Needing Advice from Other Single Mom's Out There.

The only advice i can give you is tomorrow is a new day. I find when i yell, its my problem (stressed or overloaded). I do have a button pusher as well, and I find consistency and routine help her. When i was single mom, i tried to stay focused on kids and just did what i could do with everything else. You are only one person. I don't know if you are religious or not, but i found (and still find) a daily devotional helped my frame of mind. I have a devotional i read in the am and a kids one we read at night....it also opens up for some good discussions. Good luck to you.

I just want to say that it's nice to read all the supportive responses. I think all mothers, single or married, can relate to your struggles.

No advice. Sorry K.. Keep your head up girl. You are strong and a great mom.

Hug.

Sounds more like your husband is punitive/aggressive - no passive to it! He is going against court orders and you have to get him back to court. Call your lawyer tomorrow morning to get things rolling.

You need a strict schedule at night time. Dinner within an hour of getting home from work. NO TV during or after dinner. A little playtime downstairs (maybe while you tidy the kitchen, or wait til they are asleep to wash up.) Then upstairs for baths and quiet play in one of their rooms. (Or if they share a room.) Quiet music on a CD player, lamps on instead of bright light. Shut the door if they tend to run out of the room. Sit on the floor with them doing something quiet, and then read to them. This should not take long, Mom. You do not want a long and drawn out bed time ritual in place. Tuck them in the bed and then sit in the middle of your daughter's room with the lights off, with your face toward the door. Don't talk. Don't look at her. Do nothing but sit there. If she gets out of the bed, get up and lead her back without talking. The first night you may have to do it 50 times. She might test for a couple of hours until she "gets it" that she isn't going to have her way. The next night will hopefully be shorter. In a week, 2 at the most, she will lay down and you won't have to sit in there for long.

If your kids are in separate rooms, it makes it harder.

Don't scream at your kids. It isn't helping and they will tune you out. Instead, when they are demanding, take them by the shoulders and put your face close and say very quietly "Mommy will not listen while you are misbehaving. If you want my help you will have to use a nice tone of voice and ask once. If I cannot help you right away, you have to stop asking when I tell you to wait." Then turn away and don't give them anything they want. When they keep it up, say "That's ONE". When that doesn't deter, then say "That's TWO." Last is "THREE". You march the child to the bedroom and shut the door. No allowing them to come out until they have quieted down. Finally, a chastened child will come out of the door provided you have stood firm and not allowed a screaming, crying or fusspot child to come out instead. Don't let your child know you are outside the door - hold on to the doorknob so she can't come out. If she doesn't realize you are out there, she has no captive audience.

DO NOT say you are going to take away a privilege or give a consequence unless you absolutely mean it. No threats. Only truths. If you make threats and if they are outlandish, overly harsh, consequences don't fit the crime, etc, they will not stop their bad behavior because there are no real reasons to. They won't believe you at all, so why should they behave? If you don't control them, they have no reason to behave either.

You must handle your children - let your lawyer handle your ex. And make sure you haul his butt into court.

Good luck,
Dawn

I can empathize with the feeling overwhelmed. Rearing kids is hard and I can't even imagine how hard it is to keep going in the face of the destruction that is the relationship with your ex.

Sometimes replacing the bad thoughts like "I can't do this" or I can't handle this" with a good thought like "I can do hard things" helps redeemer. Because the awful thought is not half as true as the good thought, we just have to remind ourselves.

Also, my church, Wilshire Baptist, over at 4316 Abrams in Dallas, has a single parents night out nearly every month. You have to register about a week before to reserve the childcare, but it is completely free. The first Friday of the month from 6:30 to 9:30. Call Joan Hammons, the minister to preschoolers, at ###-###-#### or email her at ____@____.com

Grace and peace and comfort and love to you,
E.

I don't have advice about dealing with a grumpy ex, but I do have advice about losing it as a parent. Of course you know not to yell, but well all make mistakes and reach a breaking point. Apologize. It helps in so many ways, you affirm to them that they deserve your respect and that it goes boh ways, confirm to yourself that you are striving for better and, best of all, model to them how to behave. "I was upset and I raised my voice, maybe I even scared you. I'm so sorry and I will try to do better next time I'm upset. I may need a time out or count to 10, what do YOU think I should do when I am that frustrated? How can all 3 of us, a a team, make things go smoother for each other?"
In a nutshell, don't let yourself spiral into shame and self-doubt-- make it right and it will feel better for all of you. Hang in there, I know it's a lot to handle but you're heart is in the right place!

