New Baby, New Marriage, and Trouble Adjusting

Read "After the Baby: Making Sense of Marriage after Childbirth." It's excellent and addresses many of these issues.

OMG! MY life exactly!!! We're now in therapy for it twice a week because my husband feels so sex deprived that we fight about it daily!! I don't have advice, just wanted to tell you you're not alone!

K.,

You have received some outstanding counsel -- I read through all of the responses. The wonderful advice you have received about providing a healthy environment for your daughter (and any future children) being based on a healthy relationship with your husband is right on! Without a doubt, the advice that comes through LOUD and TRUE is to GET IN THE MOOD AND HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND, OFTEN!

There is no question, that men "voice" their love through the physical channel of sex. They NEED the erotic: touch, arousal, seductive sights. Even though you may not "feel" seductive and erotic, you ARE the object of his affection. No matter what your actual condition (tired, disheveled, etc.) he will view you with beauty and desire, which in turn will make you feel more beautiful and desirable (thus giving you more energy to get rested, bathed and seductive on your terms). Let go of excuses and reluctance to have sex. The more you engage physically, the more you will want to. Grab ANY moment to be intimate with your husband. Grab HIM!

Because men operate in a physical realm to a much greater extent than women do, I encourage you to read through all of the books that have been recommended. I want to add one other book to the list; it will be a great addition to ANY woman (of any age) that wants to better understand "how" to communicate with men. It is called, "Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes," written by a couple, Barbara and Allan Pease. Yes, it was recommended to me and my husband by a wonderful counselor that helped my husband through a bout with clinical depression. It is delightful to read -- very funny -- but more importantly, is filled with undeniably accurate descriptions of how the opposite sexes view and respond to the same situations. It will help you to know "man thinking" so that you will know HOW to respond to your husband in terms he can really understand.

The other, and most significant source of wisdom/direction that will help you is one that, even though I am a Christian, I did not know how to fully appreciate until the last ~5 years. I have spent quite a bit of time in Bible studies and reading scripture in the past several years, and I now realize that the Bible contains the BEST counsel for any and all situations that we will encounter in life -- including a LOT to say about sex:

1 Corinthians 7: 3-5 - "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
One of the things this passage says is that IF your husband is not being sexually fulfilled at home, he will become vulnerable to the temptation of finding physical affection elsewhere. Men NEED sex (as do women), but it is your responsibility to not place your husband in jeopardy of being tempted by someone else when it is you that he wants. Be his wife, completely.

I also recommend that you and your husband read together "The Song of Solomon." Some think this book is only an allegory for the relationship of Christ and His bride, the Church. I think it is very much to be read on two levels: as lovers -- a husband and wife -- and the aforementioned allegory. From a contemporary perspective, it can be quite humorous, with the analogies of the lovers often being ones that we can't quite imagine. But there is deep truth in this book about desire, giving yourself wholly to your partner. You might even want to role-play what you might say to one another IF you had lived back at the time it was written. The whole book "can" be quite titillating, when read correctly. What follows are the bride's view of her husband. It may be fun to see if you can think of your husband in glowing terms like these (Song of Solomon 5:10-16):
10 "My beloved is dazzling and ruddy,
Outstanding among ten thousand.
11 "His head is like gold, pure gold;
His locks are like clusters of dates
And black as a raven.
12 "His eyes are like doves
Beside streams of water,
Bathed in milk,
And reposed in their setting.
13 "His cheeks are like a bed of balsam,
Banks of sweet-scented herbs;
His lips are lilies
Dripping with liquid myrrh.
14 "His hands are rods of gold
Set with beryl;
His abdomen is carved ivory
Inlaid with sapphires.
15 "His legs are pillars of alabaster
Set on pedestals of pure gold;
His appearance is like Lebanon
Choice as the cedars.
16 "His mouth is full of sweetness
And he is wholly desirable.

Clearly, I don't know your or your husband's religious convictions, K.. But I can tell you that my husband and I could write volumes on rocky relationships. I have one failed marriage (was married to a non-believer.) My husband had three failed marriages (he was the non-believer) before he came to faith in Christ. Jesus Christ has been THE ANSWER to turn all our marital failures into a consummate success. Through God's grace, found each other and our marriage is based on a common spiritual perspective (i.e.., we have a "Christ-centered marriage") From the voice of experience this approach to marriage is so far beyond anything either of us ever experienced or imagined, it cannot be described. We can attest to the BEST sex, the BEST communication, the BEST intimacy, the BEST of everything! God is so GOOD! He wants to give his children good things. God is the originator of marriage vows. He want us "join us together as one" so that we fulfill one another; this means both parties giving themselves completely to one another in love, respect, intimacy, sex, communication and faithfulness. When you put your spouse's needs above your own, and he is doing the same for you, it will astound you at how smoothly compromises work out, how much energy you will have for your husband, even when you thought you were too tired, etc. Your concerns for and about your daughter will also become "balanced" in this model. Children are amazingly resilient. They are able to travel well and to be without you periodically (as you focus on your husband and he focuses on you) when they are trained in this way. Children should have all of your focus, sometimes; but not all of your focus, all times.

I AM sorry for the length of this email, but I simply had to share the source of success for us, in hope that some of the things I have said will benefit you! May God richly bless you, your husband and your daughter all your days!

In Christ,
K.

You've been given a lot of advice, but one I didn't see and feel is really relevant is to read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Shlessinger. I just read it and am amazed at the attidude adjustment in our home. Hang in there!

K.:

I had a similar situation. I was pregnant when my husband and I got married. We had other issues as well other than the instant family and the almost nill interest in the type of intimacy that my husband wanted. I had a nosy and rude mother in law staying with us, I had an x-wife that didn't get the fact that she needed to move on. I had quit school and work to be a stay at home mom, and my husband just seemed to be clueless of all our surrounding factors to how I was feeling. I had also gained 75 pounds during my pregnancy due to all the doctors telling me I needed to eat all the time. My body was out of shape, etc. We took our issues to a group therapy when our son was about six months old. I will try to give you the insight we got without the trips to the therapist.

1) Men do not understand the toll creating and taking care of newborn and toddler children takes on our bodies. They pretty much get over things quickly.

2) Men do not read minds or take hints very well. They need to be told directly and bluntly what it is that we need and want. (Of course, using kind words and "I feel....." statements will serve you better than "You need to....")

3) Talk to your hubbie about the fact that when the dynamics of the family changes, the needs of a woman change. I believe all our needs change with age, and good marriages will possibly struggle but will get through the hard times with flying colors. Communication is very important.

4) On that note, the therapist told us that our relationship was the most important investment of our lives. He posed a question to the guys that if he asked them to take a half hour a day and wipe down their cars for a month and he would give them each a million dollars, would they do it? ALL the men perked up and said "YEAH, SURE WE WOULD!" He said, "if you can make time for that, make time to talk to your wives about real issues, hopes, dreams, things that are important."

5) If you finally do sit down and talk, remember to be respectful of the others thoughts and their "talk time" even if you don't like what they are saying" You each get a time to talk. If you feel frustrated, set a time to revisit the conversation when you both are feeling better, and don't just brush it under the carpet.

6) If you feel overwhelmed, you need to speak up. I know he works all day, but raising a child is a full time job too. If at the end of the day, you need help, ask him, and he should be willing to help you out. This will make you less resentful of his free time, things will get done twice as fast, and you will be more willing and not so dog tired for the wonderful benefits of marriage. This way you will all be happy. The low libedo is partially caused by your body getting back to normal, hormones, and shere exhaustion and frustration of the things you can't figure out with the children.

THIS IS NORMAL!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

I have now been with my husband 13 years, married for 11. We have three beautiful children (all boys). Now that they will be 11, 9, and 7 this summer, we can now go on the longer vacations which we are planning one of our first this year. Those this were put on hold because of the same reasons you voiced. You want to be able to enjoy the vacation and the children. Maybe when your daughter is another year or so, you can toy with the idea of a weekend vacation, but I do understand where you are coming from. I am with you 100%.

Our life is great right now. Every marriage has times of struggle where you don't see eye to eye. Talking them out and having understanding for one another and their feelings helps get you through. We women have to be the stronger ones and the ones that are more patient. Men will not understand if we don't tell them directly. We have to understand that changes to the family are hard on them too, and reassure them that we still desire them and love them......just not when we feel like a "dead mommy" and not an exotic woman. Babies crying and sucking our energy leave us more times than not feeling like a "dead mommy". That is why the guys have to help us a bit in the evening....so we have time to transform ourselves and get into the groove.

Hope I have helped. I think you will be fine. Marriage is work, and I think you have a good foundation to work on. Lots of luck to you.

