot for my DH to handle! As you know, with 3 small kids, he's not going to have a lot of spare time. Definitely have a discussion about whose responsibility things are and mention that you see this as a very important job position for him and that he should treat it as he would a job. Ask him how you can support him in his position and what would be helpful to him (ie menu planning, etc) or if he feels like he has it under control. Tell him up front that after 2 weeks, you want to sit down again and discuss how it's going for both of you so he doesn't feel attacked when you do (& you will!) make suggestions for improvement. Remember how hard it was for you to do what he is now doing. You both are going to be really working hard...try not to let it take its toll on your marriage. I totally agree with the crock pot idea...prep it together the nite before and all he has to do is turn it on. Do that twice a week. Plan on $5 Lil Caesar pizza nite once a week, maybe Friday nites? Have him plan one meal that's easy for him, like Sloppy Joes or Breakfast for dinner. That leave one weeknite...use that for leftover nite. Easy! Keep everything as simple as possible and lower your standards as far as housecleaning...that's the only way to stay sane with this arrangement! Good luck!

I think because you have had a 'frazzled' three months with the three kids, I would first have some compassion for your husband as he embarks on his new job.

I am a stay at home mom with three kids and it is hard. I have described it as falling over the cliff and I am never going to climb back up. This is coming from a type A personality. I like to 'overdo' things and to have life well run. Well, with three kids, things are a little messier, dinners a little simpler.

One thing that has helped me is sometimes during the weekend, my husband will barbeque several 'meals'. I then have that part of the dinner completed during the first half of the week. Sometimes, he helps me with the laundry (this actually makes me upset; because I feel like he is saying that I am not keeping up) but he says he actually likes doing laundry sometimes and it does gets me slightly ahead.

We also have more chores for our older kids to do but they are 11 and 7. But your six year old can dust (can make a game out of it) and can pick up toys.

I would not create a Daily To Do list. Instead talk to him about your fears. I am sure he is concerned too. Realize that he is going to have good weeks and 'bad' weeks. Anything can throw you off your schedule; like a sick baby or holidays.

Good luck!

You have to find the time to make a list of everything that has to be done, not a schedule or a list for him but a list of what both of you have to do. Write down about ten things every night for the next few nights. Be specific, don't write cooking but making breakfast, making lunches, making dinner, write grocery shopping, errands like post office pharmacy etc, laundry, cleaning bathrooms, cleaning kitchens etc etc. Don't forget taking children for well checkups and vaccines, cleaning fridge, cleaning microwave, yard work, taking them to acitivities... List EVERYthing even if you know who will do it. Then sit down with him and say lets figure out who will do what. He needs to see the entire list cuz he doesnt know what it entails it will take you a while and a lot of thinking to make this list, he honestly doesnt know what goes on that list so how can he try to do half? My hubby and i have slowly figured out what dislikes and things we're ok with things he will never get around to (cleaning fridge cleaning microwave and things he will do IF i dont do it. (cooking) Once you've split up this list Dont micromanage. If he is to do two loads of laundry then he gets to decide when he will do them etc..
With three small children and activities and two jobs -You have to get organized before you go back to work! Put all activities on a big calendar ( my sister color coded her calender-one color for each person in the family, even the baby could have a color for his appointments) Your six year old should have charts with her responsibilities one for AM (pack her back pack, brush her teeth etc) and one for PM (homework, brush teeth etc) and she can put a checkmark next to each thing as she does it, it will make her feel important and hopefully you wont have to keep reminding her. My DH is in charge of picking up little one from school he uses his cell phone, sets alarms for 20 minutes before he has to pick up child from school and it keeps him on time(not his strength!) ASK your husband what you can do to help him and ask again after two weeks.

I was told once to let Dad go and do it in his own way. We just cannot control everything. And he will resent it if you make a chart unless he asks what you want/expect him to do. Just like at a job if you do something different than someone else I think you want them to respect that. If however you find mice and people are saying your children smell, then worry. Have fun, experiment and work out what is best for your family. I am sure there will be lots of advice, about organization, but I would definitely just sit down and also talk it out with dad and see what he's thinking.
Good luck! Congrats and you will be fine.

D. T,

Relax, you are NOT superwoman and you will NOT be able to get it all done. When you think of how much a M. does in a given hour, day, month, it is a wonder we do not collapse..

As for your husband, making a list is the best thing, but instead of sitting down to create a fancy one right now, simply have a pen and paper handy and each time the baby, newborn or other kid does something WRITE IT DOWN...so if you changed a diaper at 10 am, drink milk/nurse 10:30am, etc..write that down and the time. Over a couple of hours, days, you will have your schedule and list based on what the baby actually does and hopefully your husband will sort of have something to go by. Then if you want, you can make it fancy later.

