Negative Thoughts About Husband, Just a Phase or Real Trouble?

I won't go into much since you have gotten a lot of wonderful advice on here, I just wanted to comment on what you said about how many people say they are married to "the most wonderful husband" "my best friend in the whole world" etc etc, GAG! LOL, I have to smirk at them too, because come on, we all know there are no perfect men out there, and for some it may seem that way in the beginning, but that little blue sky of sunshine won't last forever.
On that note I have to say that it takes two to work at a marriage, and it's not an easy task, and you can't force someone to love you, or love them, but it's always worth the try and the risk until you've exhausted all options.

If you think you don't love this man enought o stay married to him, then please, please, please don't have another baby with him. It isn't fair to plan on that if you don't watnto stay.

Not to negate what anyone else has shared, just my experience...when I was told to get the proper feeding and care of husbands I started reading it and it just pissed me off more. In my case my husband was being a jerk--but many of the feelings you express are the same. I did benefit from the 5 love languages. I have posted this before so if you've read any of it sorry--but I started to treat my marriage like a project, I knew if I was going to get a divorce I wanted to never look back and regret that decision. So I was going to do all I could to save the marriage first and then if things didn't turn around I would be able to walk away knowing I had done everything I could to make it work first, you know, no regrets...So I found a website called Marriagebuilders.com Dr. Harley is the guy behind the website, he coaches people from all places in life but even through working through an affair. a lot of the stuff on the site was overwhelming, a lot was helpful. The main thing I took from it was to focus on my marriage and my husband like a bank. I needed to make more deposits than withdrawals. We get stuck in negative patterns too easily. I was pissed at first thinking why do I have to work at this? I was also seeing a counselor at the time who pointed out that although when we are dating and first married it doesn't feel like work, we are...we get dressed up all special for them for dates, they pay for dinner and movies and buy flowers or spend time with us undivided time--then life gets going and our focus can't be 100% on each other we combine our income and suddenly the flowers are too expensive, we can't afford to go out to eat--etc. etc. and we stop doing these things that were work but felt so fantastic in the euphoria of a new relationship. The euphoria wears off. I don't care who you are, it wears off. I think the reason some people can say I'm married to the love of my life is because they choose to keep loving that person. To keep working on it--anyone being honest will admit to days when they are annoyed with their spouse or something they do...spend that much time with any of your girlfriends and you'll find things to be annoyed with them about too. It's human nature. Point taken--I got it. Okay fine, I will work on this for a while. I kept track of my deposits and withdrawals and I realized I was really really negative with my husband. He was too--but I was taking responsibility for me. So I started making deposits instead. I didn't feel like it at first and I had to ask myself what would a loving tender wife do for her husband? I made brownies his fav. I like them too so okay it's a start...I wrote a note, (Name) I made these for you because I know they are your favorite. check. anyway I started doing things like that and if I did a "love buster" as Dr. Harley calls it like yelling or something I would then make sure I made 3 positive "deposits" for each negative. It was a project. plain and simple. Was I going to be meeting his sexual needs at this time? Nope. I loathed that thought. (Part of why the proper feeding and care of husbands pissed me off) I wasn't in a place to take her kind of talk or advice to heart. There is value to it, I am not saying there can't be, It just wasn't where I was. I gave myself 3 months...after all what is 3 months after a few years? and if there was no improvement then I would re-evaluate. It took time after 3 months things were better but not ideal. So I gave it 3 more months. It got better. And keeps getting better. I don't regret working through our stuff and my feelings. Instead of walking away I am still married. He's my best friend sure--but it doesn't mean the 6th grade girlfriend I tell everything to best friend...I prefer his company over others but I also need time away with my girlfriends. I realized I had to find happiness with myself and who I am in the process as well. I realized that even though I Loved staying home I resented not getting out and I missed the kudos from finishing projects at work. Laundry is never done. you know? it's great to be able to stay home but it seriously sucks too. So I am working on finding things for myself to create happiness seperate from my husband, so I can be happy in our marriage. Yeah, it is work. but when you get to where they are working as hard as you are it doesn't feel so much like work anymore. That doesn't always happen, I know that--but think, you loved this man enough to marry him...why? what was so wonderful? (first reaction I had? who knows...what the hell was I thinking???) but after I gave time to really think about it I made a list, I had kept a journal, that helped--anyway I started to focus on what was working instead of what wasn't--for me it has a happy ending, at least so far--we are both still working at it. Am I euphoric? no--but I am much happier than euphoria which is fleeting. I know I have earned my way into this place and that if I keep focusing on the good then the bad doesn't matter so much. He still has big pores on his nose--and he still wears too much black for my taste (I was getting petty) BUT he's a great dad. He does the dishes. He seriously cares about how my day is going and he holds me when I cry. We weren't in that place--I guess I'm trying to say (in my long winded way haha) Be willing to earn your way out if you are going to get divorced--or earn your way back into an even better place than you were in before. Whichever way it works out for you you will KNOW you did all you could. Honest down in your core you will know and it won't matter what anyone else says or feels about it...you will know. I had friends advise me to leave to get out, I wasn't happy they hated seeing me that way blah blah--others who said NO MATTER WHAT you don't divorce. They don't know, none of us can truly know what will be best for you--you will know. Yes, you can fall, really fall in love again. There are still moments of euphoria I'm not saying it is gone--just that it isn't constantly in that place, it isn't an emotion that can be sustained but man it feels good to look across a room of family and whining nieces and nephews and catch his eye and have my heart do that little jump again. It's wonderful to be cleaning up a mess of barf and to look at each other worn out and tired in the middle of the night and bust up laughing at how grouchy we are both being--it's great to have a fight and not feel like "great is this the one that ends the marriage?" but to just know we are disagreeing and we will cool down and come back and talk about it and be okay. I didn't tell my husband what I was doing, I just started doing things...my project and I've ended up in a good place in my marriage. I hope for the best for you--as you can see by your responses you are not alone...an army of mom's behind you you know? it feels good to connect. I guess that is why I come on here, and for me it helps I don't know anyone really personally either because I share things I probably wouldn't otherwise--hehe. It's good to know we aren't alone.
Hang in there--and come back as often as you need for the friendship and support--the ladies around here are awesome...IMO.

I'm sure you'll get lots of response to this. I am a SAHM of nine children. When we were first married, I struggled a lot. It took me many years to understand some things, but now we are blissfully married and he is truly my best friend. For me the key was just making a decision and never looking back. Instead of dreaming of "escape" plans, I would imagine us in a better relationship. I drew a line, so to speak, and decided never to cross it. I made rules for myself. I decided that I would never speak negatively about him, EVER, even to myself. I made a special point of praising him to others in front of him, or not. I went out of my way to rekindle romance. (notes and cards, surprises at work, phone calls, dates, etc.) When we didn't agree about something, I would arrange for a time without kids (after they were in bed or on dates) when we could discuss it level headed with no interruptions. I would always be kind and express myself very carefully. I tried hard to be available sexually, even if I wasn't feeling it, so he could know that I was 100% committed to him in the way he needed. Basically I just totally invested in our marriage relationship and didn't entertain the idea of old boyfriends or what it could have been with someone else, etc. I just looked for the best that he/we had going and I tried to foster that. Seventeen years later, we have moved crossed country (both coasts) twice and have been through A LOT, but we couldn't be happier or more in love: physically, emotionally, spiritually. If it is something you truly desire (not just for your kids, but for you), then you CAN make it happen. But you do need to acknowledge your own part in it and get to work. It takes a lot of self-sacrifice and faith, but in the end you will be rewarded. You are a lucky lady to have a man as great as he is already. Good luck to you!

All I can suggest is you dig deep in yourself and think hard if he has changed. I mean all the things you are feeling negative about, was he this way always? What changed? Maybe hormones (which I hate as a woman to blame things on but it is a reality).
Have you changed or has he? What was it that made you fall in love with him?
You sound angry, you first need to figure out what that anger comes from? Did you have a fullfilling job prior to having your daughter? Did that seem to help you feel more complete?
I am divorced, it is a hard road. I was very unhappy but for bigger and deeper reasons then you are. I did what I could to salvage my marriage, begged, pleaded, wrote letters, asked for counselling and tried my hardest. I was verbally abused and lived with a very negative and angry man. It was not a healthy situation for my children or myself and I got out.
I am a big believer you don't stay in a marriage if you are unhappy, that the kids pick up on that, you are their example of a healthy well rounded relationship and in order to be a good parent you have to be happy. But it is why you are unhappy. Could it be depression? Could it be you feel bored and alone all day with your daughter? If those are reasons that are possibilities, please visit curing those instead of ditching the marriage.
On the flip it is a hard road going through a divorce because he is on your nerves. Is he unhappy? I find it hard to believe he won't sit down and listen to how you feel.
I have no answers for you other then to look at you, not him.
Figure out where these feelings came from. They didn't just pop up overnight. I would sit him down and if he doesn't talk fine, but you tell him truly what is going on inside of you. I say go to counselling, a second honeymoon and do whatever you can to reconnect.
Everyone has bumps, especially after kids come along, but don't dismiss you could be going through something personally you don't realize and putting it on him. It sounds like it is too vague of all of a sudden you aren't happy and want out.
You owe it to your daughter to really work hard, fight for what you once had.