I have read some, not all, of the reponses you received, but there is one very important thing about my husband that I wish to share with you. We have lost two babies before birth and one was at six months gestation. Needless to say we have had some extremely rough times in our marriage and it has taught me a very important lession, my husband shows his love for me through having sex. Whenever he is scared, upset or sad he needs to feel close to me by making love. This lets him know that I love him very much. All the talking in the world will not even compare to making love with him. I learned that if I don't feel in the mood, or we are just too busy and tired, after a while he feels rejected and unloved. We have learned that if I'm not in the mood, how to get me in the mood. My husband is very quick to give me a back rub, wash dishes(which he HATES), or whatever it is that I would like help with to be able to relax more. He is able to get me fully relaxed and in the mood without getting me upset and feeling pressure to make love to him. It works out great. He is then much more secure with his feelings and tends to be a much bigger help to me around the house. It is a give, give situation that works best for our marriage. When my husband feels connected and loved he is much more willing to listen to my feelings and willing to understand the stresses in my life and more willing to help with them. I have found that as women we need to communication and help to feel the mood, and men need the love and touch to get into the mood to communicate. My husband is a very tough and manly man in every way except when it comes to me and our relationship. Some times it is hard to remember the the men in our lives have feelings that get hurt as much as ours, but they do. The problem is that they are far less likely to tell us how they feel if they feel less important or loved by us. My advice would be to try to understand that your husband may be feeling replaced by your child. He may need to hear about what you would love to be able to do, but can't at the moment. Tell him that he has wonderful idea's and you can't wait to be able to do them, but right now you can't with the baby even though you want to. I would explain that you will do those things again, but right now it is time for both of you to spend time getting getting used to being parents, together. I swear to you as the child gets older your husband will get much more interested in things to do with the baby. They tend to want to spend time with the children when they are doing more exciting things and don't need mom quite as much. I would suggest a date night once a week and maybe once a month you find a baby sitter over night and go to a motel to just relax and enjoy alone time together. Get a fancy room with a jet tub and relax for a while and see what happens.

The best thing for all children is to have happy, healthy parents who love eachother.

I don't know anyone who doesn't experience this at least a little. My husband has a hard time every time we have a kid (we just had #5). Being a mom is exhausting physically, and more importantly-emotionally. It is hard to have anything left for hubby when you have spent the day with a child--but you must if you want to have a happy marriage. Remember that your kids grow up and move away, and if you don't have a good relationship with your husband you won't have anyone when your kids are gone. I've heard 'the best thing you can do for your child is to love their dad' it's true!! I have sex often with my husband (every other day is normal for us) even if I don't feel like it at first because I know how important it is for him to feel needed and loved in our relationship. (Believe me, my sex drive is low also, I actually 'feel like it' like once a month) It makes me happy to make him happy-even though sometimes it takes everything I've got.
The book that turned our marriage around after we had kids: "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. The title is misleading-give it a chance. It completely changed my perspective-and because I changed, so did he. Hang in there!!

Wow, I'm glad I read this! It sounds almost exactly like what I've been going through, and the responses are great! My husband and I got married, found out we were having a baby less than a month later, and less than a year after the first one was born, and before we had really adjusted to having one child, found out we were having another one... At the moment I have two kids under two. Life does get easier in some ways, but in most others you just have to learn how to deal with it.

Something I've found that helps is to have the "bare minimum" of what you want to get done each day- make the beds, do the dishes, one load of laundry, and pick up the living room before you go to bed is what I try to do. Some days, even that doesn't get done, but it gives me something to work toward, and if I get it all done, it's such a huge feeling of accomplishment! It's a point where you can say, "I'm done now", and start concentrating on other things.

For us, sex after the first baby was a struggle. I was (and am) always too tired, or he wanted to do things right there in front of the baby, because "he's asleep/too young to understand". Something that might help is, when he asks you, tell him to give you ten or fifteen minutes, then go brush your hair, shower, put on some makeup just for him, whatever it takes to make you feel beautiful. Then go back with the attitude that you're doing it for him, rather than "let's get this over with".

As for the trips... my husband asked me the other day if I would drive four hours (one way) to pick up his friend for a weekend. Some things never change! Live and love. If it won't matter in a hundred years, don't let it matter now. That's probably the best advice I have to offer.

i just have to agree with the person that advised reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"...
Well, I was 17 and pregnant so of course we had our son well before our first anniversary! so you could imagine all the ups and MANY downs that we had. I have to say, that we've been happily married for 7 years and have a total of 3 kids!
good luck!

I like to recommend that all new fathers read this book.
Gift of Fatherhood: How Men's Live are Transformed by Their Children by Aaron Hass
Marriage and fatherhood mean drastic changes, but it is important to see them as the blessings they are. Also, marriages, like any other worthwhile endeavor, take work - they don't just happen. The most important gift you can give to your kids is a healthy, happy marriage - take some time for the two of you and keep the spark alive!!

I got married when I was 19, now 30, we were pregnant when we married and had 2 more 1.5 years apart. All 3 are boys. I made the huge mistake of forgetting I was a wife first and foremost and honestly the babies came after that. It sounds harsh but be honest- if there is no marriage you have NOTHING to offer your child. I guess maybe a broken home, fighting parents, working mom and baby in daycare.... I almost lost my husband until I woke up and realized if I had energy to go anywhere or do anything during the day I had better reserve some of it for the evening when my husband got home from HIS hard day. And if you cannot have actual intercourse b/c of pain I am sure you are inventive enough to fulfill your husbands needs in some other way. Usually women have no sex drive because they feel out of shape, tired from needless running around or they forget how precious their man is. My advice is to do the right thing even if you "don't feel like it" b/c when you hand that advice down to your children the only way they will follow it is if they know you live it also. Practice makes perfect and creates great habits. Having sex with your husband even if you are not in the mood may end up benefiting you in ways you never imagined. If you don't- the divide between yourself and your husband will continue to grow over the years and he will leave. If he wants to go on a certain vacation just go and do it. The answer to WHY???? is b/c he is a person too and it matters what he wants not just what you want. It really does not matter if the baby is fussy, most kids sleep in the car anyways so go make some fun memories on a sailboat with the little one. Make your husband happy instead of always having to be right, the payoff is better. Honestly, thank the Lord he wants to spend his free time with you and a cranky kid and not go out golfing or something!!Something else I see lacking in new parents is a schedule. Kids need regular naps and consistent bedtimes and if you cannot enforce that now what makes one think they will be able to enforce the tougher things further on down the road? If she is in bed early you can take a 30 minute break and then be a wife wholeheartedly. I only say this b/c I have lived it, almost lost it all but came to my sense just in time. Life is much better serving than whining. Best wishes.

Hi, K.. I just read your messages. Yes many of us go through difficulties. There is one thing for you to check into a book for and your husband! Love & Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs talks about husbands and wives go through crazy cycle and how to get out of it and stay out of it and when you see it coming, stop it imediately. You and your husband can read it together or separately (may need to get 2 books if it helps) and there is a workbook that you two do together and apart and you both discuss your thoughts and feelings. If you feel he doesn't love you, your attitude changes and you react in a way that he feels he's not being respected then he reacts and makes you feel he doesn't love and it goes around and round. It's amazing then there are other cycles to build and it keeps going. I'll be praying for you and your family. You made me aware that breastfeeding affects sex drives and it explains it for us! I have three boys and a wonderful husband married for about 4 1/2 years.

I just wanted to say- this is SO normal. You can even find info and suggestions on-line because it is so common!! I went through it as well... and I PROMISE it gets better!!!!! There were SO many times during our first year and a half with baby that I just wanted to call it quits... but I am SO glad I didn't because it does smooth out and our relationship is amazing now!!Hang in there, good luck, and some of the suggestions others have offered sound really promising... that is one of the things that will help it smooth out is really trying!!

Hello K., You say in your post that you belive if it's not all smoothe going, your husband just can't handle it. I have to tell you that I raised 3 wonderful children. But now that they are all grown I recognize a HUGH mistake on my part that has had a very negitive affect of my children. I didn't allow my husband to stand up as a man, and be a co-parent. I did all of the work so that my husbands life could sail smooth. In doing this, he had no idea how much work went into raising a child, so he didn't respect the WORK that I did. Nor was he as bonded to the children as I was, so as they got older spending time with them was at his conveniece only. After we divorced they were lucky to even see him once a year. The date night and working on your marriage is very important, but in between please allow yourself to put the childen completely in his charge with out rescueing him from his own off-spring. If he doesn't have to stand up and be a man in his role as a father, sadly he will also lose respect for you as the mother of his children. I wish I had a magic wand that I could errase my mistakes with, for the sake of the children. Because I was blind to this I didn't even see it as a problem, I was more concerned with making my husbands life smooth sailing. If the pain that my children and I have had to suffer can help your family and others, it will at least have had a purpose. Good luck. S. PS my e-mail is ____@____.com free to contact me.

Your husband's comment, "I just want my wife back" says it all. He's obviously having trouble adjusting to the fact that you have a new baby and that things are not like they used to be. But, simply put, that's the way it goes. Instead of expecting things to just "get back to normal," he needs to understand that the priority now is the baby and her needs, and at least for the time being, you can't just pick up and go like you used to. Maybe he could talk to other fathers in your circle of friends to get perspective on this situation. Having a baby affects both the mother and the father in huge ways, but his expectations of having the same life now that you did before your daughter arrived is unrealistic and he needs support in understanding this very important point.

