Neighborhood Rules

Why don't you just close the garage?

When we were growing up we had a great neighborhood.
No one got toys out of other peoples garages/homes.
No one just went into others homes/yards without being invited (by the kid who lives there).
Kids brought out their own toys - usually one at a time - and everyone would play - then the owner of the item took it with them when it was time to go home.
You just tell them (the kids) your rules for your house/property/yard - you can't control what goes on anywhere else.
No way do you allow other kids playing with your kids toys and excluding your kids.
If anyone just leaves without helping to pick up (and it's not an emergency), then they can't play at your place the next day.
If after being told what your rules are and someone breaks the rules, they get sent home for the day (and do it every time a rule is broken).
If their parents want to talk to you about it, you explain what your rules are and that their kids are welcome to play as long as they mind your rules but if they disobey then you'll send them home.
Set your boundaries and enforce them.

My house is the house all the neighborhood kids play at also, and I love it. There have been countless nights that I have spent picking up stray toys, balls, scooters, etc. It used to bother me. I tried talking to the kids, putting the toys in time out, only allowing them access to a smaller number of toys, everything I could think of. Each tactic only worked for a short time. I finally decided that being frustrated over the five extra minutes it took me to pick up every night was a waste of energy. I chose to accept that a mess happens when kids play and have fun. Also, my kids are entertained for hours each day which frees up time for me to do other things. Changing from viewing it as a problem to seeing it as a sign of a good day made a big difference for me.

I played out our neighbor's house quite a bit growing up - and they played out ours. I never remember helping them put away the toys, and they never helped me put away our toys. I always figured part of having friends over means cleaning everything up after they leave.

As a mom (on playdates) we would always help clean up before we left. But that was when my child was 2. When my boys have kids over, I would never expect our guests to clean up. That is our job after our guests leave.

Now, if the neighbors are taking your toys and playing with them outside of playing with your kids, that is not acceptable. Neighborhood kids should not have access to your garage. If they are playing with your kids and want to use something, they need to ask you. The garage should be off limits unless you are getting something out for them. But you should not expect them to put everything away. That's your family's job.

First, close the garage. If the garage is closed they can't get into the stuff without asking and that includes your kids as well.

I would have a discussion with the kids and say that if they want something they need to ask and then return. I would also say that the toys are for everyone's enjoyment. If they can't follow those rules, I would then tell them the next day that they aren't allowed to play with items or in the yard because they didn't follow the rules the day before. Let them know that are welcome tomorrow but that they have to follow the rules regarding toys.

Do that a few times and they will get the rules.

you can make yourself crazy trying to be nice, and/or nuanced. when you're dealing with wolfpacks, make the rules general and simple. you won't disturb the happy vibe by making toys off-limits without permission, and it's WAY easier to train and enforce that than 'bikes are okay but not bats, the first one to go home doesn't have to clean up but the last one does, and you can only use the trampoline for 10 minutes then let the little ones on.'
'no toys unless mr jen C or i are out here' is just easier for everyone. kids can have a marvelous time playing WITHOUT toys. and it's good for 'em.
khairete
S.

I agree with keeping your garage closed.
I definitely understand there is a learning curve when it comes to neighborly relationships and dealing with the various neighborhood children! From my experience, keeping the garage shut is a good idea for various reasons: avoiding theft (we, along with several other neighbors, had our weed whacker and other lawn equipment stolen from our garages in the middle of the day last year. The thief simply took items from anyone who had an open garage); avoiding kids climbing into our cars or scratching the paint on our cars, avoiding kids raiding the freezer in the garage; avoiding toys being stolen or broken. All of those things have happened and it was always some neighbor kid, sigh. In addition, when the kids go in the garage, it is hard to see them, they can get hurt since often the garages are dark and overcrowded with bikes and equipment, and to be honest, we have had a few issues with our younger child being asked by a neighbor friend to show him her private parts. So, the garage is off limits for all those reasons and I just keep it shut most of the time, or if we open it to get a toy out, I just tell everyone they are not allowed to go in the garage. There are too many problems that have and can occur from them going in and playing in there. If there is a toy we are willing to share, I bring it out, and then I ask ALL the kids to pick up before they leave.

Just deal with the children directly, be very firm and clear, so they know you are serious. Your house, your stuff, your rules. Let them know what you expect and if they don't respect your rules follow through by making the toys off limits.