K.,

I'm no psychologist, but I have been very happily married (still on my honeymoon) for 38 years. It seems to me that if you will treat your husband like he is still the love of your life - pretend you are still on your honeymoon - he will respond in kind and you will recapture those special feelings. Tell him everyday how wonderful he is. Thank him for his hard work and providing for you and your daughter so well that you are able to stay home and be her SAHM. Be the best wife you can possibly be and he will be the best husband.

Good luck!
E.

I'd like to recommend the book "The Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman. Nobody likes their husbands every minute of everyday and some days are worse than others. But, you CAN choose to love your husband everyday. That "in-love" feeling doesn't usually exist beyond the first two years. After that, love (real grown-up mature love) is not so much a feeling as it is a choice you make every day.

So he's good looking enough to want to have another child with him...thats something! At least he's cute. Now, does he have any qualities you DO like, besides he's cute? Does he make you laugh, not at him, with him. What else does he do for you.

My thought is you need to spend waaaaay more time putting him together rather than picking him apart. Think about the good things he does for you, the qualities you like the most, etc. The three year point in a marriage is tough. Its where you realize this is forever and you know way more about your spouse than you ever thought possible. If you make a concerted effort to see him in a good light, the bad qualities will start to fade. Not go away, but surely fade more from view.

BTW, there is nothing wrong with you at all, nor him I suspect. Try and find the good in your relationship.

I have read some of the responses and surprised that some are so harsh. It is obvious you are having a rough time and I would hope that we women could be understanding and non judgemental in offering advice and support. I think that at certain times in life everyone gets frustrated with their spouse. THis is very normal. Children can add additional stress to a relationship along with everything else that is going on in the world today! You probably are not going to always have those butterfly feelings of love and passion for your husband. The truth is the longer you are together the less often you will probably have those type of feelings. Love changes and grows in different ways. I have been married for seven years and together with my husband for 14 years. There have been times in our relationship when I have felt like leaving, but I have stuck with it knowing that it is a phase and had more to do with life stresses than him. Maybe I did not know that at the time, but I eventually realize this. There have also been times when we are totally and completely in sync. It changes and things go up and down. I would highly reccomend that you seek counceling. It may be a good idea to go by yourself first to work out exactly what it is you are feeling and then make the decision if you want to seek couples therapy. Give you, your husband and your marriage a chance first before walking out. IF you do not you will always wonder and there will always be that "what if." Good luck and know that there are other women out there that understand and support you. Best wishes!

The best thing to do is to remember why you fell in love with him. You've been there before and you can be there again. It's up to you. It will take some effort and positive thinking. Focus on him and being the best wife you can. As you serve and make him happy you will find it makes you happy also. If you think he used to be good enough to be the father of your children, you can think it again. It's about making a home where your daughter and your husband want to be. As long as you are plotting your escape you will be miserable. When you become a wife and mother it's not about you anymore. The magical thing is that as you focus on your family and become the best you can be everything starts to get better. Almost every marriage has it's down times (I know from experience after being married 32 years...) but none of the reasons you give are reason enough to destroy a family. Leaving will only create bigger and harder problems. You can do it but only if you want to bad enough. Good luck!

I think it would be a really bad idea to have another child if you are unhappy in your relationship - that is not fair to that child. If you ignore the things in your relationship that bother you, they will only get worse. I think that you should maybe see a counselor. Or if nothing else, consider going to a marriage conference. My husband and I went to a Family Life "Weekend to Remember" Marriage seminar - it was awesome. I have friends that went too and they said that conference saved their marriage! It is a Christian conference - I don't know if you are Christians or not, but MANY non-Christians go too. It's not the kind of thing where religion is thrown in your face. They do talk about God and about his intentions when he created marriage. This could honestly make you fall in love all over again! Please check it out! http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3204637/

Your feelings are totally normal, and I'd be willing to bet if you asked 100 women, well over half would say they've had a similar "rough spot" in their marriage. It usually comes (as in your situation) after the babies start arriving. We get so caught up in nurturing the kids that we start to neglect ourselves and each other. We're tired all the time, so we are grouchier and more nit-picky about negative things. We feel like we're giving 150% and feel like our spouse is giving nothing. We begin to resent everything and get annoyed by everything. It's very natural but you must not give up!

My husband's family has a genetic strain of Lou Gehrig's Disease that is so strong, my husband has a 50% chance of dying from this awful disease in his 30's or 40's. I'm not so proud to admit I once had similar feelings as yours about "plotting my escape." I used to dream and fantasize about him getting the disease and dying. Then I wouldn't have to go through a divorce, but I'd be free from everything I resented. Then I'd feel guilty for thinking such things, and down would go my self esteem.

I went to a therapist for awhile, and she helped me find ways to nurture myself and my marriage. You absolutely HAVE to put the marriage first! I know it sounds mean to the babies, but they're not going to die if you leave them with Grandma or a trusted friend once a week and go out on a date with your husband. Or put the baby to bed and watch a movie together, cuddling on the couch. Or find a household project or hobby you can do together--anything to spend more time with each other. Your family dynamics have changed, and your marriage has to change with it. You often have to learn to love each other all over again. The time you spend with your spouse alone will be a huge investment in the happiness of your children as they grow up.

I am also happy to say that it gets easier over time. We like to say we're in a happy lull with childrearing. Our oldest is 13 (so not too much teenager angst just yet,) and our youngest is 6 (so no babies to be constantly caring for.) The kids are fairly independent and old enough to do a lot more things with. It's a really easy and fun time, and the hurdles that my husband and I have made it over have made our relationship so much better at this point.

Please hang in there! Don't wish your marriage away. Just muster up all the patience you can find, and also give yourself some introspection on the things you might be irritating your husband with. I was so shocked way back then, when MY HUSBAND suggested therapy, because so many things were bugging HIM! Try to find ways of GENTLY bringing up your concerns with your husband--NOT in the middle of an argument! If necessary (and if he's willing), find a family therapist who will help you through it.

Best wishes for your happy marriage,
J.

K.

I had a dear friend who was married less than 3 months and realized that this man didn't get her and she was always irritated by him. In her determination to honor her marriage vows she knew she needed something to help her through this. She started a journal (which she kept hidden from her hubby) and wrote down every little thing that her husband did that was positive. At first she had a really difficult time writing anything down, but after awhile things seemed to be more clear. On the moments or days that it seemed like she couldn't stand the man she would open up that journal and read what things he had done for her and their life together. Five years later she loves her husband with a new and wonderful love, different than the way she felt on their wedding day, but definitely better.

Sometimes we need a little laughter in our lives. My hubby and I when there seems to be some distance between us, we play games - yes, games - board or card games. We always have fun and feel closer in the end. Find something you did before these feelings started that was special and do it again.

Marriage and family is tough sometimes. I am sure there are moments (if not yet there will be) when you cannot stand that beautiful daughter, but you love her and stick withit. The same is with your hubby. Just stick with it and love him. Show your daughter how a woman is to love her man! It seems to be lost on our generation.

You will make it. Get rid of the ideas of leaving him. It isn't a happy solution either. Divorce is ugly.

I have been with my husband for 13+ years. I will tell you there are times when I "plot my escape" and feel there is no way I can stand it longer. But then it passes. I fall back in love with him all over again. You said he has good qualities... focus on those. If you want (deep in you core) to save your marriage, then you must try. Focus on the good, remind yourself of the things you first fell in love with. If you start thinking of the "bad" change your thoughts to the good.