Overall though, I think your husband will get his own hang of things and even if he doesn't do it your way, he will have his way on a routine.

If having a clean house before you come home is your number one priority, remember you are home now and it's hard for you, so don't expect your husband to magically cook clean and so forth with 3 kids while he is home. You have to to close your eyes to some mess, compromise and do your part when you get home. That means if cooking is going to be your part to do, then that's what you do best and will have to do it for things to run smooth...of course it might be something else, but you get the idea. Best of luck...I know it must be tough having to leave to go back to work!

I stay home with my 3 kids, and trust me, the first year I had 3, we managed to get it all done... plus sell our house and move to a new home... I sometimes look back at that year and wonder how we did it! The first few months though, you need to just focus on the basics, food - laundry - cleaning bathrooms/kitchen.

It will get easier - right now my two youngest are playing independently (and I'm supposed to be paying bills...). My kids are 2, 4 and 5 and I have a pretty flexible (but pretty standard) schedule now that I have one in K and one in preschool.

We get up at 7:00.
Breakfast until 8:30.
Kindergarten child gets on bus at 9:00 - then I take my 4 year old to preschool (2 mornings a week).
Once I am down to one child, I run errands. Do grocery shopping. If I don't have errands, I spend time cleaning places in the house that are easy to do with one kid around (she plays in her room, I clean a bathroom, etc.).
Kindergartener comes home at 12:00. Preschooler gets picked up at 12:15. Lunch starts asap after we are home and usually done by 1:15. My 2 year old takes a nap (sometimes) or has quiet time for an hour.
My boys are expected to play outside (or on their own in the basement) for a while after lunch.
We have book time, library time, go to the YMCA, and baking time in the afternoon (depending on the day - we do different things). I start dinner prep at 4:30. Dinner is at 5:45 - bedtime starts at 6:30. Everyone is in bed by 7:30.
After bedtime I clean up the house, do laundry, prep for the next day. Make a list, etc.
By 9:00 I am on my butt with a glass of wine :)

I usually schedule a few hours to clean on the weekend so my husband can play with the kids.

I can get a lot done in an hour with just one kid (when the boys are at school). I can also get a lot done when they play by themselves (which happens more and more lately).

For sure a meal planner will help. I find that if I don't have to think about what is for dinner, it makes my afternoon go MUCH better.

Also - having less in your home makes it easier to clean. Less clothing is less laundry. Less clutter is less dusting. Take a space at a time, and declutter and donate what you don't need. We did this when we moved and it really made a huge difference for me.

Good luck!
J.

I think Sheila S's response is spot on. I went back to work 2.5 years ago and my husband stayed home. We had a 4 year old and a baby on the way.

Some tips from my experience.
Dads will do things their own way. It's ok, as long as the kids aren't smelly or hurt. I would never take the kids to the fancy car dealership to get the oil changed. Who knew they had snacks and TV? They love it.

Use a calendar and put appointments, kids classes, etc on it. If needed, scale back on the classes until you both get settled in. Make sure birthdays, anniversaries and birthday parties are on it.

Weekly meal planning. And keep it simple. We know what our meals will be for the next 7 days. At first, I was cooking it when I got home. But now my husband has dinner ready for me when I come home. We freeze lots of meals, including breakfasts of french toast and pancakes. We have breakfast for dinner at least once a month. Friday is pizza night. Either frozen or take out.

A load of laundry a day helps a ton. Put it in before you go to work. If hubby forgets, put it in the dryer when you get home. Fold it before you go to bed. All my work clothes are washable and not dry cleaning. I wash those myself on Saturdays so I can ensure they don't wrinkle in the dryer.

Tell your hubby thanks and let him know you appreciate him, and recognize that this may be difficult for him, and thank him for the good job he's doing.

I've had to rush home only a couple of times since I've been back at work because he's been overwhelmed. But he knows he can call me and I'm there for him.

Best of luck on this journey. Most of my tips are from www.FlyLady.net. She rocks!

Check out Flylady online. It's very doable, small steps to getting things under control. One of the things that helped us the most was having specific things happen on specific days--like laundry Thursdays, bills Friday, groceries Saturday. Also, the concept of doing things in 15 minute bursts. You'd be surprised how much you can get done. And it will help get him organized. He'll have a routine to follow. Better yet, get him to join the site (it's free) and develop the plan. Is he home now? As to balancing it all; you can't. Even stay-at-home moms don't think they get enough quality time with their kids; we working moms don't stand a chance. But you will have to make the kids the priority when you are home rather than dinner or dishes, so if you can get your husband on board, that will help A LOT.