I think it's ok to have a brief kid meeting to say - hey, summer is coming so let's review the rules for playing at our house. Then talk about sharing and putting things away. Let them know that anything that is not put away properly will be put away by you in a place that they cannot get to, and they won't be able to play with it.

It will only take one or two times of them coming down and saying, hey, where is the basketball? Then you say, I'm sorry, no one put the basketball away the last time you were here, so it's not here for you to use anymore.

You need to set up a consistent rule and a consistent consequence if you want to keep it from getting out of hand.

And I don't think that you need to involve the other parents, although if they hear about it from their kids and ask, it's certainly not anything to shy away from. A simple answer - that you laid down some ground rules for your house the summer to make sure toys don't get lost or broken - is fine.

Kids should absolutely not be getting things out of your garage without asking first. You need to put the door down and tell your kids they need to ask before going in. Set limits now. No need to make a big production about it. Just do it. And make a comment at the next group function that the kids are all slobs and you are done cleaning up so the toys are on lock down.

And I am also going to probably go against popular opinion but your boys are younger and should not be out in the neighborhood with the older boys unsupervised. Playing ball in your yard is one thing. Taking your kids toys but not allowing them to play is not ok. That's bullying and if you are not present you can't put a stop to it.

So make rules and stick to them. Otherwise you will not be able to keep toys and your kids will be as rude as the others sound.

The quickest way to be the hated neighbor is to tell other parents that they aren't parenting up to your standards. Not to mention that you don't get to set the bar on correct parenting. Calling a meeting is a bit extreme over playing with toys. Nope your best bet is to have rules for your house and your things and stick to them.

When a kid goes into your garage without asking say 'oh sorry but you need to ask before going into any part of my house. Please don't go in the garage without asking.' 2 sentences period. If you keep talking they've quit listening.

When they finish playing with something and start to walk away say 'Excuse me but since you took out the toy you need to put it away. Please pick it up and put it back where you found it.'

If the same kid keeps leaving your things outside it's perfect ok to be the parent that says 'Sorry but no you can't play with our toys today. You forgot to put things away last time.'

Your job as a parent is to enforce your rules and use them as a teaching tool. Be calm and deal with the situation as a grown up instead of being the neighborhood toy police.

Having to pick up all the toys yourself is a trade-off for not directly supervising. And for having all the kids gather at your house, if you enjoy your kids having this play time at your place all the time.

Can you cut down the number of toys everyone has access to? When the kids come in and ask for this or that toy which is put away, you can ask that all the current toys get picked up first?

If something is really valuable or special to your own kids, and other children keep them from their own things, I would keep that toy away from group access as well. Or at least bring those things out only if you are willing to supervise and be the take-turns monitor.

If you aren't home, or your kids aren't available to be outside playing, I would keep the toys picked up and behind a shut garage door.

I agree with you, I would not involve the other parents. It sounds like just kids being kids, you must have a lot of cool stuff!

Bikes and the like were the only items my kids went out with and they are responsible to make sure it came back. Sometimes they needed a soccer ball or something but again that belongs to my kids and they were responsible to return it.

I don't think the issue is kids not returning stuff I think your kids are getting too much out or letting the other kids get stuff out. Why on earth would so many items be removed that it is a huge issues for your kids to gather them up or have their friends gather them up?

I guess I am saying your kids are playing with them, they are responsible, end of discussion. This was never an issue with us because my kids knew they were responsible for their stuff.

Nothing good is going to come from you calling a meeting to make rules for other people's kids. Just control your situation.

Shut your garage and don't let them have the toys.

You said the kids play outside without supervision. That means no parents watching.

When they're on your property you can tell them what to do just as anyone else has that right when they're on that person's property.

You say things like

"Hey! You guys be sure to put those things up where you found them when you're done. I don't want to have to go looking for them".

"I'm trusting you to play with our xxx and XXX so please remember to put them back here when you're done so I can still trust you".

I'm so glad you like that toy! It's really cool isn't it? Could you bring it back and put it up when you are finished playing with it?".

You don't say "You are a bad kid who takes my things and doesn't put them back. I have to work as your servant, clean up, when you go home at night. Stop touching my things" which is how this will come out if you don't make positive statements instead.