Seek counseling or help to deal with the issues like the passive agressive, imaturity etc. Give your family a fair chance... so your daughter has honest answers later.

good luck

Have you talked with your husband? Do you know how he feels? Having a young child can wreak havoc on a marriage and it takes great effort to keep a marriage strong. Have you considered counseling? Also, try to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. Start a "thankful journal" and everyday write down three things you love about him. Take a trip, just the two of you and get reacquainted. Don't expect marriage to be all lovey dovey honeymoon all the time. A lot of the time it involves a lot of tolerance. Make time to be a couple and go on weekly dates.
Happy marriages are not easy, take great effort, but are so worth it!
Good luck to you!

Wow - lots of responses. Don't know if I'm echoing other's advice but here's my thoughts.

First off, your feelings are very normal. You've gotten past that exciting honeymoon stage and you've added a little one to the mix. That's very stressful on a marriage too. Many many women have found themselves where you are and gone on to make it a happy marriage! (I was in the opposite situation 4 years and 1 kid in - he thought he was out of love - but we stuck with it and 9 more years have found us very happy and very much in love.)

Next, realize that you can't change him. What you can change is you. If he can't talk about things that interest you, talk about what interests him. Share your joys, too, but don't expect him to contribute at first (maybe he feels inadequate when you discuss things that he doesn't "get"). If his actions in public cause embarassment, remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." You get to choose how you feel. It obviously bothers you - that's normal!! Talk to him (in private) and let him know **specifically** what you were embarrassed about and why.
Think about what you like about him. Remember why you fell in love with him at first. Every day, list for yourself what is good about him (you already said he doesn't yell, and that he is willing to work to support you staying home with your daughter). If you have to right it down so you can read it to yourself, then do it. Tell him "I love you" every chance you get (even if you don't feel it 100%) - it does good for you to say it.
I think it all comes down to this: where you put your energy is what grows. If you constantly think of what buggs you about him, that's all you will see and you won't be able to bring this around. If you think often of what's good about him (and it will have to be a conscious effort at first) that's what will stand out and you will be able to resurrect this marriage and find yourself truly and deeply loving him, more than that exciting "in-love" feeling when you first got together. I know - from experience - that it's possible. One day you'll look back at this time and realize it was a learning experience but you'll also feel very fortunate that you have a wonderful loving caring husband! You can do it!

First let me say that you picked the guy, married him and chose HIM to be the father of your child. You are only 3 yrs. into this and you are already wanting out, WHAT? Do you really think it's fair to your husband quit on your marriage just because you don't like a couple of things he does? There are probably a few things about you that your husband isn't thrilled with, but he probably doesn't turn it into something that he thinks he needs to leave you over. I have said this before, but I don't think people really get it...you have a child, and you need to hang in there for her security for at least 16.5 more years. That doesn't mean to just stay married for her. It doesn't mean to walk around the house for the next 16 years feeling and thinking the same way you do today. What it means is that you stay married, and actually work on the marriage so that your daughter can grow up in a happy, loving environment with her Mom and Dad. You don't just get to give up when she starts school. What the heck kind of thinking is that? So, the working on your marriage thing...change how you behave toward him. Start by doing sweet, cute things for him. If you make his lunch before he goes to work, leave a sweet note in it for him to read. Even if you don't feel exactly like what you write, the action comes first, then eventually the feeling of loving him instead of being disgusted by him will kick in. When he is near you, rub his back gently for a second, or brush up against his arm. Physical touch is really important. When you start to think negatively about him, push that thought out with something positive about him. Think about how great he is in bed, or how cute he is when he is playing with your daughter. Treat him like you love him with your last breath. It might be hard at first, especially since you seem so put off by him. Also, you mentioned that he doesn't talk with you about your interests. You didn't marry a girl! Men don't generally do that. Have you sat and listened or talked with him about his interests? My husband is an Electronics Engineer, and most of the stuff he talks about goes way over my head, but I sit and listen because I am his wife, and he wants to talk about what interests him. I really try to get what he's saying, but most of the time it goes in one ear and out the other. I know he does the same thing when I am talking to him about something he really cares nothing about. But, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that we are here for each other when we need to bend an ear. The point is, it doesn't sound like he isn't doing anything abusive, immoral or illegal, so you really have no justification for ripping apart your daughter's family and home. That would be totally selfish and wrong. I really suggest you pick up a copy of "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." It will help you understand your man, and will guide you through making your marriage work. Every marriage has stuff like this along the way. For example, it drives me nuts when my husband leaves his dirty socks 3 inches from the hamper, but instead of letting that eat at me all day and lashing out at him when he walks through the door, I smile and say to myself, "if those socks weren't there, my husband wouldn't be here, and my life and our kids' lives would really be empty without him." Try a little humor instead of anger. After you read the above mentioned book, read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage." You really need an attitude change. Oh, if you really can't stand the guy, please don't have any more children with him. You are already contemplating wrecking one child's life, it would be REALLY REALLY irresponsible to do that to 2 children. Marriage is about what you can do today to make your spouse happy and want to come home to you at the end of the day. It's about what you can give, not what you want to get. You have to put forth the effort to be a sweet, loving wife if you want to have a happy marriage. You can't expect him to change who he is. You have to love him for who he is. I bet he loves you for who you are, warts and all.

Read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. Basically, you can't change him...you can only change yourself.

Can you picture your life without him and your time with your daughter split in half due to 50-50 custody? I think every relationship goes through this and I think that people do fall out of love with eachother and those who still love eacother the love changes. The honeymoon period is great although it is temporary or our grandparents would still be groping eachother in public which would be kinda gross. I love my husband now more than I did when we started although I don't show it. My sex drive has dropped dramatically and we don't talk as much. Kids have a huge toll on relationships and I think that if you can make it through these hard years it will get better. I also believe that husbands and wives turn into better friends as they get older instead of lovers. My husband also acts weird in public especially around his old high school buddies, that little phrase ' behind every man is a woman rolling her eyes' totally holds true in those cases. I look at the big picture of him being such a great dad who my kids adore, never speaks down to me or makes me feel bad about myself. In all my conversations with people about their spouses we all have the same issues, I just think that maybe if I left him the next guy could carry over the traits I don't like and can be abusive in one way or another, not treat the kids right and that is not a risk I am willing to take. Plus spending all that time away from my kids is a depressing thought.

I don't have much of a suggestion but I am here to agree with you that I just wanna say "blah" when it comes to all those women who praise there husband because they are "the love of my life" or "a wonderful supportive husband". Nobody says there are married to be biggest jerk in the world. I have a friend that us to tell us that she was "sooooo in love with her husband" last year she got a divorce and admitted that she was trying to convince herself that she was in love with her husband.
Anyways, does your husband know you feel this way? Have you thought about taking a class together? Book reading class or something that you can have conversations about, maybe that will make you feel like you have more in common and re-spark that love you once felt. Good luck.

wow. K.. you're being selfish! pardon me for being so blunt, but it's true. why else would you have lost sight of why you married this man in the first place? why else would you have given up on a relationship that should be the most stable thing in your life, and your daughters!? Grow up. Make a list of reasons you married him. Make a list of things that you find helpful, kind, indearing, about your husband. Realize that you aren't the only one in this situation. This situation is how ANY divorce starts. Neglecting your marriage and not continually striving to give 110% to make that other person the happiest person in the world is the reason people get divorced. You are being lazy. once you decide that you want to get off your butt and make the marriage work have a frank discussion with your husband about it. see if he feels the same way. You can "fall in love" again but it has to be the right way-not physically, but on a higher "I want him for who he is" type of love. and don't bring another child into this relationship if you're planning on bailing. Use your brain.

K.--

I think this is past trouble, you are miserable, I can read the heartache and I suspect he is not as clueless as you think to your attitude toward him, making him miserable as well. Take it from one who's been there, don't think this will go away or get better if you just endure. Seek some counseling--not your best girlfriend:) Sit your hubby down and TALK to him about how YOU are feeling--words like depressed, not connected, somethings wrong or off with us,not communicating well. I WOULD NOT suggest having this discussion while irritated, or stressed out. It's going to damage things beyond what they are to unload on him about how he is embarrasing, unattractive, immature, passive aggresive, whatever might be throbbing in your brain right now. Then, whether HE goes to couseling or not--YOU go. Please don't misunderstand, I am NOT saying this is YOUR fault, but YOU can't take much more of the same, am I right? Testimony from my own life, can I respectfully suggest good Godly counsel when you seek?--start with the pastor of your church or any church, really or lots of great, qualified counselor base their practice on Christian beliefs--Your hearts made the promise before God, He WILL help you heal!!

