Need Support and Advice Regarding " Marriage Issues and Sharing Parenting/house"

Maybe you could plan a weekend away - a girls' weekend, or visit family. Leave laundry for him to do, and don't plan meals in advance. Force him to care for the children and take care of everything else for an entire weekend. He likely has absolutely no idea how difficult being a parent really is when you actually do the things a parent should do. When you get home he will likely appreciate you more and be willing to participate more household chores and caring for the children.

I don't know if this is a possibility for you, but thought it might work. I'm married to more of a Mr. Mom type, so I don't have anything that I've actually tried. I hope something helps. Moms need support.

I have no answers. Please just know you are not the only one out there in this situation. Good luck.

I really like what 'cdm2kk' said. I am sorry your not feeling supported.

My husband really does not do to much when he gets home either. His job is also physical and he is pooped when he gets home. He eats, we play a game or do something with our son , then horizontal on the bed watching tv. I gave myself permission to end my day at a certain time. I could do things F. around here but ya know what.......it will be here tomorrow waiting. The only things I make sure get done is dinner and laundry, all the other cleaning I do in the early am. As far as baths go, do it in the morning for your children, do laundry in the am, reading books any time of day, start weaning the child you have to rock. It can be easier if you plan your day to be over, after dinner, pjs, brush teeth.........then do what ever. The key is planning.

I do think your husband should eat with you and the children. I would feel terrible if mine did not eat with us. He has to give you something! I mean really . I know he works hard .... but so do you. I would ask him to be more part of the family.

Moms and Moms who work usually end up doing it all. We need to give ourselves permission to end our long days, maybe pamper ourselves once in a while.

Everyone has the same plate, just not the same support. My hubby & I saw a marriage counselor for a short while & this is finally worked for my hubby to see clearly, since we all get too caught up in i do this he does that game. Here is how it works...sit down & go through your average week schedule and add up how much time you spend on doing things for the kids, doing things for your spouse, doing things for yourself, and time you spend on work (even if done inside the home), then time for family. I bet time for you is last on your list! Then sit down & do the same for your husband. I bet you are last on his list as well! Now, if you can get your husband to do the same, then he too will see just how different the priorities are. The only way you get more time to do things for yourself, which keeps you from resenting him, is for him to voluntarily give up some of his time etc... Basically if he wants you to be healthy & happy & like your old self in the bedroom, then he needs to help you, help him so to speak. This truly opened my hubby's eyes that it is all a balancing act & that marriage is a team and isn't about any one single person. Best of luck.

My husband and I both work full time and so it seems very obvious to us that we should also split child and household stuff 50/50. Plus, we generally like and respect each other and sometimes compete to "one up" each other when we get home...Who can make a better dinner? Who can get the baths done faster? Who can make homework less painful?

I assume you are a SAHM? Do some research in your community. Find out what you could earn if you did get a job. Also, call a couple places and find out what they charge for daycare. Then someday when you are sitting down doing the monthly bills, when the kids are asleep and you and your husband are relaxed...Give him the $$$ picture:

Honey, if I went back to work in this economy, I could maybe bring home $30,000/ year But, we would have to pay $20,000 in child care. So, what do you think? Would you like to to add $10,000 to our budget or would you like to continue to have me at home saving us $20,000? If I stay at home, I am basically contributing $20,000 to our family budget but unlike you, I do not get to punch out at 5:00pm. I would like to talk about making a family calendar where we are responsible for certain chores that are done "off the clock". And BTW, this might mean certain things just go undone for a few days. (keep in mind, YOU also have to be OK with dishes in the sink or piles of laundry....Because for the most part guys don't care about this/see value in it.)