Instead of sitting at your computer and crying, try sitting there and praying. Start by thanking God for whatever is going right in your life. I know that is hard when you have so much bad stuff going on. Think about it, you are healthy, you have two beautiful 'healthy' children. The children misbehave but it is not because they had to go to bed hungry or sick. They have a bed and their own place to sleep.

I have also found that if I thank God in advance for my needs to be fulfilled and truly have faith it is very comforting. No, I don't always get what I want, but my needs are generally taken care of.

Tomorrow is a new day and a new start. Don't worry about what happened yesterday, there is nothing you can do about it. Concentrate on how to make today and tomorrow better. Don't be so hard on yourself. You will get through this.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time of it. Don't go to badly on yourself. Its hard. You do need to set some clear boundaries with those kids. I'd start putting them to sleep with a movie in their room. If he gets out of his room just put him back and dont talk to him and turn the tv off. You will probably have to do this for a few hours one night and accept it. Dont quit. Your son will get the hint eventually. If he turns the tv back on but stays in his room let it go he is trying to get a reaction out of you dont let him.

first off you need to talk to a lawyer about the control freak ex husband he has got issues, the question was not whether the child needed it or not, the answer is he should be paying for it, or if he wants to be nasty about it, ask him to give up his parental rights, so there wont be a next time, of him deciding he isnt going to pay for something, i mean , you can either deal with him breathing down your neck till the child turns 18, or you can cut the @### out of the picture and not deal with him at all...can you tell i have dealt with control freaks before ?? get your family involved in helping with your kids, they are probably great kids, and would love having more then one reasonable adult in their lives..as for the stalling at bedtime, our daughter is hands down the stalling champion, she once stalled going to bed for three hours!
K. h.

Dear K.,

This may not be what you want to hear but I was single too for a time with an awful rotten ex. Owes me over 65k in child support which I prob will never see. I honestly feel I would have never survived it all sanely if I hadn't leaned on God. I got plugged into a good bible reading, holy spirit believing church. You will find much support there and moms group you can connect with and other help on dealing with the stress of it all. I would do that and let some ladies and other mommas love on you : ) not to mention when you go to church they watch your children : ) BIG BONUS AND BREAK. Our church Sojourn in Carrollton has been a huge support to our family.

Hey - I am also a single mom of a 9 year old and 5 year old, so similar ages to yours. I agree with what a lot of the others are saying as well. However, one thing that has not been addressed, that REALLY helps me, is that I get my son to help around the house a lot. Starting at about age 7, he became a serious help. He CAN do lots of things, but he doesn't do them all, all of the time. In other words, I'm not super diligent about keeping us on a schedule with chores. But, the good news is, I know he is capable and I can call on him to do it when I need him to (when I am really low in energy). So, my son can:
take out the trash
clean up the kitchen after dinner
clean the cat litter box
vacuum
clean his bathroom
does his own laundry

and my daughter (5) can:
wipe the baseboards clean
puts her clothes away after I wash and fold them

She can probably do more, but my son and I both like her to do that while we tackle some of the other chores.

I know this doesn't really answer your question, but I can guarantee that you will get more energy back if you get them to help you more. Also, I just flat out tell them - if you help me clean, then we have more time to go and do something fun (go to a park or watch a movie or whatever. Fun doesn't have to cost a lot of money).

The other piece of advice that I can tell you is that you need to clearly draw the line where you need to. If your daughter is giving you a hard time at night, you need to draw the line and tell her what your rules/expectations are. My daughter started getting up constantly at 3 and so I put a baby gate across her door. She screamed like you would not believe when she saw it. But, I flat out told her that she and I had discussed that she cannot keep getting up at night. If she is not going to listen, then the baby gate will go across the door (the gate is actually across a hallway door, so she can go to the bathroom or get water. But, she can't come and see me.). At 4 years old, your daughter is plenty old enough to understand the rules and follow them - even if she doesn't like them. And, I told my daughter that she was more than welcome to stay awake and play in her room - as long as she didn't come and see me. Because honestly, I have about 1 hour a day, after they are in bed, for some peace and quiet. And, I NEED it. It's not a matter of wanting it, I need it. So, it's a requirement in my house.

As another woman said, try to find some parent's night outs. I used to use those quite a bit. I just really needed 3-4 hours to myself. However, now that the kids are a little older, I don't need it as much (and I don't want to spend the money on it).

Please do talk to your lawyer about the divorce decree and the insurance coverage. If he is dropping those things and he is required to pay them, then he is in violation. You should be able to get those things restored - even if he doesn't agree with what your child "needs".

Good luck!
L.