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, and I believe it is normal. Some say it's the 7th year that is the hardest, some say it's the 5th, and for us it was the 6th year. For me I get tired, and then see everything around me that I think is not fair, and how I think he does nothing. I used to watch Everybody Loves Raymond and think that was completely my life! Anyway, once I started finding the good in my husband again and quit complaining to him all the time about stuff, I found that our relationship grew deeper. We didn't get back to that butterfly in your stomach honeymoon stage, I don't believe you do, but there is a deeper more understanding love that you feel. Like if something ever happened to him you wouldn't be able to go on.

Oh K., have I been there.

We're a little more than a week away from our 16th anniversary, but we've been a couple for almost 20 years.

The decision regarding phase vs. real trouble is yours. Obviously there were things that you saw in your husband, right? The thing is that people believe heart and soul that love is a feeling. Sometimes it's a day by day, moment by moment choice. I know, it sounds terrible when said that way, huh? But, it's the truth.

We went thru a long time where basically, we were roommates. We didn't even really talk - we happened to live at the same address. And I can not begin to say how frustrating that was. But, I knew from the second that I accepted his proposal that divorce was NOT an option I was willing to consider. So, then comes the choice - do you love him where he is and make an effort or toss in the towel?

I went to counseling alone because he wouldn't come. I worked on being the wife he needs. And by trying to be what he needed, things changed. Sounds silly, huh? And I want you to know that I totally resented it that I was trying to change when he was doing nothing. But things DID get better, and here we are several years later.

As for coping tips?? I don't know how religious you are, but man did I pray. That was what helped me.

I realize daily (sometimes with surprise) how much I love my hubby. But there are still days where I have to work on being positive and loving him. The work never goes away, sorry.

Seriously, go thru couples counseling. It was the best thing my husband and I ever did. Don't just "live with it" you will be miserable and it affect your kids. Find a good counselor and go yourself, but then make him come with you. Insist on it. Talk to a pastor at church if counseling is not really something you can afford. But I would give up something in order to pay for it because trust me it's so worth it.

K.,
I really should not respond. I do have a great marriage going on year 3 with second child on the way. However, my husband is not as enamored with our marriage as I am. I am not a good pregnant woman and raising toddlers is hard!!! However, we are committed and that is the only thing that keeps us sane some times.

The reason I am responding is because one of your statements really ticked me off. --"ok, we will have another baby, then add 4 years till he/she goes to kindergarten--then I'll call it quits..." Seriously? You would consider bringing a child into this world knowing you would leave its father? Sounds to me like the problem here is your selfishness! Get some grown up girl pants on, and get a counselor if not for the both of you, certainly for you. My WONDERFUL husband finally made me see a counselor, which I am eternally grateful. I am sure it was not easy for him to do, but he loved me enough to push me. I loved him enough to get the help our family needed.

So, if you are unwilling to take the steps of hard work that it takes to have a great marriage then I say invest in good birth control and walk away.

P.S. The reason I needed counseling is because my very selfish parents have been divorced 5 times each.

I echo Jessica B's advice. Go to your library and check out The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger. I heard about this book on another post here a few weeks ago. I've been married almost 8 years and things have gotten boring. Once I started doing just a couple of things the book mentions, things are starting to change! I am now reading her other book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. Good luck!

Wow, I feel for you! I think this can be normal! Like you said, you are so focused on the negative and it is hard to be with someone all the time! My husband gets on my nerves sometimes too, we went on a family vacation and at the end I wanted to scream! Try to focus on the good qualities, like being a loving father( your child's father no less), being a good provider( who enables you to stay home, a priveledge today), and his love for you! Maybe you are a little lonely and bored which can happen when your life consists of taking care of a baby and your home all day! I read some of Dr.Dobson's books and I remember him talking about how important it is for women to have other women friends because women need to talk and commiserate. And I agree, the whole wonderful husband best friend analagy is annoying, no human relationship can be so perfect because we are human and we are all flawed! As far as "falling in love" that ship has sailed, relationships change over time and that feeling never lasts, for anyone. But building a real love based on trust, mutual respect and forgiveness will last. Just really imagine what it would be like with out him, single mother, sad kids, broken family. Try to focus on why you fell in love in the first place, and also have sex and remember what that is like too. Good luck to you.

K., I remember feeling that exact same way. I just felt frustrated that my husband and I seemed so different from each other. It was as if we had nothing in common and I wondered what had happened since we had met and fell in love. Little did I know that nothing had changed betwwen us, but I was just so overwhelmed with caring for my baby and my husband that I felt like there was no one taking care of me. So then everything that my husband did just seemed to push my buttons until I would just blow. And he would try to help more and then that just bugged me more. And I also found that we had a lot of differences. And so that is when I made it a point to meet some girls my age who I could get together with and have "girls night out" a time that I felt understood and I could be a girl and not feel like a slave to my baby and husband. I know with my husband he never ment to make me feel that way, but I think I brought it on myself. I had so many exspectations and I felt that there were certain areas that I had to measure up to, so I realized that I had to let it go and love myself first so that I could have a good relationship with others. And now I am happy to say that our marriage is probably the best it has ever been. I love my husband so much and I realize that we are very different and that he doesn't deal with things the same way I do, but I have realized that that is what makes it so perfect because it makes us whole. I feel that in areas where I lack he is strong and areas that he lacks I am strong. I wish you all the luck in your hard situation.

The following is a discription of a new movie. It is also a conference that some of the churches are holding for married couples. I know they have the kits at Peace With Christ Luteran Church on Tower and Floyd in Aurora. They are $20. You might see if you can pick one up and see if can help you.

Ask him out on a date this weekend for dinner and a movie if the following interests you.
____________________________

A heroic fireman locked in a failing marriage accepts his father's challenge to take part in a 40-day experiment designed to teach both husband and wife the true meaning of commitment in this faith-based marriage drama starring Kirk Cameron and Erin Bethea. When he's battling blazes, Capt. Caleb Holt (Cameron) adheres to the old firefighter's adage about never leaving your partner behind; back at home, it's an altogether different story. Caleb and his wife Catherine (Bethea) have been married for seven years, but lately arguments over career, housework, finances, and outside interests have driven the once-happy couple hopelessly apart. Just as Caleb and Catherine prepare to officially dissolve their marriage, Caleb's father John (Harris Malcolm) presents his son with a most unusual challenge: commit to a 40-day experiment called "The Love Dare," and take one last shot at saving his marriage. While at first Caleb agrees to take a chance on "The Love Dare," the discovery that it's closely tied in with his parent's newfound faith causes him to momentarily reconsider. Still, Caleb carries on with the experiment despite being constantly rejected by his skeptical, embittered wife. When Caleb asks his father how he can be expected to love someone who refuses to give him a fair chance, John tells his son that this is precisely the same love that God shows for humankind. Now, with a little help from above, the man who makes headlines for saving lives will fight to be a hero to the one person who matters most -- his wife. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide
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Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.

When I look for things wrong with other people I forget to examine my role in the relationship.

If I am disturbed by what I perceive as someone else's defects, especially my husband's, it's usually because my own defects are bothering me. If I constantly criticize another I am probably trying to keep other people from seeing my shortcomings.

He must have redeeming values, character assets, otherwise why marry him?
Focus on yourself, what you can do. Suggestion: Start by listing all the positive things about your man, keep it somewhere that you will see it often.
Think negative and negative things will happen. So think positive!

K., I think that every wife goes through phases where she just doesn't like her husband. And a 19 month old is going to keep you so busy that there is little time to work on your marriage.
My advice for you is to pray. Ask God to restore your marriage, to make you fall back in love with your hubby. Then, when you are out with yor girlfriends talk about your husband like he's the most wonderful man in the word. Don't complain about him. Especially in front of your daughter. I once heard a pastor say, "If you want to have the perfect mate, be the perfect mate".
I'll be praying for your marriage too.

Have you tried any counseling? I wasn't going to answer because I have never been in your place but your last sentence struck me ".. should I learn to live with it, what are some coping tips?".. absolutely not. Either try to fix it or walk away before it does irreperable (sp?) harm to your relationship, to your daughter. Staying in a miserable marriage will NOT help your children. It's better to figure out how you and your husband can be the best parents and being happy is important to that. My mom and dad divorced when I was 3 or something. They get along just fine now. Children can sense when things aren't good and while of course everyone wants to have mommy and daddy living together but if it truly cannot work and you've tried it all.. do yourself a favor and your child; everyone will be healthier for it if you can find a place to be happy with yourself and your husband -- even if it's not marriage.

