New Baby in House Now 3 Yr Old Acting Up....

My son did the same thing when my daughter was born. I guess, they just want attention. It helps to affirm that you love him, and take some time out just for him to make him feel special. Also, remind him of how much he loves his sister, and how you will need his help to teach her things....I think it lasted for a couple of months, and then, he got over it. So, hang in there. My kids are not 6 and 3...and we are dealing with other issues, but, yeah, he will absolutely adore her. Hang in there. It will pass:0)

S.,

Change is hard. The first 6 months after a new baby are a huge transition for all of you. Mom and dad are busy and tired, older child is no longer the center of attention, the baby crying can be really unnerving. I'd recommend trying to be understanding and patient while setting clear limits and continuing to try and give him lots of positive attention. I'd try to avoid punishment as much as possible (negative attention is still attention so you don't want to go down that road). It will get better.

:-)T.

A friend told me this and it helped for us: We always tell the oldest, just a minute I'm (changing, feeding, burping) the baby. Flip it around and when your helping your oldest, even if the baby is sleeping, say just a minute baby I'm (tying brother's shoes, reading to brother, etc.) so that the oldest can hear that sometimes it is his turn too.

My son was born 6 days after my daughter turned 3 years old and it was hell. She loved him but hated me especially since my son would nurse for an hour at a time. It just took time and patience for it to resolve. She needed both extra love and attention and discipline for the times she was espcially naughty. It is now 7 months later and it is much better. I was actually glad that she acted out on me instead of the baby. Do try to spend the extra time with him when you can and remember that is does get better over time.

Try to spend even just a few minutes here or there with the 3yr old alone. When I had my second child, I too was nursing but I made sure that as I cooked dinner or did a load of laundry my older son was able to help and have time with mommy. I also had him sit with me while I was nursing. I could read him books or just talk to him. It was great bonding and helped with him not feeling so left out.

What advice I give to my parents is to try to include your son invovled in the process of taking care of your baby. Say things like , " you are such a big helper I need your help in getting me a diaper". Then after he is done helping you give some praise but also say ," wow how does that make you feel inside when you help mommy and your sister ?" so that he is interally motivated to be helpful and not just motivated by mommy's approval. If you make him part of the process it will help also you are on the right track by trying to give him some special time. Chidren at this age really have the tools to process what it means to have a new sibbling. Books are also a good source. There is a book my Mr Rogers that I will read to my class if I have a child with a new sibbling. Good luck in your jouney and you can always email me . I've been teaching preschoolers for 19 years and I am a mom myself so I know the stuggle.
Val

Hi S.,

I raised 4 boys, my youngest is 12.
It always helped when I involved the kids in helping me take care of the younger one. They get to have jobs in relation to the younger one and they get little rewards for helping. Some of the rewards were just acknowledgements of what a good job they did. Other acknowledgements were special time with mommy or some small amount of money like a quarter.

This helped them see how important they were to the family and anytime they could really see that they were truly helping
( Honey, could you go get me a diaper from the other room?" Thank you! What a big boy")they felt grown up and did not whine and compalin that they were not getting attention etc.

Hope this helps in some way.

Chelly

Hi S.! I could have written this letter! My son is just about to turn three and my daughter is just 3 months. I too am breastfeeding and my son loves his sister. He is very affectionate and has never shown any malace toward her. However, he has been acting up lately. I know it does have to do with him getting used to sharing his precious mommy (we are very close), but it also has to do with his age. He is very, very strong willed and is definitely testing his limits. It is very hard some days, but I think the most important thing to do is to be consistent in your discipline, let him know that behavior is unacceptable, and continue giving him specail attention when you can. He wants to know that he hasn't been forgotten. Just the fact that you are so concerned tells me that you are a good mom. Just keep loving on him, it will get better! Hang in there :)

My kids are 4 years apart, and for my older one, that was her worst year, four years old, right after the baby was born. Your problem could be partially due to his friend's acting up, but it probably is mostly getting used to having a newborn around the house. He'll get used to it eventually, and I'm almost positive he will get better. When my younger one was a newborn, I had a shoebox of goodies and crafts for my older one to work on while I was breastfeeding or busy with the baby. I only brought it out at those times. That helped a lot. That was a hard year for me, but I got used to it, and so did she. They are older now and play together very good. Good luck!

S.,

What helped with mine was to give my daughter all the informaiton about her baby brothers ie: names, when they were born, how old they were... Everytime we went out and someone asked about them I would defer to my daughter. All of a sudden the spotlight was back on her as she very cutely shared the information with them.