First of all, please know that you are not the first stay at home mom (if only for a little while) to feel this way. We all go through this and it is hard to make them understand. Some people feel that if you are staying home that your whole day is a picnic because you don't "have a job", you probably watch a lot of TV. Those of us who do stay home, know that this could not be farther from the truth. Yes, having a job outside the home is great but your job ends and begins every day. We you stay home, you are on the clock 24/7, there is no quitting time. When the kids are small it is impossible to have a lot of me time, until they go to bed and by then you are exhausted.
It is possible that your husband feels resentful, that you are getting something that he is not. That how dare you ask him to help when your whole day is free. I say make a plan with him, to set aside some time to discuss with him, the things that are bothering you. If his behavior continues and you don't speak up, these issues will not go away and soon you will be fighting over them.
I went through this as well and it was not until I got really sick with the flu that my husband was able to realize what I did inside the house and with the kids, because I couldn't do it. Also he began to have days where he could work from home and saw that I did not sit during the day. His opinion has very much changed of what I do. He now tells people, he has seen the boss's job and he does not want it.
Just talk to your husband, it may take time for him to see your side but talking helps.

My spousal equivalent works all day too, often overtime, and I am a stay at home mama trying to get my own business successful for extra income. My boyfriend was this way for the first five months and it irritated me. I know it is difficult to work all day and then come home and parent, but that's life! I work hard all day too and in order for our relationship to work out I needed him to understand we are a team and I am not the captain, we both are.

When my son was 7 months old I had to work for two days so my partner took both days off work to stay at home alone with our son. I think it afforded him the ability to bond with our son. Ever since then he is very hands on and after he gets home from work and takes a shower, he gives me at least 30 minute break to do whatever I need to do to feel refreshed. We either make dinner together, or he plays with our son while I do it, or vice versa. We all eat together or one of us feeds our son. And then we take turns with the bedtime routine...we give our son a bath and read to him before bedtime. So one of us might give a bath while the other prepares the books and bottle.

AFTER our son is asleep, this is when the time for rest is because as parents, we both are on the clock while our little one is awake. It makes me easier to be around when he is an active parent and it makes our son bond with his father and me both. My partner has expressed numerous times how happy he is to be so hands on because he gets the rewards of being a parent by putting in the work, just as I do.

I don't know how to help your husband be more active...it sounds like he's just checking out at you and your kids expense. But honestly, it's at his expense most because it's the rewards of parenting that is so energizing. Maybe find a way to have a class or activity that makes you unable to be home some nights each week...give him an opportunity to change in a way that enables him the rewards and boosts his confidence that he can do it. Maybe he just doesn't know what to do because he's not been forced? I know it sounds like tough love, but I suspect he will learn how to be more of an active parent and will even like it! I bet your kids will and I am positive you will enjoy the rest from time to time too:)

Hope this helps some and good luck!!!

Greetings Molly, I see that you have gotten some great information so I want to take this from a different point of view. I have 5 children and my husband was military for many years and then got out and worked, went to school and was also busy at church so we had to learn alot about compromise.
Sit and see how you have your day organized and really see how your time can have changes and adjustments made to it for mor effective ways of everyone being a winner.
Yes, you may feel like a single parent but you are not from the single parents I know none of them get to be stay at home and have even less support from the father so they really are both parents and have all the rest. Wives of military husbands really learn how to do it while he is away for months or a year at a time. I sat and did my lists something like this: 1. what can I get rid of that will make things less work for me( I'd suggest the TV but it saved my bacon more than once), and then found ways to hire a neighbor teen to help with part of the things like folding laundry or dishes or playing with the children so I could sit and breath or just go to the store and get things done quickly. I made lists of what had to be done in a day and then if time after the reality list was taken care of I could do something else. My list read like this 1. get up and cleaned up,have kids lunch made in advance ans in the frig so they could get it if I couldn't, I had only 2 major things a day planned and 2 smaller ones. For example I'd clean out the kitchen drawers while on the phone or the cabnets and then would have the laundry piled to the roof in front of the TV so that anyone that wanted to watch it had to fold clothes etc. I could make 3 meals in advance and freeze them so that I was ahead of my self.. I unfortunetly had to high expectations of what I had to do and made myself crazy so clear out that part of yourself. Then when I had my list I made one of the things my husband did do and was great about and gave him credit for it he loved reading to the children and they really didn't care if it was the Bible, a western or his school books they just liked the way he made it all exciteing. Get yourhusband a Lazybo rocker and let him rock the little one in his own comfort. Some men I know hate doing anything with young children as they feel totally at a loss but once they are older they take over easily. I am told by my daughter in laws that my sons are great fathers and are better at things than they are because they prioitize what needs done and how . My son that works with hardwood floors all day and is exhusted at night says he hits the door and starts telling a made up story to his 3 yo and newborn from his firt step in the door -- its all about his day and covers 2 birds with one stone his child gets a story and his wife hears about his day. Good Luck my dear and I hope you can find ways to work this out before you pop with frustration.