With regard to your relationship, you both need to make time for each other and make an effort to spend time having fun together without the baby whenever possible. I think your lack of interest sexually in your husband probably has a lot to do with the fact that his current behavior is affecting your feelings for him. You need his love, support and understanding now more than ever. Men also need support through this time just like women do, but he needs to come to the table and accept that life is different now. One possible solution is counseling with someone you trust - a minister, therapist - to support both of you during this time. You need to be able to speak openly about your feelings and so does he, but having a professional present may help smooth the way for you. I wish you the best of luck as you work through this with your husband.

Hi K., give yourself some credit for handling two very big adjustments at once!!! I had a hard time my first year of marriage and I had a hard time becoming a Mom too. You will most likely get your sex drive back in time... and in the meantime... may I advise that one night a week you make an effort to make him feel special. If that means cook his favorite meal, or get a sitter and go out, or you initiate sex, whatever. Just promise yourself one night a week is his and stick to it (if he is like my husband he will be totally unappreciative of this effort for a while) and then fake your enthusiasim. Really. I hated that but there is something to be send for the idea that if you pretend long enough you start to believe it. Yes it is like having two kids, I think most women feel like their husband is an extra kid, but if he is a good guy then go ahead and spoil him a little. He isn't acting much different from my husband or any of my girlfriends husbands...

K.,
I've had 3 boys in 3 and 1/2 years. I honestly can't relate with everything on the same level that you're describing, but I do remember all of those emotions/thoughts occuring at some point. What I have learned, please just take this for what it's worth, is that sometimes it IS worth traveling the 9 hours. The thing with post-pregnancy for women is that it is no longer just a mom-baby thing (us carrying them in us for 9 months); we now HAVE to include Dad. For them, including means living life with the baby. So, if going on those outings will make him feel better or more himself, then I honestly would pack up, pray, smile, and go. And at the same time, you may learn that it's not such a hassle and/or he will learn that it's going to be harder than he thought.
Sex drive - ahhh - the constant in a man and the constant struggle in a woman (post-preg. or not!). I can't say I had trouble with this after pregnancy; I honestly couldn't wait to be with him after the 6 week wait. (Sorry if that's too blunt for you...I'm really not trying to embarrasse.) BUT there have been plenty of times when I haven't felt in the mood. Solution? Get in the mood. If there is one thing I have come to realize about myself is that if I want something bad enough I'll do whatever to get it. And quite frankly, I want a happy home, which needs a happy husband, which usually requires some... I know sounds weird to us women who find complete satisfaction from just "being held" but they really do need more.
Ok, I'm not trying to preach, I've just been working through these things a lot. I haven't arrived at perfection, but I have arrived at "knowing what to do"...I just have to choose to do it.
I hope this helps.

Hello K., I you find reading helpful, I recommend "Real Love," by Greg Baer. You may find support for yourself within your marriage. Journey on!

K.,
Having a baby changes many things in your relationship with your husband. I had my first very soon after getting married and it was a strain at first. Low sex-drive, coupled with not getting enough sleep, and trying to adjust is hard on both partners in the relatinship. Men I think have a hard time understanding how long it does take your body and your menatal sanity to return to your pre-pregnancy self.

Have no fear it DOES come back. Your sex drive will come, you will be able to communicate better ( usually those come together I have noticed) and you will get back to the couple you were- slightly changed.

Make time for just the two of you and do some of the things you enjoyed pre-baby. You have to put your marriage first or it will deteriorate and you will both end up resenting one another.

Talk to your husband about your concerns and listen to his. He too is adjusting to being a Dad and it is overwhelming for them.

Good Luck!
S.

I totally know where you are coming from. My husband whined for 2 years that he wasn't my only focus anymore. It has smoothed out, but we still struggle sometimes. The only thing that gets us back on track is to have some alone time and talk about our feelings. So going to a movie wouldn't work for us. :) You so are not alone in this struggle. He just misses you. How can you be annoyed if you look at it that way?

well, my husband sounds like yours! however, he is pretty understanding, and hasnt even THOUGHT of taking any long trips. he gets that its terribly hard.

however, remember this "every day tell yourself what my baby needs is a happy mother"

a lot of times moms can get caught up in taking care of baby, and thats a GOOD thing, but you also have to take care of yourself and your marriage. your kids need to have the security of a happy home in order to grow and thrive. get someone to babysit baby and take a walk or drive with your husband (men like to talk while doing something else - ive found driving is the best time to talk to my husband) and just talk to him and tell him that it may seem like its all about baby now, but you understand that hes feeling neglected, and try to plan something more simple to acheive that. my husband and i waited 16 months before i rented a bed and breakfast for one night out. my husband watched a movie (free of babys head in the way of the tv) and i sat in the bathtub listening to norah jones and reading redbook! then we laid in bed and laughed and giggled until 10pm! sounds stupid but it was really rejuvinating.

i believe that in at least the first year baby is going to sometimes become more important than anything because babys have needs and we shouldnt ignore that. but eventually you will sense your baby is getting better and being independent, especially if youve responded to her all along!

another thing: sex... i am still breastfeeding at 17 months and i dont know that my sex drive ever dropped really.... it was really frustrating when we first started again after having the baby... my husband of course was just so anxious and i was so afraid of how it would hurt, but if you just tell yourself how happy it is going to feel to be connected to your husband again, and just do it! even though you dont feel like it, you are tired, havent showered, you have a husband who still wants to be with you!! and he doesnt care about all that other stuff thats floating through your mind... just lay back and let him help you relax.
use lots of lube, take lots of time (you might need a sitter for this too LOL) and just relax. even if you dont feel like it, you wont regret it, and it will help you reconnect. after all, the more sex you get the more sex you want, and it might just click you back into the groove.

but be patient and ask your husband to be patient, it takes time sometimes, and having a kid isnt easy AT ALL!!! but it is SO rewarding!

You must read either the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, or the Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. It's not fair for your dearly beloved to lose you as a wife. He needs sex with you to feel connected and feel like your man. I'm sure if he was withholding affection and attention from you it would be unacceptable. He needs to come first, before your children, if you want a secure, happy home for them. Men who are kept happy at home don't stray. You don't need a sex drive to have sex with him. Just do it anyway; have the right attitude and enjoy it. He deserves it and needs it.

Hi K.!
I just want you to know that you are definetely NOT alone. I think pretty much everyone who has babies goes through this. It will get better but you and your husband will have to make it get better. I agree with what one of the other girls said about trying to have sex. You will probably be glad you did. I know some people are not into this, but maybe you could send your husband to an adult "toy" store. I know....you are probably thinking I am crazy. I was so modest about that kind of stuff, but after being married for 7 1/2 yrs and having 4 children in the house, we needed some excitement. It was my husbands idea and he went without me knowing and got help from the people working there. It is just an idea and trust me, your husband will get so excited about being able to do that and the anticipation of getting to use the stuff will excite him even more. I am reading a book called Light His Fire and it has changed my marriage tremendously! I have not felt more in love with my husband in a long time. I am not sure if you have family around but you should maybe try and go on an overnight trip with just you and your husband. I promise you it will make a huge difference. And I highly recommend getting that book. If you go to amazon.com and search for the title it will bring it up. That is where I bought mine. In fact, I am almost done with it and if you really wanted to read it I would send it to you. I know you said you were breatfeeding and so it is probably hard to leave overnight. My sister breastfed both of her kids until they were 1 yr. With her 2nd one she finally decided to give him some formula so she could go out of town overnight without him. It is a good alternative now that your little one is older. Just something to consider. I am not saying that I don't think your husband could be more understanding, because I have no idea what it is like at your home with him. I am just trying to help you keep him and yourself happy. That is one of the best things you can do for your child. Showing her that her parents are happy and in love with each other is going to teach her more than anything how to be a good wife and mother herself. I hope this helps and if you decide you want the book just send me a message. Good Luck!

Hi K.,
It's all normal, but it does not make it any less difficult to go through this time! For example, I feel I have a great marriage, but also lots of rocky times as we try to navigate family life and married life, and integrate the two smoothly. I will say it gets easier as the baby gets older, but until then, what do you do? And what about baby #2?

I just bought a book today called "Babyproofing Your Marriage" by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill, and Julia Stone, which I am dying to read because it gives REAL solutions to these sorts of problems. I see they have a website too: www.babyproofingyourmarriage.com - so you might have a look. I'm going to check it out now.

All the best to you!
~ K.

You just described my first year with a baby perfectly. I think that was the hardest year of my 10 years of marriage. My son is now 2 1/2 and things started getting better after about a 18 months. (however I am now pregnant again, so I'm sure I'm in for another round!) I wish I had advise for you, but men will never understand the responsibility, irritability, and sleep deprivation a mother feels, and women will never understand why men don't get it. I had horrible sex until I stopped breast feeding at 14 months. My doctor offered me estrogen suppositories, and I should have taken her up on it. Not only is your sex drive a zero, but it is so painful because you are so dry. There is no amount of lube that seems to take care of the problem.

Anyway, hang in there, try to do nice things for your hubby, and remind him you are in the baby trench and it won't last forever. Things should be turning around for you soon.