Best of luck

Dear K.,

I have been with my husband for 26 years of marriage plus 1 year of dating. We have not always been best friends and madly in love. Even three weeks ago we had a huge battle that threatened our marriage. But through the years we have always agreed that we choose to stay together.

There are two books that I highly recommend and am even giving as wedding gifts now. The first one is "The 5 Love Languages" by Dr Gary Chapman, this one has helped us to love each other in the way our partner needs to receive love. For example my husband's love language is quality time, mine is physical touch. After being together this long we have the quality time down but the physical touch has wained a bit. :) He is more alert to it now and it has greatly improved.

The Second book is "Love & Respect, The love She Desires and the Respect He Needs. I read this one about 3 or 4 years ago I was not feeling loved and was not wanting to love him. It was a struggle to start showing him respect again but as I found little things to respect him for and tell him, then he started to show me more love.

Please work on the relationship before you add the strain of another child. As much of a blessing as kids are they are not the answer to your problem.

Do not live by your emotions, you can control them instead of them controlling you.

Best wishes,

J.

K.,

You have had wonderful responses! all of which I agree... I am a twice married mom to two beautiful kids (one from each marriage). I do sometimes.. actually often feel bad that my first husband and I did not work out and wonder where would we be now (but he had much bigger issues that had to be dealt with). However, I am going through very similar thoughts as you with my current husband but always push those thoughts away because I know now that I am older and wiser and have come to realize that it is work. And like another gal said that love is a choice you make every day. Men and Women are so different and have such opposite needs most of the time. It will take work on both parts to learn to reap the beautiful rewards of a having complete family and learning to love and enjoy eachother through the process. I think us women become very stingy when we think of what is not there... We need to try harder to love what is there and work to find the rest. As we become first time parents, it is a life changing experience that suddenly puts our spouses on the lower end of the totem pole... I now realize that I am a first time parent for every new stage that we go through with our toddlers, elementary aged kids, teenagers.... My husband ad I have never dealt with a toddler together, let alone a soon to be driver... What I am saying is that it is all a strain on any marriage and we just need to sit back and enjoy the ride and make the best choices that we can for our families. If he is honest, faithfull, and provides than try a little harder to trudge through, it will get better if you open your mind just a bit :)

Girl, we all of negative thoughts sometime or another. I would look at it as a phase, but with much work from both ends needs to be done. It doesn't seem you and your husband communicate very well. My husband and I have been married for 9 years now, had our first baby in college (surprise of course) those years were very hard! Now that I look back it was miserable! But we both saw eachother through it, we made a promise to eachother/God for better or worse, through sickness & in health. I wouldn't say our marriage is perfect, but as perfect as it gets for sure. We just started a Love & Respect communication course http://www.loveandrespect.com/ you should look into it, it's great, he really explains what happens when a man and a woman completely misunderstand eachother!!! We are in about week 3-4 now, it's amazing the different things we say mean different things to Men and vise versa. His main thing is talking about the cycle of Love & Respect. When we do something to make them mad Men view it as not respecting them, and they act out in an unloving way... which we see ..."He doesn't love me" and the cycle goes on and on. What's nice about his teachings, you can get on DVD, which my husband was much more open to that then a book you open. And of course if you are a Christian... pray about it and ask God for guidance.
D.

Hey, been there. we are now on 8 years. but I would guess about three or four was a slump as well as 7. There is an ebb and flow to a marriage. Ours isn't great, but it is doable. He at least tries now. My man is 7 years older then me. that makes a little bit of a difference. Anyway, starting to ramble now. I guess I can only say, do your own thing for a while. I found it really hard about 18 months after each birth. the baby is getting more independent and so your "job' is less and there is two years of time that you have be this weird girl he doesn't even know. Now, you are starting to have room in your brain for things like...sex. so take a break all together for yourself to find out who you have become. My hubby said I hadn't changed (we talked about it after the secind child was about 18 months). but, I felt I changed a lot with both. so dont expect him to see your changes. Go to your paent's for a two week vacation...let him miss you, whatever. I call it rebooting. A man can reboot easily but they do like to go back to where you just where. a woman holds grudges but is willing to see a new growth. so give him room to notice and just work on yourself. hopefully, he will come around within 6 months and you find interest in him again. and at that time, plan a couple activity without baby and as a family. like no electronic sunday evenings??? good luck.

You are allowed to be unhappy with your marraige to the point that you don't want to be in it anymore. It does not help children in anyway to stay in an unhappy marraige. All this does is teach your children to marry someone that they are not completely happy with. Kids are much smarter than most people give them credit for.
I, too, had a husband who was a good man in most respects but the fact was I was not in love with him and no matter how often or long I tried to force myself to just live with it nothing made a difference. To take your thoughts one step further, I even found myself fantasizing about him dying first so that I could find true love one day. I finally came to my senses and realized that the situation was not healthy for anyone involved, me, him, or our daughter. I got a divorce.
I am now happily married to the love of my life who I am completely attracted to (big problem in my first marraige) and who both myself and my daughter have so much fun with. I am still friends with my ex although that did take time. We always presented to our daughter that we were getting along even when we weren't and her father is still an active parent in her life. My ex and my husband even get along really well.
I did not enter into my decision lightly. It doesn't sound to me as if you are either but I would strongly caution you to examine your relationship closely before deciding. If you have already made that decision and just want someone to say its ok then "It's ok". No one else's opinion will change your feelings if they are the real thing.

How can any of us love our husbands 100% of the time? I don't know if it's possible. I go back and forth between being madly in love to completely annoyed and even repulsed at times but I can honestly say that we have a fantastic marriage. My parents have been married for 32 years and I have had these conversations with my mother, it is normal! What's not normal is going through life married to one person without any conflict at all. That said, if you don't find a way to come out of it you will be in trouble. My recommendation is that you do everything you can to get back into feeling love; counseling, read books, TALK to him about what you need, focus on the good instead of constantly tearing him down in your mind.

My husband and I both listened to "Why Mars and Venus Collide" and it was very helpful for us to recognize our differences and the things we do to each other. Notice I said we "listened" to it, getting my husband to read something would never happen but audio books changed our life : )

In addition to all of this being a mother is exhausting and I sometimes feel like all my love goes to the children and there is nothing left for my husband. I definitely recommend getting out together, the car can be a great place to talk, neither of you can get away, it's less confrontational because you are facing forward and you have the slight distraction of the scenery to ease the mood. Try going for a nice scenic drive as an opportunity for some time together.

Best of luck finding love,
M.

I was given this advice, Date your husband, ask him on a date, Pick him up and talk like you just meet him. We had a paper route so every day we would go and deliver together we were talking and it helped now we make it a point to go somewhere on a date even if it is just to the grocery store. Good luck

Obviously you've never had to deal with the emotional heartach devorce brings. It saddens me that you would purposefully bring another child into the world "planning" on leaving your husband, just when the child would be old enough to understand. My mom and dad devorced when I was very young. And as I got older I understood their decision and I feel that it was for the better. but when your 6 years old and daddy moves out of state and you dont see him again for 4 years, and then another 4 years after that. it tears at your soul! That hurt never leaves! I still to this day deal with some of those emotions. And you would willingly do that to your babies? What would you tell them when they ask "why isnt daddy here anymore?" would you say "I left him because he annoyed me" How do you justify that? I do have a great husband. no he's not perfect, yes he irritates me sometimes, but I love him, he loves our child, and he provides for us and works hard to give us the things we need. What more could you ask for? Just because that warm fuzzy "falling in love" feeling isnt there anymore doesnt mean that love doesnt exist. if you are going to break up your family in search for that "falling in love" feeling then I fear your just going to jump from relationship to relationship because that feeling only lasts so long. and your children will suffer for it.