My husband works seven days a week...we actually see him more M-F than Sat or Sun. So I totally feel you with the "single parenting" thing...sometimes it seems like it would almost be easier to just be a single parent...but i do love my husband too much for that.

My suggestion would be to try to get him to agree to just one change in routine. If he would sit at the table with you guys to eat dinner. Sense that is one of the biggest factors studies have shown than impact kids in a good way...is sitting down to eat dinner as a family. Ask him to make the change when he is in a good mood and has a full stomach...my husband is always more agreeable on a full tummy. Then let him go on and watch tv...and sit on his bum.

Then once he gets used to eating with you guys...you can try and get him to do just one thing after dinner to help you. My husband has the after dinner choice of washing dishes or washing children. He will ALWAYS pick the dishes...but we finish up about the same time...get the kids in bed and then we can watch tv together. Of course as I cook I try and clean up a bit as I go, so he isn't in there all night or on the rare occasion I do dishes there is less to do after dinner.

I am thinking of any other "chores" my husband helps with...he takes out the garbage and recycling...does the yardwork...and will take my car for a wash, sometimes.

I do the rest...cooking, laundry, packing lunches, light cleaning (I have a woman come twice a month to deep clean...my husband wanted things "cleaner"...so I told him he could help me or allow me to hire someone to help me), grocery and all other shopping, taking kids to and picking up from school...you name it. I keep track of and pay the bills...oh, and have a side business (that I have had to put on hold for a while, but plan on pick up again).

I am a SAHM...and I always thought that I would have the best kept house and kids with out a job to worry about, too. HA!!! This is the hardest job I have ever had...and I have worked sense I was 17. It never stops is 24/7 and you get no sick days or vaca.

I also managed to figure out a way to budget a Mother's Day Out program into our budget as well...2 mornings a week I sent the kids to a local church to learn and play...so I could have some me time or mostly schedule doctor's appointments and run errands with out the kids in tow. (One of my kids is in school now, but the other still goes two mornings a week).

I think your husband could be doing more to help you out or allow you to arrange help if he doesn't want to do it. I am now the happiest I have ever been with our arrangement and I still have days I wish he could take over and I could have a break. I would check into a hotel with room service for 2 or 3 days...and come home a new woman...lol.

Sending you a HUG!! It took a while to come to our arrangement of what works for us...so give it some time and one change at a time.

I think all of us stay at home mome have felt a little of this at some point or another.
First you have to talk to him about how you are feeling. If he is anything like my husband, you shouldn't come out and say that you feel like he doesn't help you because that will probably just tick him off and you'll end up in a fight rather than a conversation.
You can talk about how it may feel like work to him to get the kids ready for bed and have a bath but he is missing out on having fun with them during that time too. He misses out on the snugggle sand kisses at bedtime (as do the kids).
Or you can start with the importance of eating dinner together as a family because he is missing out on that important time with the kids. Tell him you know that he is dead tired when he comes home but you think you should all sit together. Tell him there is time for TV after the kids are in bed.