Talk with your son like he is your friend and the two of you are discussing how hard it is with the new baby and see if he opens up about what bothers him the most. With that information you can try to work things out to help him if possible. Make sure that you are still buddies and that it is difficult for you too.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn

I don't know why this is one of the biggest secrets of parenthood, but 3 is way worse than 2. Also, it is more complex with a new baby and you are more tired. Three is an age where they challenge EVERYTHING... some days, I could not even get teeth brushed without a fit, not to mention anything complicated like food shopping. Anyhoo, give him social opportunities, meet with other moms and discuss strategies. I had a new baby and a 3 year old also and it was a very tough year. One thing that you can do while breastfeeding is read to him. Sit side by side on the sofa and he can hold the book and turn the pages. My daughter used to love this reading time with me and it usually lasted for 30-45 minutes, so we'd read 5-6 books at a time. she took pride in choosing the books and turning the pages. Maybe you can find a way to turn breastfeeding time into some kind of quiet time with your little man. Also, if he can have an important role with the baby, that is good, too. My daughter used to sing the ABC song to the baby whenever she cried. (sometimes it worked!!) this made her feel like she was contributing and helped the two bond as well.

In response to another mothers statement.I don't get it....Its a (REWARD) to show your child attention?I don't care if hes had a tantrum or not.Theres a (reason) for his acting out.Just because he doesn't know how to communicate that reason,doesn't mean he should be (shunned)I hear this so often,and its nuts. Its like saying....He can't sit down and have a one on one with me to tell me whats troubling him, so hes just going to have to suffer the consequences! Is that what you say about a (newborn to?) "Well hes crying again...I don't know why..."I'll show him"...i'll just ignor it,until he tells me? S.,your three year old isn't able to communicate his feelings to you at this young age.You have to (guess) Nursing a baby is a (close time) between mother and baby,and your three year old obviously is envious of that closeness. You already know what the problem is,now all you need to do, is make sure your giving him (enough) (close time). He may appear (very independant) but he still likes to have you wrap your arms around him and be close.You may even have to chase him down to do it at first,but he needs that.best of luck to you S.

Acting up after the birth of a new baby is not only normal, but to be expected. Things have changed drastically for him, and no matter how easy you make the transition, he will not understand his new place in the family for a while.

The things you are concentrating on are good; one on one time, etc. But consider; is there something you can do with your son while you breast feed during the day? Could that be a short story time, where the 3 of you spend some quiet time together-sister is feed and cuddled and big brother gets some cuddling too?

And, yes, the playmate that acts out can influence you son's behavior, but when there are consequences at your house for acting this way, it will become less an option for him.

The behaviors your three year old are exhibiting could be a lack of attention. I know that I am not looking forward to this (I am expecting #2- due in the next 2 weeks). I have been told that if while you are breastfeeding the baby, you let your older child pick out a book, he sits next to you, and you read to him helps, or help him color while you nurse. Try getting a sling (one that will allow you to nurse with your hands free- (www.thingamasling.com is where I got mine, and it is wonderful- I can use it with my 2 year old too, or with my baby- it has many different positions you can use as the baby grows). Then you have both hands relatively free and can do other activities with your 3 yr old, you are still taking care of the baby, but you are also hands free for your three year old, and can give him a little more attention.

Have your husband take your son to the park, or do other things with him that are one-on-one, and then when you can, leave the baby home and you take your sone for a special one-on-one time as well. Also maybe talking to the friend's mom about when his friend's behavior started will give you an idea of where your son got the behavior from. Maybe spending less time with his friend will help his behavior, especially if you tell him that he can't go to his friend's house unless one behavior is stopped. Then when he stops the one behavior, then let him go back for a few days and do it again. Soon your son will realize that in order to go to his friend's house, he has to do XYZ, and has to act like a big boy. Ignoring the behaviors could help too- most times negative behaviors are just to get your attention, and if you don't give him the attention, then he will realize he has to do something else to get attention - use a rewards chart or something similar to reinforce good behaviors!

good luck and have fun! I can only imagine what lays ahead for me!

Hello S.,
Right before it is time to nurse take ten minutes to cuddle and read a book with the big kid. His behavior is normal. D.

Our daughter was almost 3 when our son came along and she started to stutter as a way of dealing with the stress (lasted about 2 months). Acting out is how your son is probably handling his stress. He doesn't need discipline, just love and attention while everybody adjusts.
When both you and Dad are home, make sure one of you is with your son as much as possible so he doesn't feel the baby gets all the attention. While nursing, we did the reading like someone else suggested or I would put on a special show to watch with her and my daughter loved it.

S., the only thing I know that worked for us was to include the older children more. Helping with diaper changing. Maybe express and let him help feed....when he feels like the helper and part of the time consumer, he will be less inclined to feel it necessary to misbehave etc.. Good Luck and God Bless You!

My girls are exactly 3 yrs apart, and I remember feeding times. One thing I did, was during the morning feeding, I let the older one watch 1 cartoon, it took about the same time to feed. You can sit in there with them, or where you usually feed. During another one, it would be coloring time (or some other special thing that your son enjoys). I still gave my older daughter nap time (alone time if no nap), during the afternoon feeding. By the early evening feeding, it was 1 more cartoon, or if Daddy was home already, it was taken care of. It can be a transition for them, but remember how good it is for them to learn that they are not the center of attention, and they will learn to coexist with others, including as their sibling gets older. Be patient with him, and remind him and encourage his new freedom as he gets older, and how his sister will have to wait for hers. Include him in the helping, getting diapers, etc. And, encourage sibling time (even if it's 5 min to start with) as it will help them to have a good relationship, and learn how to work together, as well as help him learn to be a wonderful protecting big brother. Have fun!

