Need Support from Moms of Only Children

Hi--
I have two, so I can't speak from the Mom perspective, but I am an only child, so I can speak from there. I liked being an only. Having a new sibling at ten would've messed with me because I would not have wanted to share my Mom. I got lots of space and lots of time and I liked it. As for having siblings, I sorta just created family out of my friends. I have great girlfriends who fill that place for me, and I don't feel as if I am missing out. It sounds as if you are happy being Mom to an only, and when Momma is happy, then so is everyone else. I don't think you need to worry about it anymore. Everyone has different families and all variations have advantages and drawbacks. You're a good Mom and you're daughter is lucky to have you!
J.

I have one. He was planned - had him at age 40 with no problems at all. But I never even considered having more. If you do not feel some great need I would stop worrying about it.

I have an only and we love it. I had him at 39 and it really rocked our world--we are Type A people and we knew O. was our limit. We have no regrets.
You write "I actually love having an only child, I don't feel any kind of void or longing for another child" so I don't see why you would waste you time or energy mulling this over and over in your head! Counter productive! Enjoy your daughter to the fullest, as only a mom of an only can do!

I have a son, and he's the only child we are having. Honestly, I think any time we put the period, at the end of something...it sends us into a thought frenzy. Humans are not great, at finality. We aren't great at just being done with something. IT doesn't mean the decision we made is wrong. We tend to frequently be jealous of what we don't have. It doesn't mean we actually WANT what they have, it's just part of being a human.

I have sisters, but I might as well be an only child. We were not close growing up and aren't close now. I don't have a relationship with them. If I am going through something, I rely on my husband, my friends (who are like my family) and my church family. I don't have siblings to rely on (not literally, but we don't rely on each other, at all) and my life is VERY full, of people who I love and love me. I am surrounded by supportive people, who I will always know and cherish. Siblings don't guarantee a full life.

Honestly, I don't worry about my son. I have many friends in my life, that are truly my family. They love him and very close to him. He will always be supported and surrounded by many people, who will always be there for him to rely on. Just becuase those people aren't siblings, means nothing.

We have an only and at times we also had worries.
This is a child that loves school, has her own mind and is independent.. She always preferred the company of adults or other very mature children.. She always had friends. And they were a variety of people..

Our daughter also had goals from a very early age. We could guide her, but she has always been in charge..
The Teachers all loved her and said they loved her sense of humor, love of learning and her common sense..

I asked her once if she ever wanted a sibling.. she said maybe but she would have liked it to have been an older brother or sister.. Of course after spending times at the homes of families with multiple children, she told us she was glad she was an only..

She is now in college and doing great.. We miss her, but she is so happy it makes it bearable for us.. We are like a team of 3. We love spending time together.

Also just because you have multiples, does not mean those children will be close.. My husband and his sister have never been close.. and My sister and I are not terribly close because we are so completely different.

We tease our daughter about how she will have to take care of us when we get old.. She says "Oh, do not worry, I know how take care of the 2 of you.".. We are not sure if it is a threat or a promise.. Hee, hee....

You could also be a foster parent, you could host foreign students..

We have no regrets..
My husband always answered people who asked about more children. "We got it right the first time."

Wow, I have to say I just don't personally understand the whole 'only child' concern from some people.

A child will be the person she is and the person YOU raise her to be! You would not raise her with different values and beliefs and more or less love if she had siblings!

I have a brother and he and his wife have 3 kids. I have one son, age almost 11 and my husband and I would love to have one more. We'll see if it happens- but if it doesn't, my son has a happy, loving family and that is what matters! He is in all gifted classes, and socially very well adjusted and happy.

I think it can be a hard choice to make not to have more kids. Part of you may wonder 'what if...' but there is NO right or wrong answer at all. Having the actual talk might cause a pang or two- I know how you feel- but in the end, we all just have to be so grateful for the happy, loving, healthy children we are blessed with. I hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday season!

I just wanted to chime in. I'm an only child (and for 10 years had only one child until we adopted a second) and I think you're thinking too much about it. I am so happy as an only, and I'll bet one day your daughter will be saying the same thing to people. I don't lack for people who love me and who I love. I have good friends who are like family. And I'm divorced, but my ex's family is STILL family to me and we do things together and we're close. I know so many people who have siblings who don't even like them or get along with them. I was able to choose who I wanted close to me. It's all good. You'll be fine. Enjoy your family and enjoy your happiness! So many people don't even have that!