Good Luck!

Hi K.,
I just glanced through your many responses. Looks like lots of women feel the same way. I did!

I have just one thing to add to the great things that have been said, get your hormones checked out. Having a baby and nursing can really mess things up hormonally. I recommend bio identical hormones. Check out All for Women Health Care (reviewed on this site) It is in Utah. There are sure to be places like it in Colorado. I know that having your hormones in balance can do a lot for helping you cope with life and enjoying intimacy with your husband more.

good luck!

K.,
It is very difficult under normal conditions to make a marriage work. make sure you and your husband have at least one night out a week to rekindle your relationship. Your marriage has to come first so your family can survive the evils of divorse. Its ok to get a babysitter for a few hours a week and go do fun things with him. You may not be in the mood for sex right now, but do it anyway. He needs to know you still love him.

it sounds like your husband is having trouble letting go of his old life. it can be harder for guys i think. every thing changes when you have kids and everyone has to adjust and find a new normal i think. but both parties have to be willing to do the work. as your baby gets older, you will be able to do more things your husband seems to want but remind him that for a little while the actvities will have to be a little simpler. as for the sex part it really takes effort i think once kids are involved. it is hard for moms when we are tired and have spent the day caring for our kids. when we get a break we just want to take a bath a read a good book. me and my hubby have tried to just go for it when the oppurtunity arises. i have had to learn to stop worrying so much(what if the kids wake up? i need to start the laundry!) and just be a little care free for a moment.after all it really doesn't take that much time and my husband really isn't expecting me to be or look perfect, he just wants some "us" time. when i tried to put more effort into the part that was hard for me(sex) my husband felt more important and was able to help and do the stuff that was hard for him(going on a day trip not a weekend treck, giving up trips with the guys) it really gets better when your kids get a little bigger its just when they are super little they need a lot more from us hang in there and help your hubby along too it will be worth it i'm sure!!

If sex isn't painful anymore and you're just not interested, then I think you'll be okay in that department as your baby gets older and you stop breast-feeding. If you're still having pain I'd talk to an ob-gyn.

I agree that 9 hours to sail in the Caribbean sounds nuts. (I wouldn't feel at all comfortable with my 1-year-old on a sailboat, for one thing!) Is it possible you could come up with something a little exotic that would be fun with a 1-year-old, though? A week at a beach resort with a family-friendly outdoor restaurant, for instance, might actually be relaxing for you, a fun experience for your daughter, and help your husband feel like he's not trapped in never-ending domesticity...

We've traveled a fair amount with my daughter, who's 13 months old now. I never look forward to the plane flights, but if you bring some small toys and books, her favorite foods, and a LOT of bottles you can get through it. (My breastmilk usually gave out with the amount of nursing she would want on those trips.) My daughter would usually make friends with a few folks on the plane or in the airports, too.

The first time or two I felt like we were being selfish in dragging her all over just so we could have a holiday, but I think my daughter really enjoyed some of the experiences she had meeting family, new kids and pets, playing at the beach, and getting to eat new foods.

You'll get through this! Good luck.

I have been through the same thing - I would suggest couseling. It really helped my husband understand what was going on - when we tried to talk about things he just didn't get it when I was telling him what the problems were but he really did listen when someone else was telling him how to make things better in our marriage. I found it very helpful to have a nuetral person help us see what the problems were and how to work them out. Good luck - I promise it gets better when the child is older - just wish husbands could understand that this is all temporary like we do.

Run, don't walk, to a marriage counselor, preferably male. You need someone who your husband can feel heard by, but who has the skills to help both of you adjust to parenthood.

All great advice. Another thought is to let your husband take your child for a weekend or overnight trip without you and without any other adult (like a grandmother). He gets to plan what to take and how to entertain and oversee your child and things to consider when you have a little one. Maybe that will help him realize the magnitude of traveling with a child and also give them a little bonding time.

The absolute best gift you can ever give your baby is a strong, healthy marriage. Not that its easy... you will get your sex drive back. Sounds like you guys need a sit down to get all your thoughts and feelings out and talk about some compromises on sex, activities, everything. One thing that may work... as unsexy as it sounds, schedule sex. You don't even have to tell your hubby its on the schedule (what a great suprise for him) just psych yourself up for it all day. Maybe you could also sit down and set a date to take one of the bigger trips that your husband would like to take, including outlining what he will need to do to be helpful with your daughter while on those trips. Just a few thoughts... I hope it works out for you!

I had two kids in my first two years of marriage. You'll eventually get your sex drive back. Marriage is hard with babies. You need to do your best to get the baby in a routine and try to include your husband in it. After the baby goes to bed make sure to spend a little quality time with him. Remember your kids grow up and leave home but you want to keep your husband so as much as the little ones need make sure you're not neglecting him to badly. Let you know you appreciate what he does. This rough spot will pass.

Oh K., your story sounds familiar to me. I went through similar things with my husband right after my son was born. I understand because I felt that way about trips, sex, etc. and it created some distance between me and him. There was even a time when I thought that I had made a big mistake marrying him and was so sad thinking what my son would go through with parents who were so estranged. Things did change though. As our son grew, my husband got more interested in doing family friendly things. I had to make some changes too, like understanding his need to have his "old wife" back occassionally and being just his for an evening. My son stopped breast feeding at 14 mos on his own and that helped our sex life. We have been married for 15 years now. I wish I could tell you that that was the last time we went through a "spell" like that, but alas, no. There have been many times, but each one has made us stronger as a couple and as parents. Being married is a commitment that takes work. I hope this eases your mind a bit. Hang in there.

I haven't read any of the other responses, so forgive me if I'm repeating. Here's my opinion: "They" say the first year of marriage is the hardest. When you throw a baby in the mix so quickly, it's just going to compoud the common difficulties in a marriage during the first year. Since you and your husband had little time to get used to the new arrangements before having your daughter, you're probably still trying to get used to everything. My advice: Make a list of the things that you are having trouble with, and ask your husband to do the same. If you haven't already, have a sit down talk with your husband (maybe even get a babysitter so it can be uninterrupted) and talk to him about each point you find troublesome in your relationship. Before starting in on the lists, agree with each other to keep it calm and to really listen and respond to each other. It's a lot cheaper than therapy if your personalities can handle it. If he's really missing going on trips, maybe plan one where you leave your daughter with family and just the two of you go. Or you can even bring someone along that is designated the childcare provider so you and your husband can enjoy the trip without having to be completely responsible for and attentive to your baby. That way, you can still be close to her, but not stressed out. As far as the sex thing, I've had the same problem with loss of interest after having kids. Sometimes I have to make a conscious decision to get myself in the mood. And I'm usually glad that I did, and my husband still gets what he wants withough knowing that I wasn't really in the mood. I'm not saying that you have to do it all the time, but maybe compromisen a little, and say okay sometimes even if you don't feel like it. I don't think your lack of interest indicates a bigger issue. I think it's perfectly normal. Good luck!

Go on a trip without Cloe! My husband and I left our daughter for nine days and went to Germany/Austria. It was amazing. I missed her like crazy, but it was the best thing we ever did. It's SO hard to travel with kids and I, too, find myself not wanting to go places when traveling used to be the thing I loved most. It's just so much work! Your marriage needs to come first so find things you can do to put it first. Not sure about the sex drive. Mine has been way lower since I've had two babies. Between nursing, feeling unattractive, birth control pills, etc. who knows. I just had a baby so when I'm healed I'm going to make it my personal mission to figure it out and get it back! Your husband is not blame-free, though. He does need to realize that you are now a mother and that you aren't going to be the same. Sit him down and talk about it. Good luck!

I'm a mother of four and grand mother of 1. Children do take all your time. Between cleaning cooking, running behind children is tireing. I have one opinion. Find a day you and your spouse can get away, if not make an day, Seen the baby to grandma or the sitters for an couple hours. You go get your hair done, nails done, and even your feet done. Then go buy the sexiest dress you can find, Put together and romatic dinner, you don't even have to cook it go threw www.foodnetwork.com and find something quick to fix, but also romatic to. And while he is at work, you can started putting an list together about the good things and bad things you like about your spouse, and if the good out raise the bad. THen you let your night be all about you and him. Don't wosried about the baby she will be find.The whole purpose of this is time for you and him to air out problems. you getting yourself looking good again, like you did when you were out to get him ,and know you can handle yourself,baby, and spouse. Do it every week and you don't have to spend a lot to be together with one another.And if he ever said his to tired or your are to. Go walking, driving, go to the ice cream parlor summer is almost here And believe me it does smooth out,But never stop communcating with each other. What you did to get him don't stop ,because theirs and new addition, that's just more to love

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. That must be very painful to hear your husband say that...especially since, you won't be coming back...not the wife you USED to be anyway. I don't know about you, but having a baby drastically changes everything about your life, self, body, you name it. You are a new and different you. That doesn't mean that he can't get his needs met, but there needs to be some adaption to your new changes. Don't feel guilty for being a different person, but try to find little ways to make him feel special and included in your life...including your physical life. He needs to know that you will still nurture him as well as your new child. I think you are right about the sex drive having to do with emotions. I'm no expert, but I highly recommend Dr.Laura's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It really opened my eyes to the way males feel and think. Good luck and God bless you in your efforts to take care of your family!