I'm sorry for coming down so hard on you but honestly girl, think about what you would be doing to your family... to your children. If the worst thing your hubby does is embarass you in social situations, let him know it embarasses you. maybe he doesnt know? maybe have more a light heart about the situation and have fun with it instead of hating him for it. Men are typically immature, and when they do stupid things more often than not they are just trying to impress you. and they dont realize that they are acting like a fool. If he doesn't talk to you about things your interested in, maybe he feels the same, try to find a common interest hopfully the communication will flow better. its a give and take. not a take take take. and when he pushes your buttons, ask your self if it is really worth getting upset about. could you let it go? would you let it go? holding on to small annoyances will only make you miserable. if its something you can let go of you will feel better for it. If you truely feel like there is nothing left to your relationship and you truly do feel empty, ask your self "what did I do to try to enrich our relationship" If your just complaining about the lack of effort from your hubby, he probably doesnt think there is a problem there for he doesnt think he needs work. If anything else TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT! I also am a SAHM and I've had that empty lonely feeling. I came to realize I was just board. Find an activity that you really enjoy, get involved in your community. When you have a project to do and you are happy, there is less time to think about all the negitive, sometimes things arent as bad as our immagination leads us to believe. We are the lucky ones that get to stay home with our little ones, and our hubbys are to thank for that. Dont focus on all the things that bother you about your husband. Look at the good things. I wish you luck in trying to work threw your feelings. And I truly hope you dont just throw in the towel.

K.,

I have never responded or posted anything to this site before, but I saved yours to come back to because I found it so refreshing. I too have often laughed at the sicky-sweet descriptions everyone seems to give of their family on this site. I don't know if these other women really all do have the perfect husband and children, if they feel pressured to say they do, or what. I just wanted to say thanks for being genuine!

I haven't struggled with my marriage to the extent it sounds like you are going through, and the struggles we've had are quite different from the way you described yours. I wish I had better advice to give.

One thought that came to mind. A friend of mine once told me a proverb: "Choose thy love. Love thy choice." I think your case what that might mean is to do your best to remember why you fell in love with your husband, look for those traits in him, and make a conscious CHOICE to love him, despite his flaws. Again, I really don't know you're circumstances and what it is about him you are unhappy with. But I think too often we look at love as just an emotion, when I really feel it is a choice that we must put into action. Marriage is a commitment. You will ultimately have to choose whether to keep that commitment. And to LOVE your choice. So don't re-commit begrudgingly. Try to honestly be happy about the choice.

I've debated whether to say this. It's none of my business, but I'm concerned about your idea of having another baby and then calling it quits. If you honestly don't feel your marriage is going to make it, why would you want to have another child with this man? My opinion is that a child deserves a father, and to be born into a wholesome, happy family environment.

Hey K....

I had this exact same thing happen to me. I think part of it was the person I was with and part of it was me. I couldn't think of a single "reason" to leave but I was miserable. My partner was kind, honest, warm, but also lazy, uninteresting, and embarrassing. I had to leave. It wasn't fair to the other person...I was SO not in love. I think that's the point here. It's not fair to be with someone you can barely stand...not fair to you or him.

Don't have another baby girl! Wait until you find Mr. Right!

I have been married 28 years and sometimes you don't like eachother but you still love eachother if that makes sence.

Marriage is in stages. We change and grow and so does our mate. I think what you need is so good date time to find the qualties you first fell in love with. People, today, view marriage as if it doesn't work for me give up, but really look for the good in your husband. Children change your perspective on life. It sounds like you need to talk and learn to enjoy eachother without kids again.

Also, if need be try some counciling. People cna rub eachother the wrong way at times.
C. B

K.,

I went through a similar stage in my marriage, during that time I talked to my "adopted mom"/close friend who has been married for 40 years and had 8 kids. She just told me that for her, marriage wasn't always the fulfilling dream we all hope for, or even anything remotely pleasing, sometimes they were just there. She said that several times they went through periods year/s of just being married and not much more. This made me hopefull and a little sad.

My husband and I went into our marriage with an upfront undertanding that divorce was not an option, at least unless under extreem circumstances. With the advice I received I vowed that even in any slumps in our marriage that I would try to make sure that I did what I could do to make sure that it didn't last years or even longer than a few months if at all possible.

If you can really say to yourself with all honesty that you have given your all to work things out, counselling, healthy communication, etc. and you still feel this way then I would agree with another comment about not having another child and planning to leave when said child is K age. That is not healthy, hopefully just a crazy feeling/idea that you don't really intend to follow through with under the given circumstances.

These things are so emotionally exhuasting and stress can carry over to the physical for sure, if you can try to go to a hot springs or some type of spa/massage place, maybe even a quiet trip to the woods/cabin something to relax and get a clear head. Maybe even go with your husband alone and see what happens. Sometimes removing yourself from the situation and having time to 'get away from it all' reminds us that we will really miss it when it's not there.

I hope that you find the path that is right for you.

M.

K.
Hi I believe that we all struggle with our marriages in one way or another. Some more than others. But one thing to please remember is that marriage is not about just love. I don't always feel like loving my husband. Marriage is a give and take relationship and you have to CHOSE to love your spouse everyday. Don't throw in the towel maybe seek some kind of help or counseling. Maybe first for yourself. There are local churchs that offer free counseling. Shepherd of the hills, and cherry hills community do this. I actually called my self because after having my son I thought I was going crazy!! It helped me alot with the struggles I was having internally and projecting on to my husband. I hope that this helps some!! And please email me any time. I will be praying for you and your husband and your marriage!!! God bless K. N

If your husband and you really want to make the marriage work, I'd try counciling first. If he won't work at it then I would say it's a lost cause. I went through the same thing and stayed in a loveless relationship for seven years. I finally left.

You really should try talking it out with a mediater and find out just what's on his mind. I wasted seven years when I could have found happiness so much earlier.

It is hard to say what you should do since none of us are there and you have your own emotions to figure out. My question is to think about the things that originally made you "Fall in Love with him." I have talk to people that have been married for years and most would say that you don't simply fall in love but it is a culmination of little things and events that bring us to the point of love. Sometimes when kids enter the picture our focus changes and we let our relationship take a back seat to parenthood. Although parenthood is an important role the happiness of Mom and Dad's relationship builds confidence in the whole of the family. I am sure that you know this. I do not want to tell you what to do so I may offer 1 suggestion and that is to pick a day of the week that is for you and your husband to communicate outside the house even if it is just the porch. I am sure that he is unaware according to your discripiton that he is hurting you and would be mortified to find out that he is is. Take time to let him know how you feel when you aren't mad at him for something else. Also make sure that your actions are loving. You will not be able to love him if you are always acting in a nonloving way. I think that the honeymoon phase is a myth. You can always be in a so called honeymoon phase if both are working towards a happy relationship. If nothing works and the relationship is abusive than I would suggest counceling and go from there in what you feel is best. Good Luck. No one should have to stay in a "loveless" marriage. My last advice is to pray hard and ask Heavenly Father what he wants you to do. He knows our hearts and the hearts of those around us better than we do.

counseling is a really good idea. there might be a bigger issue that you haven't worked on that is making everything else seem huge. you'll be amazed at how much can heal, plus, if things don't get better, a counselor can help you with the tough decisions.

I wanted a way out. I wanted to give up. I wanted anything but what I had.

Then I read THE PEACEGIVER by James L. Ferrell.

IT CHANGED MY LIFE. It will change yours too.

These phases can absolutely be turned around. Usually they come from not nurturing the relationship along the way & one day the romance & flowery feelings are gone. But they absolutely can be brought back - no question. I agree that counseling can be a great thing. It takes a very astute counselor for it to do any good. I would suggest asking around (or even on this board) for good suggestions. If you get with someone who doesn't click or doesn't share your values, it can be a frustrating (and expensive) experience. But the right counselor can do magic. The truth is that I'm sure people can marry the "love of their life." But even they will not stay that way without some work & effort put into maintaining the relationship & particularly the romance. Another great resource is the book "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil. If you take it seriously, it can be a big help whether your relationship is in a tiny bit of trouble or a lot. It's most helpful if both of you read it & do the exercises together, but it can be helpful even if just one of you goes through it. There's a workbook that goes with the book that is also good. Good luck. Don't give up without doing the work - you'll regret it. And DO NOT bring another child into this if you are feeling this way - not fair to the child.

I recommend the book "7 things he'll never tell you, but you need to know" by Kevin Leman. I am reading it right now and it gives good insight as to what a man thinks and why he acts the way he does. I found that once I better understood my husbands needs and tried to meet them better he naturally met mine better. Also, "I promise" by Gary Smalley was an excellent book. I recommend them both. Good luck to you!