I love my only as well. Not only him, but just him. I can say he's my favorite kid in the whole world and mean it 100%

But mom-guilt is amazing... isn't it? No matter how "right" our decisions are, the 2nd guessing always seems to poke it's nose in from time to time.

I am a mom who is an only child herself. I don't feel like I grew up devoid of something and my life was horrible because of it... in fact the entire time I was growing up and all the way to college, I felt very special because I was the only one, and I got a lot of adult time because of it. I thought it was bizarre when I went ot my friend's homes and siblings would fight - in fact I still feel that way - seeing children, or even adults who are siblings argue about things. Usually, I find, it's attention related.
I will say though that around college I started to wish I had a sibling to talk to - around the same age and having issues with leaving home, things like that. But, as an adult, I know that many siblings simply grow apart and/or don't get along, and they aren't much of a support network anyway.
My advice is to rely on other family members that have a child about the same age, if you can - the children can grow close and rely on each other like siblings. If that is not possible, then go out of your way to help foster deep and long lasting friendships for your child, hopefully showing by example.

Being an only child is overwhelmingly positive while growing up - it really is. In adulthood there are really idiotic adults that will say things like "oh, you're an only child, that explains everything." Like you have been left out of some club, and you have some radically obvious different behavior that you are unaware of. From my perspective you shouldn't feel bad for having an only - feel fantastic about being able to give that child all the love, time, and attention they can get. And foster long term relationships with other shildren their age too.

My Only daughter turns 16 this month. NOT once have I had a regret with having an only.

She will say she is glad to be an only if you ask...

I never had issues, I knew during pregnancy I was done.... I enjoyed my pregnancy, I have enjoyed each step along the way. Right now, I admit at 16 is THE HARDEST we've ever been through. Right now this age makes the terrible 2's and on nothing compared to what 16 is like. I have a good kid....I can't imagine having a child who is rebellious, etc.

That said.....we are a team of 3 with wide open communication and I believe everyone goes through a tough time with children at different ages.

Would I do it over............YES in a heartbeat.... NO REGRETS for having an only child.

THANK YOU for posting this question. You received so many positive responses, and they were good for me to read as I struggle with worry and guilt myself. My daughter is 5 and I am 44, and so we are done. We too had fertility issues. Good luck to you.

i have only 1 mainly because that 1 made the reality of "hard to raise a child" real for me, and i divorced her dad and didn't want a child out of wedlock. She is 8, i've always seen myself with at least 2 and i'm coming upon 30 in a few years and i have to hide my emotions when i see a pg woman cause i want so bad to be pg again myself, my current husband is fixed so we have to have the help from a dr if we dont' adopt, which i REALLY want to do, but he doesn't...we both want another but we can't agree on "how" he's 51 in feb, so time is running out for him...but i've told him as long as i'm still young enough that's not an issue for me. I was pg a second time, but had many complications with that one, and lost the baby (very personal) so in a way i'm scared to get pg again don't want to relive the heartache or break my daughter's heart again...she was sooo excited at the thought of a sibling, though her dad and i are both remarried, she still only has step sisters who are 5 and 6 years older than her, so in a way she's still "alone"

it's heart breaking but i'm not blindly bringing another child in this world again like i did with her...she was planned, but not well

We have an only and we also had a difficult time getting pregnant and the childbirth was also challenging. Funny, though, I've always just wanted one child. While the new mommy hormones were coursing through me, I briefly thought of having another, then really thought about it and talked it through w/ my husband and we're super content w/ one.

Our daughter is now 5 1/2 and is the light of our lives. She's smart, independent, has tons of friends, and her teacher just told us she is a leader in her classroom (kindergarten). She's close to her cousins and very outgoing. I've NEVER believed in having another child for the sake of the existing child. Our little family unit is tight and content -- and so is our marriage! We've watched our friends w/ multiples struggle with their marriage after having the second because it's stressful for them having more than one (we're all in our late 30s/early 40s). One marriage almost crumbled, actually. So when I see people w/ more than one kid, I really don't feel any jealousy whatsoever. Because we all have our own path, right?

And I love Laurie A's response below! Sometimes our daughter will say to me, "Mom, you take such good care of me!" And I always laugh and say, "Because daddy and I hope you'll take good care of us when we're old!" She giggles and says, "Of course I will!"

