Need Your Perspctive

Why are you pushing her? Leave her alone. Not once do you say she's unhappy, just that you have to push her to do what you think she should be doing.

You don't really mention what SHE likes to do when the TV and games are off. Is she a reader? Does she like to cook? What about going to the swimming pool?

Bored kids eventuallly find something to do. I tell mine, "Get out. Go play." They say, "what do we do?" I respond, "I don't know, but you're not going to do it here. You've been inside too much. I've run more today than you have. Go."

Some people NEED to be around people to be happy.

And some people DON'T NEED to be around people to be happy.

I think your daughter falls in the latter group.

I agree with taking electronics away or limiting them to an hour or so a day (good behavior, chores done, etc means she's earned her electronics fun quota per day).
BUT it sounds like she's just as happy reading a book, or doing a craft or doing something/anything she likes to do on her own.
This is nothing to worry about!
It's a good thing and shows an independent spirit.
She doesn't need to run with a crowd - and that's not depression!

You need to understand that badgering her constantly to go seek out people is not doing her any good.
It shows her that YOU are not happy with who she is.

Friends might make YOUR world go round but that's not every bodies cup of tea.
Try asking her what she'd like to do (excluding tv/electronics, etc).
If what ever she picks is not a people/friends activity - be totally OK with it!

I think you should let her be herself. So she's not an extrovert. That's ok.

I'm all for taking away electronics if a child seems addicted (our rule is no electronics, including TV, between breakfast and dinner). But how my kids entertain themselves during that time is up to them.

Personally, when I was that age, I spent many happy afternoons curled up with a good book. I didn't need to be entertained by other kids all the time. Don't get me wrong, I liked to play with other kids sometimes, and I could also be happy by myself. I'm still the kind of person who has a few very good friends, instead of a posse of acquaintances.

So, instead of trying to change her, validate who she is so she's confident in herself. It really is ok to be an introvert. If this sounds like a foreign language to you (and it is to many extroverts), you should read "Quiet: The power of an introvert in a world that can't stop talking"

maybe she's just not that social. I'm not. growing up I had one - ONE - good friend I saw outside of school. A couple others occasionally but really only one. to this day I am a "one person, person". My s.o. is my person. I don't really make a huge effort to spend a lot of time with anyone else. I do see family regularly and occasionally see old friends, but I'm seriously not one to enjoy hanging out in the neighborhood on weekends, for example. I honestly would rather stay in my bubble, that's where my peace is, that's where I recharge. some people do feed off of the energy of others, but many are just drained by it.

be that as it may, I do think boundaries are in order. Say, electronics only for an hour or two at a time. She can read, play, go outside, whatever, but no electronics, at other times. the point isn't whether she's outside playing with friends (although I do agree that fresh air and socialization is good for kids). The point is not to be on electronics all day. Maybe she wants to read a book in a hammock. Maybe she wants to draw. I think that's ok.

In my experience, she probably is saying she had fun because once she got there, she did. She just didn't really feel the need to go to begin with. I get it.

is she NOT happy and well-adjusted? for me, that would require different criteria than simply being content with her own company. i think there's actually a high degree of strength and healthy psyche in that.
i absolutely would put the kabosh on sitting in front of a screen all day, but other than that, why is it a battle? lay down the parameters for how much tv or computer time you're comfortable with, and leave her to it. if she gets bored enough she'll do something else. but if she's hunky-dory with reading or doing sports (however lackadaisically), then it's not on you to fill her every moment. relax, trust her, don't nag, and let her figure it out.
khairete
S.

Are you an outgoing personality? Is your son? Now ask yourself, is your daughter outgoing or is she introverted?

Just because she prefers to be alone does not mean she is lonely. Her personality is hers, not yours, so you are potentially stressing yourself out over something that you can't and shouldn't try to control or change.

Granted, you don't want her sitting in front of the TV all day, so talk to her and ask her for ideas of what SHE would like to do instead of TV. Perhaps she would like to go to the library for a few hours. Find out what she likes and go from there. Look for things that are more appealing to a quieter/less "actively" social personality.

B explained it perfectly - or how I see it. I'm just like your daughter, and I have a son like this too.

I too worried about my child. Same situation.

I felt the same - was I bugging him with suggestions? Prodding him too much? Making him feel like he was abnormal?

Yup. He finally said "Mom, back off. I'm FINEEEEEEEEE and I'm NORMALLLLLLL".

He said it was ok that he's not like his siblings (pick the phone up the minute they wake to make plans). I guess I was comparing him to them. Which ... we should never do.

So .. I backed off. And guess what? It got better, and I also saw that he really was content as is. Electronics ... yes, I have to remove those sometimes (but do the other kids too). He's very happy to just be around us at home.

I can relate, and I bet your daughter is liked. My son has a lot of kids who know and like him, but he doesn't invest a lot of himself into friendships unless they are his closest. I'm very similar.