I was in the same situation. You see when you have a baby, this usually means that your husband has to grow up. I'm not saying that he's immature, but men like to be the center of your universe. Having a baby changes your entire life in more ways than one. The best advice I can give you is to talk to your husband. Explain to him that even though you're now a mama, your still his wife. Then make an effort to set aside quality time for each other. It can be something as simple as watching a movie together on the couch. Ask him what he wants to do and then if it is realistic for you guys, try and do it together. I was in your same situation and it took time and effort on both of our parts, but twelve years later here we are. We have a new one on the way and we're trying to spend as much time together as possible before the inevitable "down time". As for intimacy, I know that at the end of the day with a baby the last thing you want is to be poked and prodded but it is important to talk to your husband about this. Let him now how you're feeling and I'm sure he'll understand. Also try and get him to help you more with baby. Chances are at the end of the day, you won't be so tired and he'll have a better understanding of what you do and go through. Good Luck!

K.,
my husband and I are just married and now pregnant...and our love lifehas already gone down too because I ust do not get into the mood...but, I am gettting so huge and it is uncomfortable. I know exactly how you feel and I fear that he does not understand sometimes what I am going through...I hope we do not get worse when the baby is born! I hope your husband will begin to see what you are going through...have you talked to him about it?
good luck..
kim

I can definitely relate to the low sex drive and some of the other feelings you mentioned-- and things do get better with time. What really helped me was a book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. My husband read the whole thing and often said "That is exactly how I feel, but I never knew how to say it!" Before reading it I felt totally justified in my feelings that my husband should be the one to make the changes, but then, after reading just a couple of sections I had a sort of epiphany: "I chose to be a mother and therefore feel a tremendous responsibility to care for my kids. However, I first chose to be a wife and I have an equally great responsibility toward my husband." Just being open to and saying 'Yes' to my husbands requests with this change of attitude has made a world of difference. It may help with communication issues if you read the book together too.

SAHM of 3 1/2 year old girl and 19 mo old boy with one on the way, married 6 1/2 years.

Hi K.,

I had to read this, because I'm having a similar experience. I'd really love my partner to be more sympathetic, empathetic and supportive, but sometimes I feel the "Y" chromosome inhibits that! Ha ha.

Since I'm not willing to trade in my partner and I can't change him, I do what I can... Even though I'm exhausted most of the time, I've found that if I use a really good lubricant and have good foreplay, that I end up really enjoying the physical intimacy that we have. It helps me to feel like a woman (not just a mommy) and my partner has "his wife back"!

As for the trips, I've promised my partner that we will be able to do that stuff when I'm not breastfeeding and our son can stay with a grandma or we can take him with us (and a nanny or grandma to help if possible).

All in all, I keep reminding him that it's temporary. When our son is a teenager, we'll be lucky if he wants to have dinner with us let alone go on a trip! Ha ha.

So, enjoy these fleeting precious moments when you are the center of your baby's universe and know that while life will never be the same, it can still be wonderful as a couple and a family! All it takes is commitment and patience. This too shall pass...

Take care,
S.

It sounds to me that you and your husband have had many years of alone time together and now there is a new twist. Children are such blessings and it was obviously a decision you both made. We as moms tend to grow exponentially through this process where as the guys tend to take it or leave it (change that is!) I was in a situation similar and when he kept wondering when he'd get his fair share of time with me, I told him that I can only do so much and I need a partner to help raise the child not another kid! I asked him to share in the parenting needs, bathing, diapering etc. Then we had more time together. Just my opinion.

Dear K.- As everyone before me said: very typical. I had VERY little sex drive after having three boys in 4 years- after all, i was either pregnant or nursing the majority of the time for about 5 years.

Like you, my husband and I dated for years (3) before getting married- got pregnant after 1 super easy year together. We had always been best friends, gotten along super well, and then all of the sudden I was at his throat constantly.

I had to grow up quickly and accept all this responsibility- which I did reluctantly and crankily, always being angry at him for not doing as much as me, angry every time he sat down while I vacuumed, made formula, got up with baby, etc.

As I got angrier and we had sex less, he just pulled away and got more distant, which made me even angrier.

Today, things are MUCH different, and lots of things helped. Number one was developing a relationship with God and reading my Bible and really trying to put it into practice- trying to deny self and meet my husband's needs, even when I didn't feel like it.

It's weird but the more I focused on MYSELF and what I could do, day to day, to do something nice for him, to connect with him, to respect him, and of course, to have more sex with him (even when I didn't feel like it) the more he responded with being more helpful, more connected, and I really feel like we have our marriage back.

Things are different now- we're really grownups, with three kids (6, 4 and almost 2). I stay home, he works hard to support us and all the pressure of supporting this family and paying the mortgage is on him- so are we the same carefree 22 year-olds we were during our first year of marriage? No. And I think your husband does have to realize that he won't have the same "you" back- but he'll get a better, more mature "you!"

Our marriage is way better now than it even was when we were younger because we work harder at it and at pleasing each other than we did when we were young and selfish.

That's my story. But I just wanted to add one thing to what everyone is saying: Don't underestimate the importance of sex to your husband. Counseling, vacations, communication: all that's great, but I honestly think the single greatest thing I did to help my marriage was (and I think someone else said this too) to GET IN THE MOOD, whether I felt like it or not.

Now that I am more sensitive to my husband and what he needs, I see how cranky he is after just two or three days without sex, and I remember when our first two were little how there were sometimes WEEKS upon WEEKS where I turned him down constantly because I didn't feel like it.

And I think- how much of the distance between us in those days could have been bridged if I had been willing to put him before myself? Could I have had a happy, helpful husband even then if I had just been willing to try?

Oh gosh. What you just described was my life nine years ago. The only thing you are missing is the ex and his two older children.
I'll tell you just what I was told by a very smart woman (my older sister).
In order to feel sexy and get in the mood, you have to be sexy. Send the baby to grandmas for the afternoon and night (babysitter or trusted friend will work too). Take a nice hot bubble bath, shave your legs, and pamper yourself. Set up a nice candlelight dinner for two (nothing fancy to cook- I called out for Chinese). From the time he walked into the door until after midnight the only two rules were we couldn't talk about the baby and we couldn't call and check on the baby.
It was hard the first 20 minutes. After that, we remembered what life was like before the baby and we were remembering old times.
The next morning we picked up the baby and immediately set up another date night two weeks later. It really helped us.
If you're having physical problems this far after delivery, check in with your doctor. Explain that it's painful and see what he suggests.
HAVE FUN! Your husband is missing his wife and you are missing him. The difference is you have the baby keeping you occupied. He doesn't.

I think your husband is just feeling left out. Kids require so much attention that there's just not really any left. You absolutely have to make time for him. Just think of it this way, he was here first and he'll be there long after the kids are gone. I definitely would plan some sort of trip that would be fun for both of you (even just a weekend trip). I think it would help, if even just to give you time to catch up and discuss the issues you don't have time to talk about when your daughter is around. I had so much trouble leaving my first baby, even with my mom and my husband's mom... trust me it gets easier (whenever we visit grandparents now with the kids, I'm like, here you go!)
Anyways, we're on the opposite end in our marriage. I've always had a high sex drive and my hubby's is very low. That sucks too because you feel like you're never attractive enough... maybe your husband feels some of that, or thinks you just don't need him anymore. Good luck with everything... it will get better, just discuss your problems or they will just sit there and cause resentment.

Hi K.,
Sorry, I haven't read the other responses but, just an interesting note. I was married to a man who felt the same way, and could not realize that motherhood changes a woman in many ways. I tried very hard to keep most of the aspects of myself that he loved the most, but it really didn't work out. We divorced, and a while later I remarried. It's completely different- this man knew me as a mother before he married me and knew what he was getting. I haven't changed much. The interesting part is, while I was in my first marriage, I had an extremely low sex drive after having a child. After I was divorced, while I was not active, I did notice that the hormones were no longer dormant. When I remarried my sex drive was higher, but I've recently had another baby and once again, it's on the low end. After discussion with friends and my own experience, I've come to the conclusion that having a baby does something physically to the need for intimacy (which often is mostly fulfilled by babies for a while) and intimate life in particular needs some TLC for a while after a baby. My personal advice would be to compromise a little, spend as much one on one time together as you can manage; talk, and agree to keep a sense of humor- no getting upset at each other, just explore new feelings and new needs; and make a serious attempt to enjoy trips he wants to take. They may not sound appealing, but it'll be good for you and the baby, and good family time. Lack of sex drive is closely linked with lack of communication and feeling close to your husband. -Sorry, if I sound like a know-it-all. I do tend to sound that way sometimes. Good luck, and hang in there.
A.