Sadly I know exactly how you feel!My husband is constantly doing things that just makes me want to walk out the door and find the "love of my life". Marriage is something that you have to work at constanly and there are going to be days were you are watching him sleep and wonder if you can get away with smacking him with a frying pan. Some people say counciling but if he doesn't think there is a problem, he is not going to go. (I would never be able to get my guy into counciling, and yes I hae asked him) What I have done is, remember some of the things that we used to do. The spontaneous things that we did. You could do things like find a sitter for the night without telling hubby. Have dinner ready for him. When he comes home meet him at the door with a sexy teddy on and a robe over the top. Do things that are just unexpected. Try to find new hobbies that the both of you like. One thing that I have done with my man is to do something he likes and then something I like. There have also been times we have taken seperate vacations and then we talk about what we did when we get back. It is very hard to get back to the honeymoon stage after having a kid. Work at it for a while and if you still feel the same then he was not the one for you. Hang in there and try to have somefun. Stephanie L.

Yes, I've gone through these phases...but I also have done something to help my marriage grow when those phases hit. First, I'd like to point out that you have a toddler. A toddler can test a marriage everyday. I know when I have a toddler, I'm much more easily bothered and impatient with adults in my life and my own reactions and behavior towards people can change if I do not pause often and ask myself, "What's going on with me?" This isn't to say, however, that marriage doesn't take two. My husband has also received help to change and learn as an individual. It's wild how by changing and working on ourselves as individuals, our marriage has grown and grown. We have our 3rd toddler in our lives now and it's so much better than when we had our 1st, but again that is because we both took action in our lives to move forward. My husband actually got started in his own individual work when I asked him to join me in getting help to ensure we would have a good marriage (which doesn't mean we are happy all the time or that we don't have phases, but we know how to deal). We began receiving help together and by that, we were able to fork off to ourselves. We then know how to come together and communicate pretty well with each other. We have learned so much that I can tell often when his mood or behavior is about what's going on with him (and vice versa) and that I don't need to take it personally. I once told my SIL who continues to be in a troubled and unhappy marriage (they've not done really anything to change that) that I believe the only people who stay married are the ones who didn't act upon divorce when the thought came up. I'll be honest, I've been where you are at...totally. I am nowhere near that today...and it's not because our marriage is perfect.

The thing that gets me through rough spots is believing love is a CHOICE not a feeling...feelings fade. If you are looking for fairytale love and romance that never goes through trials, it doesnt exist. Relationships grow strong by working THROUGH the bad stuff not avoiding it or looking for a way out. In my case, it was my husband that wanted out and I was stubborn enough to want to work it out...until we both wanted the same thing again. Talk through it with your husband...if you can, try counseling...they seem to know the questions to ask to stimulate conversation. (I highly recommend a Christian counselor, because they wont even suggest a way out) If you are looking for an "easy" way out...it doesn't exist. There is nothing EASY about ending a marraige and splitting up a family.

There is a great book that you guys could read together called "How can I get through to you." It's written by Terrance Real. It might be a good jumping off platform for you to talk to him about your feelings.

Marriage is like rollerskating. You have to keep both feet parralel. They may weave apart a little, but they have to stay close enough and going in the same direction. I liked Celest's advice. If it was worth doing in the first place it is worth trying to save. Remember that it is easier to change yourself and your attitude than it is to change another person. And make those deposits.

My husband and I have been married 23 years. Not all have been roses, In fact I mentioned the "D" word twice. But his attitude is affected more by his job. Men feel they have to support the family as their number one thing. He's not trying to be mean about it, just feels he's doing his part by supporting you. It's important to not just get your worth from him. Do your own things. Find joy for yourself and work at what you have together. When you do come back close together again it is definitely worth it! We now try to do something together at least once a week. It may be buying groceries or having lunch. We sometimes try to sneak away without kids. And we make a point of doing things for each other. And touching, like a kiss or a pat. The smallest thing can say you care. He will pick up on it. Those are "deposits" in your marriage Bank.
Blessings to you and your family.

I think we all have negative thoughts about our husbands from time to time. When they say "fantastic husband" or "happily married" that is how they feel at that time, but I am sure we all get annoyed with our hubby's behavior. I can relate to your husband's immature or obnoxious behavior, my hubby embarrasses me too! But my family loves him, he is always making everyone laugh. He is a very free spirited person and doesn't care about what people think. Anyway, back to you...
I haven't seen anyone recommend alone time for you! Maybe your just overwhelmed with being a SAHM and wife! Have your hubby watch your daughter and go out and have some alone time...go shopping, get nails done...whatever. You probably just feel annoyed with EVERYTHING and need to get out. Then try to work on your marraige. It is worth saving, you have a daughter together, and it sounds like he hasn't really done anything serious. He is just annoying you (TOTALLY NORMAL!) Take everyones advice and remember why you fell in love, focus on good qualities and not the bad. I am sure you annoy him too, no one is perfect. Tell him what is bothering you!!! COMMUNICATION is the key...
Grass isn't greener on the other side, if he isn't abusive or doesn't have any addictions and loves you then why leave?! You need to tell him what you want from him and I am sure he will do his best to make you happy. Do what makes you happy!

If you sincerely want to save your marriage and stay committed to the man you knew you wanted to have a family with [at one point], read "The Proper Feeding and Care of Husbands". It seriously changed my life and relationship. It's easy to get defensive while reading it but if you keep an open mind and take it's meaning to heart it might be the ticket to saving your sanity and your marriage :)

Sorry, but you should not be thinking about divorce just because there's a rough spot in your marriage--you signed up for the long haul and you need put in some effort at least for your kid(s)' sake. ALL marriages have times when one spouse or the other seems distant; time and TLC from both spouses is required to fix them, but it's an ongoing process, one that you'll need to work at all your life together. Does he even know you feel this way about him and are comtemplating leaving? Maybe that's the wake up call he needs, or try counseling, but don't give up becasue of this.

I like the suggestion that you try 'dating' again. This is one of the things (among many) that my brother's marriage counselor suggested to him and his wife. I would highly suggest a good couples counselor - someone that is experienced with couples - or if you don't think he'd go, start with a marriage counselor that is more experienced with one-sided counseling for you (vs both at the same time). Sometimes insurance will cover a few sessions.

Some good books I've read recently (I'm always reading):
-pretty much anything by Michelle-Weiner Davis
-7 languages of love (can't remember the author)

The latter is good, but in my experience both husband and wife need to read it, whereas Michelle's books focus on solution oriented 'therapy'.

I honeslty don't know what the solution is, because I can't relate (other than to some relationships during my dating years, and I didn't marry those guys). I do feel for you though! I will say that I do occasionally have those moments - usually in month/2 month long phases - where I think about leaving, but it's not because I don't love him, nor has it ever been - more out of frustration (household chores, raising the kids, etc). However, my brother is going through this same as you right now now - 4 years of marriage, 3 yr old little girl between them, doesn't love his wife anymore - and he is struggling. They have been going through some weekly counseling with a fabulous lady, and things are definitely improving. Not sure where it will end up.

DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER CHILD IF YOU AREN"T HAPPY IN YOUR MARRIAGE!!!!!!!! That is the most irresponsible thing you could do!! And it surely doesn't help the marriage. It's a horrible idea!!! So unfair to the child!
Your marriage can be absolutely be improved. Does he know how you feel? Are you acting like a fantastic wife? Are you doing your part?
A book I love is by John Gottman who is highly recommended in the professional psychology world. I have 2 brothers in law who are PhD Marriage Therapists who use & recommend this book regularly. The title is something about 7 principles for strengthening marriage.
Do EVERYTHING you can to save your marriage!!

K.,
If you go to a bible believing church, I would go speak to a counselor at your church... That has helped me and my husband.
Do you live in Billings? If so, we go to Faith Chapel and they have wonderful counselors.
S.

Did you used to have a friendship before your daughter was born? I am married to a wonderful man now for 16 years. I still feel like newly weds. The key for us has been that we go on a date night every week, even if it is just a scenic drive. Sometimes when we only had our oldest daughter, we would drop her off at a babysitters & just rented a movie and order a pizza and stayed home. The key is alone time together. The other thing is every quarter we get away together, just the two of us. Sometimes is just a night or two at a local hotel, but it gives us a chance to remember why we fell in love and got married. We usually end up talking about our children and what it is want in our lives. I think that if he really is unaware of how you feel and why you feel that way, you need to get a babysitter, book a room at a hotel and talk thing out, really talk without placing blame.

I to am a SAHM, and have 4 children. Their ages are almost 18, 14, 12 & almost 10. 2 girls & 2 boys. They are incredible kids.