I know this isn't the most direct approach but some men don't do well with a more direct approach. Baby steps.

i'm trying to avoid getting into how pissed off it makes me when spoiled (yes, even when they work full time, and physical work even, they agreed to have a kid and it means they have to work even HARDER - tough! get over it!) men sit back and watch their wives become overworked while raising THEIR children. so, that being said, in my opinion it's important for him to understand (ie. be TOLD) that:

1. IF MOM IS NOT HAPPY IT IS NOT GOOD FOR THE FAMILY. if you are tired, overworked and stressed THE ENTIRE FAMILY, YES INCLUDING THE SELFISH DAD, WILL SUFFER. at the very least it will take its toll on your relationship (if it isn't already), and it can affect the child if mom is doing everything. it's not healthy. it is in HIS BEST INTEREST to do HIS JOB, which is to help raise the kids, ACTIVELY, not just passively with income.

2. the kid(s) need to see how a man is supposed to be in this world, and how a woman is supposed to be as well. the parents are teaching the kid(s) about gender roles and about who THEY will become when they are grown. are these the roles you want/he wants to raise your children with? that mom does everything for them and dad's role is to watch tv? kids don't see how hard he works out of the house. all they see is what's in front of them.

good luck. i hope he can hear you. parenting isn't easy. as far as i'm concerned the dad should do EVERYTHING after mom has carried his child, gone without coffee and alcohol, and pushed his baby out, then nursed every two hours....well, duh, you went through it so you know. there's no way he could ever do enough work to match what you do as a mom. so, if empathy is not in play, maybe the "equity" card will sink in for him.

take care of YOURSELF mama!
peace

Hi Molly,

Unfortunately, many of us can relate to parts of your situation. It sounds like your husband is like mine, raised with a traditional dad who brought home the bacon but then checked out once he brought it in the front door. So he's likely doing what he thinks a dad & husband is supposed to do based on how he learned from watching his parents.

As the saying goes, the only person you can change is yourself. I think you need to decide what you can do to change the situation. What can you stop doing or hire out? Are there little things you can do to help ease your stress (exercise, more sleep, going out with a girlfriend for coffee).

That being said, I do think you need to sit down and tell him, very calmly and matter of factly, how you are feeling. Try to use "I" statements: I feel lonely and unsupported when you eat dinner in front of the TV. I feel exhausted and unsupported when I have to take care of the kids by myself day after day. Before you do this, though, decide what you need from him, very specifically. What would your ideal marriage & parenting teamwork situation look like? And know in your head what you are willing to live with, since getting your ideal isn't likely. What if he doesn't change at all? Can you live like this for the next 15 or so years till your kids are grown? Do you want him to go with you to marriage counseling? Are you willing to leave the marriage (even temporarily) to make sure he understands how serious you are?

I have had similar issues with my husband of 15 years and dragged him to counseling 6 months ago. We went for months with no change and I finally hit the wall one weekend when he spent the entire weekend attending a football game one day and watching baseball games the next. Although the realization made me sick, I knew I couldn't live this way anymore and be happy. I told him the following day that I wanted to separate and would move out after the holidays. Although I was truly serious, this decision on my part had the unexpected result of getting his attention. He realized I was really serious about him being involved. He is now (3 months later) helping me more, spending less time watching sports and taking my wants and needs into consideration. I hope we can make our situation work, but for me, it was realizing that maybe I needed to be on my own to be happy and deciding that I was strong enough to do so (and forgiving myself in advance for the stress this would put on my son). It seems like making that decision is what really motivated my husband to change. Hopefully yours won't need to let things go so far!

Best of luck to you. Also, I see you are also in Santa Rosa like me, so let me know if you want a referral to our therapist.

I still pretty much do everything around the house even though I work full-time. My husband is home days with the kids, works evenings and is in school part-time, so most of the time when I'm home I'm alone with them. I think I would be frustrated if he did some of the cleaning because it wouldn't be what I would want, but we do share cooking duties, he does laundry some of the time, and watches the kids when I'm losing my mind on a Saturday. I let him sleep late on Saturdays since it is his only day home that he doesn't have to work or watch kids alone.