Good luck and point that period on the end of the sentence and turn the page to a new chapter.

I can't speak from personal experience, but my mother is an only child. She has always had lots of friends and a lot of love at home, so she never felt like she was missing out. As a child, many of her friends had siblings, so she played with them also. As an adult (in her 60s), she still has several friends from school that keep in contact with each other on a regular basis (email, telephone, lunches, vacations, etc).

Since you love your family the way it is, then that's the way it should be. You never know what lurks in the minds of others. The family you see out with several kids might look at YOU as the lucky one since your attention isn't constantly pulled in all different directions!! They might be as jealous of you as you are of them. You know what they say: The grass is always greener......

I completely understand your feelings. I also struggled with this, and still do to some extent. I come from a large, close family and wanted the same for my child. But after struggling with what was/is best for me and my family personally, I realized that one child is really best for us. I regret my son will not have siblings to play with, and I hate the comments and utterly unthinking personal questions people ask ("So when is the next one going to come along?" makes me cringe).

There was a really good article in Time magazine about the myths about only children, and reading it really helped me come to peace with this choice.
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,###-###-##...

Only you can decide what is best for you and your family. It's hard to deal with implied (or open) criticism about having an only child or the fact that some people think it's perfectly okay to ask deeply personal questions about "How many more are you having" -- but I remind myself (in my head) when I hear these questions that only I know what's best for me/my family and I have to be strong and not let it get to me. Then I say "our family is perfect just the way it is" with a big smile. Then I turn away or change the subject.

Please do a search for this topic on here -you'll find a lot about it! I am not the mother on an only, but I am an only child myself! I love it and have never had issues with it. Sure, it would be nice to have siblings IF we got along and IF they weren't losers! So many I read about on here and see from my friends and family are! I've gone through the loss of my mother last year and I got as much or maybe even more support from my great friends -who I got to choose! My husband is also basically an only child. He has two half sisters who he never lived with growing up, and he has no issues with it either. You sound like you enjoy having an only child, so enjoy it without feeling like you're doing any injustice to her.

You'll invariably hear that it will be so hard for her when you get old or sick or whatever, and that's not true. She will find her own way and good friends! If you haven't already started, save a lot of money for retirement and your elder years in case you need assisted living or something at some point. Don't make that her burden to bear. I enjoyed my childhood and teen years as an only and I still like it now. No regrets!

I am an only child and it looks as if my son will also be an only child. I get what you are going through as it is so easy to second guess and all of the "what if's" that keep coming up. All I can say is, as cliche as it is, things happen for a reason and everything is meant to be. I always said if I had kids (I had him at 39) I wanted two, not one, and it's not because I had a horrible childhood being an only, but I thought it would be neat to experience what it is like to have a sibling and see it thru my son's eyes. But that did not happen. I had a miscarriage and was not able to get pregnant again. So it is what it is. My regret is that I won't ever have a little girl as I really wanted to have one of each so sometimes I still struggle with that. I also struggle with him being alone if something were to happen to my husband and I seeing we are "older" parents. We don't have a lot of family nearby. So I am trying hard to build friendships for him as I have always relied on friends like they were siblings. All in all being an only is not bad at all, there are a lot of positives to it, not just negatives. Acceptance is hard sometimes but in the end remember this is how it is meant to be.

Thank you for this question. And thank you to all the momma's out there of onlys. You are definitely not alone. I have felt the same way too. Even thought I am 99.9% sure I do not want any more, every once in awhile I wish I had one more. Sometimes it just because I want a second chance (anxiety ridden pregnancy that I couldn't enjoy, severe PPD, several years of finding right meds for a chemical imbalance, I felt cheated out of the first part of my daughters life) Other times its because I worry about her not having a sibling but as many momma's have said, she wont miss what she's never had. I think we all have a tendency to second guess ourself, even if we know what is right. So many of us live in suburbia, so it feels like we are alone in our decision. ( I have met only 2 others with onlys in my neck of the woods) I swear we need to make our own club. Hang in there and know you are not alone. Your daughter will be fine no matter what. Good luck.