This isn't something I'd bring up to other parents, but I would handle it on my own because my yard/house, my rules. You need to make sure all visiting kids know the rules.

Do tell the neighbor kids, "If you want to play with the toys here, you have to help clean up before you leave." They might need to be reminded, so keep an eye out for awhile to catch them before they take off.

If a kid plays inappropriately, break things, etc. then be outright with saying, "If ________ then you can't be in our yard to play." Give only one warning, then you have to follow through. If you don't no one will take you seriously. Go right ahead and send a kid home if necessary.

Your kids are on the young side still, but a good goal is to put them (mostly) in charge of policing their own toys and yard. If the neighbor kids leave a mess, your kids have to clean it up. What will happen eventually is that your kids will exert authority either by enforcing cleanup, or they will opt to stop playing with certain kids to save themselves work.

Just set the rules you want directly with the group. Our rules were no ins & outs without telling an adult. Put back what you play with as you go or help clean up before you go (most of the time). If things got messy I'd just ask them to pick up some stuff, not a big deal. The last rule was play inclusively, this was a mostly girl group and I made it clear NO snitty stuff, be kind or go home.

One final tip is reserve the right to say not today or it's time to go home. They are kids, they will be right there tomorrow with no feelings of rejection or hurt. Don't feel like you have to be polite at your own expense.

I can tell from your post that you enjoy being the house where kids want to play. I completely relate and in our experience it was a huge blessing in many ways. You're giving these kids the gift of a great childhood, not many children have the freedom and time to just be kids anymore. I have personal experience that it builds great adults, lifelong friendships and sweet memories.

If you're not going to speak to the parents, you should definitely speak to the kids. Tell them in no uncertain terms that they are not allowed in your garage. That if they want to use a toy, they have to ask for permission. The only time they are allowed in your garage is to put the toy away. If they don't follow those rules, they cannot play with the toys. Period. So yes, you have to be the toy police for awhile. If you're not willing to do that, then you can't complain about the kids' behavior. Kids that aren't yours don't know your expectations. You have to tell them.

The kids in our neighborhood follow these rules and don't have problems. If the neighbor kids whine about it, too bad.

It's a nice idea to have the kids play at your house. But coming in and out of your garage could set you up for a liability suit.

Close the garage and that will end it. Your kids can play with their things in their garage. You don't have to supply the neighborhood with activities. Besides your husband will be happy to know that the garage is not a disaster every time he comes home. Time to put an end to the free play area.

If the garage is closed and not open they can't just come in and take the toys. Your toys will last longer and not be destroyed. Toys are not cheap now days.

Good luck.

the other S.

PS Close the door. I hate to see open garage doors driving the down the street because there will come a time when someone other than the kids could come in to your home and help themselves. It just looks tacky to me to see the door open and no one around why invite a problem?

You've already gotten the answer that resolves it: No more garage access for any kids but your own, and when your OWN kids take a toy out, they alone are responsible for returning it. And I would not really want to expect my five and six year olds to tell 10-year-olds "You have to give that back to me now," so frankly I'd say: No toy sharing, except possibly a very few cheap and easily replaced items (soccer ball, whiffle ball and bat, whatever). Tell your own kids how to ask for things back and what to do if an older kid says no -- to tell YOU.

If you have a talk with parents, you will come off as lecturing and I would bet that your own kids will hear about it, and not nicely, from the other kids.

If you tell the kids, "You have to do X and Y" they are going to remember for a short time and then start to forget, will stop replacing things, will start again to hog the toys from your own kids -- in other words, you've already been through that, and know that's what will happen if you lecture the kids.

So just say, "Sorry, kids, we're keeping the garage closed." No need to over-explain. Do not say "It's because you don't treat our toys well." Be consistent; don't let them in and out sometimes but not others. If the other kids ask about the toys or ask you to get the toys for them, I'd say, "Why don't you (play tag, go on next door's swing set, whatever) instead?" Always redirect them to another activity immediately. And then drop it. If these kids, including your own, nag you to get out toys: Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I would not let children have free range of a garage anyway. Surely you have more than toys stored there, right? Tools? Paint or cleaning chemicals? Car oil and other auto items? Those are not appropriate for kids to be around.