My son also got a bit anxious hanging out with friends he didn't know well. My son is kind of a deep thinker, and when he bonds with kids, he really bonds. Sounds like your daughter with the 2 sisters. He finds it a bit tiring with kids he doesn't have so much in common with. Whereas my other kids could gab or hang out with pretty much anyone.

I have friends who have kids the same, and I have nephews and nieces like this too. Just back off a bit. I had to have my child tell me too - I thought I was being really good about (just trying to encourage him) but you have to watch it - we have to just accept them as they are.

Hope that helps :)

I agree with you that she doesn't get to sit in front of a TV or computer all day, but I agree with the comments below that she doesn't necessarily need to connect with other kids if she's more of an introvert.

She probably should do something physical, but that doesn't always mean an organized team sport. Bike riding, roller blading, and zip-sticking are all physical, and at 9, she can be relatively unsupervised on the street. Hiking is good too although I wouldn't send someone off into the woods alone.

I would do a few things: I would google some things like "what to do when kids are bored" - there are "bored sticks" (with activities) similar to job sticks (with chores on them) that help stimulate a kids imagination by making suggestions.

Is she creative? Get a book from the library of camp projects that kids can work out (especially outside) - some use items from nature, some use things from your recycling bin (paper towel tubes, containers from the supermarket, etc.) and some basics like duct tape and Elmer's glue. Set her up on a picnic table with a few layers of newspaper to protect it, and let her go to town. Sometimes these books have games too, which would put her in a leadership role with the 2 sisters she sometimes plays with. That way she won't always be on the receiving end.

Jigsaw puzzles, Scrabble and word puzzles all build intellect and work the brain. Set up a card table when she can work at something over a long period of time and not have to clean up. My son started out doing those mazes in puzzle books, and moved on to creating his own elaborate ones. Great skill/creativity, as well as fine motor skills. Maybe give each kid something like $5 at the dollar store but they have to choose something that DOES something, not just hair bows or something like that.

Age 9 may be old enough to need more than a few hours of summer programs/camps. Maybe there's something at the library where she can help out with a little kids' story hour. Maybe she's more engaged with younger kids? That's okay if it lets her be a little more confident and not always a "follower".

I think the thing to do is stop the nagging and being exasperated, and give her some acceptable choices where she can learn to manage her own time. If there's no argument, she can find something.

Be sure to include options like going next door and offering to walk the dog (not for pay), or bringing in someone's trash cans, or weeding the crabgrass around the mailbox. Gardening is a great activity that gets kids out in fresh air, and creates something enjoyable and measurable for them to feel proud of. Giving a kid her own plot of land (just a few feet square) and some seedlings (which will be on sale at this time of year) can be fun and rewarding.

I have one super social kid, and one selectively social kid. Both of them are content so we let them manage their own business in that regard.

If your daughter is complaining, upset, and unhappy about her social life then you'll need to work with her to figure out solutions. If she seems to be happy doing her own thing, then leave it be. Just because she isn't like your other child doesn't mean she isn't well-adjusted. She just has different optimal settings. :-)

This is kind of typical these days with kids wanting to be on electronics all day. I simply set a time frame where electronics are allowed. When that time is up, she has to find something else to do whether it's read, crafts, or outdoor play. If she hasn't had any outdoor time for a couple of days, then I simply say "go outside." She can just sit on the porch if that's what she wants to do, but she's outside. Inevitably, she finds something out there to do.

I don't think your child is depressed, just a bit lazy. Like I said, it's typical. Kids today are very lazy - that's why childhood obesity is such a problem.

As a child & teen, I was 100% content to "do nothing".
As an adult, I'm still somewhat of a hermit & quite frequently have to force myself to walk out the door. I have hobbies. I have interests.
BUUUT...I do enjoy traveling & cruising on the hwy. That will get me out the door in a heartbeat!

As long as your daughter has social skills & a comfort zone when she leaves the home, then I would just keep it easy...& understand that she is content.

During my sons' childhoods, the rule was 30 minutes (don't remember?15 minutes) outside before any electronics were used. Often the time would fly, & they'd find something of interest. End goal achieved!

I think she's just a kid who prefers few friends. Gently guide her to widen her horizons, and don't get frustrated. This doesn't mean she's depressed, she's just not a socialite.

Limit electronics if you wish, provide her with books and crafts and sports, and if she's bored she will just have to figure out something to do.

Don't worry, she'll be fine.

It's very hard to keep kids busy all summer long especially if you are a stay at home mom. For the past 10 years, I have been a stay at home mom; prior to that I worked full time. I have a 20 year old daughter from a previous marriage and two sons, 10 and 6 with my current hubby. The 20 year old works and is busy with her boyfriend. I rarely see her since she lives in another area. My 10 year old plays with friends daily because he likes being social. My 6 year old likes to socialize, but not as much as my 10 year old does. Both my boys love playing Xbox. Some days that is all they do. During the fall and winter months, we do ice hockey and that in itself is a full time thing. I don't think about summer. It's not my job to keep them entertained all the time. I do as much as I can with them. We also go out daily like to the library, grocery store, and ice cream shop.