I hope this helps. Feelings are up a down, sometimes I get frustrated, but if you stay connected with each other you will make it through.

love is a choice. everyone thinks it's this warm and fuzzy FEELING... it is not. if you want to love your husband, you need to decide that you love him and then center your actions and thoughts around that.
i smiled when i read your first paragraph because i too always get a chuckle at who can descibe their marriage as the best. (a little about me: i'm a girl;) )

So K., what do you think of all the responses? I am interested to hear what you think - lots of good and varying advice! I support the side that says "do whatever you can to save your marriage for your kid!" Divorce is SO hard on kids (mine are divorced and it crumbled my world til college and still causes havoc in our family 18 years later) I think attitude and controlling your thoughts are very important and you can very possibly change your feelings for him - like the girls said, you saw something in him at one point enough to marry him. What happens if you move on to the next guy and it fades again? You will be on an endless cycle (which is totally fine if you don't have kids...but you do)

"The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven out of hell, a hell out of Heaven"
-Milton

Please don't have another baby with this man if you are thinking of divorce. Think about how hard it would be on your child/ren. Our children come first. Do you really want them to grow up in a divorced family? I too have had thoughts of quitting, when things are rough, but they are just thoughts and the phase passes. I KNOW that I would never put my children through the heartache of divorce. Instead of thinking of yourself, think about what you would be doing to your child/ren. You are a stay at home mom too...so if you leave him you would put your kids in daycare? How is that better? How lucky are you that you get to stay at home with your daughter while he works??

I am sorry that you are having such a tough time in your marriage. Couples couseling can help you if you are really willing to put in the work and do your best every day, just going to a few couseling sessions will not magically make things better. Studies have shown that unless there is an abusive situation, children acctually do fare better in an intact home (where mom and dad are still married) rather than a home that has been divided by divorce. Because you chose to marry your husband and becasue you chose to have a child with him you are obligated to do everything that you can to make yours a happy home, happy for you as well as your child and husband. You should also consider the idea that perhaps you are suffering from depression or another mood disorder and that is coloring your perception of your husband. Ask yourself this, are you happy in all other aspects of your life besides your marriage? I'm guessing that you are not, and that you need to address your own needs in order to be well enough to address the needs of your family. Being a SAHM can be hard socially and emotionally, and perhaps you are relying on your husband for ALL of your socialization with other adults and he is just not able to provide all the social stimulation that you need. Get out and find a group of moms to start a play group with, or take a class thorugh a local college or community continuing education program, find something that stimulates your brain and makes you feel happy. Good luck and don't give up! Think of your marriage as a precious treasure that you must protect and keep, if you don't you will lose it and realize just how much it meant to you.

Some good advice that I heard once was look for the positive. If we dwell on the negative all the time thats what we will get out of the marriage. Everyday think of a list of good qualities in your husband and marriage. Sometimes we may just be going through the motions but the more we focus on the positive the less we have time to worry about the negatives. Also take time to do things for your husband, I know it seems like a lot of work but if we give a little each day, maybe he'll take notice and start giving back the things you need.

I for one think that marriages are worth working for, even though it is hard and sometimes that means giving up the knight in shining armor who is always perfect.

I hope you can find away to work things out and fall back in love.
Good luck

Hi K., first of all, ignore all the "married to the most wonderful man, the love of my life" stuff. I'm sure people are married to wonderful men but when I read this stuff it really turns me off. EVERYONE has issues and problems and so don't feel like everyone is living in wedded bliss. Don't judge your insides by other people's outsides.

Second, I go through phases where my husband drives me insane but not really to the extent you are talking about. What you describe sounds like me with my first husband. We had no children, thank God. He REALLY drove me nuts, it was a huge mistake to get married in the first place, and I was actually depressed I was so miserable. I recommend counseling. It didn't help for us but truly, we were so mismatched that nothing could have helped. It sounds like you and your husband were in love once, maybe you can rekindle it but I think you might need more help than just a few tips. Good luck to you! It sucks to be where you are. . . I know.

Please ignore the people who are making you feel like a jerk that you are even considering divorce. No one knows the pain you might be in and sticking it out for your daughter may not be the answer. I have a great counselor who helped me and if you are interested in a referral, just let me know.

Hey K.! I feel the same way when I read this Love of my life and soul mate stuff. We are women and they are men so I just can't believe that their husbands do not get under than skin sometimes. I can relate to you totally. My husband and I have been together 5 years and married 3. We have had our problems and I am very blunt and tell him exactly what I need from him in order to be happy and want to be in my marriage. I look at marriage as a roller coaster of changes. Some months I want to pack my bags and drive away and other times I enjoy his company. My husband and I are just getting out of a rough patch again and starting our second go around with marriage counseling. I believe you should exhaust your options unless he is abusive in anyway. Have you told him the things you need and want to keep you interested? I hope you also make time for you and I think date nights with your hubby is key so you can remember why you picked him to begin with. That always helps me feel better. Good luck!!

K.,
I am sorry you are going through this. I know how it can feel. I would first look at how long you have been feeling this way and if these feelings have accompanied a big change in your life. For instance, I had a reeaaally difficult time with my husband after my first baby was born, and then during my most recent pregnancy. Both phases lasted around 6 months. Looking back, my feelings were due to a mixture of hormones plus just being overwhelmed, my husband could have been helping a lot more but in my mind I had made him out to be such a jerk. I was totally weighing the "should we divorce? Maybe he can live in the basement to make it work with the kids" options. However, now, a year later, I feel our relationship is stronger than ever.
Here is my advice: 1- consider seeing a therapist, just by yourself, and maybe down the road do couples counseling. It may help just to have someone to vent to for a few sessions. You may be dealing with depression, in which case, medication may help get you over that hump. It helped me a lot. 2- make time to talk, every day. this is what made the biggest difference for me, was just 10 min a day.

I realize now that every realitionship goes through its ups and downs... and even though things are great for me now, I know that we will most likely hit rough patches in the future. Good luck!

This could be just a phase if you handle it right, but if not it will turn into real trouble that will destroy your marriage. Everyone has times they get frustrated or annoyed or hurt or upset with their husbands. That's ok. You can work through it. But if you spend years "plotting your escape" you are choosing emotionally to "divorce" your husband, even if you aren't doing it in real life. That will eventually ruin the love you have.

You CAN resurrect your marriage from negativity; I know that from experience. Even deep negativity can be overcome. You have to find ways to get more positive in the relationship, maybe attend counseling, pray, try to remember the good things that brought you together, get babysitters more often so both of you are getting your needs met, go out and do things you did together when you were dating.

I had to learn to apologize more, even when it was "his fault," but that helped his defenses come down and got rid of the "immature, passive agressive" side, as he felt loved and safe to admit his mistakes to me too.

You can do it and it WILL be worth it. Best wishes to you and your husband.

Dear K., your letter reminds me so much of ME! With a small child, I can imagine you don't have a lot of time for yourself and for doing things like reading. However, if you can get a copy of the book DANCE OF ANGER, I do recommend reading it. While it is geared toward changing, it has many wonderful ideas.
I spent 25 years in a marriage that should have lasted less than one. I was desparate for love, for a meaningful life. I spent 5 years single after that and married again. After 10 years of marriage, that ended in divorce also...part of the problem is the communication just as you mentioned in your letter.
Many people will probably tell you to talk with your clergy. I would suggest talking with a healthcare professional. Your body has undergone tremendous hormonal changes.
My next suggestion is this: rely on your instincts. You know yourself and your needs better than anyone. Plan your escape. Keep money back for your escape. And do not bring another child into this situation. While you both may want another child, don't do it. It is not going to "save" the marriage, but only compound the problems. And it will leave you with two children to care for, possibly alone, instead of one.
Good luck, and I sincerely mean that.
D. (older woman whose been there, done that!)

You have your child not even 2yrs. Believe it or not but you have and sound like the postpartum. You now have been more than likely taking care of the child more than he, chores have become over baring and the life as before child has somewhat disappeared. Been there and done that. Believe it or not, if you feel this strongly, seek and ask your husband if he is willing to go to marriage counseling. If he is absolutely opposed, you need to seek one for yourself to make sure this isn't just a phase. I found out a lot about myself doing this. It's not all sweet smelling roses after having children. It takes a lot more work and dedication if you want it. I too have felt like chucking it all away but really, is the grass greener on the other side, or will iut get brown too... From reading some of the responses, dating is not always easy but is a good idea. We have definitely been down all these roads and had our 18th anniversary and been together for 20 yrs. With both of us working and the 2 children going thru different phases, it is a very hard situation but be willing a nd want to commit to each other. Communication if the most important thing of all if you can get to there, it gets better.