Right now they get out toys but eventually they could see something else interesting there and in all innocence -- because they've been allowed to go in the garage so they figure it's OK -- they might take something they shouldn't, or much worse, they might get injured in there. This won't be because the kids are purposefully stealing or being "bad" but because you've set the precedent that they can enter the garage at will and it's permissible. And you would be legally liable for anything that happened to them in your garage, by the way. I hate to go "there" with the legal talk but it's true, and it's so easily avoided by just keeping your private garage private.

If you're worried about "We'll seem so mean and unfriendly" -- the kids will get over it and any parent who doesn't understand or makes a big deal of it -- well, ignore that parent, smile, and say, "There's so much for the kids to do outside in the beautiful spring weather...." It's all in how you handle it. Lecture and tell the kids "We're shutting this down because of you" and yes, the neighbors will say you're mean; redirect the kids with lots of alternative ideas, and say it's about house safety, and drop it after that, and it will blow over.

.

Hmm. tough.

I wonder if, since they are playing for HOURS, that maybe half way through, or when it starts getting close to the time you KNOW some of the kids are going to start drifting on home... you make a "put away/clean up" announcement. Everyone stop for 2 minutes and pick up and put away everything that isn't in your hand being used right now.
At least that would eliminate stuff that is dragged out hours before and forgotten about.

And when one kid gets called in or heads home... have that kid put away the toy he was using.

You could have a loose "meeting" with the kids and just tell them:
Hey guys. We've been noticing that a lot of toys are getting left out and not put away when everyone goes home. So, starting today this is what we're going to do: Halfway through, we're going to stop and put away things that aren't being used. Then, when YOU (individually) have to go home, you need to put away the thing/toy you are using. At the end of the night, anything not put away will be grounded for 2 weeks. (not the kids, the items left out). If everyone helps putting things away, and pitches in, it won't take a lot of time and the toys will stay nice.

There will be some amount of personal responsibility, some amount of peer pressure to comply,etc... And you will likely have to time-out/ground a toy or two or three... but in a few weeks, if you stick with it... you'll probably eliminate the majority of the problem with stuff being left lying in the yard.

Don't blame any particular kid. Don't call out any kids. Just blanket statements. When the toys are left lying out, the kids will know who left them, who left without putting things away, who had something out using it, etc.

As for free reign taking things out of the garage... maybe have a limit on the number of items out at once? (that would help with stuff left out as well, actually).

I'm not real sure how to approach the kids who don't share with your kids. Have you spoken to them when it happens? "Hey, we share things here, don't we?" or are you sure that you are aware of the full story in those instances? It's easy to see your kid being denied playing with something, but to miss him playing with it for an hour and not letting anyone else have a turn...
If you notice that it is the SAME items that this is happening with, make those off limits during group play time. Period. For everyone.

We have the fun garage in the neighborhood too, but the kids here seem to understand that they need to be playing with OUR kids in order to use our stuff. I think it's reasonable for you to have a little meeting with those kiddos and let them know they can use your things when your kids are also playing those games, but to please stay out of your garage until then. I have to explain the rules all the time with the neighbor kids and I expect the parents in the neighborhood to do the same, if there are any concerns. I'm sure it's fine if you set your rules and explain them to the kids. Also, if they are playing with the toys with your kids, go outside a few minutes before your kids have to head inside and give them all a few minutes to clean up all the stuff. That's really up to me to remind them, but I work that into the schedule so my kids aren't picking up everything.

If keeping the garage closed isn't the best option for you, maybe you could get one of those small wood sheds or something that has a lock, and you can lock up the toys. When the kids want to use them, they can "check out" with you; you write the name of the kid who is claiming responsibility for them, and when they are returned you can cross the name off the list. Then you know WHO is borrowing the toy, and they understand at *They* will be the one responsible for it. Plus, you could initiate a rule that after 3 times of not returning the toy, they lose checkout privileges.

Kids are kids and they will continue to be kids until they grow up and become adults. This is a unviersal issue once warm wether comes and the family cutures of a bunch of kids all come together.

First realize that even 9 and 10 year olds are young kids. Sure they seem older than yours - but they're still only in 3rd or 4th grade. Some families are very free with sharing, others are not. some have lax rules - others are OCD - most are soemwhere in between. We decided when our kids were really young (we had a similar neighborhood, we were the middle house in the cul de sac where 10 kids, spanning 7 years, played) that we wanted kids to be comfortable at our house and we wanted our house to be where the kids hung out so we'd know who our kids' friends were. It is more costly to be that house. More snacks, more toys, more patience.