I get frustrated with cleaning up after everyone and sometimes lose it (which is pretty nasty) but try to remember that I'm the only one who cares about a lot of those things. My husband doesn't really notice anything other than "picking up," but it is not that he doesn't care, just that he doesn't "see" things like a dirty carpet or kitchen floor. I think that men are more likely to help us indulge than to help us with practical things sometimes. I know mine doesn't mind watching the kids so I can go nap but he does really dislike if I ask him to do something like fold laundry while I do the dishes. I have never had the option to stay home but I like to think that if I did I would not mind the house and kid stuff as much as I do when I'm working full-time, so my ideas are just that:

Try to calm down your evening routine. Do the obnoxious stuff before he gets home and keep your evenings as calm as possible.

Do not ask for help WHEN you need it. Let him know in a quiet and calm moment that you need him to do one or two things, but you want to make sure they are things he can fit in (or something to that effect). My husband hates picking up and vacuuming, but he is much more efficient than I am at it. If I ask ahead of time, he is good about it, but if I just say (when he is relaxing) "hey, can you do this for me?" it does not work out.

See if he is better about doing something, even if it is just supervising the kids for a half an hour, so you can do something for you (a bubble bath, a walk, etc.). Men like to relax after they've worked hard and (again, my husband here) do not understand why women do not seem to sit down, especially at the end of the day. I have tried telling my husband that I could sit down and relax, but the dishes will still be there when I stand back up. :)

I also know from working different kinds of jobs (but again, never a SAHM) that is is NOT a good idea to compare jobs at all--my husband works in a group home with developmentally disabled adults, so if I'm tired from work or the kids, he would be tired from being beaten up with a telephone and having to bathe and shave adult men and change their diapers. You have to get back to the fact that whatever you both do during the work day is work and no amount of comparing is fair. You are both tired, you have both been stressed, you both need to see how you can make each other's evenings more relaxing and enjoyable. If something is not important to your husband, there is little point in getting upset with him for not doing it.

I know how you feel. My husband is the same way. Next time it happens once the kids are asleep go turn off the tv and tell him that yall need to talk. My husband is starting to help just a little but it will take time. It has been like this for me for almost 3 years so just hang in there.

It is REALLY hard not to "keep score" about who does what and how much. Parenting and especially being a stay at home parent is a relentless job that seems to come with very little thanks or acknowledgment (not to mention pay) It is easy to get focused on things that are not working. Try instead to focus on the things you love about it. Maybe it's that you don't have to be in a rush in the mornings, maybe it's that you have a opportunity to see and know your children in a way no other person can, maybe you it's that you can take a few minutes for yourself in the middle of your hectic day to call a friend or watch a TV show. None of this is to say that your husband couldn't do a better job of helping out or showing you appreciation, but whether he makes changes or not you can find things in your day to be grateful for and keep your focus on those rather than the stresses or negative things.

What concerns me most about what you are saying isn't the fact that you are feeling overworked and underappreciated. I know that's important, but even more important is that it seems your children are being ignored by their father. Will he listen to music if you play it? I'd get a copy of the song "Cat's in the Cradle" and put it on during the evening... perhaps even pop it into the CD player in your car when you are going somewhere with hubby. Let him hear that message, then gently point out to him that you are seeing that in your own family, and you really don't want him to realize when it's too late that he has let his kids get away from him because they don't see him caring. The one phrase that hit me most in what you said is that he eats in front of the TV while the rest of you sit at the table. Wow! What a powerful (negative) image that gives!

Maybe you could somehow show him just how fast their childhood's fly by with some home videos or something and he would realize that all of this is temporary. Before he knows it, his kids will be grown and gone and he will have missed his chance to be their hero.