K.,

My baby is about the same age as yours, and let me tell you I only recently have been getting my sex drive back. I lost it at about 3 months pregnant and wasn't interested until very recently. That's over a year without sex! It's still difficult and uncomfortable, but at least now I'm willing. I really had to work on my mind-set regarding intimacy with my wonderful husband. He has been so patient and undemanding with me, so much so I don't think I deserve it.

He also plans activities that just aren't practical with a baby. He's always inviting me to some fun thing or other. I just have to remind him (without an exasperated tone that I have to remind him AGAIN) that it wouldn't be very enjoyable with the baby, and she's still too young to leave with a babysitter for that long.

It is such an adjustment for both you and for him. All I can offer you is what helps me. I have to occasionally sacrifice for my husband. If I don't want to do an activity because I know it will be loads more work with a baby in tow, I do it anyway (sometimes). I'm not comfortable leaving my baby with a babysitter, but I do it anyway occasionally, just so I can have a date with him.

Honestly, I think that if I was more attentive to my husbands sexual needs he wouldn't be so much trouble regarding how to spend free time. I'm trying to spice things up a bit and be willing to be with him more frequently and be creative. When I do that he is so over the moon happy that he becomes very easy to manage in other areas. Then he feels like my husband and not another child.

Hang in there. Be patient. And be a bit more willing, even if it doesn't sound fun or you're not in the mood. If you make an effort I'm sure he will. After all he loves you and your baby and just wants to spend time with you.

I don't think your situation is uncommon at all. It sounds to me like you are having trouble compromising. It sounds like your husband doesn't just want his wife back, he wants his old life back. I would recommend going to counseling so that you can work out your issues with an objective third party. It seems to me that you are trying to work this out on your own with very little success.

Oh yes, your sex drive will come back. Something I read over and over when I was a nursing mom was that no matter how "not in the mood" I was, I would always quickly get "in the mood" once I devoted the moment to it. And after I was done nursing, I couldn't get enough time alone with my husband. I still can't get the kids to bed early enough.

HE also needs to know he is no longer married to just a wife, but a mother, and that to go places with you now is to go as a threesome. It will begin to sink in as you stop nursing and the baby time can be shared with the two of you. I would chok up your husband's attitude as jealosy of the baby's bonding with you.

YOU also need to know that a one year old on a vacation is probably easier than a 3, 7 or 13 year old. I would take it now. No school schedules, no attitudes. Babies are the ultimate cargo, easier to take with you than a pet (for one, they're welcome in dining areas, another, you can strap them down into carseats and not have to worry they go overboard). Now, if you want some tips on taking trips with babies...

K.,

It's nice to know I'm not the only one to feel the way you described. Becoming a parent was like bliss for me and my husband—we loved our daughter to pieces. However, after my daughter was born I suddenly felt emotionally satisfied. I had someone to cuddle with and to kiss, but it wasn't my husband. I realized that while I was fine and somewhat getting what I needed, he wasn't and he still needed time and attention from me. Because children require 24-7 attention, it's easy to forget to care for ourselves and our spouses, but it's important to a happy, healthy family. Children will appreciate parents who take time together. My daughter even now will giggle and then whine if my husband and I hug in the kitchen when he gets home from work. But we want her to know that we are important to each other and it’s not just about her. After we hug, we lift her up and have a big family hug to let her know that she’s part of our family too.

If it’s possible, I recommend taking an overnight trip—or a weekend trip—together; just you and your husband. Some of the best advice I received was that men need loving too. So even though I missed my daughter terribly the first time we left her for the weekend, I realized my marriage needed some “us” time. And it was a rejuvenating time for me as well, when I realized I was free for a couple days, without having to work around naps and eating.

Bottom line, if you take time out of motherhood to dedicate to just your spouse, it will go a long way and he will be more receptive to your needs and the fact that 9 hours in the car with a child isn’t a relaxing vacation. We just did it, and we both agree that we won’t do it again for a few years.

I know you posted this a while ago, but I have a thought to add: It always seemed like my husband was three months (at least) behind me in adjusting to the situation.

He was almost comfortable with me being pregnant, when I delivered a month early. Then it took him 6 months or more to adjust to having a baby in the house. Of course by then, our baby was starting to sit up etc and wasn't so much a "baby" anymore. It took him similarly long to adjust when we entered the toddler stage.

It seemed like he just couldn't adapt as fast as I could to whatever new child challenges were coming our way.

Of course, I had no choice but to adapt as quickly as possible since almost all the child rearing responsibilities fell to me (still do).

My husband does not understand the concept of taking the child with you wherever you go and balks when I suggest he take our son along on some routine errand he is about to run (like the hardware store). I take Riley with me EVERYWHERE I go, there is no choice.

I really think men just take a lot longer to adjust to the completely new lifestyle you have and they perceive you as being totally different form the woman they married- because at least to a big extent- YOU ARE! You are not a single person, a woman only. You are "mommy" and that is totally different from "Wife". I think the trick is to figure out how to be "Wife-mommy". If you figure that one out, let me know!!!

My son just turned two and my husband has just started figuring out how to be a dad. So yeah, it might be a long slow painfully annoying road, but the other gals are right- it DOES get better.

But YOU have to change your perspective too- you can't expect your husband to be the same guy now either!

It's an interesting juggling act- and it really helps if you are getting some decent sleep. DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO TO GET GOOD REST/SLEEP!!! I cannot emphasize that enough. Sleep deprivation will make everything SO MUCH HARDER.

I'm sorry this turned out to be so long, but I felt like I know what you are dealing with and I hope my two cents is worth your time to read.

{{{HUGS}}} and support whenever you need it. I am an email away :)
jen

I hear ya girl...having the same sex troubles myself. I have a four month old, and since she has been born I could care less about sex, so strange. My husband is about to lose his mind. It all seems to build up and cause such tension. My only advice is to really work on communicating. Go see a therapist together, it works wonders. It is really worth the time and effort. Therapy allows you to see your partner in a much clearer and compassionate way.

Hi K.,
What your feeling is totally normal; your husband needs to have a chat with some other fathers or a trusted elder friend for a reality check. I have four children and my baby just turned one. With each one I had absoluetly no desire to be intimate with my husband and it seemed like a dreaded chore and actually sometimes avoided going to bed when he did! Now though that I have stopped nursing and working out more I feel I actually am getting back to myself. With each of my babies that drive never came back until I stopped nursing. My doctor told me your body doesn't return completely to normal until one year after you stop nursing. Hang in there, you'll start feeling hormonally better when you do stop breastfeeding and until then I would suggest that you try to find someone a friend or counselor for your husband to talk to; especially if you want more children! Hope this was helpful! ;-)

Hi K. - I'm just up the hill from you in Idaho Springs! I don't know if I can be terribly helpful with this situation, although I experienced something similar when my older children were young. I am now an "older" mom of two adopted daughters from China and in a happy, stable, and of course at our ages, a more "mature" relationship in my second marriage. My youngest son and his wife seem to be having a similar situation, and it is very frustrating to my daughter-in-law! I would encourage you to do some marriage counseling and figure out ways that both of you can compromise (sounds like you are already trying to do that!) - and discover ways to have some time together without the little one around . . . . but also perhaps to help your sweet hubby understand that having a baby brings HUGE changes to the lives of BOTH parents. I think you are perfectly NORMAL as a young mom with lots of responsibility, and the work of caring for a small child is exhausting. This part will pass and you will feel like your "old" self again . . . . but dear Daddy needs also to realize that life (with or without children) is not going to be smooth going all the time. Be patient with yourself (even if he isn't being very patient right now), be patient with him and reassure him that this is temporary, and perhaps ask him if he could try to be as supportive as possible through the early stages of your baby's life and assure him that it won't be like this forever. Compromise . . . . if you both move a little bit towards each other, hopefully you can find a place that works for both of you. Babies do grow up! Best wishes, N.

I know you got lots of good advice already, I just wanted to add this so you know there is another out there who experienced the low sex drive: I breastfed all 3 of my kids (still nursing the last one) and honestly my sex drive didn't come back until my cycles started again, about 2 years after giving birth (I extend breastfeed.. over 2 years for each child). And my sex drive is normally much higher than my husband's! So imagine my surprise!! LOL

Yes it does get better, and the time it takes is different for everyone, but for us it was 2 years.

K. -

I can relate to this. I hate to tell you that my libido plummeted after having our 5-yr-old, then bounced back after about 9 months, then plummeted again after I had our 3-yr-old. Honestly, I think it might just now be beginning to reemerge. I'm 42 now, so as an older Mom, I generally find myself completely and totally exhausted and NOT IN THE MOOD!!

I think your situation is completely typical, and I think your husband is suffering from NFDS (new father denial syndrome) which is also quite typical. Hey, I'd love to go to the Carribean too, but if you're MORE exhausted than you are normally, HOW is that going to put you 'in the mood'? We went on a great family vacation to the Oregon Coast this summer and rented a great little cottage, but near the end of the vacation my husband and I got into a fight because he thought it 'would be a great opportunity to be romantic'??!!?? After cooking, cleaning, sightseeing, running around on the beach, cooking, then cleaning up some more? - I honestly have never felt more exhausted than I did that week. Was it worth it? Sure. Was it romantic, did I reconnect with my old self? NO.