Setting boundaries now, and letting tour kids you will not tolerate x, y, z is key to having them listen in the future. As a single mother, when I was, I lost it a few times on my son. Did I feel bad, yes. Did it let him know I'm the boss and he has to mind, yes. He listens very well now. When he did something wrong I had gone to drill sergeant mode. He was so little then. I felt horrible. But his antics stopped. I would have a heart to heart with him afterward, and I'd like to think that helped him understand. He apologized, and I apologized. We hugged, kissed, and made up.
As far as your ex not paying on things. You can take him back to court, explain to the judge what is going on. If it a regular bill that stays the same, you can have those fees garnished just like the child support. If the bills vary, then all you can do is keep your receipts, submit them to him within the time allotted, standard is 30 days. I would send them certified mail so you have proof he got them. Then you take him back to court and submit your evidence and they will garnish the money owed to you until it is paid in full. Then rinse and repeat.
Hope some of this helps.

Good luck to you.

don't be so hard on yourself sweetie. just think - octomom actually has like FOURTEEN kids. and she checked herself into some facility this week.

so comparatively, you're doing okay.

all moms lose their cool occasionally.

my actual advice would be go to a staffing agency. they can help you find full time work. it's out there. might not be in your field or making the money you want (as all intelligent logical people know, you keep looking) but i bet they can find you something full time.

hang in there. you'll get through this!

I raised my daughter as a single mother and the way I got through it was to NOT depend on my ex for ANYTHING! No money, no insurance - NOTHING! I did it all myself - he NEVER had anything to hold over me or threaten me with. That's what you have to do - be completely independent. Anything less leaves you open to what you are experiencing. I NEVER let anyone CONTROL the important things in my life.

I imagine that the toll tag and the insurance were provided out of the kindness of his heart. If so, you should have kept that in mind when saying no to the air show. You have to think of it as "he does this for me; I should do this for him (or allow this or whatever)." Unfortunately you are not holding all the cards; you need to conduct yourself accordingly.

If your child's ped/school counselor agree that he needs the occupational and speech therapies, I don't think your ex can unilaterally cancel it. Ask your lawyer about this.
As for your health insurance and toll tags, was him covering those part of the decree? If so, then he can't just stop paying them, and you need to notify your lawyer. If it was merely a verbal agreement between the two of you, count it as a lesson learned on the value of a verbal agreement.
Does your area have any sort of health care for uninsured people? Find a clinic that has an income-based sliding fee scale and get yourself some help. That may actually mean getting yourself on some sort of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds for a while. Nothing wrong with that. You can't take care of your kids of you're not taking care of yourself.

I don't know how you do it. Single mom of two is a lot of extra time and responsibility. Everyone needs time out but single parents rarely get it.

What's your 4yr old daughters passion? With our son we have a pile of 10 books on his dresser. Bad behavior, stalling before bed means a book goes off the pile. His behavior determines how many books are read before bed. Can you try something like that with her as motivation?.
Try hard not to yell. One or two nights of simply walking out of the room and saying 'When you behave like this it makes me frustrated and sad. I hope you wake up in a better mood tomorrow as I love spending time with you when you treat me nicely and listen. I love you, good night' Then just shut the door to her room. She will survive going to bed without her teeth brushed, half dressed.She may cry herself to sleep but she may also be shocked into listening to you.
If your not working this may be an ideal time to get free or discounted legal aid to assist with your husband's refusal to pay support. Every cloud has a silver lining. Full time work would be even harder on you since you would have all the same jobs to do but less time each day to get everything done.

We don't have family either so friends are key. Play dates are often easier than just the siblings together as there's less fighting and more laughing.
Cook in bulk and freeze. Find easy healthy recipes you can cook and shop for without thinking. Declutter stuff as it always makes your house feel messy even when it's clean. Be outside as much as possible - park after school. Walk around the block after dinner. Free kids activities listed in the paper. The Library. Keep everything simple. It's OK to eat scrambled eggs for dinner. It's OK for your 4yr old to eat PJ sandwiches everyday if you use good bread and PJ. Try not to sweat the small stuff and use the weekends for everyone to catch up on sleep. I'm betting you go to bed late and wake up early looking after two kids on your own.

I'd say get 'more organized' with meal planning and half your computer time but I'd be such a hyprocrite!

Thanks for your honestly. I think every mom feels totally overwhelmed at some stage(s). Search mamapedia and I know you will find many other posts from mom's who are feeling alone, frustrated and exhausted. It's not always going to be this way. 'This too shall pass' (maybe not soon enough for your liking). You are in a tough situation but your smart, educated and I'm guessing very capable.Remember that. Hugs