My husband entertains my child so I can take a bath without being interrupted. They play video games which I hate or take a longer walk.
No eating in front of the TV for anyone, ever. No exceptions.

Try rearranging your schedule so that from the time your husband comes home in the evening it is "family time" and things that can be put off until tomorrow (dishes, laundry, pick up, etc.) get put off, so that you can have some time in front of the tv with him. I don't agree with him eating in front of the tv while the rest of the family is in the dining room though. Family dinner is very important. Can you get him to agree to just that? Baby steps. One thing at a time. Or what if you had the dining table set already when he got home? Would he pick up his place setting and take it to the livingroom to be in front of the tv, or would he just comply and sit at the table since his dinner was already set there? I'm in the opposite of your situation. My hubby was laid off and I am working full time. My challenge is to get him to do any of the housework! He feels that it is "unmanly!" Good luck!!!

I read your post a little while ago and didn't respond...but you have been on my mind. I have a very supportive and helpful hubby who tells me all the time how much he loves me and appreciates all that I do and tells others how grateful he is that I stay home full time because it makes our home a happy and organized place.

I don't know anything that will magically make your hubby a happy helper. But I do know that nagging will not help one bit, or asking in a frustrated tone or pointing out all that he is not doing.

How about you start small then move on to more things you would like changed. When he participates and helps then praise him up and down. I know that may sound ridiculous but they do look for our praise and acknowledgement. When my hubby does the dishes or the laundry he will bring it to my attention. He wants praise and adoration. I give him kisses and hugs and tell him how much that helps me when he checks off one of my "to do" list items. I mainly do inside chores and he takes care of outside, garbage, car and house maintenance and makes a good living for our family.

Your dinner time would frustrate me to no end. Dinnertime is sooo important to a family. There are many studies to prove this...maybe check that out online to have in your backpocket. How about you make some special meals this coming week...his favorites...then set the table nice with some candles. My kids love this and we are actually doing this during the entire month of December because of Christmas. Get your hubby involved in some of the planning for these special dinners and make it appear that it is for "the kids". In our home we do alot of special things at dinnertime..tell jokes...have a "happy plate" night when a deserving person gets the plate and we all tell that person what we love about them.(it all started awhile back cuz our kids were all being so mean to eachother..now we do it cuz it is special and fun)

Something else that I talked to my husband about when our kids were much littler was that if I felt soooo drained and tired from the day that it was very difficult to get out of "Mommy Mode" and into "Sexy Wife" mode in the evening. I lovingly asked him if he can help me get out of "Mommy Mode" and into "Sexy Wife Mode". That discussion helped sooo much. Now it has just become habit and he helps out so much in the evening.

Something else you can try is just doing the minimum around the house until he starts helping more. Get into a system of keeping the house decently orderly but not running yourself ragged. And decide a time when you can clockout in the evening and then do something for yourself. Also, plan some upcoming activities for you to do and leave the kids with him. It sounds like you have a very little one cuz you are rocking in the evening so it is not easy to get away for long periods of time. Go away for a couple hours to the library...visit a friend...pack a lunch and meet a friend somewhere...heck..sit in a parking lot somewhere and just enjoy the silence. But let him know of some days ahead of time when he will need to be available for the kids. It serves two purposes. You get out for some quiet time and it puts him "in charge" for awhile.

Something else to consider is husbands sometimes just plain feel inadequate when it comes to domestic duties. They don't want to appear like they don't know what they are doing...sometimes after they do things then we as wives pick it apart cuz they didn't do it how we would. So consider this also.

Good luck. Push the mad and annoying feelings aside and try to be as loving and sweet as you can. Oh..and BTW..something else that helped me understand my husband and how he ticks was Dr. Laura's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." No...I am not saying you are not treating him right. I am just saying it helped me understand my husband as a man. Men are soooo different and I didn't have a good role model growing up so the book helped me tremendously. I refer back to it all the time when I get frustrated and unnerved with my hubby.