My suggestion is to get out on your own more (at least once a month) and leave your baby with your husband. This is the real time to reconnect with yourself and not have to meet anyone else's expectations. It will also give your husband the opportunity to walk in your shoes for awhile and perhaps relinquish some of his unrealistic expectations. DON'T underestimate the importance of spending free time on your own; it's critical to your sanity and it will, in the long run, help your marriage.

Good luck!!

P. May
____@____.com

I just opened my Mamasource e-mails up for the first time in a while. I am so glad you had this question. I'm newly married with a 4-mo.-old and wondering the same thing!

Thanks!

Hi K.,

I'm not sure where you're going in the Carribean, but a resort in Jamaica called FDR offers nannys for each room. It's a family resort. They will do activities with your child and take care of them for the better part of the day if you need them too. You can always compromise with your husband. Just make sure the resort you stay at is a family resort, and they usually offer sitting accomodations. Enjoy your time with your family.

this is so normal and typical. It scares me when couples say they're having trouble in their marriage and think a baby will draw them closer together. I have found a book that I thought was incredibly helpful called "Love and Respect" It seems like every difficulty in our marriage is due to the fact that he's a man and I'm a woman! When we can communicate in ways that the other understands it is amazing how good things can be, and we can stop ourselves from continuing in methods that aren't working, but actually making the problems worse. My husband still would like to play every Saturday and every evening, but we can communicate better about when is a good time to do the fun stuff and when we need to do the priority stuff. It's still important to play together, but it's a new phase of life. Different, harder, but REALLY good... and you're NOT alone. I think the baby adjustment is one of the hardest on a marriage

Ah yes, I remember it well. therapy and weekly date night are how we survived it. Trust me, you will work it out in the end. He (your husband) is feeling left out right now and 9 hour drives to go sailing are his way of testing you to see if you will "baby" him as well.

Encourage him to spend some alone time with your daughter and establish a special daddy-daughter bond.

.

Like all the other posts, we went through it, too. And we had two kids within 2 years, so that just added to the stress. We even went to counseling after our second child was born where we both learned a lot about each other, our needs, our fears, our wants, etc. He had the same complaint - I miss my wife - and I always put the kids first. But now that the kids are older (3 and 5) things seem to be getting back to the way they were. We're starting to travel more (easier with older kids) and we spend more time together and the sex is better. I find that even if I'm not in the mood, if I just make an effort, the mood usually finds it's way in a matter of minutes (if it's painful, then talk to your doctor). And yes, breastfeeding does cause a loss in libido.

Anyway, my best advice is talk to him about it. Tell him what the other wives said from this website. Tell him that you love him, that you need help getting in the mood, that you'd love to travel, but not with the baby or not so far away for such a long trip (weekend trips are great), you'd love to have dates with him (not with the baby), etc. First and foremost you need to make time to be alone together. If you can find a sitter, that will make things a lot easier.

Best wishes. It won't be like this forever.

Boy do I know that story. My husband and I actually went to some counseling and it helped a lot. My husband had no idea of some of the things I was going thru and even when I tried to explain to him, he thought I was being dramatic or something. I also had bad post partum depression. He took that very personally, too. I still have no sex drive, but he's learned not to take it personally. He just didn't get me, and it took a total stranger to help him figure it out. If you attend church, your pastor/rabbi/priest might be able to help. Otherwise, if your insurance covers it, seek out a counselor. If you're embarrassed, don't tell anyone you're seeing someone. It's not just for failing marriages, it helps to strengthen good marriages and help those who just have a few kinks. But it just sounds like your husband doesn't understand. Mine went thru a kind of rebellion, too, when our son was born. He didn't want having a kid to change our lives. And newsflash......your lives will never be the same again. I would gues he's probably trying to cling to his "old" life while also trying to be husband and dad and it's not working and he's struggling with that. Find someone to talk about it, a professional. And even if it's just you that goes at first, it will help.

Oh, it's funny how they tell us babies change everything, but we just don't realize how much until it actually happens...
Your life is different in every way now. You have another person to consider in every equasion. Maybe your husband has his head in the clouds about this. Did you talk about how things would change before the baby was born? I think it is harder for men to adjust because they aren't pregnant, don't nurse, and are usually not the primary caregiver.
I think how you feel about sex at this point is normal. Your hormones are all out of whack. Plus, it is hard to want to be intimate when you are pawed at all day by another person (your child). When my kids were nursing, I used to tease my husband that my breasts were off limits, that they belonged to the kids now, hahaha. :) Seriously, though, I do think that nursing can decrease the sex drive, but in fairness to your husband and your marriage, you need to try to get the spark back. Do you have family that could keep your daughter overnight? Maybe arrange a nice dinner somewhere, and a stay at a nice cottage or hotel, so you can concentrate on each other.
As far as your husband asking for his wife back, I think it is unfair of him to expect you to be the same person you were before you had a baby! You have undergone a huge physical and emotional change. He may miss your carefree days, but he should appreciate the wonderful mother you have become.
I would consider counselling. Maybe he would do better if heard things from a third party.

Hi K. D.,

Your husband is doing his job if he is driving you crazy sometimes. I think you need to take a weekend off from mommy, breast feeding and be the woman he married. Take two days at a bed and breakfast and get a friend to take care of the baby. I am a single mom, my husband died 7yrs ago and I was a mom just like you all about the kids and my husband was put on the side burner. Now I see where I should have let grandma or a dear trusted friend have the boys and take my husband away. Good luck, I hope this helps.

Although each situation is different, I can understand a little about what you are going through, and my husband can relate to your husband. We have five kids, and when we had the first three, we went through a time like what you are discribing, to an extent. We never had the means to take a nine hour trip to go sailing, so that was never a problem, but I do remember my husband saying the wanted his wife back. It is a tough adjustment becoming parents, and it takes a lot of understanding and comprimise. Try to understand where your husband is coming from. He used to be the most important person in your life, and now he is second in line. You used to be free to do what ever you wanted, now you have to think about how what you do will effect your baby. Even your breasts used to be "his", or so he thought, and now they are being occupied by someone else, and when they are not, they are not as freely accessible to him. You can see how this is hard on him. Try to be understanding, and give him the affection he needs, even if you are not in 100%. This isn't easy, but if you can give to him something he wants, then maybe he will give a little more on something you want. I am not saying you have to have sex with him all the time. But think about how much you do love this guy, and try to give him some affection to show him that. He needs that. Chances are if you start out doing it for him, you will end up enjoying it yourself. Plus, you need to learn how to let yourself go again, and enjoy that part of life. It is hard for women to let go when they have so much on their mind, ie, you are worried about your baby waking up, or if you will be getting enough sleep while the baby is sleeping, but you still need to take care of your marriage too. He will obviously have to learn to compromise as well. Hopefully he will see that long trips are not an option right now. But here again, this time in life will not last forever. The time will come when you can make those trips with your kids, and it will be fun again. Try to enjoy this stage in life. It may feel like you will never get out of the house again, but you will, and you will not have your "baby" anymore. Your kids will grow up, and you will wonder about those baby years. Having a family is not easy. It takes a lot of work. So get to work. It is worth it.

K.,
First of all, it will get better. I, too, got married and very quickly got pregnant. My husband & I did not have a lot of time to adjust to being happy married people, before I became totally obsessed with being pregnant. My days were filled with reading about how the baby was growing...etc. I didn't really ignore my hubby, but he was not my focal point. When our baby was born, the baby was center stage, then me, & IF people thought about it, they paid attention to my hubby. I think you might get my point....he has maybe not adjusted to having to share you with the baby....that is very normal. How would you treat him if he were another child that had to share your attention. It sounds to me like he just needs to have extra TLC. I know it is difficult when you are so busy with a baby with a no ending list of needs, but what your husband feels is not unreasonable...he just needs to know that he has not been replace...you still love him. Put on something pretty, and "baby" him....I think you will be suprised!!! It worked for me.

K., my advise would be to try to keep an open mind to some of his suggestions, check into the ideas that he has. Maybe the cruise would have child-care to offer even if for a short time (an hr. or 2) could make a big difference for him and you as well. And if you feel you are not interested in sex right now because you are worn out (trust me, I know how that is, I have been there) but give it a try sometimes even when you are because you will probably be glad you did. It is a great way to release your aggressions and tension and it will make your husband feel like you still care as well.Plus, you might actually enjoy it after all!
All of our spouses drive us crazy sometimes, I know mine does, but he is a great man and I want him to know how much I love and appreciate him and he does the same for me. I know if you don't get the same back it is pretty hard to treat someone nicely all the time. But I just think if you try to make people happy you get the same treatment back (most of the time).
Good Luck! Hope this helps...let us know okay?! :)
D. R.