When I was raising my daughter, I worked full time and my daughter was in daycare full time during the summer. She was always busy with learning new things there and socializing. Now, that I am a stay at home mom, my boys do not have the luxury of the daycare environment.

Honestly, it sounds like you are frustrated to have her around so much. I get that...believe me. We all need a break. Moms are human! That's why I wrote so much about myself to you. I get where you are coming from. Maybe invest in more camps?

My almost 9 yo son is a homebody- it's just who he is. He is happy, well-adjusted and seems to make friends easily. He just loves staying at home and given his choice, wouldn't go out at all! My daughter is the opposite- ready to go wherever, whenever.
It's a struggle, but once we get him out of the house, he has fun. It's the getting out of the house thing that is the challenge.
One thing that helps is that my son goes to summer camp at the YMCA all day, 5 days a week. They keep them busy there, he's made summer-long friends, and is active and having fun.
My suggestion would be to do something similar. Getting her out of the house during the day at a full time day camp might make all the difference. I'm not sure that a couple of hours a day at an occasional camp is enough to get a homebody up and motivated during the summer. I know that would be a struggle for me!
Hope this helps!

I have had two kiddos that were not "social creatures" by nature - especially at that age. If in all other areas of her life, she seems to be doing well - school, sports, general family time, etc., I wouldn't worry too much about her not wanting to engage much with the outside world on her own.

Sometimes a schedule really helps with keeping busy, and she is old enough to be able to stay on track on her own. Setting a routine every day for TV time, outside time, reading time, arts/craft time, chores, etc. can really be helpful. Encouraging her to stay in touch with any friends she has is great, but keep it light and low-pressure if you can.

Good luck!

i have a boy like this. and it's easy to loose track of electronics because he is soo good and quiet and not bothering me or anyone else. but he does need exercise and it is a pain to get him to do anything. he used to like the pool now he hates it, i can get him to play tennis with me a bit. so even if i hate it i try to make a point of going iwth him.

I don't expect him to have a ton of friends or be busy every day. but when he does decide he wants to play there is no one that wants to because he hasn't worked on the relationship.

i' don't have any advice just also in the same spot. tired of hearing him mope but can't get him to take the steps to keep him self busy and happy ( with things other than books and electronics)

I think the first thing to do is understand that all kids, and people for that matter are different. Is it really that important that she goes out and plays with others, or does sports, or likes them. It's all about the process and nurturing whatever she does enjoy doing. Sometimes that takes a long time to figure out, and can change constantly. I would recommend to continue to provide support, try and find out what she does like to do, nurture that...and know that what one kid likes to do, isn't always what others like to do...

My 9 year old son is super social, but is pretty busy, so when he's at home and I ask him if he wants to have a friend over, he often declines. It's nice to have some downtime and rest now and then. I wouldn't worry about the social stuff too much at this age. It doesn't seem to really get moving until the kids are 11 or even older.

Please stop forcing her to make friends. When I was 9 I didn't like to go outside much if at all. I did have friendships from school and friendships from church but in the neighborhood, I just wasn't interested. I wasn't depressed. I was and still am an introvert and prefer smaller groups or one on one situations. When I got to be 12 is when I would go outside unprompted by my mom. I was always more comfortable with the boys than with the girls. LOL When I began to get breasts, my relationship with the boys began to change to things like touch football began to get touchy.

You need to be more observant. Pay attention to her ability to be friendly. Just because a kid lives near you doesn't equal they will be friends with your kid.

In my neighborhood there were at least 30-40 children of all ages and trust me some of the combinations of friendships or dynamics of children worked while others just didn't. So please stop trying to force her on other less than enthusiastic about her kids.

I'm an adult and I have plenty of firends but only a few close friends and even fewer friends that know where all the bodies are burried and it's just fine. Ever person isn't out going and that should be fine as long as it is fine with her.

I was sort of like that at that age, but I blossomed in jr high and high school. Don't force it. She'll come around when she's more socially mature.

Maybe she's an introvert. Not a bad thing.

Everyone is different. I'd see if I could get her to share what her feelings are and if she has any classes or clubs or groups she'd like to be part of.

My 9 year old daughter is social by nature and loves kids, but she doesn't get much social time outside of school due to my busy schedule...luckily she has 2 younger sibs to play with and also likes time on her own where she doesn't feel like playing with them...she gets lost in Barbies, legos, reading, crafts, riding her bike around the block... She has one friend she gets together with when possible, but that girl is also busy, so that's not often...to be honest 9 is pretty young for a child to pursue a social life by calling people etc. Mine doesn't do that either and it's not a problem. It's not like she drives, so I have to make plans with people to take her somewhere, and everyone is busy! I wouldn't worry about it personally if she's content to stay in. As she gets older it will change.