There are always some kids who are not going to recognize the boundaries. But even the best kid will need to be told something about a million times before it "sticks". So yes - you will need to "remind" them about putting things back, letting the little kids play, etc. As ong as you're not yelling at the kids I see no problem whatsoever in gathering the kids together when they're out playing to remind them of the household rules regarding toys. Do it while you're giving out juiceboxes or those frozen tube ice-pops. Then the kids see it as a positive - and none of the parents will glance out the window and get the wrong idea.

Another note - I had a neighbor who would make a point of sending her kid back to our house after everyone went in for dinner to bring a toy over that a kid left on their front lawn. They were my kids' toys - and sometimes my kid left it one their lawn, and sometimes another kid did. If a snack wrapper was left on their bench (we all had benches by our mailboxes so we could watch the kids while they were playing) she'd leave it on our bench when she went inside. Really? It took more effort to put it on our bench than to carry it to your kitchen to throw away. Far more effort to get your kid to return a toy to our front door. I can't tell you how many times I found her kids' toys in our yard, or snack wrappers from other kids in our yard. Who cares? They're kids - they're playing and doing what kids should do. (She got to be known as a pain in the butt parent who thought her kids were perfect and pointed fingers towards every other kid in the nieghborhood.)

Take care of the big stuff and don't sweat the small stuff. In the scheme of things young children's outdoor toys are small stuff. Cancer is big stuff, job loss or divorce is big stuff. The kids toys not being put back by the neighborhood kids is ultimately small stuff in life. In a few years when they're in middle or high school you'll chuckle about this stuff. It's just stuff.

The bottom line is that some kids need lots of reminders to put toys away. The best time to remind them is while they're playing, remind them in a positive way. Whether your realize it or not - you do want to have your kids bring their friends to your house - you want to know who their friends are and you begin this pattern when they're little guys like yours. Make hot dogs for the whole gang if it's lunch time, get frozen pizzas or Gogurts at Costoc or those frozen tubes ice-pops. When your kids are 15 and 18 like mine you'll be happy that you know who all their friends are, and happy that their friends know your hosue is a safe and friendly place to hang out.

This is easy. Get all the kids together. "Beginning now there is a new rule: you play, you put away." Every night go outside, anything left out, put in your house. They are not allowed to play with that item. If anyone asks, "Where's the basketball?" You respond with, "You play, you put away." Believe me, all the kids will understand the new rules in your house in 3 days.

Best,
T. Y
SAHM of 5
13, 12, 6, 4 & 2

That is the same exact thing at my house. My kids have allthe toys. If my children arent aloud to go outside for some reason the neighbor kids have no toys or balls to play with. They have a basketball and maybe 3 bikes. It's because those kids dont know how to play and treat their toys correctly. We have pogo sticks, bikes, soccer balls, foot balls, basket balls, baseballs, gloves, and bats, a wagon, anything a kid would ever need to play outside. Our neighbors sometimeesare isrespectful of my childrens toys. I understand that they're kids and are just playing and having fun. I have no problem with the kids expirementing new ways to play with the toysas long as it wont ruin them, but in most of the cases they ruin them. They broke one of our bikes because they thought it would be a good idea to run into the fence so they could play with our old crutches. What i normally do is I dont let the neighbor children play in our ard or with our toys for a few days. That normally teaches them to respect others property andhelps them realise its a priviledge to have those toys to play with. Another thing you could do is every toy that ismisusedorleft out atnight goes to a section of the garage wwhere those kids cant take anything in there. We have put alot of toys away for a little while. What you do is you tell the kids they arent alowed to play withany of those toys untill you put them in the main part of the garage. The more toys they mistreat and leave out at night the less they have toplay with. Once theres not alot of fun stuff to play with anymre, or whenever you decide to give the kids their toys back, call all thekids together and tell them that if they mistreat them or leave them out again they will go to the back again. I undertand that theyre your kids toys and you can let him have thechoice of playing with that toy orplaying with his friends. I know it seems a bit harsh, but it will certainly teach the kids respect. I wouldnt get the parents involved unless it gets worse and they dont sto.I hope this helped :)