Hi S.,

There may be some acting out with the new child but, you've heard of "the terrible twos"? Well, they don't just occur at two. In fact, my daughter was fine at two and had "terrible fours". There is an adjustment period when a new baby arrives and five weeks is very new. Just be patient and loving and don't get angry at your child for acting up. Just don't reward him either by giving more attention after a tantrum.

V.

Have you tried giving him a bay doll to feed "with you". MIght be worth a shot, then you can sit and chat or what have you while you are feeding your babies. 3 yr olds love imaginative play anyway...might be worth a shot. Good luck!!! This coming from a mom dealing w/ similar transitions I have a 10 week old and a 3 and 5 yr olds.

Just a sugestion but he is most likely jealous and doesn't know how to deal with it, he loves her but it's a new feeling to him and he won't be able to explain it to you.

Try reading a book to him while nursing, so that he is more apart of this, Or do puzzles with him, Think of something that you can do to give him attention at the same time. This is also good for the baby, the baby sees that it is mommy time for both of us and won't be so (it's my mommy not yours). Most likely after a few weeks he'll be okay with the whole idea and won't need your time as much. Good Luck! It does get easier, we just all have to figure out where we each belong. J.

Our son who was mild-tempered before his sister was born (three years apart) started getting aggressive and attention oriented when she was born. He also adored her, held her, sang to her, read books to her (made up words from the pictures of course!). The aggression and increased emotion was really hard for us. I wasn't sure if I'd done something wrong, or where he had learned the behavior. Slowly we figured out that he just really needed to be reassured. There are no two ways about it - his relationship with us had changed - it didn't feel as secure, and being three, he didn't really understand it and his feelings were overwhelming to him. I didn't handle it perfectly at the time, but if I had things to do again, I would try really hard to offer him consistently approx. 30 minutes a day just one-on-one mommy (or daddy) time where we played whatever he wanted - time during the day he could count on. This way he can safely express his emotions thru play (watch for themes if you want to know how he's doing) and you get to reconnect with him and remember why you adore him. This advice comes from a compilation of a few experienced child therapists I know and personal experience. It took about 6 months for the situation to smooth out, and they are beautiful friends now. Just know you are not alone and it will all be fine soon.

Hi S.,

I just went threw the same thing with my three yr old. I thing being the only child. And then bringing in a new one is always going to be hard. At three they have a pretty good idea of what is going on. Any younger, and you might be able to snow ball them. I bought games to play, and would try to go out side to let my little boy play in the sand box or ride his bike. If I was breast feeding I would tell my husband to read to him, or I would ask My son to get a book to read. Before we even left the the Hos. my Pediatrician talked to my husband. He told him if I was feeding or trying to get sleep, to pay extra attention to our son. We did a lot to try to make him feel special. My friends that have recently had their second child, have also been going threw simular situations. My son even told me that "I had a baby, but it got big so I went and got a new one". Talk about a dagger to the heart. We talked about other peole that had brothers and sisters. And how much fun it would be when they are older. My little one is almost six months now,and thing are much better. My older son has warmed up to the idea of being a big brother. And is very loving with the baby. But he was acting out for about that first month. I'm also finding that three yr olds like to test their limits. So our hand are just full right now. J.

S., I feel your pain! Our new baby boy is now 13 weeks old and we also have a boy 3.5 yr old who went through the same thing. He loves his brother and is not aggressive toward him at all (thank God). The first 3 weeks with baby home were fine, but then our older son realized the baby was here to stay. He would get really needy anytime I held the baby. For example, he's been fully potty trained for several months, but one evening he simply stood in the living room 2 feet from me and completely peed his pants! Down to his socks and shoes. He said "Mommy, we need to change me" and he expected me to put down the baby to help him. I did not want to reward this behavior so I continued holding the baby (who had just eaten and couldn't really be put down anyway) and firmly escorted my son through the process of undressing himslef and re-dressing, then putting his wet clothes in our washing machine (it's a front loader so easy to reach). He even had to move damp clothes from washer to dryer. I didn't scold him but let him know it was "not OK". Maybe I sound like a big meanie, but it worked and he hasn't done anything like that since. It also made me realize he really needs more attention from me since he's always been a very good kid and that was extremely out of character for him. Since then I've made concerted efforts to spend high quality time with him without baby. It means ignoring dishes, laundry, etc and sitting on the floor to play or taking him somewhere alone. Hard to coordinate but well worth the effort. He still wants my attention constantly but he is much better after we have some 1:1 time. Hang in there - soon baby will be old enough to provide some attention for your son, as well. I caught my older one singing to baby in the swing the other day, and beaming whenever his baby brother smiled. Can't wait for them to be pals someday soon :)