I think it's wonderful you are trying to look ahead for your daughter's sake. However, if she is happy as is and you are happy as is and you don't really care for the idea of having a second, then don't. Teach your daughter how to be a good friend so she can make other life long connections outside of siblings. I have 2 sisters and 3 step sisters. Even with that though, my older sister has a best best friend. They've been best buds for years and years. I also have a couple life long friends. We all do. So, she will still surely get the support she needs. Just teach her to do it right. :)

My situation is nothing like yours, so I'm not sure I can be of help. My husband and I had two boys in the first two years of marriage, then we got the birth control thing figured out. lol Twelve years later we had another glitch and ended up with a daughter. That was wonderful as we'd wanted a daughter, but for financial reasons, hadn't intended to have more kids. Our boys grew up with a built-in playmate which was great. Our little girl didn't have that benefit and I think she did feel like an only child since her brothers grew up and left her behind relatively early in her life. Finances prevented us from having another child, and now it's too late. If I had it to do over again, I'm not sure what we would do, but I would definitely consider foster-parenting. Where we live, there is a great need for foster parents. And there is financial help from the state. If you could see your way clear to give it a try, your daughter could have the benefit of a sibling. If everything worked out, you could adopt the child. If not, someone else would have that privilege in time, or perhaps the birth parent/s would become viable again. In other words, there are options. I hope you will consider it. But I can understand if you don't. I certainly don't feel able to take on that responsibility now, but wish I had considered it years ago. It is a responsibility, but a rewarding one, just like biological parenthood. All told, I'm so glad I had my unplanned babies. Some "accidents" can be better than plans. I don't know if this is any help to you, but it's another side of your question.

I'm an older mom of a 4 year-old daughter - she will probably remain an only. I do go through what you are going through from time to time - my daughter is very social and sometimes asks for a sister or brother - but for the most part she seems very happy with the current set up. I do worry about the future, especially because we are older - but like you, I can't say that my sister has been much of a comfort for me. I love her, but our relationship is challenging. I just don't think there are any givens with family. I believe that family is important (I grew up with a very large extended Irish family - and I still treasure that) but finding true friends are just as important. I have some friend, who live far away, but we've been friends for decades - and I would probably rely on them before relying on my sister! There are pros and cons with any situation. Given what you are saying, it seems like the pros, for you, far outweigh the cons. It seems that you are generally happy with your situation. Find peace in that.

We have one daughter, who is now 16. We always knew she would be an only. Our families never fully understood this as I have worked with very young children my entire life. I have never, even for one day, held any sort of office, sales or any other sort of job. I have always cared for children for over 23 years now, more if you include my years when I was under age 18!

But we always said we wanted one. Then I had issues. Getting pregnant was not the problem...the first 2 times I was still on the pill! But in 11 months time, I had 3 miscarriages. All were completely different and the first was even a very rare situation for someone my age at the time..and I was a part of a medical study (I was a nanny then and worked for 2 University of MN doctors who had OB/GYN pals who were interested in my case..so I agreed to be involved minimally for the sake of the research).

Alot of tests and another surgery (scar tissue filled uterus...at that point not sure if it was the cause of the losses or the result of them)...and finally was about to be told to do all I could to GET pregnant..knowing things were cleared out..but I beat them to it and was once again pregnant. I dreamed of a chubby, brown haired, blue eyed girl...and that is what I got...after a problematic pregnancy (SEVERE hyper-emesis and on IV's for the first 5 months..finally gained loads of weight...then she was badly tangled up and breech..she has a minor foot malformation as a result of her pretzeled position). All of this added to our already in place decision to just have one. My husband had a vasectomy when she was just 6 weeks old.

We always joke that with one, we know who to blame things on (her or the cat!)..but with one we have been able to give her all of our time and attention...and still be selfish and live our lives the way we had always hoped for. Now at 16, she is a very talented artist, very sensitive and caring and unique in most ways. I love that we were able to raise her in the way we always talked about doing and occasionally we do regret that she doesn't have that sibling dynamic in her life (like when my own lovely Mother died 3 years ago, and my brother and I grew closer again as adults...but also he and I grew farther apart with our 2 older siblings as a result of everything....so then I lose that sensation of regret.). She will never be an Auntie, except by marriage.

But I always feel she won't miss what she never had. I have asked her many times this question as well...and that was always her answer..I don't miss what I never had. She always professed to love her life the way it was and did not envy her pals with siblings. She has alot of extended family and many cousins who we see often. We are all always ready to go back to our quiet home..LOL.

I hope you find peace in your decision. I did in mine before my baby was in my arms.