OMG this us! Only my husband and I had been together less than a year when I got pregnant. I am 34 and did not want children so it unexpected. I was 7 months pregnant when my husband proposed out of the blue. He is 46 and has had a rough life, we both thought our life was complete. In comes Ms. Tenaya-Fayth 12 weeks ago. We began arguing immediately! It was so bad that I wanted to separate. We argued day in and day out over the baby money or my lack of cleaning skills. Sex was not really a fight because when I was pregnant (the entire time) sex was OUT! So he was used to it. :) So the baby is now 12 weeks and we are really improving. We dont fight as much and just concentrate on the baby. I am a stay at home mom and helps me is having a break every Friday. I stay at my moms overnight. Not only does it give my husband bonding time but he understands what I go through everyday. The bottom line is: Men are babies and jealous of the baby. Once they adjust it works out. Counseling helps too...

I remember all too well how hard it is to adjust to a new baby and keeping a good relationship with my husband. One thing is making sure you both are having good communications with one another. Knowing how the other is feeling and working together on compromizing is a huge thing. I don't know if you have family close by or someone who you feel comfortable with leaving the baby with for a weekend that way you and your hubby can get away for a bit and you can start your reconnection process. Making time (even if it is just for one night) with just you and your husband helps him to feel like he isn't just some side dish left untouched because your full from your main course. You will find that balance it just takes some time and a lot of compromizing between the two of you.
Good Luck!
Sincerely,
B.

My husband and I wed 2 years ago & I immediately was pregrant w/ my son. Not even a year later, I became pregnant w/ my now 2 month old daughter. We had the same struggles as you & your husband (communication downfall, etc. etc. etc.). Unfortunately, we are now separated & I'm raising 2 beautiful babies w/o much help. I never thought this would be the reality of MY life! Please be appreciatelve that your husband wants 'his wife back'. Try to look for the good in every situation. Rather than focusing on the negative, be grateful that your husband wants to take you on a cool trip to expose your new baby. I try to focus on the good & it brightens my day every time.

W.

K.,
You are more typical than you could ever imagine! I went through the exact same thing. We dated for 4 years before getting married and concieved 14 days after our wedding. We were both 32 when we got married so we wanted to get pregnant quickly. And, we were very happy because my step-daughter was already seven. After having my daughter Brooke, my sex drive was almost non-exsistant and I truly did not feel like myself for a very long time. Brooke is now 20 months and I feel like things are back to normal. I can't say exactly when I started to feel that way but it took time. Be patient... more importantly, tell your husband to be patient. It all takes time to adjust to.

as soon as i stopped nursing and moved the baby into her own room, at 6 months, we got back to being a couple. highly doubt you need therapy.

Hey,
A little about me... My husband and I had a new baby before our first anniversary, and then I unexpectedly got pregnant and one month after our second anniversary we had two children!! I totally understand the communication barrier and yes it gets better! So much better. For my husband, and me we just didn't understand what the other was going through. He didn't understand what I was going through being home with the babies and I didn't understand his needs. It takes time to adjust, and a lot of talking. But you both have to be willing and ready to try to understand the other person and make a compromise. It is hard, for men to realize the huge change that happens when the doctor places your child in your arms. It is different for them and sometimes it takes them a little longer to understand our feelings as mothers. I am not saying my husband didn't bond with our girls, cause he did, but he did realize how having a baby would consume my every thought. As for the sex drive... Well having children makes everything more interesting that’s for sure! Finding time to spend those intimate times is hard... but is so needed. You will get your sex drive back; I think you are completely normal. The biggest thing that has helped is just keeping the line of communication open; listening to each other and trying to understand one another. Try to do little things for each other, to show that you care. I hope this helps!

First off, you were a wife before a mother and will be a wife long after your child has grown up and moved out. You need to put your relationship with your husband first. His request isn't selfish or unrealistic. He needs his companion and lover and friend. Start small, leave the baby with a trusted friend or family member and take a night off. Go out with your husband to dinner and a movie. Try to relax. It will be hard at first as it sounds as if you have revolved your whole life and identity around the baby. (I did this too with my first 2) Got smarter on the third one and have found a pretty good balance now with the 4th. It isn't easy for sure, but it can and must be done. Once you are used to taking a night every other week, try a 1 night sleepover without the baby and build from there. Talk to your husband and let him know you are trying to become the wife again, but that it will take time to get there and to let you take the lead on some tings, you may not feel up to having sex, but making love doesn't have to be having sex, it is a back rub, some snuggling, kissing, touching... you never know it might stir up some other long buried feelings. Good luck, it will be worth it.

All of what you describe sounds eerily familiar. Marriage is hard, and marriage with kids is harder. The only thing that ever helped my husband (and I) was marriage counseling. We had to go thru a couple to find a god one, and at times I was discouraged, but once we found a good counselor things got a lot better pretty fast. Important to remember--- You are not alone, sick, or weird. Stick it out!!! Things do get better with time and a lot of effort. Don't give up!!!

I know exactly how you feel, I was in the same spot. A lot of hormonal birth control pills make your sex drive less, and I had to find an alternative. It also took my Husband and me a while to adjust to life with a baby. We both had different expectations about what we wanted and how we thought it would be. In the end we both had to compromise alot, he had to understand my reluctance to leave the baby for a night alone and I hand to understand his desire for our old life. compromise is my biggest suggestion, when it comes to trips, maybe a four hour drive, but to somewhere baby friendly and try to drive at night or durring babies nap time. as for the sex life. try new postions, role play and anything you haven't tried before. it took a long time for me to remmeber I was a wife and a sexual being still after haveing a baby. You body may respond different, but that could be a great new thing. One of my favorite things my husband and I do is, I get a rub on tattoo, put it on in the morning and let him find it at night. the fact that he has to search my body for it is exciting for both of us, and the thinking about it all day makes me excited and gets me in the mood for that night. I hope this works for you. Our second baby is alomost a year, and our sex life and relation ship is better than ever. Good luck

You are not alone out there, Trust me!!! I have 3 boys, 8,6,and 5. I am recently divorced. But please dont let that discourage you too much. My ex and i were dating for about 6 months when i got pregnant with our first son. We decided to marry shortly before he was born. We were very happy and excited, then came the troubles, exactly as you had described. I was very frustrated and felt very alone. After 9 years of no communication except our daily fight and wonderment of "where did my wife go?" or "where did I go?" we finally agreed to call it quits. Now we can actually talk, funny huh! I strongly suggest to you that you and your husband make an extreme effort to a date nite once a week. It would do wonders, I know it would have for us. It is important to take that time for just you two to talk about adult stuff, and feel like that there is a marriage not just mom and dad. And ya know sometimes you just have to "give in" to what he wants wether you really are interested or not who knows once you get started it just might be fun and turn out not so bad. A road trip or any for that matter is hard with a 1 year old, one thing we would do and I still do, is decide to travel at night so that the baby is sleeping most the time and during the day can be for the fun stuff, that is if the baby is good in the car. Well this is just my opinion, just wanted you to know you were not alone out there, and remember to communicate with your husband and he with you. It is very important, after all you can't read eachothers mind. Good Luck and take care! Keep smiling (fake it till you feel it
^-^) and keep on keepin on!

I am a sahm of two. I had been with my husband for two years
before we got married. We were married for one year before we had our first son. We were so close before our kid got here. Then after he was born my husband and I had trouble. I had postpartem depression(which I didn't find out about until my kid was almost one.) My husband started a new job that was really stressfull, so he would stop off at the bar on his way home to have a few drinks to unwind. This drove me crazy because I didn't get the luxuary of unwinding like that. It was like I had to grow up over night and he lagged behind. I didn't know if we were gonna make it through it, but after alot of talking it out, we've become close again. I think it takes alot of talking to make it work. Maybe you can just talk it out too. I know I didn't really give you much advice, sorry. I more wanted to tell you my story to let you know how I had trouble too, yet we made it through it. I wish you luck.

I felt the same way... I know it can feel like it will never be the same, but it will! Something that really helped me when my son was about a year old (last summer) was to try and get an overnight babysitter whenever we could. Or if you have parents nearby, have them take the baby for a weekend so you and your husband can get away and reconnect. We went on a camping trip with friends, one weekend we stayed in a hotel at Folly, just having a mini vacation and being able to relax, hang out with your friends, have some drinks(if you do) even just for one night, where you don't have to worry about the baby at all until the next day. Being able to not have any responsibilities for a night, and doing something that you and your husband used to do before the baby really reminds you (and him) that you are still the same person you were before, and you can still have fun even though you are parents now. You really need to reconnect to your hubby and make time for just you and him so you can just be a wife sometimes and not mommy all the time. It gives you great memories to think back to, and something to look forward to. You guys have to be on the same page and remind yourselves that you are on the same team.... help each other and encourage each other through the tough times. Explain to him that you are not feeling sexy because of breastfeeding and it is simply a physical reaction your body is having, that has nothing to do with him. And tell him that you are sorry he has been feeling left out and tell him you will try to make an effort for sex, if he promises to be patient. When you have a babysitter, it is easier to feel sexy when the baby is not around. Try dressing sexy or wear lingerie or something that makes you feel sexy (think back to when you guys first started dating and how exciting it was, try to feel that again..butterflies and all). Things are not always going to run silky smooth, but when things get tough, dont turn against each other, remind yourselves that you are on the same side, and together you guys can get through anything. Good luck!